Learning to surf.

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

Days go by Henry, they pass, they keep going and sometimes I don’t think they should. sometimes I want the days to stop, how can they keep going when I don’t want too, on the days where lying in bed seems like the best option? not that I have done that yet as I haven’t, Everyday I have made sure there is something I am getting up for, I make appointments, commitments, things to do… so I always get up and I do them.

Your Dad he goes to work, he gets up and goes and does what he needs to until he comes home again, and we stop, we hug and not want to let each other go, sometimes we cry, sometimes we are able to sit have dinner, talk, watch tv, and even laugh, we mention your name each day and we say goodnight to the stars every night.

I still wonder Henry how, how could this have happened, how do so many mistakes happen in succession to cause this… How does someone who is allocated and responsible to check on a patient just not even bother? How do they just ignore that duty and say ‘oh I thought they were sleeping’, and how does another ignore you when they come to attend to you, dismiss your concerns, be abrupt, give you something they shouldn’t… How do people in these roles who are responsible for caring for and looking after and responsible for people’s lives do this? and again why to us? If only they knew, if only they knew how long I waited for you, how your Dad and I just wanted to give you the best life and take you places and do things with you, if only they knew the absolute shattering pain we live with everyday… but they don’t. I can only hope through the process of addressing our complaint that these people will now think twice about their actions and ensure they do their jobs correctly next time.

I want to say to people Henry, I want to say if I don’t message you back straight away I am sorry, if I don’t always reply I’m sorry, but I appreciate messages that are sent, thoughts etc I just don’t always have it in me, sometimes I am so busy trying to make it through the day.

I want to be that mum Henry, I want to be the mum that’s taking you to the mums group at the cafe with the beautiful outdoor area, the mum thats sharing pictures of you in the sun, the mum thats posting your milestones of smiling, crawling, talking, first foods, the mum who is sharing the funny pictures, moments and the not so funny ones, the one thats showing her baby proudly off to her friends saying look at this little human of mine… but I am not that mum.

I can only share so many photographs of you Henry as we only have a limited amount, I can only share so many memories and most of those don’t mean as much to people as they are memories of you growing in my belly. I think of when my dad passed, I was sad Henry, I still miss him but it is so different, with him Henry I can share memories of what we did, I can hear things from others who knew him, they share their stories, I know he lived a good life although not as long as some others. With you, you didn’t get that chance at life here with us, and no one has memories of you they can share with your dad and I. I wonder how do I share as a mother? like every mum wants to when I can not create the memories with you.

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Firsts Henry, firsts again, I had a beautiful friend message me to tell me she was pregnant, I am so incredibly happy for her Henry, so so happy, but after I replied to her message to let her know what wonderful news that was instantly hot tears fell from my eyes, thick and fast and I couldn’t stop them, not because I am not happy for her because I am Henry, but because it is almost one year since I got that positive pregnancy test with you, then I carried you, despite the sickness I had a good pregnancy, it just brought me back to all of that and the fact you should be here, then it also reminded me of the fact I am not pregnant now, and that when I am pregnant with your siblings how hard that will be, how much worry, concern, anxiety there will be, how I will never get to experience pregnancy with the full joy of it just being a happy time, I won’t be able to relax until those babies are crying in my arms.

I am glad Henry, I am glad my friend told me, I am pleased she thought of me and wanted too, I don’t want people to hold back, I want them to say the things they normally would.. I just have to ride the waves of emotion which will come with that, I have to realise there will be triggers, tonight I saw photos on Facebook of another friends baby shower and that brought with it a sting too as I saw her beautiful smile, the happiness in her eyes, I remember I was that happy once, I had that look in my eye, that excitement, wonder and it will never be that way for us again, and I grieve that too. I look at our maternity photos and I look at the laughter, the anticipation, the absolute joy we had for you, I grieve that we no longer have that joy, that laughter, that happiness, those plans.

I hope when it happens again, when I am pregnant with your siblings, I hope our friends can celebrate with me, I also hope they can support us through the tough moments too, through the anxiety, through the pain, triggers and reminders. I want so badly when that happens to try to still enjoy as much of it as I can.

The past week Henry brought with it a rollercoaster of emotions, I have been ok, and I have been completely down, I have spent time busy and I have spent some much-needed time at home, one thing I came to realise within this past week Henry is that I need that time, the time where I am home, where I can break, where I can let the tears fall, where I can let the anger out. I came to the realisation of a cycle I am currently in Henry, one where I keep myself incredibly busy as busy as I can to avoid the feelings that come along with grieving you, I then finally stop, I stop being busy and I start to feel those feelings, I don’t like those feelings as they are hard, they hurt a lot so I begin to try to get rid of them and I tell myself, ‘you should be getting better’, ‘people think you are too sad’, ‘you need to be doing more’ etc etc and so then I judge the feelings trying to stop them and I go back to keeping myself busy and the cycle starts again….

The only way I am going to incorporate this in to my life, these feelings, this grief and change how it sits with me is if I start to allow myself to feel them, without judgement, without pressure just let them be what they are and as they are, recognise it and then go with it, slowly over time, so very slowly things will shift, I will always miss you, I will always want you here, I will always love you, but I will also learn how to live with that in a way in which I can honour you and live a good life, but that starts with getting through the hard stuff now.

I haven’t quite learnt to surf in real life Henry, while I was pregnant with you I managed to ride some waves in on my knees, I always held back a little, even before falling pregnant with you I always had doubts fears about what happened if I stood up on the board but fell, really the answer to that is I would have fallen in the water and then brushed the salt water from my face got back on the board and tried again. This is what I need to do now as I surf the waves of grief and the emotions that come with that, if I fall from the board because the waves are to big or to rough, I just need to see them through until I can get back up and try again… perhaps one day I’ll surf like a pro and learn to tame some waves.

I have found myself lately Henry really trying, I have been trying to change the language that I use, instead of saying to your Dad I feel like I am a burden on him as he seems to have it all together and I feel like I am falling apart, I say ‘Thank you for being there for me’, Instead of saying I don’t know if I will ever fall pregnant with siblings for you I have begun to say ‘when I fall pregnant….’, instead of saying I shouldn’t be sad, I say ‘I am sad and that’s ok’, instead of thinking I am alone, I am trying to change to remind myself I can reach out to our friends anytime even when I dont know what to say.

There’s no right or wrong way to navigate this Henry, I think at times first waking up and realising our reality still exists is the hardest and then going to bed at night,I woke at 1am this morning, flashbacks from the hospital filled my mind, I could even physically feel the contractions I had at the hospital as this went through my mind, grounding techniques I tried, I tried to focus on things in the room I could feel, I tried to focus on the sounds I could hear to bring myself completely back to the present, it took a while and I finally got back to sleep, but then when I woke up and the realisation hit I was also so exhausted.

When I woke this morning I really struggled to want to get up and face the day, I lay in bed knowing I needed to get up experiencing the physical aspects of this grief as well as the emotional ones and I wrote the following words:

Every morning I wake up, it’s there, it’s instant… that realisation, the longing, the hurt, the love.

It’s heavy, I feel it in my chest, my limbs, my whole body has a heaviness.

I fight, I fight with myself in my mind telling myself the reasons I need to get up, to keep going..

I’m always tired.. it doesn’t matter how little or how much sleep I get I’m physically tired everyday.

Every morning, the same struggle, the same feelings, it’s all the same. I want you, I need you, I can’t have you, I miss you, I ache for you, I long for you, you are mine and I question what is this life without you… my baby boy.

I struggle, yet I get up to battle with another day, even when my armour weighs me down.

I wish I could take the armour off and stop the battle, give in, surrender.

I won’t give in though, I will keep going, I won’t give in as I will keep fighting for you, for your Dad and I, at least I will try, I will try for your siblings who I know you will send our way, I will try for your fur sisters, I will try for our family, our friends as hard as it all is I will try.

If only you knew how you have stolen my heart, if only you knew how much I loved you from the very start, if only you knew what you mean to me, if only you knew how you have forever changed my life, I wish you were here to see.

I love you.

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This weight we must carry…..

Henry, I feel so incredibly lost, as each day passes I feel more and more like an alien to myself and to others. I look in the mirror I don’t recognise the girl who can’t seem to smile much at all and I stare blankly at my reflection, wondering who it is that I am now? I look wondering how do others see me? and I worry, I worry they all must think I should be getting back to being me….. but who is that anymore?

I am struggling, I struggle each day, I feel like its more as time goes on not less. After our last couple of weeks of meetings, of hearing that you should be here, I find it hard to see through the darkness which surrounds me, sometimes there is no light, It is like being in a completely dark room and trying to walk still and I just have to hold on the walls with my hands unable to see ahead but keep taking slow small steps with my hands holding on and hoping I will get to a point where some light shines in.

