Tag: pregnancy

Holidays Henry, Christmas holidays, New Years, the season to be joyous, to celebrate to give each other gifts, see family and friends. Christmas cheer. New Years where we all reflect on the year we’ve had and often make resolutions to make the year ahead a better one or better ourselves. Yet how do you reflect on a year that was both the best and most awful year of your life, how do you find joy in Christmas when your child is gone, how do you even begin to process a year in which you started the most happiest of your life, full of dreams for what would be ahead, all the fun, laughter and thoughts of how we’d watch you grow and it finished with you knocked so far down to the very bottom and its been the biggest fight of our lives life to try to get back up and continue.

How do I Henry? How can I look at this past year, full of the joy and thought as we walked in to that hospital of thinking we were bringing you home, of listening to your heart beat on those first two days when they did check and then nothing on that third day I was there, of the very moment my own heart felt like it shattered in to pieces and can never be repaired, of reliving the look on your Dads face as he arrived back that morning to be told you weren’t coming home. How Henry? how? This year I became a mum, this year you were born, meeting you was something else, my words are not even enough to describe the immense amount of pure love I felt seeing you, of how much I had dreamed of that moment and to finally be here, this, You, made it the best year of my entire life, yet the absolute heart wrenching aching, shattering pain of losing you made it the absolute worst… the best and worst year of my life.

My beliefs have been challenged to the very core Henry, the everyday platitudes we tell ourselves as we go through life, well they don’t apply, I can’t believe them anymore. I guess they have their place in life for other situations and are good for some to help them ‘make meaning’ of what’s happened in their life, after all we all seem to need meaning, to make some sort of sense of things, but there’s no sense in this Henry none at all.

“Something good will come of this, it always does with these things” I had someone say to me recently and while I smiled politely in reply and bit my tongue as I knew they meant well and did not want to offend them by arguing that point. There’s nothing good that comes of this, it’s not the way it goes… I sat and repeated this to my psychologist during a session, she turned to me and agreed, then she said “There is a reaction to every action” I stopped and thought about it, I liked that because its true, there is a reaction to every action. This didn’t ‘happen for a reason’, This wasn’t sent to us because something ‘good’ will come from it’, there will however be a reaction to every action. So as your Dad and I wander further down this road and navigate it, if we choose to do things to honour you further Henry, there’ll be a reaction to these things good or bad… It doesn’t mean though ‘it was meant to be’ because we choose to take action that creates something good.

“God only does this to the strong ones” I had someone else say to me, “Because I couldn’t handle it, losing a baby, a child full term” they said again another moment where I didn’t want to upset them, not the place to say otherwise.. This isn’t something I ever imagined that I would ‘handle’ it isn’t ever something I thought that I would have too, but losing a baby at any gestation or a child at any age, isn’t something that anyone is ‘chosen’ for and it’s not for a ‘select few’ of super humans who have this inner strength where they can handle it, it is something you (anyone) are just thrown into, you are not super human, you do not have any more strength than anyone else that makes you have the ability to ‘handle’ something like this, you just find yourself completely lost in this dark world of pain, grief, hurt, anger and shock and you somehow in a haze make your way through each dark day and night, trying to find what may get you through the next minute or hour and you look for others who may have travelled this path before to know that you can keep going. You look for support from family and friends for them to listen or make you a meal, to be there on your bad days and the good. There are plenty of moments where you find yourself drowning in water so deep you don’t think you’ll make it out alive and yet somehow you do.

I used to believe those platitudes Henry and goodness knows I probably have said to others in the past “Everything happens for a reason”, I know I have said it to myself but the truth is Henry life is life, There’s no reason behind this or a reason why it’s happened to us. So all my beliefs about ‘you bring about what you think about’, ‘you choose happiness’ and other things that got me through what I thought were hard times in the past. These are not my beliefs anymore, that is not to say I don’t think you can’t do things in your life to make positive changes. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ever think this up or imagine it to make it happen, but it’s where we find ourselves Henry, navigating this world without you in our loving arms, I can only do things like see my psychologist to help myself and my mental health, to get coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks I now get, to talk about what I need to and discuss ways to help myself when flashbacks and PTSD kick in, to continue going to the gym and my PT sessions to help myself physically which contributes to my overall health and to on the days where I fall to the floor sobbing, when I sit in the bottom of the shower with the water running over me, tears streaming down my face and feel as though I can’t face another day, in those moments where the anger is so raw or I wake from nightmares crying softly in to my pillow, allow myself to feel that too as it’s all a part of it. These are the ‘positive’ things I can do to help myself.

