Feeling like the ocean could swallow me whole.

‘The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one you will learn to live with it. you will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you want to’

Morning our Henry :), yesterday! yesterday once we got ourselves going we went for a walk, it was nice to walk in nature, taking in all the beauty around us, the sounds, the sights, the sunshine, we would stop, look take in the beauty of a newly opened flower, tread carefully near the small lizard basking in the sunshine and just be.

We got to a big cliff face as we stood staring over the ocean, I watched, I watched the power of the ocean as it swept up along rock faces as the force of it drew water swishing and swirling it in to one area then it dragged back out to sea again… In that moment as I saw the depth of the water and took it in, I felt as though the ocean may come up and swallow my heavy body whole. I wondered if your dad felt the same.

I held your dad a little tighter “Don’t ever leave me” I said feeling overwhelmed, sometimes it was hard to read him and I didn’t know how he was feeling… “Why would you say that?” he asked “I am disappointed you would think that and I am not leaving” was his response… I guess I get some anxiety now thinking if you had to leave Henry, how do I know everyone else won’t.

We kept climbing, exploring, watching, we even got some beautiful photos to share, we crawled through a very narrow tunnel called Gosangs tunnel, to see the spectacular view on the other side. We laughed, we watched from above the tunnel three fisherman scream ‘yahoo’ as they got a big catch for the day.

As we moved on we next walked to a shipwreck from 1923, as I looked at the large and smaller pieces of the shipwreck scattered everywhere in all different places I said to your dad “that ship wreck represents me all broken with my pieces scattered everywhere”, “that’s a good analogy” he replied then adding “I am like that my pieces scattered but they are being built back together” I can’t tell you how much I love your dad Henry, he is absolutely amazing.

Yesterday afternoon, the weather turned we headed back to the house where we were staying, I made a coffee then the sadness hit once again… hitting hard I cried and I looked at your dad hugging him, “How do you have it all so together?” I asked him “You are so good and I feel like I am just a mess”, “It’s because I am just thinking of kit kat’s” was his reply, I smiled…. “there’s just a little picture in my mind of a kit kat constantly there, then when someone asks me something it turns over before I can take it in to respond, how are you today…. the kit kat picture then turns over svvvvvvop (that’s the noise he made) then I respond, oh good thank you” I laughed “Thank you” I replied “always” he said to me hugging me, one thing your dad has always said to me from day one was that his aim was to make me laugh everyday and you know what he always has, no matter what is heppning…… I so wanted to share our laughter with you I even posted some of our maternity shots on Instagram talking about how I was looking forward to that while pregnant with you.

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Yesterday afternoon we played connect four, we must have played 20 games, both of us not realising little things and making silly mistakes and laughing at one another. It was nice to sit and to be and to laugh.

Yesterday afternoon Henry as the weather changed outdoors more, the wind the cold all blew in we sat in a house further south with not much to do, not much at all and knowing the weather wouldn’t be good again today we sat wondering what are we doing here, if we are just going to sit inside due to the weather we can do that at home, with your older fur sisters Missy and Snikkers and where we are warm and comfy. So we packed up our things and we drove home, home to the puppies, home to be with you.

I haven’t mentioned much about your fur sisters to you, Missy is a real old person at 14 years (90 something in human years) she sooks and whines a lot at 14, she likes things her way, I only said to your dad the other day I wonder who would’ve cried more you or Missy…. We both answered missy. Snikkers is almost 11 but still energetic, she is our happiness dog and while I think she would’ve been weary of you at first, I know she would’ve become your most fierce protector and best friend. I was so looking forward to introducing them to you. Missy stayed so close to me the days before your birth and they both enjoyed exploring your room.

Last night, last night my beautiful boy, I broke down, I hugged your dad and I broke down, I then got in the hot shower and as the water ran over me I cried, I cried so hard the stream of the water hiding those tears that fell, they fell fast, they fell hard and I wished that you would come back to me, I wished I could be caring for you, I wished to hug you, I wished but they are wishes that can never come true. I then after drying and getting on my Pj’s joined your dad on the lounge and hugged your cushion. I hugged it so tight and began to think of all the things I was going to do, how I would keep going and the effort I would put in to ensuring others in this situation are somehow supported.

Last night I slept.

This morning, this morning I woke and I cried, your dad in the shower already he got out  and said “good morning beautiful” as he says to me everyday, even when the last thing I feel like at the moment with swollen eyes, and a mess is beautiful, but your dad he says it anyway, he would be the best role model for you, I know if you could be here with us growing and watching him and all he does and how well he treats me you would’ve grown in to such a respectful, fine young man…. gosh it hurts so much typing those words, and thinking about all you could have been.

This morning as the cold snap has hit, I will myself to get out of this warm bed to shower,  the one thing that makes me want to is so we can go get soil to add to the yard to prepare the area where we will plant your garden Henry.

This morning I have emailed bears of hope, wondering if they can support setting up a group in the area for bereaved parents, I offered to volunteer my time, we will await their response, I have also recorded other ideas down, I won’t share them just yet, but ideas on how to support other families in this situation and fundraising ideas to help further support the local hospital, I know with some help from some very special people these will all begin to come to life, all in honour of you my little man.

Your dad got out this morning, out in the ocean to take photographs, I am so very glad he did as he loves it, I felt a little anxious when he left to do so, I tend to worry about him at the moment… But I spoke to you and I know you our dear Henry would’ve been there right beside him and looking out for him.

I want to leave todays blog with an article a friend tagged me in this morning, hopefully it may assist someone who reads, maybe the words will resonate with them, maybe it will help others understand. As mothers day draws upon us it can be mixed with many emotions for those of us who have loved but lost… facing mothers day as a bereaved mother. 

Thinking of you our beautiful boy. x

Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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