When I saw the psychologist Thursday morning after we had our final hospital meeting Wednesday all I could do at first was cry, cry as she asked about the meetings and I explained about what they had found, that they found you should be here, I cried and cried as I said to her “we used to be so happy, Tim and I used to laugh everyday, we had always said no matter what we would make each other laugh everyday and we used to do that everyday no matter what sort of day we were having, now either of us can barely laugh at all, we used to be so happy” those words came out while tears streamed down my face I could taste the tears as they hit my mouth, this was the first time I had cried this much in front of her and I couldn’t stop it, it feels Henry like the hurt may never go, I feel as though your Dad and I can never get back to that happiness we once had. “Your grief really begins now” she said to me “Up until now you have had the meetings, the emails, the research, the complaint, your submission all as some form of focus and now its all done it means you stop and you really grieve, it’s not going to be comfortable, you’ll need to sit with feelings as they come”

Sit with these feelings, I know Henry I need to feel them, I know that I need to acknowledge them, I know I need to allow myself to go through this but Henry how? when it hurts so much ‘what kind of life is this?’ I ask myself, where you wake up each day in so much turmoil, in so much pain, with so much heartbreak and you barely function to get through a day.

After last Wednesdays meeting I needed to just get away, I don’t know why…. A good friend organised with me very last-minute to go. I worried Henry, I worried about leaving your Dad as I know he feels the same as me daily so was concerned to leave him on his own, I worried about leaving my security of your dad, of home but I also knew I needed to go, to try to so after my appointments Thursday morning I headed to a friend’s place and then from there we left.

We drove through the blue mountains stopping along the way for lunch, we talked quietly as we travelled about all sorts of stuff, when we arrived at our destination it was cold, cold but we got there and settled in to our accommodation to relax, as much as one can relax when they are feeling the way that I do.

One thing I know Henry is it doesn’t matter where I go, there is no escape, I could travel across to the other side of the world and it is still there, that incredible pain which consumes my heart, the ache which I feel all throughout my body and the thoughts which take over my mind, it never goes away it is something I am slowly learning to carry with me. It is like life has added an extra weight which I must continually carry with me at all times and I am never allowed to put it down, I must walk with it, when I am not walking it is sitting on me, it is weighing on top of me as I sleep. It must go everywhere I do and although it makes me feel incredibly weak and it is so damn heavy, although at times it pushes me right in to the ground, with a lot of time, even though it wears me down now, I will get used to carrying the weight and become stronger with each step I take carrying it. After all the weight is heavy, but part of it is filled with the love, all that love we have for you.

Getting away was nice, different scenery, fresh air, I even met Snuggles the winery sheep, who happened to be absolutely huge… my friend and I tasted wines, ate good food, we explored a little…. she just allowed me to be however I needed to be, she didn’t expect me to be any particular way which was good. We had nice dinners, drinks and having a few drinks allowed me when my head hit the pillow to actually get to sleep, but Henry that’s not something I can do or keep doing, it’s not me and its not healthy but I was glad for those two nights that I was able to get to sleep as some nights that doesn’t happen at all.

We joked about how to ‘warm my uterus’ as this is what the traditional Chinese medicine practitioner told me she was doing and needed to do, we googled how to do that and what I should eat, we laughed about how the different advice on different websites and joked about things such as tying a scarf around my lower abdomen, we talked about your Dad eating oysters and pomegranates…. I tell myself to be positive, I tell myself there will be siblings for you which will help, it won’t replace you but it will help us show this love we have, give us a new door to open.

Then Henry it’s like a shadow casts over me and my mind takes me to those places I don’t want to be, the ones that hurt, those thoughts that add to the sadness the ‘what if it doesn’t happen?’ the ‘how long can I keep myself going if it doesn’t happen this month and as more time goes on?’ then there’s even the fears if it does of ‘how will I get through a pregnancy without being anxious’, ‘how can we ensure something won’t happen again?’ this hurts my heart Henry it really hurts my heart as I feel siblings for you will be the only thing that would help us and I try to remind myself apart from the sickness I did everything right with you, I still exercised, I still swam, you were healthy, so incredibly healthy and I had no reason to worry during my pregnancy with you….

Despite being so sick Henry I tried to enjoy my pregnancy with you and I documented photos, movements, milestones, I spoke to your dad about you, we spoke to you, I read you books, played you music and each weekend I would do something, something to prepare for you, whether it was searching eBay or online for a cot, for furniture for your room, buying you books and researching the right plants, the right lamp, buying up on nappies and wipes… I did all those things so very excited about having you here.

Now I look, I look at the empty bassinet still in our room and I break down, I can’t stand so I sink to the floor allowing my body to fall against the edge bed as I cry, I cry out “why why us” but theres never any answer back, as there is no answer to that Henry. I don’t want to move the bassinet I can’t bring myself too, yet it remains empty like my arms…. will it always remain empty? will we always be this broken?


How will I be able to enjoy another pregnancy Henry? how will I be able to allow myself to do all of those things I had with you? when I no longer have the ignorance I did then, and I know no time is safe during pregnancy, how will I be able to become attached to your siblings when I will be so damn worried that whole time. It’s another form of grief Henry, grieving that I will never be able to enjoy it in that way. Then I worry how will others respond when we tell them we are expecting, will they not be excited for us either?, will they wonder if they tip toe around us? will we be treated differently? I wish I could switch off my mind.

In the car returning home yesterday my friend just said to me “It is just shit really day by day it is shit, I don’t know how you keep doing it, people say things like I did to you about cleaning your hairbrush and you probably just think shut the fuck up my baby died I don’t care about the hairbrush” and she’s right Henry sometimes those thoughts do enter my head as things such as cleaning my hairbrush and other small things seem so insignificant right now and aren’t things I can even think about.

As time wears on its not feeling easier like I thought it might, as each day just reminds me I am without you, I think about what I am doing and think ‘this is not what I am meant to be doing’, ‘I shouldn’t be going away on my maternity leave I should be with you’ but I am not and then I think to myself you just need to say to yourself this is what I am doing, this is what I am doing and accept it, but how am I ever supposed to accept this? How? you are my baby, my little boy, our son, one so bloody wanted, how does anyone accept their child was taken away from them?

We have so many beautiful people Henry, so many who have said “call if you need us” who offer to be there, but then I feel like at this time my mind is my own worst enemy, it thinks ‘I dont want to bother anyone’, ‘people will think I am too sad’, ‘people will think I should be over it’, ‘what do I say’, ‘how do I ask’  and so most times Henry I just don’t. my mind creates this barrier and it’s like a wall I cant seem to climb.

People see us, we run in to them in the street, we talk, we even smile, they genuinely listen and care but I sometimes think they think we are ok, we are ok as we are there, we are out, we are smiling, yet somehow my brain, my body wont let me crack, it wont let me break much in front of others, so I look fine yet really deep down, I’m far from fine.

I have been trying to tell myself Henry you would want me to live a good life, you would want your dad and I to do things, to live, to be, to smile to do all we wanted to do and I want to try I do but it’s so hard when all of our future plans were about doing things with you and now we focus so much about moving through the day we often don’t think of the next. Each morning I wake up and the sadness of not having you here in my arms hits me, it is there instantly and each night as I try to sleep flashbacks of it all enter my mind.

Your dad messaged me as my friend and I were driving back yesterday, he talked about wanting to get back out in the water and I want him to Henry as I know it is what he loves so very much to do and it is his escape for a while, we talked over text with me encouraging him too “Do we have enough to get a new lens I am after?” he asked.. I paused a minute before texting him back, I did this because Henry I know the lens he wants and I had planned to get this for him as a father’s day and birthday present from you to your Dad, I was going to say leave it with me but I could tell your dad needed something now, I told him that had been my plans and he said we would discuss it when I got home.

We did discuss it Henry and I ordered him the lens now as I want him to have it but as we discussed it there were tears in both our eyes, really I thought to myself what do you get for father’s day? for your dads birthday? when we both know the only one thing he wants, that we both want is you and that’s what we can never have. We hugged one another without saying any more words, we hugged and held each other tight for ages.. “It hurts” he said “It sure does” was my reply

This morning Henry your Dad got us both up to take Missy and Snikkers for a walk on the beach, the sun in amongst the dark clouds and clear parts of the sky made for a beautiful sight, Snikkers ran and ran excited to be there. Your Dad and I laughed at her with all of her enthusiasm and smiled at Missy enjoying her walk, we even tried to get some pictures of the four of us using the timer on my phone, I looked at the pictures later feeling that little sting, you are not in them, part of our little family and you are not here.