I can continue to write my letters to you, to help let others know ‘it’s ok’ to speak your name, to talk about death and grief, I can offer others an insight in to this monstrous ever-changing mountain we constantly climb in the hope that maybe, these words might help someone else or change someones reaction to what they say or how they care for a loved one or friend who loses a child. I can attempt to with many others I know break the culture and stigma around grief and loss, so that we might Henry and others be able to grieve openly and honestly without any shame or guilt in a society that can become very uncomfortable around those who have lost a child.

Its been a big lead up to Christmas and the holidays Henry, there’s been anxiety of not knowing how we will be, what we should do, yet there’s no right or wrong way to be, I have noticed so many ways in which others have chosen to honour their children, ways in which they have included them in to the season. Everyone does this differently and I respect this so much.

We didn’t decorate the house this year as neither of us ‘felt ‘like it, I am glad we were able to in our ways honour and what we needed and that our families could give us the space and understanding we asked for. Christmas Eve we had your Dad’s family over for dinner, we prepared most of the day, cooked, cleaned, I made a baked cheesecake, Pavlova and two salads while your Dad prepared pork, brisket and roast veggies. Everyone came it was like a whirlwind, watching your cousins run around the house I found myself having to rescue your urn and a few other times placing them up higher this didn’t annoy me it made me giggle, they ran outside and waited for Santa to drive past in the fire truck, laughter and smiles it was so good to see. I watched as I moved back and forth to the kitchen everyone sit outside and talk, run after the kids play, laugh and I almost felt as though without you here we somehow weren’t a part of it. That’s not to anyones fault, they didn’t do anything to make us feel that way, I just felt a distance we couldn’t join in talk about you as a child and where you were at, we couldn’t play with you like we could with the other children, as I lifted one of them up and held him upside down and tickled his belly as he laughed. As we ate Henry there were small conversations but missing for us was any talk of you. What can others say though Henry?, thinking of it now I should have perhaps cheers to you, everyone sat so quikly and staggered to serve themselves to eat, I am not sure we even did a cheers this year.

After dinner and dessert everyone rushed off so quickly, I understand there were kids to get to bed, and routines and things people wanted to do, there also is not a lot of toys at our place for the kids to play with, but it was so quick, one minute so much noise, then just quiet and your Dad and I left standing looking at one another, I felt as though because we were preparing the food we barely got the time to actually talk to anyone and then they were gone. I wondered how different it may have been if you were here, if they maybe would have stayed longer, felt more comfortable, I wondered if you were here would we be rushing off from somewhere to put you to bed, how would it have been? very different that’s for sure.

Christmas Day as I woke I reflected on the silence, it wasn’t a silence we thought we would have, last Christmas we talked about the next one with excitement about all of our plans, about how it might go about what we would do… Yet we were finally here and none of it would ever be, we woke to the same silence we do each morning and hate, we woke to that silence and I moved in to your Dads arms and tears fell from my eyes so slowly down my cheeks and on to his bare chest, he held me tighter until I finally suggested we go to your beach Henry and we got up and got ready.

I took with us your little blue bear and a paper daisy I had dried out from a bunch I was given, we got their early and not many people were out yet, as your Dad and I stepped in to the cool refreshing water and waves washed over me as always it was like a relief from the pain I always feel just for a moment, as we got out far enough I released the flower in to the water and your Dad and I watched as it floated about, staying near us for quite some time, your Dad captured some images as he had his camera to take photos in the surf. We held on to one another and watched it gently float in the water until a large wave came and took it away and we stood after the wave and saw it float further and further away from us. I do wonder if anyone found that flower on the sand that day Henry, and wondered where it came from? Without knowing it, by their wondering they would be thinking of you.

