Wednesday Henry, your surrogate aunty came to visit, she was sad as she had to let her beautiful fur baby go, I hope you are there playing with Josie. The two of us we cried, we talked, we laughed and cried put that on repeat.. both of us heavy, both taking small steps.
We went to visit you at the beach, the clouds overhead the cold wind blew. As we walked on to the beach an eagle appeared it’s wings spread soaring, I just stopped and watched as it lowered down coming quite close and then back up again and hovered above, as it moved to the side another eagle a bigger one hovered over us. There’s been an eagle every time I have visited you there.
Wednesday Henry you dad said goodbye, he said goodbye to a friend, a boss, a colleague, a part of his family. I can only imagine the sorrow he felt and feels, the heartache of losing this man and of having lost you all in a matter of weeks, I know my loss of you is too much to cope with, how do you keep adding loss on top.
When your dad came home we sat on the lounge together, not many words were said he told me how this man used to give his daughter a rose every valentines day and how she left one for him, “It’s what every dad should do for his daughter” your Dad said tears pouring out his eyes and down his face. Your Dad Henry he is such a good role model for you. Something I always looked forward to as you would have grown was you being able to see your Dad, his kindness, his love, the way he’s not afraid to do the housework, to tell me to sit down even when we had both been at work all day, to surprise me greeting me at my car door every time I came home to get my bags, such a gentleman and I know he would’ve taught you to be the same.
As we sat on the lounge it got very late, but knowing how many storm clouds were brewing inside, I stayed on the lounge and tried to sleep there with the TV on in the background with that distraction it worked for a little while and I got some rest, however the moment I left the lounge to crawl in to bed. The storm starts once again.
Yesterday morning your dad and I struggled at first to get up, but we did it! We got up and went to pilates again, it felt good to stretch and breathe and work the body, It’s a good focus.. I was doing ok until the very end… with this grief you can’t pick your triggers any moment the smallest something can make you feel like it has hit you full force in to your stomach winding you, leaving you so out of breath you can’t catch it again. It’s so full on and as we lay at the end doing one inner thigh stretch it brought me back to your birth, back to the moment I had to push, knowing that when you came out you weren’t going to cry for us… tears pierced my eyes as I fought so hard not to let them out, for them not to start rolling down my cheeks. You can’t pick when it hits.
Yesterday Henry after getting home from getting some things from the shop your dad and I struggled, we tried, tried so hard to pull back to win this tug of war that we participate in every day, but the other side was stronger and we were being pulled in the opposite direction. We lay on the lounge under a blanket and tried to forget about the world, it still runs even though we don’t have you.
Yesterday evening Henry a beautiful friend, she gave her time, she wanted to give her time to try to help me relax, forget the world for a while, to forget my heaviness. She gave me a relaxing facial. I when arriving was so close to tears, I choked on my words as we spoke and tried not to let them fall, as I lay there for the facial I almost fell asleep, my mind would quiet for a second but then the thunder would start again, my body, my mind, me I am tired Henry and I wish that tiredness was because you were here crying at night and not because you are not.
It’s so hard this battle, its like fighting a war but one that you’ll never win. You may get close, over time the battle may not be as hard or you may find yourself with more ammunition but you’ll never win, the other side have an endless supply of ammunition and it will always hit.
Last night Henry, as I sat on the lounge next to your Dad I wondered how, how do I let go of this anger, as varying thoughts filled my mind and silent tears streamed down my face.. as I reached out to your dad for comfort we talked about things, we talked as I cried and know we both feel it, we will however work at changing lives for you Henry, changing lives for others so it doesn’t happen to them.
Last night Henry a beautiful lady who knows this heartache, she messaged me back after me telling her my thoughts, she reminded me it’s early days, she reminded me to ‘keep waking up every morning, write to Henry, fight for Henry, keep taking one moment at a time’. I will try Henry, I will try……..
This morning Henry that familiar lump in my throat, those familiar feelings, that familiar ache and heaviness in me, the ache in the pit of my stomach, the ache of missing you as each day passes it’s a day longer since I got to hold you in my arms and another day that I don’t get too. You are so amazing, oh my goodness how amazing you are and loved, you just have to look at your Dad and I the happiness in these photos we got taken with you still in my belly, we were so excited for you Henry, I only hope you know how loved you are.
Love that comes out as tears each morning, because if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be as incredibly sad as I am, love that at times comes out as anger, anger as you are so worth it to fight for, love that at times comes out as a smile like when I was lying on your dad’s belly and it was gurgling a lot and we then spoke of how much you must have heard when you were in mine. Love that comes with pain, however I would never want to not feel it as you were here and you were ours. Love that will forever remain.
Letters to Henry 