Your Dad cooked us a yummy breakfast, we went out and when we came back I made sure I made a decent lunch, I could give up Henry, I could not eat lunch or have something not good for me, but I guess the one thing I can have some sort of control over is looking after myself, which includes trying to eat well, it includes exercising, attending appointments and working out small ways I might be able to relax. This will hopefully help, help us both to keep moving, to help my mind and to be able to create your siblings.

It’s a year Henry since we created you, this time last year you were without us knowing beginning to evolve to grow inside me, it would be over the next few weeks this time last year I would begin to feel so tired and not know why, come home from work and lay on the lounge not feeling like getting up, start falling asleep much earlier than normal, all because my body had begun to do what it needed to, to grow you.

I remember this day last year we had been out to see one of our friends favourite singers live, we went to dinner, enjoyed the show it was a good night, the next week my PT had said to me our other friend had said “Maggsy and Kristy need to have a baby” a comment which I laughed at as we were planning a trip.. weeks later when we found out about you, your Dad and I had talked about how our friend jinxed us 😉 maybe she can do it again, with a little help from you too. We will love you forever.







We’re so sorry…… This never should have happened.

Henry, I have typed and retyped this letter so many times, I have typed and deleted it again several times since last Tuesday as I have not even had the words to explain, the words to try to put together to get this all out. My brain has had trouble even beginning to comprehend things I knew were already true but are now confirmed.

Not everyone knows the whole story Henry, your story in fact many people don’t, they know what I have shared so far, how much I have said, but I have never said it all and there have been reasons why until now I have chosen not too.

Two weeks after we returned home without you Henry, I got online, I researched I looked up NSW Health Policies, I read these, I researched other information, I did this because I know that my treatment within the hospital during my stay around your labour and birth that things were not right, that procedures that should have been, appear not to have been followed and that this should not have happened.

After doing this research, I found this was the case, amongst trying to grieve I somehow put together a letter of complaint to the health district referencing this to policies and procedures as well as other information. I somehow found the strength during this difficult time to do this and for several reasons Henry, one and the most important reasons is in honour of you and to ensure people are held accountable, two was so that no other family has to got through the trauma and experience we have for the same reasons and three to ensure there is change so that it can never happen again.

It has been an extremely stressful and long process Henry in amongst trying to deal with our grief, trying to get through each day there have been emails, phone calls, follow ups and meetings, there has been battles of not feeling like we are heard, ensuring we are and ensuring this did not just get brushed away under the carpet. It has been so very exhausting Henry, so exhausting to be on an important phone call and not break down, so hard to piece together a factual email without adding emotion and so incredibly draining to ensure facts were recorded as soon as we left the hospital so as to ensure they were not forgotten.

Theres been hours of reading of pouring over yours and my medical records even though I haven’t felt like I would have the strength… ‘do it for Henry’ I tell myself… ‘do it so no one else has to endure this awful pain and heartache you do daily’ I want to ensure that this will not happen again to anyone, not for the same reasons it happened to us.

We have been met with inappropriate responses and comments along the way such as ‘don’t make this make you not want another baby’, ‘you are 36 this year’ (tick tick tick, I didn’t respond to that but thanks… we had a perfectly healthy baby until people stuffed up), comments such as ‘I can’t tell you anything’ when chasing up the progress of the complaint and ‘don’t get angry’ …… But Henry I never gave up because it’s so important that this is done, done correctly and professionally.

Last Tuesday Henry, your Dad, a friend and I entered the hospital halls, I walked down the same halls I had when I walked in thinking we would be taking you our baby boy home…. I can not even begin to describe the feelings from the pit of your stomach having to return to this place, the feeling that encompasses your whole body as you remember walking those halls as you try to hold it all together when you really don’t want to walk through that place, I saw the sign pointing to where they took me to get an ultrasound to confirm your heart wasn’t beating anymore, we walked through the hall where your Dad had to practically hold me up as I was consumed from the pain of knowing you were no longer coming home with us.. our friend accidentally snapped this photo putting her phone on silent but decided to send it to me as she wanted us to see the moment two brave parents walked through those halls again…


Last Tuesday Henry we attended the most important meeting so far, a meeting with senior independent clinicians who have been reviewing your case, who have been the ones to investigate my complaint and the circumstances… Due to my previous experience in the lead up to this, I wasn’t hopeful about this meeting… I was expecting them to be dismissive to shift blame to get us out of there as fast as they could….. but what we got Henry was the opposite.

I should have known it would all be good when I found out one of the independent clinicians we were meeting with, well his name is Henry,  I should have known that was a sign from you to say ‘Mum I am going to make this as ok as I can, I will look after you’ and that you did my beautiful boy.

I spoke in this meeting Henry as we went over it all, I spoke as tears poured down your Dad’s face, tears so fast that he couldn’t keep up with wiping them away, I spoke about our experience,  I listened as they repeatedly said ‘I’m so sorry’ I asked my questions, I ensured I got answers ……. I felt what was left of my broken heart shatter in to the most tiniest pieces it will never be possible to find them all to piece it back together again.

Those clinicians Henry, they went through with us step by step the notes from their investigation, they didn’t hold back the facts, they confirmed what I had brought up to be addressed… I won’t explain all of what happened while I was in hospital Henry but they found that I was given a medication that I should never have been given by a midwife, this medication has a standing order on it and should not be given out by midwives and to pregnant women especially in labour…. They found that I was not adequately monitored and that I should never have been left for over nine hours without being monitored as well as your heart beat, they found record keeping was not adequate on my medical records, they found that had I not been ignored by a particular midwife about my concerns and taken seriously that this never would have happened, they found had I not been given that medication, had they checked on me and you as they were supposed to every 3-4 hours, had certain factors been picked up on and explained, had they adequately assessed me and ascertained what stage of labour I was in…… THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED…. The clinician said to me “it is my belief had these steps been taken as they should have Henry would be here today”.

They also found Henry as I outlined in my complaint, policies for our after care were not followed, they quoted my words in their investigation on how ‘ill equipped’ the hospital was to deal with the situation, they talked about what after care we should have received, what support, that we never did and acknowledged the importance of this and how they were so very sorry that we didn’t receive the appropriate care.

We discussed the results of this, their findings, what they planned to put in to place as a result, what would occur, how things would change… they left us with notes to review and organised another meeting for the following week (today) to continue to go over things more and again we were met with the I’m so sorry, this never should have happened.

We left that meeting last week, we left and went out to get some lunch, I left that meeting not being able to describe how I felt and it took a while to know… In the days following that meeting Henry I have had some really really dark days, it is like all the build up all the fight, all of it and then the information, the confirmation of what we already knew but to have it confirmed it hit and it has hit so incredibly hard… I have had bad dreams, panic attacks and thoughts so incredibly dark after those panic attacks, thoughts like I have never had before and all because the pain of this, the unfairness of this, the fact someones negligence and ignorance can leave us with this result and no matter what I do, it doesn’t change our outcome it doesn’t bring you back..

I’ve had days of the tears not being able to stop, of struggling… I mean really struggling to get out of bed of not knowing how what to do and how to do it, I feel like maybe it hit so bloody hard as with all this going on I truly haven’t just stopped without this in the background to grieve you, truly just grieve you and then because well how am I supposed to make any sense of this? How do we ever cope with this, with knowing really you should be with us.. and how does this happen? how did it all just happen to us?

Today Henry, today we went back for our second meeting, we went back so that we could review the clinical notes once more, to ensure the information was correct and to review with the clinicians their recommendations, their plan for action and when these will be completed. As a result to of this Henry there will be changes, changes to the way the ward is staffed, changes to certain procedures to ensure that there is adequate monitoring, adequate note taking, adequate assessment of patients who present to the ward, changes to protocols, there is the development of a local policy to ensure families receive support, there has been education for staff, removal of old information and assurance that all staff know, there has been separate action taken in regards to performance and much more…

I do feel the need Henry right now to say that not everyone we dealt with during my stay in the hospital did the wrong thing or was awful, we did encounter some very lovely caring nurses and midwives over the three days who did their job and others who did go beyond. It is just so unfortunate we also had ones who didn’t do the same.

This photograph Henry, the following photo is one your Dad captured without me knowing, this is what it is like, this was last Wednesday after we had met at the hospital Tuesday, this was me at 3pm in the afternoon I had gotten back in to bed unable to function, to do the day… this is grief this is often how you’ll find me tears, so many tears as I hold on to your cushion and I hug it and cry my eyes out because it just hurts it hurts so damn much.