After we left the water we came home and cleaned, so much for Christmas, spending Christmas Day cleaning but we needed the distraction as we cleaned your Dad got a message something was left on our doorstep. I went out later to get it and bring it inside, three boxes high one on top of the other wrapped carefully with ribbons. The card had a not to open last, so your Dad stood close by as I opened the first box labelled ‘for Henry’ inside was the most beautiful blue bauble with silver writing ‘Henry’s 1st Christmas’ instantly I couldn’t even lift it out of the box as tears started in my eyes I looked up at your Dad tears in his eyes too, we both laughed a little at the tears the other had like ‘we knew it would happen’ we wouldn’t be able to open this without tears It was so very thoughtful and beautiful seeing your name.

The next box as opened it on top a wrapped present for Missy and Snikkers, even your fur sisters were remembered with some treats, next was some wine for me, some young Henry’s beers for your Dad, chocolate and other treats. As we opened the next box a candle that smells like the ocean, cook books full of healthy recipes, and some other small treats, we could tell it was all picked out with us in mind, thoughtful gifts, a candle like the ocean to light for you, treats and recipes of good food as we love to cook. I opened the card and the incredibly heartfelt words inside brought tears to both of our eyes once more, talk of lighting the candle as I cook so that I can think of you while doing something I love. it reminded me a little more of the me I have not seen a lot of, of the me that makes a rare appearance these days and of how I do need to when I feel I can do more of what I love to do.

The rest of the afternoon was spent playing monopoly, your Dad got a head start buying some of the more expensive properties and put houses on them quickly my finances got low and I found myself bargaining prices giving your Dad money and other properties to help me pay the rent I owed. We left the game to go back to your beach to watch the sunset while I held your bear in my hands.

Since Christmas Henry we have had some good and some bad days, we’ve been swimming in secret creeks to keep out of the heat with friends, we’ve swam in the ocean and floated down another creek in the current. Yesterday the though of you and my physical ache that I feel to hold you, to want you here was too much, I spent the day in sadness with lots of tears, I had flashbacks which brought panic and found it hard to breathe your Dad holding me as he encouraged me to breathe and I could eventually talk through it with him. I still remember what it was like to hold you, your weight against me as I held you close what you felt like, I long for that so often, my arms they ache to hold you close.

Since our miscarriage Henry, we have seen the obstetrician, I was having blood test every couple of days to follow my HCG levels back down to zero, the last time we saw him, he really didn’t have to see us but we wanted to keep the appointment with him, I needed something, some advice, a plan….. We sat in his office ” What can I do for you Kristy?” he asked compassionately I sat and I looked at him “Well I am an organised person” I said to him “I need to know where to from here, I need a plan” I almost pleaded with him he looked at me and smiled “You go home and you have sex Kristy that’s your plan, have lots of sex and drink some wine to help relax but not too much” your Dad and I laughed at that “See” your Dad said as though he thought he were right “Here I am telling him he shouldn’t drink too much as it’s not good and your telling him to drink” I said to our Ob, “Well he doesn’t want to much so as not to perform” he laughed “You have a job to do” I said to your Dad jokingly. We talked a little more and I said to Dr W, “How long do we try for though, considering with Henry it took so long”, “give it three months” he replied “I was going to do some tests and give you some medication to ovulate but you are showing you are so just give it a bit more time”. We left there feeling listened to and heard at least which was nice. As we walked to the car I said to your Dad “Never advice I thought I would hear from the Dr drink wine” we laughed.

As we walked to the bedroom one night Henry I held a phone charger in my hand I walked up behind your Dad and poked him cheekily in the bum with it “It’d be a shit charge” he said to me laughing at his own joke I shook my head and laughed a little too as we climbed in to bed I moved closer to him, after all I had drunk my wine, now comes the other part right… “What happens if I plug it in the front” I said to your Dad my hand moving further down “Woah woah” said you Dad “You can’t use all the charge at once” I moved my hand slower “There that better” I asked laughing and poked my tongue out at him “How am I supposed to know when its ready to go” I asked jokingly “bdp” your dad makes the noise our phones make when you place them on charge and we both laughed and laughed and laughed at least we don’t take ourselves to seriously”

Oh we continue our game of monopoly Henry and I finally got some houses and hotels, Your Dad began landing on them and the money came my way, he eventually began a tab owing me, it kept happening at one stage he rolled a double landed on my property with hotels, rolled another double of two ones and landed on my next property I tried but couldn’t contain my laughter as how could that happen “Oh go ahead laugh at the poor boy, this is just my life” he said sarcastically and playfully “Naw sore loser” I said “you had all the money now your losing it’s not as fun” we continued to play until your Dad worked up a tab of $5000 and gave up I jokingly kissed the Monopoly money and threw it in the air, ever gracious winner.. I can tell your Dad is already planning the next game and how he will win.

