Yesterday, yesterday Henry I did ok, I had coffee with a beautiful friend she listened, she listened as I talked about you, as I talked about my thoughts, she really listened and I appreciated it so much, we cried, we laughed, she told me how she thought of you, she told me how she loved reading my letters to you, how she laughed at the stories I shared about your dad and I. It was nice it was good to be out.
Yesterday after that we went to counselling, the counsellor she was nice, she listened she asked questions, we both talked to her, she explained to your dad and I that we are doing all of the right things, we are allowing ourselves time to grieve, time to be, but no amount of time seems enough, it’s so hard to get by without you here. You should be here in my arms. She talked about how our lives have changed forever, that we won’t be able to go back to exactly the way we were before because well lets face it losing a child changes you, it changes your perspective on life, it shakes up your entire being, you are left lost, broken and putting yourself back together piece by piece.
Today Henry we sat in bed this morning, we laid there before convincing ourselves to get up, going for coffee and some breakfast, we have been so unmotivated to eat right and cook so I thought at least if we had breakfast out it will make sure we have something good. Today we had lunch with friends, those who understand this pain…. They gave us an unexpected gift from your Dads work family, so much kindness from people who want to help us kindness means so very much Thank you.
Today Henry I thought I was doing ok, thought I was getting through the day… small moments where tears stung my eyes but soon went away. Then like a hot iron to my skin, that instant scolding pain. Bam there it is the sadness hits, I crumble. So many tears, so many sobs as I say “I just want you here” I lay on the bed hugging the cushion from your room, I lay still, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop the aching, I can’t stop…. so I don’t.
I remember Henry when we told your Nanny and Poppy about you, we told them earlier than we thought we may as I was so sick.. We had them over for dinner… We gave your Nanny some wool with a note as we know she loves knitting…. I don’t remember exactly now what I wrote on the note but it was something along the lines of ‘I’ll need you to knit me something to keep me warm as it may be cold when I arrive, see you in May Nanny’. I still remember the look on her face as she looked back at me she touched her belly I nodded and she hugged me. Your Poppy well we gave him a beer, a beer with a special label I had got made “Maggs home brew” release date 2018, and had some small writing that said by drinking this beer you acknowledge you’ll be available for babysitting duties poppy. Well your poppy was so excited to see “Maggs’ label on the beer he forgot to read the fine print… “Look at this” he said to your nanny “our name on a beer” he was smiling he was stoked enough about that… We laughed “Did you read the rest?” I asked “I can’t I don’t have my glasses” he said we all laughed, so I had to read it out to him and he hugged us. They were so excited about you too.
Monday Henry your Dad and I we are off to Tasmania, off for two weeks, for a change of scenery, something new. Part of me is looking forward to it, part of me knows no matter where we go, what we do this stays, this stays with us. I am hoping while we are there that we can get out walking in nature, be out exploring new things, I plan to take your little blue bear with us, take it all the places we wanted to take you. Saying that hurts, it hurts my heart so much… but I take it with all the love I have for you and you’ll be by our side every step of the way.
As we prepare for Tasmania, I tried on all my jeans this morning, not one pair fits… my legs still a little bit wider and my belly it is still soft and pudgy a reminder of you living in there, I still wish I could have you back there, I want to turn back the clock, take us back in time, change what happened demand they take you out sooner as that heartbeat was still there the day before. I so badly want to change it all to have you here.
Part of me wants to know when I will ache less, when I might be able to sleep again, when I will be able to spend a whole day smiling without tears.. but I know there’s no answers to that, I know it’s just day by day and that we have to take each day as it comes. As we learn to find ourselves in this new life instead of the life we thought we would be living. As we navigate this world as a mum and dad but without our little boy with us. We love you baby boy.