I sit this afternoon Henry feeling so incredibly lost, I sit this afternoon feeling so overwhelmed as the enormity of it all sinks in, as it all hits… As I think about what has happened, what we have done, as I sit here and think about the exact changes that are going to be put in to place, prevention measures, accountability to ensure that this does not happen for another family… all because you are my drive and I want to be a voice for you.

As I sit here Henry the tears form in my eyes, they are there because the sadness that it doesn’t bring you back to us hits, the sadness that we really should have you here hits, the fact I got my period as well which is another month of not falling pregnant with a sibling for you, the sadness that we never see you grow, change your nappies, watch you giggle, hear you cry, watch you walk, talk, go to school, learn to drive, fall in love… We miss out on all of that so much we miss out on and things could have been so incredibly different, this could have been prevented, this should have been prevented, this never should have happened. I am so unsure Henry how we ever get past that.

We deal with the days ahead, the days of being so incredibly broken, of grieving the loss of you our so loved and so wanted baby boy, of feeling like we will never find happiness again, of feeling like there is no end to this pain, of the aching, of the putting on a smile and trying to work through a day when all you feel like doing is crumbling to the ground and crying and of wondering how can we possibly make it through another day, of how we can possibly keep going, of not knowing what direction to take.




Can someone give me directions?

Thursday, Thursday Henry I helped a friend out for a few hours so Thursday seemed to go quickly, I got home afterwards, washed up, cooked dinner, did a poo patrol of the yard and kept myself quite busy… When your Dad got home Thursday we had the nice dinner I had cooked a beef thai red curry and spent time together on the lounge.

Thursday night your Dad had a bath I sat on the lounge just missing you, as usual all the thoughts the thoughts of what would we be doing now, would you be asleep or awake, would I be holding and feeding you or your Dad, would we be tired from no sleep and getting up to you? would we?  would we? a question that constantly circles my brain.

Friday Henry, Friday I felt a little ordinary in the morning, but off for a naturopath appointment and then in to town, I went in to meet with a new friend with a beautiful lady who had lost her little boy a month before we lost you, we talked, we cried, we laughed and did it all again, we showed each other pictures, we could have kept talking of hours… about our boys, about how much they have shown us a love we never knew, about them, because despite feeling sad that they are gone, we never want to not hear their names spoken.

Friday night I went with a beautiful friend to dinner and to see the McClymonts, she had asked me a while ago if I would go and even purchased the tickets. We had some laughs at dinner as we caught up on all which has been happening, it was nice, nice to be out to be doing something. As we lined up to go in for the show, a pregnant woman I saw her belly I happened to look at her feet, she was wearing the same shoes I wore while pregnant with you, I wore these shoes most of the time as my feet were a little bigger while I was pregnant with you, I wondered if she wore those shoes for the same reason… as I saw her belly I felt sad, sad for your Dad and I.

We went in for the show, on the table in front of us, three heavily pregnant women, I just envy them Henry, I envy them so badly, I always always want you back in my belly then I always so desperately want to be pregnant with your siblings.. I can’t help but notice them. I put that aside as I wanted to enjoy my night, and enjoy it I did. There is just something about live music, listening to it right in front of you, the atmosphere that is created as people clap, cheer, sing along and dance.

It wasn’t until the second last song, this song went out and was dedicated to all the parents in the room.. ‘Don’t wish it all away’ as soon as I heard the lyrics And you wake up a little older Your babies lying on your shoulder and just like that everything has changed, You can’t stop time, days will always roll on by and before you know it you realise nothing stays the same. If I could tell my younger self I’d say don’t wish it all away……. Getting muddy in the backyard too, letting me teach you how to play guitar I’ll be there when your heart breaks and watch you take a drive in your first car I often think if you are like me falling out of a gate when you turn 18 You probably think it’s going slowly but don’t move too fast cause things will all work out but I’m worrying about right now’ I was so glad in that moment the lights in the room were down and you couldn’t really see my face…. tears stung my eyes but I wouldn’t allow them to fall as I thought I will never get to be muddy in the backyard with you, teach you to play guitar or even teach you to drive a car… so much, so many plans and I had thought about them all while pregnant with you, all of them, I allowed myself to plan, to imagine, to wonder and now, now I am left here as I type I can’t stop the tears from falling, I can’t stop the pain, the tears stream down my face to fast to even bother trying to wipe them… All of these plans, the moments I had looked forward to, been anticipating and imagined, they can never be.


For the last song we all stood up, clapping, moving along,  I was thankful and grateful for the night out, for good friends who can spend time with me, take me out even if it’s not always easy. My friend and I stayed on for one more drink and we chatted, and then walked home.

Once home your Dad was still up and awake we went to bed exhausted and wanting to sleep, I looked at him, he looked at me with that knowing look… For some reason Henry this cycle I have been getting positive ovulation tests for days, I normally only get them for one day! We were torn between wanting to try to sleep and not trying hard enough for siblings for you, It isn’t supposed to be this way… we shouldn’t even be thinking about trying yet… we should be enjoying you. Then all the thoughts, all the comments you know come with it ‘just relax’ ‘if you are stressed it won’t happen’ ‘don’t try to hard’ ‘if you try too hard it won’t happen as it is meant to be fun’… I get it, I know but how do we do that now? how in this journey will we ever be relaxed with it? how won’t we be a little stressed?

Yesterday morning Henry I woke up and this cold I have been fighting off got the better of me, we stayed in bed late then got up to do some running around, get some veggies and home to make soup… I made pumpkin, carrot and tumeric soup and then spent the afternoon in bed resting.

Yesterday was your fur sister Snikkers birthday, she is 11 which is starting to get on in dog years, apart from the grey around her nose she remains young, she’s still active, happy and loving… I had always looked so forward to introducing you to them Henry, your dad and I had planned it before you arrived… I was going to come inside first while your Dad waited in the garage with you, so I could say hello, I was then going to call him in with you, and film it he would hold you and gently bend down to let them have a smell of you. I know Snikkers would have been weary of you at first, but I also know she would have soon became your guard and most fierce protector.


I wish we had a map Henry, can someone please tell me how we navigate this journey? provide me with directions, with details… How do we find peace in what has happened? when you were so wanted for so long and loved… Where is comfort? right or left? I feel as though happiness – true happiness is completely dead and buried. Which direction do I take where this will be lighter? Which path do I follow to get to where it aches less? and where am I hiding? Because I don’t know myself anymore and I am not sure I will ever find myself either… Are all these things found in one place? Or are they scattered so broadly it would never be attainable to find them all.

I feel as though even if it all could be marked out on a map, it would be like looking for buried treasure, It may or may not actually exist… or these things would be located somewhere you can never find, in an alternate space, a different universe and you would have to disappear from where you are now never to be seen again… like the Bermuda triangle… In an alternate universe I like to think there’s another me, the one who gets to look after you Henry, who gets to be your mum, to feed and cuddle you, to watch you grow, I get to hear your cries, your giggles and first words… I long so much to be the person I was and thought I would become, I want to travel to that alternate universe and stay.. even if I had to leave all of our family and friends behind to have you Henry I would… maybe, maybe it all exists up there in those stars, those stars I stand outside and look up to, to say goodnight to you every night… after all there’s four stars officially named after you, if I travelled to space is that where I get to be with you? or is there only one way to be where you are?

I feel as though we are climbing this extremely steep cliff with no safety gear, nothing to catch us if we fall… it is rocky, its hard to grip on and there is days where our grip barely holds and days where we do fall but don’t quite reach the ground we somehow manage to catch on to a ledge before we completely hit the bottom.


Last night Henry I dreamt of rainbows, rainbows everywhere… every time I turned my head there would be another rainbow big or small. I was trying to photograph them all, but I couldn’t keep up I couldn’t capture them all.

Today Henry I am really not well, I have been banished to the lounge or the bed by your Dad he has put his foot down.. Being unwell and having to rest and not being able to be busy makes this harder Henry, not as many distractions, harder to keep my mind from wandering to you, I wonder how would I have handled being unwell with you here, but I know I know your Dad would have stepped up to care for both of us, he would have done it Henry as it is just the man he is, the wonderful, caring man your Dad is and remains to be. How I long to see you with him. I feel so often Henry like a failure, like I failed you, your Dad, our family…. Your Dad would have been so wonderful with you and that’s just another thing that hurts, it hurts that I don’t get to see him with you, that he doesn’t get that, it hurts that he is in pain too… How I wish it wasn’t like this everyday I wish I could make this better for him, for us, for everyone and then I am left with the guilt that I can’t.