As 2018 draws to a close Henry, as many make their resolution, put up statuses reflecting on the year that’s been, the highs, the lows and how they will take all of their positivity in to 2019 and leave the old things behind and they have every right to do so, as they celebrate their achievements and the year thats been. For some of us it’s not a celebration, it’s not about leaving things behind, some things won’t magically change or be able to be different because the clock strikes midnight. We can however as we move in to 2019 continuing to carry our grief and love in whatever way we need too, we can continue to speak of you and say your name as you are ours and we are yours, we might not be able to say things such as ‘New year, new me’ or make resolutions for the year ahead to be our best and better as we know how precious life is and that it can all just change in an instant.

We can however Henry go in to 2019 continuing to honour you, continuing to recognise and learn about how we grieve, to allow ourselves to grieve, we can say we are still going when we thought we wouldn’t be, we may not be able to ‘choose happiness’ as some would think, as the trauma we have been through took away that choice… it’s not as simple as just put on a smile and be happy when you have been through what we have. We can though recognise the bravery we have found in ourselves, how loving you has forever changed us and continue to support one another through. We can take what hope we have to keep us holding on in to the year ahead and know

I don’t know what 2019 will bring, I have no expectations, I know there will still be days I hurt so badly and my whole body will ache for you, I know there’ll be days I can get up and go about my day ok too, I know there’ll be further firsts and challenges to face as memories of my pregnancy, baby shower, start of maternity leave and then your first birthday approach , I still wonder how we do those days too. Maybe there’ll be small joys to be found, maybe we will face the challenges and hurdles of another pregnancy after loss and wondering if it will all be ok. Maybe we will find more hope and hold on more to the love we have for you everyday.

I won’t go in to the New Year with the same outlook I had last year, I won’t go in to the New year wanting to celebrate, I’m not going in to the New year the same person I was, I will go in to the new Year as a mother, your mother, I will go in to the New Year knowing your Dad and I will always speak your name, I will go in to the New year knowing there are so many lives you have touched this year and how incredible this is and I will go in to the New year with all the love we hold for you forever. We love you to the moon and back Henry, forever and always.

 

My words escape me recently Henry, I feel like I have no words to describe how I feel, what is going on, all that is sitting with me right now. I am on this kind of auto pilot where I go out in to the world I do what we need to do, I work my days that I am working, I go to the gym on the days I have PT, I go to the shops as we need to buy food, I eat, I cook sometimes, but it is meaningless, I just do it because. I put on a ‘brave’ face to everyone Henry as it’s what I ‘need’ to do or am ‘expected’ too, no one wants to see the sad person especially around such a festive time of year.. I mean “isn’t she finished being sad yet?”

I have no fight left in me, I am the bird that’s lost the ability to fly, the boxer who can’t get back up in the ring, the horse with the badly broken leg, I am the woman who no one knows what to say to anymore as it just seems like the ‘bad luck’ if that is what we can call it keeps following me. Henry what do you say to the person who has lost their child and then their next awaited baby they wanted all within the one year, I feel like I am too broken for this world.

Any hope I had has just completely gone, weeks away from Christmas and no hope in sight, not an ounce and I just can’t get my head around how we do this, I said to my psychologist “I don’t know what to do” but really what can we do but feel what we are feeling and try to talk ourselves in to getting through another day.

The big wound that losing you left Henry the one that is like a big gaping hole inside me, its had the scab ripped right back off again, any parts that were beginning to slowly heal to repair a little, the skins been torn off and its opened right up again bleeding and raw. Having this miscarriage has brought me right back to where I was when I came home without you. I knew repairing would take time, I knew this wound was way to big, take time to repair and would always leave pain and a massive scar as losing a child doesn’t ever leave you, there’ll be triggers, reminders, memories and moments for the rest of our lives. I didn’t expect though that anything else could happen to take what little part had began to repair and rip it right back open again.

