Moving forward, while feeling like we are unable to move.

Last night, last night I awoke in the middle of the night from a vivid dream…In my dream we were in a house, next to the house was another tea attached to the house where we had been staying we had left the puppies in there, next thing we heard a noise I was so scared so worried someone was outside. It turned out to be Snikkers and Missy they had broken out of the other part of the house to find us. “we forgot about them” I cried to your dad as we greeted them in my dream Snikkers took us running back through the other part of the house. It was ruined there were pieces of everything everywhere, shattered, torn apart it looked like it had been abandoned for years and in ruins we ran through it I remember looking around feeling so much sadness at it all, so much pain…. then I woke in a cold sweat thinking of you Henry as I always do when I wake, I lay there in the complete darkness as my sadness it consumed me, all-consuming so much so I felt I could not move, stuck laying in the same spot in the darkness.. I don’t know when I finally fell back to sleep as I thought again about you and even some of the what ifs, but it doesn’t bring you back to us.

Yesterday while grabbing a few essential items we laughed, I said to your dad I could thank you for forever turning me off jam drop biscuits, I used to love one certain brand of them that were gluten-free and since being pregnant with you and being so unwell I couldn’t touch them while pregnant, I was so turned off them and they made me feel ill… its early days but I still can not stand the thought of them now, so I said to your dad at least you were keeping me somewhat healthy… except for the copious amounts of chocolate I have been eating… “he loved chocolate” Your dad said to me and I smiled, because you did…. The last few months of pregnancy I could eat chocolate and you did love it, it was one of those things where as soon as I ate it you would always react and move in some way. I remember reading an article that indicated you could taste some of the flavours I would eat, so with how active you were once I ate chocolate we decided you must really love it.

Yesterday we started work on the corner of the garden we want to create in your honour and memory, a place to sit, a place of comfort, to feel you with us, a special place just for you! We worked hard, we worked really hard, perhaps in some ways pushing my body more than I should, but I wanted to, I so very badly wanted to for you.

Today, today your dad and I are going to head further south for a couple of nights, try to get out on some walks in nature and just be, be how we want to be, not that we already haven’t been but just away from the house, the street, all that we know. First though I sit here this morning deciding whether I go to a morning tea, it’s a morning tea to do with essential oils to help with grieving, I always like the natural approach and try to use it where I can throughout my life, but I lay here and question….. Would that really help? as it feels like nothing in the world can help the daily turmoil and pain we go through daily.

Today brings another day of gorgeous sunshine, which I am ever so thankful for, but I just wish you were in my arms, here with us so I could take you for a walk, sit in our backyard and just cuddle and look at you and enjoy it, the tears stream down my face as I type this as we had so many plans on places we wanted to take you. I had even planned a little holiday for the three of us in July, we were going to take you to the blue mountains for a few days, spend it bushwalking with you in your carrier safe on our chests, and at night we had planned to sit by the fireplace at the accommodation with you, this brings a twinge of pain and that never ending feeling in my stomach that we never get to do this with you.

This morning as I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw the sunshine streaming in to your room, we have the door open as we feel this is what works for us, I walked to and stood in the doorway seeing the room all lit up with the light, I looked in to your cot where your dad had placed at the head of it a sign he had picked out for your room ‘Boy – a noise with dirt on it’….. ‘see also little rascal’ then I thought but we never got to hear you make a noise. I continued to look, at your perfectly set up room….. and it will remain that way, everything in its place, never to be touched, my heart aches, my heart screams, while my head asks the same question over and over ‘why?’.

Almost 1 in 100 babies are born sleeping like you were my Henry (I use that term as I prefer it over stillborn) Up to a third of these annually it is found could have been prevented. With the current figures one child dies of stillbirth every four hours in Australia. Fifty percent are unexplained That’s a lot of mums and dads with no answers as to why their baby was not able to come home.  It is so sad these statistics and there needs to be more education for mothers and fathers to be. I wouldn’t like to see new parents scared, but education around reduced movements, not being scared to seek out assistance or contact someone if movement has reduced… Thats just a start there are other factors other information which could and should be shared more with parents to be. I know I have read information where mothers have thought movement has reduced towards the end of their pregnancy as the baby is running out of room. I am not saying this is what happened with our Henry but it is important information to get out there.

In a few weeks I hope to post some links to some articles and information to raise some more awareness.

So today I am going to now get up, I am going to put one foot in front of the other, I am going to get through another day for you Henry.

Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April 2018 and learning to parent after loss with Henry's little sister born in August 2019.. View all posts by Letters to Henry