As I sit on the lounge under the blanket, it reminds me this time last year I was quite unwell with the flu then too, actually I was just starting to get over it… it had lasted two weeks, I had been so under the weather, it was after this that I fell pregnant with you… it is hard to believe we are about to get to being 12 months from when you were conceived… 😦 I love you so very much our Henry bear, with everything I have I love you.


Being a voice for you.

My beautiful boy Henry, I still sometimes am in disbelief that this is where we are, that your Dad and I are on this awful journey without you, some days I wonder if I will actually wake up from this, wake up and it will have all been a really bad dream.

We found out Monday Henry, that my submission for the parliamentary enquiry in to stillbirth got accepted, when I saw the email I wept, I just wept… It was such a hard thing to complete, it was hard to tell our story, the story of you while it is still so raw… so much so I started it and stopped it so many times… I started and stopped it to the point that I ended up completing it right at the very last-minute on the night it was due. I didn’t think it would get accepted. I reread over it yesterday to find I had a few small errors in it, only because our Mac likes to auto correct some words.. I also upon rereading it realised I left out many key things I wished I had put in to the terms of reference, things I have mentioned previously but didn’t write in a notebook nearby the Mac so I would remember to place them in… You see amongst all this grief Henry my brain only seems to work at half capacity sometimes. I know many others completed submissions though and would have covered the things I would have forgotten to add. Our submission is yet to be uploaded but it will be in a few days time.

The important thing is Henry, I became a voice, a voice for you, your dad and I, and many other babies who didn’t get to have a voice and I got our story out there, I am still working on  some other steps,  hard but important ones to address our story too.. I will continue to do it for you and for others too as you are so worth it.

I later cried Henry, pain engulfed me and tears poured out, tears because while I am proud I managed to complete a submission and it was accepted, while I will continue to do these things and advocate where I can. It’s not what I want to be doing, it’s not what I should be doing. I would give up so much to have you with us, I would give anything to have you here. I cried so many tears whispering about how much I love you and how I wish I wasn’t completing these things, about how I wished to be a ‘normal’ mum just looking after her baby boy.

Sunday Henry, sunday I participated in a walk, I went with a beautiful friend who had lost her little boy, we went and we walked… Taking the steps you couldn’t and of the many other babies who didn’t get to take those steps. We walked to raise awareness, awareness and funds towards miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal and infant death. I was feeling a little anxious about going to this walk, but I did it and I am pleased I did. There was a cake there Henry, with over 50 names, names of babies gone too soon. It was so sad to see that many names on the cake, at first I didn’t want to bring myself to look at it, ‘that’s too many names’ I thought to myself, but then I wanted to see, I wanted to honour those little lives by looking at and seeing their names and the truth is Henry, there may have been 50 names but that is only a small amount, a small number of how many are affected by these losses.

One in six babies a day to stillbirth, one in four miscarriages a day, 689 deaths of infants within the first 28 days of birth in a year…. That is a lot of losses a lot of families left so broken-hearted… in 2016 there were 2,160 stillbirths, a lot of research shows many full term stillbirths could have been prevented, I know ours is not the only story where it should not have occurred, I have connected with and heard from many others about mothers not being listened too, about medical professionals dismissing concerns.

I met another couple who had lost their little boy only a month before you Henry, I saw the same hesitation in his mothers eyes about being there, I saw the same sadness I know exists in mine, a sadness no one would see unless they knew unless they too experienced this life. A life Henry I never wanted to experience, a life I never thought I would, yet here I am, here we are your dad and I and here were this couple who are trying to find their way. I talked to them, it made me feel understood to hear some of the things they said, to hear they too had these feelings and emotions, to hear they too struggle through the days and knowing how to now live.

Monday Henry, Monday your Dad was on a day off, we had a slow start to the morning, due to the cold and there’s always that heaviness each day that we wake, the heaviness and the aching that we don’t have you here, that it’s another day we know we need to keep going, keep moving but that can be so incredibly hard to want to do.

We finally got ourselves going after we had breakfast your dad suggested we go out in to the sunshine and play tennis, now this is something your Dad and I haven’t done together before Henry and not something either of us regularly do. When we arrived at the court a family were on the second court, we watched as the kids hit the ball perfectly to one another with speed… Your Dad and I walked on to the court next to them and well we started our game, We very unsuccessfully hit the ball to each other several times, with it going close to the net, into the net, out of the lines, really high up in the air and any other which way, often having to run off the court to get the ball…. The kids on the court next to us looked over every so often, I can only imagine what they were thinking Henry, but you know what… your Dad and I got out, we enjoyed the sunshine, we laughed at one another, especially at your dad as he pulled a pose he somehow thought imitated the nike symbol, I am a little unsure it imitated anything other than a really bad dance move in a nightclub at 2am as everyone is making their way out…  but it was good to get the exercise, it was good to be in the sun, it was good to be together and to laugh.

Monday afternoon your Dad and I went with your Nanny and poppy for hot chips and sat looking over the beach as we ate them, seagulls arrived within a minute some even hovering right above our heads 😮 we sat in the sunshine eating hot chips, then went for gelato. Yesterday was an ok day Henry and by ok, I guess I mean we did ok, there were tears as there always is, the anguish I feel was no less, but we navigated our way through it all in some sort of way, a way that felt ok.

When we got home Henry your Dad and I both tired decided to try to nap, but then one thing led to another and well your siblings won’t magically appear… so we had a job to do! I have been doing ovulation tests too, peeing on a stick to know when my body says its time to go for it… We are trying whatever we can to make sure it happens, heck Henry if someone guaranteed me that by throwing my underwear on the roof, dancing naked in the front yard under the full moon, then completing ten cartwheels would make it happen…. I would do it, if it could be guaranteed, but it can’t.

Sometimes its hard looking at the ovulation tests as they alway show a second line, they are meant too, you just have to wait for it to get as dark as the control line to know your body is about to release that egg….  I look at that second line thinking of the moment that second line appeared on that pregnancy test with you, I remember that day so cleary still, I remember the feelings that come along with that second line and the start of you.


Monday night Henry, last night I messaged a lady to wish her peace for the next day, I did it as Tuesday would have been her little boys actual due date, a little boy who was taken from her too soon, another mum left with this sorrow every day, I knew it would be a difficult day for her and wanted her to know I was thinking of her. I know Tuesday that ache she feels daily would have been more.

As I said goodnight to you Monday night looking at the stars as I do every night, I stood in the cold air and looked up and I also said goodnight to many others I have come to know who are there with you too. I wish they weren’t Henry, I wish there wasn’t other hurting the way we are.

Tuesday Henry your Dad left for work, I struggled to get out of bed, I struggled to want to get up, I didn’t want to do the day without you, I did some reading and preparation for a couple of things, then I got myself up and going, moving, going out to rearrange an appointment, I then came home and I cleaned both our bathrooms in the house, I scrubbed and scrubbed the bathrooms, I think I was taking out some of my anxiousness and frustrations, I kept going until they were both sparkly clean, then two loads of washing, changing sheets, washing up, preparing dinner, vacuuming I kept going… Tuesday Henry I needed to be busy.

I changed our cover with our health insurance, we will be paying a lot more but I want to ensure when you send us that sibling or siblings, as your dad is still set on Arthur and Martha, I wanted to ensure we had the best care, even though it will cost us a lot more, I can not put any cost on ensuring we bring home your siblings healthy and happy… a price can not be put on that. It shouldn’t be that way, I know many who have been through the public system with no problems and I dealt with some beautiful midwives during my stay in hospital when in Labour with you, but it remains that what happened did so we will do all we can to ensure that does not happen again.

Once I finally stopped for the day Henry the tears started, once I let myself be they started for you, I didn’t fight these tears and I let them fall, I let myself stop and feel what I was feeling. I lay down on the bed for a moment and in that moment I thought of what you mean to us, of how much you have forever changed us, of how much love we have for you.

I went outside barefoot and sat down on the grass in the sunshine letting the blades of grass touch my feet, I lay down, instantly I thought of the last time I lay on the grass like this I was pregnant with you, in my view there was that belly I remember that time so Cleary as your Dad had been watching afternoon football and became quite loud, and Snikkers had become a little unsure of his yelling at the TV so I had taken her and Missy outside and the three of us, well four of us spent time resting on the grass, I had allowed the sun to hit my belly and I enjoyed just relaxing in that moment, enjoyed you… where is time travel when you need it, as I need to travel back in time to you.