I have been thinking about how? how we get through Christmas, what do we do, I said to your Dad the other day I know I would have already been organised for Christmas with you, I would’ve had it all ready as that is me it’s what I like to do. I decided that we should put together a gift to donate to charity for a boy who would be your age, one that wouldn’t normally be fortunate enough to get a gift this Christmas.. fortunate what a funny word in a situation like ours, we are fortunate enough to have good jobs, a roof over our head, your fur sisters money for food yet we are not fortunate enough to have you our beautiful baby boy here with us and to watch you grow as we should be.. I saw a saying that said ‘Dont confuse my grief with ingratitude’ and it’s so true… While I am grateful Henry for our home, food on the table etc I am still a grieving mother who just wants more than anything in the world the one thing she can’t have and that’s you.

So the other day I searched for a romper I had bought for you while I was pregnant, I remember the day I bought it, I had walked in to this store to get a gift for a friend who had just had her baby boy, I looked and looked at all the things, I picked out a romper I really liked for her boy and another gift as I took it to the counter the lady said to me, that particular brand is buy one get a percentage off a second item, I was going to say no but I thought to myself I liked the romper so much I could get one for you… I picked the next size up though as it was a summer one and the organised me thought I would need one that would have fit you for the summer. So I found the size and bought it.

I looked and looked through your room as I know I had placed it somewhere your Dad came home to find me crying in your room as I searched he asked what was wrong I explained to him what I was looking for, he helped me find it, I held it in my hands looking at it as the tears streamed down my face the material was so incredibly soft it took me straight back to that day and the joy I had felt choosing it out for you. The smile had thinking about when you would wear it. Yet you never got too. I placed it aside and thought that would be the start of my gift to donate.

The reason for choosing that Henry is that your Dad and I had planned a four gift rule, not something we made up but something I had seen and we liked the idea of ‘Something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read’ We had also planned you would get to open a book every Christmas Eve and that we would all sit on the lounge together with some chocolate and to read books to you. So I thought why not do the same for another little boy, and hopefully bring some joy to him and his family.

I picked a book that I had already bought for you too, there’s a set of books called ‘Thats not my’ they are a set of simple hard cover books that have lots of different textures through them perfect for little fingers and to explore with the senses. I picked one of them off the shelf and thought to myself they would have been so good for your age at Christmas eight months and you would still be setting teeth and like to chew on and hold things so it would have been great for you.

I spoke with your Dad the next day and we made our way to the shops to pick out the ‘something you want and something you need’ this shopping trip ended up a lot harder than I thought it may Henry I didn’t realise how incredibly hard it would be standing there, looking at seeing the toys all the things we could have bought for you but never get the chance too, Your Dad and I looked together I thought about what you may have wanted, something I will never actually know I would have loved to get you something for the beach but this store didn’t have that so instead I looked at the beautifully crafted wooden toys picking up a tractor your Dad nodded, a wooden tractor I imagine you would have picked up in your hands, you might have thrown it on to the ground to hear the sound it made, we would have gently sat with you on the floor showing you how to push it along, you may have smiled you may have tried to take it back from us. I know your Dad would’ve made sound effects to go with it to make you giggle.

I stood looking for something you need not quite being able to find the right thing, Your Dad then said to me “can you hurry up” I instantly became upset thinking he was getting impatient I walked to the counter with just the tractor and paid so we could go, we walked outside I began to walk faster than your Dad as I was upset. He pulled me back I can’t even remember the words he said I argued with him that I was just trying to do something nice, just trying to do something to try to somehow help us but help someone else too, to make it feel like we had done something for you for Christmas in honour of you… it was in this moment I actually looked up at your Dads face and saw the tears in his eyes. I saw the sadness the hurt and he gently said to me “I just couldn’t look at all those things anymore” It was in this moment Henry that I realised I can’t….. No matter what I do how hard I try I cat in any way protect your Dad or I from the hurt, from the pain, from what feelings Christmas and the many days ahead will bring.. none of it, it’s there and we can not hide from it, nor can we be sheltered from it either.

I quickly went and got a teether for the something you need and we left to come home, once there I got out the special wrapping paper I had ordered with palm leaves on it as it reminds me of you and I carefully in the best way I could wrapped all the items in to a gift, As I did so I thought about how you probably would have at the age you would have been enjoyed the wrapping paper more, I thought about how you may have laughed as we helped you tear it open, I thought I wonder how your giggle would have sounded, I wonder who you would have been growing to look like. I still wonder everyday and probably will for the rest of my life. I hope this gift brings joy to a little boy, and that without knowing they may talk about where it came from and thats almost as good as talking about you.

