Today Henry, today I woke up feeling a bit under the weather, I think this cold/flu your Dad has had may be catching up with me, it was hard to wake up this morning. I had dreamt, dreamt most of the night and not all good dreams, it felt like I had not slept at all even though I had. I dreamt I was cursed, I walked outside of where we were and I had to lay in a hospital bed, a road which looped around with old historic buildings surrounding the road and a large area of grass in the middle. There were dark grey clouds all around, trees without leaves, as I lay in the hospital bed it began to move fast and quickly this way, that way, all over the place and I couldn’t control it… it was a part of my curse. then the next thing your Dad and I were sitting in the Dr surgery one of the GP’s I saw when I was pregnant was there… “Why didn’t you do this, why didn’t you do that” she began listing off things, “The baby was to big, you should have known” she said to me “this is your fault” I woke from that dream as I did your Dad woke too, I told him about my dream and it brought tears to my eyes, “she kept blaming me” I said to your dad. “It’s just a dream” he said hugging me, then told me about his dream which involved too many cupcakes… I wish I dreamt of cupcakes like your Dad.
Today we got up and decided to drive to Devonport to look around, we got coffee and your Dad a green juice and headed off, stopping at a raspberry farm and chocolate factory on the way. Once we got to Devonport it was freeeeeezzing, the first really cold day we have had so far. We walked along the water, then we found nothing was open being a public holiday, no cafe’s etc all closed….. We decided we might drive back to the cafe at the raspberry farm for lunch and get out of the cold.
On our way out of Devonport passing a large industrial area a sign right in front of us, a large sign in black and white Henry St! There it was again popping up unexpectedly… Your name.
We continued our drive to the raspberry farm I was feeling more and more ordinary just thinking maybe I needed something to eat, we finally got there and they had one table left outside, we sat outdoors rugged up in our big jackets and looked at the menu, we ordered and we waited, and waited, and waited, and the people on the table in front of us got their meals, and we waited and the people on the table behind us got their meals, and we waited and the family of 7 got their meals and we waited…….
As we waited your dad was folding the leaves on the table that had fallen from the tree above, he placed all the leaves one inside the other and we waited some more…. The waiter then checked and came over and apologised saying our order had not gone through, by this time an hour 10 had passed.. he was going to put a rush on our order…. we waited another half an hour before finally getting our meal… I said to your dad we should just leave and head back to the warm accommodation to eat. We finally got our food, a waitress apologised saying she had taken our drinks off the bill, we ate and went to leave as we were leaving they hadn’t taken the drinks off yet and we had to ask them to do this…. neither of us could be bothered being annoyed, both of us today are feeling it we are both missing you. As your Dad said to me “We just need to write today off as one of those days and try again tomorrow”
As your Dad drove back “Broom broom ting ting woof woof” Your dad said in the car making me laugh, he then kept going adding to the end “sorry your lunch is late” that sums up Tasmania he said, he spoke of you, he asked me when we have the twins what will we call them while we wait? “I don’t know” I replied “well we can’t use little Timmy as that is Henry” your Dad said to me….. and it is you, what we called you for the time we were waiting. ‘little Timmy’ so that will always be the nickname that belongs to you.. Our ‘little Timmy, our Henry’
My feelings Henry, sometimes my feelings scare me, so much so I have been unable to express all of them here as I am scared that others won’t understand… how can they? I don’t know? I have so many mixed feelings, I can not begin to describe a day in my mind. It’s not the feelings of sadness, anger, or longing that scare me, It is not the thoughts of wishing not to wake up some days that scare me either…. but it is the feeling that sits so strongly within me of already wanting a sibling for you, of wanting to hold them in my arms, but wanting you here too. Like a forceful hurricane it stirs inside me, so much pressure it builds bigger and stronger…. I wonder to myself should I be feeling this? is this right? but what is right in this situation? I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to feel… I get scared others would be thinking why would she say that ‘its too soon’, ‘she wants to replace him’ but it’s never about that, you my beautiful boy can never be replaced.. I imagine if you were here with us I would want a sibling for you anyway. It scares me that I feel this way, then it scares me that if we did try that it could all be taken away, just like you.
When I was pregnant with you, early days I remember how scared your Dad and I were, scared of what was to come, scared of whether we would be able to do this parenting gig, scared of how our lives might change as everyone is so quick to tell you about that part “oh your lives will change” “You won’t be able to do what you used too” I wish I hadn’t lived in so much fear then and enjoyed that excited feeling I had more towards the end at the beginning. As I remember the bigger my belly grew, the more we talked to you, that fear disappeared and all we had was so much love, love and thoughts and plans for our future with you.
Your Dad asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday next month, I can not even think, any occasions are hard as I had already imagined you in them, I had already said to your Dad a month before you arrived I wanted to take you away for my birthday, just the three of us…. I wanted to stay in the blue mountains in a little cottage we had stayed before with a fireplace. I had already emailed them to check if they would allow us to bring you our baby along. In my mind I had imagined that weekend and smiled when I thought about taking you new places… Being rugged up in jackets and beanies and exploring, taking you on our first little family getaway. Now my birthday makes me want to hide away, then my mind drifts to ‘fathers day’ and your ‘Dad’s birthday’ both in September and I wonder how we navigate those days too… what do we do? I start to cry, I start to cry for all we have lost.
I thought ahead today, I thought ahead of when we return home and became anxious, I have never experienced the anxiety that I do now, so much anxiety, sometimes it can be about going to a local store, sometimes it can be about leaving the house, this time it is about returning home and what feelings may come with that. I reminded myself I did not need to worry about that yet. The anxious feelings build, they make me feel like I am lost in a maze that there is no way out of. It feels like only yesterday you were born, yet at the same time feels like it is slipping too far away from that day. It’s hard to make future plans when you are feeling so lost, so broken, it’s hard to feel like you have no control.
Your Dad asked today what I wanted “A time machine” I replied, “Ok one that goes back and forwards?” he asked “No just back” I replied “back thirty-three years?” he asked as that is his age. “No not that far” I said adding “Despite this happening I am glad it’s with you” I said to your Dad and we looked at one another in the eyes, He kissed me on the forehead and replied “Me too”. I have so much love for your Dad Henry.
Tonight Henry, we are having dinner in again and a hot spa bath, try to keep warm and rest, hopefully tomorrow morning I will be feeling a little better, and your Dad too.
Tomorrow we venture off from Launceston to the east coast, to explore the beaches, walks and beautiful scenery. I am hoping to see some penguins and your Dad keeps saying how excited he is to taste some amazing seafood. We have hired a little house right by the water, simple but with a fireplace, it will be nice to take in the views. We loved you yesterday, we love you today and we will love you tomorrow xx.
Letters to Henry 