Last night Henry when your Dad got home he messaged for me to come out the front, we stood silently on the varendah watching a rabbit in our front yard, we watched and the rabbit stayed in the same spot and looked back at us, we walked inside and your Dad hugged me so tight, he held me, we hug for longer when he gets home from work these days, we hold each other tighter more often… we miss each other much more, I think because we know how much the other hurts, I think it’s because we know how fragile life can be. We hugged and then made dinner… we talked about our days, we talked about siblings, I told your Dad more juice less beer to create siblings for you, he reminded me he was having weekly beers when we conceived you… I suppose I said, how could I argue with that Henry as to us you are perfect, so I know your siblings will be too. Don’t wait too long to send them as I can’t wait to share stories with them about their big brother, their beautiful big brother who watches over them. Thier beautiful big brother, you!

Last night Henry as your Dad and I got in to bed, well siblings don’t make themselves, except your Dad he grabbed me on the boob and made a horn noise, he then decided that this was hilarious and grabbed them in different ways making all sorts of horn noises, he then grabbed the other and roared “What was that meant to be?” I asked “A lion” he laughed at himself, “how did we get from horns to animals?” I asked laughing, “Ones animal noises the other horns” he replied continuing with his different noises so I decided to sing the Arthur and Martha song to him “Oh dont start singing that” he said “Its ok guys” he said looking down “mums says she wont scare you with her singing anymore” we both couldn’t stop laughing and laughing “Well” I said to your Dad “I have to say this is the strangest foreplay ever” ….. “We have to keep each other laughing where we can” he said “As it doesn’t happen as often these days” and he’s right Henry it may be a really bad time to make each other laugh but if we can make light of at least that well its something.

This morning I awoke in the early hours of the morning, I awoke missing you so very badly, this morning at 2am the whys crept in, why us? I thought to myself, I don’t understand….. I have always tried to live a good life Henry, to be kind, to be nice, to help others, I haven’t had the easiest of lives either but have tried never to let that hold me back or get me down… I grew up in a physically abusive household and left home at age 16 but still worked hard to make something of myself, to finish school and work hard, I lost my Dad at age 16, I married young and devoted my life to that person, did all I could possibly do for them was supportive, did everything at home while working full-time and for part of that studying part-time, supported them to study and get to their dream career, went through years of infertility of disappointments…. and then only to have them once they got there to go and find someone else and have an affair… so found myself rebuilding my life, determined not to let it still hold me back or get me down, then I met your dad Henry finding so much happiness, feeling like for once in my life that someone was there for me… then this, in the early hours of this morning while the tears came out I questioned why, I questioned hadn’t this life already thrown enough my way… why, why did we have to lose you? why didn’t people do what they were supposed too? Henry I will never understand why life is so cruel… and I know I am not the only one. I know I am not alone, shitty things happen to good people all the time… I just wish it didn’t and I feel like I can’t take much more, compared to anything that’s happened in my life this by far is the hardest Henry…. and I cant help but ask why?

I don’t want to focus on all those wrong things, on all that has happened to me Henry, but I am tired, I am weary and I do feel like life can be so incredibly unfair. This has made me question so much about my beliefs about life and its shaken our world up to the very core.

This morning I lay in bed, I lay there with the tears once more, I talked myself in to getting up, getting going for the day… I got up, I showered, I got dressed, I washed up, I then went out to meet a friend for lunch, I met up with her she is such a kind soul… It was so good to see her, as we talked she showed so much compassion, we talked about other things too, not long before I went to leave Henry, she shared with me, she shared with me about her little boy… I only thought she had her two girls, but it turns out 14 years ago she lost her little boy 😦 I cried with her Henry as she shared with me about what had happened. Another beautiful soul, another beautiful person one of the most caring people I know… That makes 7… 7 just at the small service we had for you that have been through this, been through the heartache, the agony that we are facing…. 😦

I went to a psychologist appointment afterwards and then after that made some important phone calls. Knowing so many who have been through this, who live with this,   it makes me more determined Henry, to continue to speak up, to work, to be a voice and to help where I can, to raise awareness, to try and help others to feel comfortable to speak out and hopefully it will all help in some way, in some ways make a difference. You Henry will be my drive and I hope will guide me along the way. I love you to the moon and back x





Lists and things…..

Two hearts no longer beating together.
Just one heart beating for two.

Thursday Henry… Distraction day.. My birthday… well distraction day didn’t go as planned, the big distraction your Dad had organised got cancelled… I woke up Thursday morning in tears waking to think of you, to knowing you are not here my birthday and you were not here to celebrate with, its one of the many many firsts ahead of us, some of them have already passed. Our first one was mothers day…… its like having a list, a list that you cross off to say you survived you made it through that first, we still have many more the list would look a little something like this:

  • Mothers Day 
  • one month old
  • two months old 
  • my birthday and 3 months old (all in one day) 
  • four months old
  • The date last year we found out we were pregnant with you
  • Fathers Day (September)
  • Five months old (September)
  • Your Dads birthday (September)
  • six months old 
  • The date we announced we were pregnant with you 12 months ago 
  • seven months old 
  • eight months old 
  • Christmas 
  • New Years 
  • nine months old 
  • ten months old 
  • eleven months old 
  • easter 
  • Anzac Day (last Anzac day I was in hospital in labour and you still had a heartbeat)
  • Your first birthday

All of these firsts without you, all of these days that will have memories of you attached to them, that will remind us of our excitement of expecting you, of the plans we had and days to remind us that you are not here… I have come to realise soon, soon I will need to turn off my Facebook memories as soon there’ll be photos that pop up to remind us, we were so excited that I used to share photos of my pregnant belly every so often and talk about meeting you.

Thursday morning Henry, I opened a parcel that had arraived in the mail… some gifts from a special friend… gifts each with a meaning and post it note attached…

  1. pyjamas for those days (the ones where I dont want to do the day) 
  2. Lotto ticket – for all the things money can buy 
  3. Party poppers – for That day
  4. face masks – because you never get ten hours (we had been talking once about ten hours sleep… something my naturopath talked about, and how I never sleep and feel old now)
  5. A sleep mask – to help with those ten hours 
  6. A dream catcher – at least its not macrame (I will leave that joke with us)

The gifts made me smile as I looked at each one and its meaning. I sent her a message to say thank you.

Thursday Henry we made our way to Wollongong to prepare to sky dive we got there early so spent some time walking on the beach, when we finally went to check in at 10, well they told us due to wind conditions it was being postponed until 12, so your Dad and I walked, we walked to get some breakfast… We chose a spot we thought would be good.. unfortunately it wasn’t good, the food Henry was average so I didn’t finish all my breakfast 😦 “It’s just me” I said to your Dad “sums up my day and life” after breakfast we went for a long walk, as we walked there were prams, prams everywhere I watched as mums and dads pushed prams, walking along, as women met up together and went for walks with their babies *sigh* I know I can’t avoid it but it just felt like there were so many there. We watched as older children rode their bikes, your Dad and I laughed as two little girls rode after their younger sister who had raced ahead “Ivy” they yelled out “Ivy” at the top of their lungs Ivy and her blue helmet disappeared in amongst the crowd ahead and before you knew it Ivy was out of sight… “I like Ivy” I said to your dad “she is running her own race, I think she has spunk” we later caught up to her sisters and her mum and friend who were then walking Ivy’s bike… she was nowhere to be seen again though.. your dad and I laughed.

As we made our way back to the skydive building, and waited some more, we sat as we watched three girls who were tourists ask a man nearby to take a photo of them, they attempted to all jump in the air for the photo, however one was always jumping off the ground as the other two their feet landed back on the ground again, it was a little amusing and your Dad and I laughed… Your Dad had named one girl NASA as she felt her jacket looked almost like a space suit with an American flag on the side of one sleeve.

As we sat and waited some more, a woman got out of her car nearby, she unpacked a pram from the boot, then as she got her little one out of the car, there it was that cry, that newborn cry… Oh Henry that cry its the one thing that undoes me every time, its like a knife right in to the centre of my heart, that cry it aches right in to the very core of my being… I don’t know why.. I generally cope ok with seeing prams, with even hearing coos and giggles it still stings a little but the cry of a newborn… I think it’s just because we never got to hear that cry, where there should have been that cry when you came out there was silence and we spent that time that night in the hospital hearing newborns around us cry while we lay with you who never got to cry.