The thought of your sibling Henry had given us some hope for Christmas, now I don’t even want Christmas at all.

I’m so exhausted every day Henry, I still travelled for work last week for a meeting and after that I came home absolutely wrecked, I was still bleeding from the miscarriage, I had to face people in my team that I had not seen yet and wonder about how they might be with me how they may react… That was a really difficult task and I know people do not know what to say, but there was only two people who actually acknowledged you and that was on the second day. The rest probably thought it may upset me I guess, but truth is it hurt more that they didn’t acknowledge you. I am not blaming them they are not to know what’s right or wrong, but it’s just how I feel. I did have one person say to me “Oh well you are looking very tanned and relaxed” …. 😦 ‘really’ I thought to myself in my head… ‘what do you think I have been doing been on a 6 month holiday?’ I didn’t respond like that though I just said “well that’s not how I feel”

After we finished out first day of the meeting I rang your Dad, instantly I began to cry “I can’t do this” I said to him “how can I keep up, remember all that’s gone on all the changes and do my job when I am like this” he gently reminded me “One day at a time just do what you can and communicate when you can’t” easier said the done though Henry for someone who likes to be seen as doing their job well, who likes to get it done I am so reluctant to say “I can’t” I don’t want to be that person who cant.

I went to dinner with my colleagues that night and everyone’s dinner but mine started to come out, I sat I waited and when it didn’t come out one of the girls went up to enquire about it, I went up when she wasn’t returning to find they had lost the docket with my order on it ‘No dinner for you Kristy’ I just thought to myself ‘this is your life’ one thing as simple as diner order not being placed but it had to be me.

After dinner I eventually walked back to my the hotel as I was exhausted one of the girls had asked me to text her to tell her I got back ok. I did so and she later text to ask if I was ok I told her how I felt, I told her how I had no confidence in myself and my abilities anymore, How I worried I wasn’t capable as I once was, how I was concerned about what happens if I need to come back full-time or do visits I am not ready for. She texted me back to tell me to go easy on myself that it was massive step I had taken coming to this meeting and being away from home let alone everything else, she said how much she saw me in the meeting that day the way I spoke that I knew what I was talking about and that me was still there, we chatted some more before I went to sleep.

On Sunday afternoon Henry we had been invited to Jerrymara estate for Christmas Drinks, Your Nanny and poppy know the owners and they were kind enough to invite us all along for the afternoon with their other guests, it was such a beautiful place Henry, the scenery, the gardens so good to sit outdoors and be able to enjoy it all. Everyone there was so very nice and I must admit just sitting back and listening to others stories was a little bit needed.. They didn’t all know us so not everyone there knew about you. Later in the afternoon we did get asked if we had any children and Henry one thing I have decided recently is that I can’t not acknowledge you so I was honest and I said “We had a little boy Henry who passed away” the people who had asked were kind, they were sympathetic and although its hard I felt happy that I had acknowledged you and your existence your Dad was too.

The one thing about Sunday for your Dad was the helicopter there, I have already told you Henry how much he loves helicopters and to see him smile from ear to ear as he looked at the helicopter was so nice to see, I think it made his day to be up close to one and look inside. I am actually surprised we managed to get him home to be honest and didn’t find him later in the afternoon asleep inside or pretending to fly. Our hosts for the afternoon were so beautiful and have incredibly kind heart, Kate regularly donates to a range of charities and is a woman after my own heart as she loves animals like I do. The highlight for your Dad may have been the helicopter, the highlight for me was their beautiful dog called Jet, he was so very lovely and got lots of pats from us.. He was a rescue and a little overwhelmed by all the people there at one stage, which meant I got to take him for a walk, and spend some time with him.

Such a beautiful afternoon with lovely people Henry. It was nice to listen to what people did and find out all about them. One young couple with some beautiful children have just started a business making and selling mead, Joel who had started this had brought some along and allowed us to try it, it was beautiful to drink, they have named the business Hunter and the Harp which is after two of their children, they now have a third but I know they’ll include them somehow, its nice to see people who are trying new things and to listen to Joel talk about the business with passion, he was humble and also you could just tell he loved the adventure they were embarking upon, it’s so wonderful to see people try new things, we also spoke to the owners of Charc & Cheese who create gourmet platters boxes and grazing tables and a lady I didn’t get to talk to much from South Coast Experiences who offer planned and unique experiences for your visit on the south coast.