Your Dad and I moved to the car as I needed to move away we sat in the car and waited another 15 minutes until we were told the distraction, the skydive was cancelled, we looked at one another “It’s just me” I said to your Dad he looked at me and we smiled a small smile to one another… oh well another day I thought to myself we drove and your Dad took me so he could pick up some supplied he needed to be able to work on your car, after we had been to two places, my tears started in the car, I let them fall, they fell because I couldn’t bring myself to face my birthday without you, they fell because your Dad had tried so hard to plan a distraction and it hadn’t turned out and I felt bad for him it was that way and I was like this, they fell and fell…

As we continued to drive home we stopped at Woolworths in Kiama, we were going to get something for dinner, “Are you sure you don’t want to go out?” your Dad said… “where?” I said to him “somewhere in Berry” he said I was going to say No Henry, I was going to just say lets stay home but I then decided that maybe it would be good to go out, I know your Dad would love to take me, that it would make him happy to have done something for me… So I agreed and we got some things we needed and made our way home.

When we got home there was a gift on the door step and flowers near your dads van… The flowers were from a beautiful friend… the card, the card attached to the flowers well the beautiful kind words in that card made me cry and made me think you would want me to celebrate Henry as much as I did not feel like it.

As your Dad and I got ready for dinner, he was excited he played music, he sang along, he had some beers he was in party mode Henry… I pulled clothes out of the closet trying to find something to wear, I wanted to look nice for your Dad, I really did… I ended up just only just squeezing in to the nice dress I had bought to go out to dinner for my birthday last year. Last year Henry we were in Melbourne for my birthday weekend and we treated ourselves, we treated ourselves to an absolutely amazing birthday dinner at Dinner by Heston a famous chef… I had bought that dress to wear there. So I put on some make up Henry did my hair…. feeling so much older. Your Nanny and Poppy drove your Dad and I to dinner.

We had some beautiful food, we had some laughs, Your Dad pretended to be posh, he had some more beers, he enjoyed his food, but he was tired at the end of his main course he almost fell asleep then went to get some broccoli knocked his fancy empty craft beer can making a loud noise “oooooooooooooooh” he said loudly as he did… He always makes life interesting Henry your Dad…

We stayed for dessert, I had a really delicious espresso chocolate mousse, then your Nanny picked us up. On the way home I got to watch two videos sent by your cousins in Ireland… Isabella sang me happy birthday in Irish, Elodie in English, the videos were beautiful and made me smile.

Today Henry, I woke up not wanting to get out of bed, it was cold and it’s almost as though some of the anxiety, the sadness and other feelings I had been holding in the day before presented themselves.. They were right there! Your Dad and I got ourselves up to go buy some grocery items. We came back home and your Dad cooked breakfast, we ate, I did some bills online. Eventually your Dad needed to try to have a sleep before his afternoon shift.

I lay down in bed with your Dad tired but unable to nap, as I lay there I looked out the window at the clouds in the sky, there were two clouds close to one another yet not quite touching, they moved through the sky as the wind blew. Close together but not close enough… I thought about how that’s what it felt like with you, it’s like you are just there but I can’t touch you, you are just out of my reach. As I continued to watch the clouds slowly drifted together ever so slightly touching, as they did so I longed for that to be you and I even if we could just be those clouds for a moment, if I could just reach you, I would give anything for just one more moment with you. The clouds eventually became one and tears fell on my pillow once more…

As I saw this image it resonated with me so much I placed in on my Instagram Henry and the word poured out:


My empty arms for a baby, for our son, for our Henry who should be here.

My empty arms they ache, they ache for you

My broken heart will never fully be whole again

My mind will always be filled with the what if’s, the whys and my beautiful thoughts of you 

My hopes, my hopes and dreams for you lay shattered, they can never come true 

My body its weary, its weak as this grief washes over it once more 

My tears on to my pillow they fall 

My prayers are always to you, that you’ll be by my side, that you’ll help me get through

My eyes although they are open, a darkness surrounds me 

My hands they long to be able to touch your sweet face 

My words are never enough to explain 

My whispers of I love you, I hope they reach you safe 

My oh my I wonder how I’ll get through another day……… Broken      


Your Dad Henry, he couldn’t nap either I snuggled in to his arms, listening to the sound of his heartbeat.. Eventually I finally drifted in to that state between awake and asleep and ‘beep beep beep’ your Dads alarm went off. I sighed he sis too, he got up and made us one of his juices, it didn’t taste to bad like kale today, I drank my juice while your Dad showered, as soon as he was ready for work I burst in to tears and hugged him “I don’t want you to go today” I said to him “try to rest on the lounge with some Netflix” he said to me,  we hugged he told me I loved me, I told him to be safe as I always do before he goes to work, he left, as he walked out the tears poured out more.. I struggled to know what to do.

I walked in to your room Henry, I decided to put up the world map canvas we had bought, I put this on the wall and looked around, I collected together some of your special things.. I cleared some room in a draw in the lounge room. I placed your special box, some of your photographs and special things in to this draw to keep safe… I then folded your pram which had been left open in your room, I tidied up some of the things we had left sitting in your room, I put under your cot a container full of clothes we had for you, bigger sizes I had kept out of your draws, I sorted through some other clothes, I and placed them away, I tidied your shelves placing a photograph of you on them…. I looked around the room and sat down.

I sat, I sat in the chair, I placed my head in to my hands and tears softly fell, I sat the feeling was so surreal, I wondered was I pregnant? is this here? this all feels like a bad bad dream, it feels like it was all only yesterday, while feeling like it was so long ago. As I sat there in your room, I wondered is that what I should call it your room? it was created for you but then my mind wonders if by doing that am I sending out the wrong message to the universe around siblings for you? if I call all of these things yours… it isn’t theirs….. then I wonder does all that stuff work? does the universe really care? is all that stuff about ‘you bring about what you think about’ true? because I never thought any of this that’s happened with you… I only thought ahead of all the wonderful things we would do with you.. my mind is drowning in questions, thoughts… then I stop as I sit I realise that if you were here, here with us and we were to have a sibling for you… we would pass down all of your things to them anyway… so maybe its ok? I question… the only thing with this is, by handing down your things is that they remain unused.. then the next thought that consumes me is I don’t know that we will ever be blessed with siblings for you.

Your Dad messages me from work ‘I love you’ he says ‘I love you’ I say… ‘perfect arvo for netflix’ he replies to me ‘I put the canvas map up in Henry’s room, I tidied up his room and put some of his things away safely :/ Now I am sitting here with this surreal feelings, some days I wonder if its all a bad dream, it feels so far away from when I was pregnant with Henry, yet feels like yesterday are we supposed to keep it all set up, I never know’ …. ‘Good work babe 🙂 the waves of emotions and feeling xox’ says your Dad … Do you ever feel like this?’ I ask ‘Every morning at 2:40am’ he replies.

I had a bath, I tried to relax at 4pm I decided I would just put my pyjamas on, I sat on the lounge I tried to watch Netflix, I tried other things, but you remained on my mind.

I decided to feed your fur sisters and made myself a dinner of a baked vegetable salad and garlic sautéed steak. I ate… mechanical, survival mode… now I sit, I sit and type this all to you, I sit and type it all to you in-between getting up to close the back sliding door Snikkers keeps opening, I sit back down again and type…. all while missing, while longing, while loving you. My precious baby boy.



Well here we are Henry 36…. Tomorrow marks the day I will be 36 years old. I should have been away with you right now, your Dad and I had planned before you arrived a midweek escape in the blue mountains, to take you with us, to cosy up together in a little cottage with a fireplace, to take you in your carrier on bush walks and show you off as we have coffee and enjoy being a family. Instead here I am sitting at home as I type this without you. I waited so many many years to become a mum, this isn’t how I pictured it would be.

36….. We had the obstetrician from the hospital promptly remind me in one breath that I would be 36 this year Henry and apparently that means the clock is ticking!! tick tick tick better not leave having another baby too long… fuck well I didn’t choose for you too take so long and I certainly didn’t choose for this to happen and for you not to come home. I would give anything, anything to have had you much sooner and absolutely anything for you to be here now.

36 is being cancelled due to lack of interest and participation… from myself.. How can I celebrate me, when the best part of me, the part I want the most is missing.

I remember this picture I took last year after I turned 35, your Dad and I went to Melbourne for the weekend, I took this selfie and I posted it to instagram. I talked about how life was funny, how you go from being a teenager and wanting to grow up quickly, to your mid twenties and then reaching your thirties and feeling like you don’t want to get older… I talked about how 30 had been a difficult age for me, as I was so hard on myself, I felt like I should be fitter, be skinnier, like I should have had kids already and I had been trying to for many years, I had been scared of getting older and not being of where I others thought I should or I thought I should be…. I talked about a really difficult period in my life and how that gave me a shake up, how that shake ups had changed my life for the better, made me more positive, to do more in life, and most importantly not worry about my age or others thoughts… I talked about how even though we didn’t have children how very blessed I felt to have your Dad…. and our life together.. At 35 Henry I was happy within myself with who I was and where your Dad and I were going… It was not long after this post, after this weekend away, that we conceived you Henry, without even knowing it, just going about our lives and we conceived one of the most precious things in the world. Who knew within a year all this could happen. Who knew our world could be turned completely upside-down, it felt like it was changing once we knew about your existence but then our world changed in a way that we can never go back, nothing now will be the same within this past year…… I have been through the emotions of being so incredibly excited of what lay ahead of us and planning so much, to experiencing a love I would have never known, to absolute devastation, shattering heartbreak and struggling to even function and convince myself to get up for the day.


Sunday night Henry, Sunday night your Dad drank a little too much straight gin… I told him that this outdoes all the healthy things he is trying to do to ensure we have a sibling for you, I told him all those little sperm were now drunk and wouldn’t know which way to go… Your Dad then proceeded to run side to side in the kitchen “dododododo” and then pretend to bang his head in to the fridge then the cupboard then in to me imitating his drunk sperm… He did let me film this… although the condition was I couldn’t attach it to my letters to you, although he doesn’t read them so would never know if I actually did…. I really want to as it is funny but I will respect what he said, cause I am a sucker and love your Dad too much… I did send it to a couple of friends though (hehehe) one friend said “Oh tell him to save those sperm they definitely will not get the job done”

Sunday night Henry I told your Dad about my description of him in my letters to you of the impression he did the other day… “lucky I have got a bottle of gin in me and am like hehehe” he said laughing and shaking his head around…. I think your dad secretly likes the fame a little bit.

Monday morning Henry as I waited for your Dad to shower so we could go get some things, I breathed in and out a big deep breath… “I can do this” I told myself “We can do this” everyday Henry is a battle, a battle each day to get yourself and take yourself through another day.

Monday your Dad said “Lets go out to lunch to start your birthday week” I told him I had said to my friend that Thursday my birthday could go dig a hole and bury itself as far as I was concerned…. but lunch with your Dad would be nice just to have lunch, Monday we went to a cafe for lunch and I couldn’t eat all the meal…. Monday night your Dad cooked us a nice dinner.. Monday we got through the day, as we sat on the lounge that night Henry, my tears softly fell for you, for missing you, for having gotten through another day of you not being here, I am ever so slowly Henry starting to allow myself to feel what I feel with no judgement, no timeline, nothing… Just being in those feelings.

Tuesday Henry I woke up, I woke up and my defences were down…. Tuesday I had agreed to go help a friend who needed a hand in her shop, offered my time.. but Tuesday morning when I woke well I hadn’t even got on the bike for the day to try to cycle and it was already in pieces on the road… Tears poured on to my pillow so quickly, your Dad had already left for work and my tears furiously and fast hit the pillow I actually found myself calling out “I just want my baby boy, I just want my baby” I thought to myself about how I shouldn’t be having this time off work and going to help my friend as some sort of distraction, I should be looking after you, working out another day as your Dad heads to work… this is not what should be.

Tuesday Henry between the loud sobs and cries out for you, I got myself up and in to the shower, I got myself dressed even though I didn’t want to and purely because I had made a commitment and didn’t want to let my friend down, I said I would be there to help out… So I made sure that despite finding it extremely difficult to get myself together, I somehow picked as many pieces up as I should have and got them together in some form and I did it.

I did have an ok day Henry, it did act as a distraction, it was good I helped for four hours and then I headed home, once home I had a cry to release it all and a big drink of water. Tuesday night Henry, the feelings changed the sadness changed to gratefulness, gratefulness that you did bless us with your presence, that you did chose us to be your mum and dad and that you are ours, you Henry have shown me such a love like I have never known, such an incredible love that I never thought I would ever feel or never knew existed and for that my darling boy, my precious baby boy I am so incredibly grateful… I sat and your Dad and I talked about you, our little boy, we talked about all your hair, your nose, your size and we talked with such a tenderness and even small smiles we then both said out loud “We love you beautiful boy, our Henry”


Tuesday night your Dad had shown me a picture he was sent, it was him in his rural fire brigade uniform, I commented on how handsome and young he looked “Look how young I look” he said “not now”, “I feel like we have both aged” I said and I think we have Henry.. loosing you has been incredibly hard on us both. I looked at the picture and another of your Dad when he was young, I looked at some pictures of when I was young… I looked at those photographs wondering who would you have looked like the most as you grew, what colour would your hair have been as you got older? Your Dad and I were both blondies when we were young babies than our hair got darker.. I looked at a photo of me as a baby and there it was… that same nose, you definitely had my nose.

So Henry your Dad and I, well we have agreed on a schedule, yep that’s right a schedule for making siblings for you 😮 we have decided to try to get this job done and see if it will work well we have to try every second day! That is it, no ifs, no butts, so last night was the second day. As I cuddled up to your Dad in bed “You have a job to do” I said in a funny voice “I know” he replied in a voice higher than mine, he then couldn’t get off his pyjama pants which somehow had a double knot tied in them and got ourselves caught up and tangled in the bed sheet and just started laughing…. There is no romance anymore Henry….. no romance at all.

This morning Henry, this morning I struggled to sleep, yet struggled to get up, I lay in bed for a long time this morning, the only thing getting me up was that I had arranged to go to a friend’s place for a cuppa… So I got myself up Henry almost mechanically and got in to the shower.. Shower half way through washing my hair was interrupted by lots of barking that wouldn’t stop and a delivery at the door… so I raced out with a towel on my head and dressing gown on… two parcels with the post man, one to sign for…. One parcel from a friend which was labelled ‘don’t open until Thursday’ and another parcel with my name…. I popped them on the table and got back in the shower, once I had finished showering and was dressed I opened the second parcel a gift voucher for a lingerie store….. Maybe your Dad is trying to tell me he would like a little more romance to things 😛  he can start by making sure he can actually get his pyjamas off 😀 or perhaps Henry your Dad is actually being considerate, since having you my body isn’t quite the same and not the same size or shape… so maybe he actually wants me to have something nice for myself…. which in turn ends up being something for him anyway..

I messaged your Dad to say Thank you, as I had been in such a rush I hadn’t yet noticed a piece of paper on the bench, it wasn’t until I went to leave to head to my friend’s place I noticed it…. SKYDIVE AUSTRALIA! your booking details said the form….. A jump booked for tomorrow Henry 😮 Your Dad had left this on the bench, I told him I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday so he said he had organised a distraction!! Distraction indeed!!! FAR OUT!! I messaged your Dad ‘are you F#$^%*n serious?’ I asked ‘F*&k’…… ‘Just a distraction for tomorrow’ he replied ‘ahhhhh a little more than a distraction’ I replied… So tomorrow Henry your Dad and I will be jumping out of a plane! Yep! Something I definitely wouldn’t do if you were here…… Maybe it will bring me a little closer to you.

Today Henry I had tea with my friend, we haven’t known each other a long time, but she is a kind, beautiful and gentle lady, she had even passed on some items to me when I was pregnant with you and made a bear which people signed at my baby shower. We had tea together and talked about lots of different things, it was nice to chat with her, to talk to be there, she is so lovely and I appreciated her time.

Today I went to a psychologist appointment, we talked about you, we talked about how grateful I felt for you having blessed our lives… We talked about my anxiety, anxiety about still not being able to go certain places, about the panic that can set in about not wanting people to ask of you and where you are, as I don’t know how I will explain, how do I explain… We talked about the different reactions I get from people as they find out, I explained how I know people do not know what to say and that’s ok, but how it can be difficult to watch someone become awkward in front of you and excuse themselves to get away you can feel their instant discomfort and its hard… It’s hard feeling that way, but I know its difficult for them too… Then there’s the people who say they are sorry, some will ask about you others not so sure, one thing I guess I want everyone to know is that its ok… It is ok to ask about you, most people in this situation we want to share about our babies, we want to talk about them.

Tonight after my appointment I came home Henry, your Dad has cooked us a beautiful dinner…. he’s such a good egg your Dad. As I walked in the door “Happy Distraction day Eve” he said to me…. He says this as I told him I am not celebrating my birthday, he says this due to his distraction present.. I am still in shock Henry, still so damn shocked, it certainly has me a little distracted… as I am freaking out. Tomorrow we jump out of a plane from 15,000 feet… tomorrow well…. tomorrow.. tomorrow will be whatever tomorrow is, I know I will be missing you as always, I know I will be aching for you to be here, I just hope I feel your beautiful presence with me, as I know the only wish I have for tomorrow could never come true…

In the words of a pink song…

There’s a whole ‘nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

I wish I could be beamed up to wherever you are, to be, to see you, take you in, hold you, just even one more time… Our precious Henry…

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