Yesterday marked a big day in parliament Henry, well its big for some of us. Yesterday evening the report from the national inquiry in to stillbirth was tabled to parliament with a range of recommendations to help reduce the rate in Australia, the report identifies how the rate has not changed in over 20 years, it identifies that in cases families have been failed by systems and health professionals, we certainly were… There is so much in this report discussing the impact that this has on families, the fact families are not at times supported through the trauma of losing their child. As Kristina Keanelly addressed the parliament one thing she said stuck out to me greatly, “It’s a particular sadness a singular grief one so hard to fathom that I can understand that collectively as a country we have considered stillbirth to sad to talk about as a public health problem” its time for that to change, as these families need more support and we need to work on ways to prevent this from happening, six families a day is way to many and so many cases it should never occur.

I am so glad that by putting in a submission Henry we could contribute and help to identify the some of the problems which exist and help to form a part of the solution too, nothing can stop it from happening completely, but there are plenty of measures identified within the report which can assist to help reduce rates, which can also support families who do go through the pain, There are stories Henry of families losing their job as they were expected to return to work straight away, I am so blessed I could still take maternity leave at half-pay, not all have that option, though we had our own circumstances, medical negligence, no follow-up bereavement care and support as we should have received and a range of other problems identified, it’s not good enough.

I have seen this morning the government has committed 7 million to stillbirth research, campaigns and for the government to be able to start implementing some of the recommendations in the report this is a great start, to help see families not have to go through the same trauma we are. The report talks about the lasting impact on parents psychologically.

Reading just these lines in the report alone, for this to be acknowledged the effect it can have, to read these words helped me to feel a little less alone. To look at this to want to address this to no longer sweep it under the rug as its to sad or awkward to talk about will improve things for families in the future. I know how incredibly hard it was to write a submission to share your story and address the terms of reference, I think it’s so incredibly brave of all the families who did this to do so, I also can’t thank enough the professionals who also placed in submissions and who recognise there needs to be change.

I am battling Henry, I am battling so many conflicting feelings right now, It is so incredibly hard and its hard to allow myself to feel them as they are feelings that are not me, they are ones I struggle with as they are not in my nature. I find myself feeling so incredibly envious of my pregnant friends, of the ones with little babies, of women I see walking the street with their prams, or babies in their arms, I feel jealous of the friends who get to announce their pregnancies with all that happiness.. I said to my psychologist today I am so incredibly happy for them but then I feel this too and its so hard, “It’s because those feelings are not normally in your nature” she replied “But they are perfectly normal in a situation such as yours it’s not like you are jealous of that they have a fancy car or more money they have worked harder for and you haven’t it’s entirely different and ok for you to feel how you do” “But I hate feeling that way” I said to her “I absolutely hate it” the things is Henry I can feel happy for them and sad for us, for what we’ve lost, for what we are missing out on and I just have to let those feelings co-exist. But I hate myself for it Henry even if it’s natural to feel that way, I have never been one to be an envious or jealous person at all.

I am just existing, here I am existing, trying to do my best, trying to maintain contact with others the best I can, trying to work, grieve, tend to the house and do ‘normal’ things when really our lives are far from normal. We use so much energy Henry extra energy getting ourselves up and out of bed and doing these things that I just feel tired all of the damn time, I feel bad when I can’t message someone back straight away, when I don’t have it in me, as I want to still be that friend… you know the one that is there for others that they can rely on. I feel like I’m failing at everything at the moment as I am not living up to my own expectations of who I think I should be. That includes being your Mum, I feel like if I don’t get myself together and do something great for you that I am failing you too.

I have had people say “I bet you can’t wait until this year is over” but it makes no difference Henry, I wish the magical strike of midnight on that clock on New Years Eve would mean that it would all somehow be better but it wont, whats happened follows us in to next year too, there wont be a day we wont miss you and next year takes us to all sorts of places such as your first birthday… Thats a day I am not sure I can do or get through.