Storms outside and in…..

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday morning I woke up, got myself up and ready and off to a psychologist appointment, this lady I had not seen before so it was new for the both of us, she was kind, she seemed lovely…. I am not sure if we gel yet though…. I am not sure if she is the right fit with me. I go again next week so hopefully I will be able to figure it out so if not I can go see someone else.

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After this Henry I went to see a beautiful friend, she has a little boy about 8 months old.. I wasn’t sure how I would feel, how this would go seeing her beautiful boy as she was heavily pregnant when was about 8 weeks pregnant with you… I remember us having pizza together Henry, herself another beautiful friend and I we had pizza together for our friends birthday we sat and I declined champagne as I was pregnant, I declined it as I had such bad morning sickness…. and that night I told her… I told her about you, as at that stage I was still scared, still so unsure, still getting used to the fact I was so unwell.

So I went to see her, as soon as I walked in her little man was crawling around I picked him up, a smile straight away and then as I held him, talked to him I got lots of giggles, so many giggles, baby giggles are the sweetest sound, it was ok Henry I was ok, but it was bittersweet I will never hear your giggle, something I had thought so much about while pregnant with you, about sharing with you the laughter your Dad and I always shared… that laughter Henry is much less these days, we still have our moments, we do still laugh but not like did before, I wonder will we ever be able to laugh as much as we used to?

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I stayed to have cups of tea, cake and for a chat… We talked about you, about your birth, about things which shouldn’t have occurred and things which didn’t occur but should have. She told me about her birth with her little boy, It made us both sad… both not great experiences and she was lucky to have her little boy here… It made me determined Henry, determined to see some things I have been doing through.

After I left her place, I got in the car as I was driving along one of your songs came on, as it did I just let the tears fall, the tears for you, tears of love, tears of that bittersweet feeling of seeing my friends beautiful boy, tears for plans we had made to catch up when you were here, of walks we might do with the both of you… walks you’ll never be here for.

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday I got my period. I messaged your Dad he was at work, we were both disappointed, we had both been hoping, wishing for a different outcome… but that wasn’t what we got… ‘right that’s the last one for a while’ your Dad typed in a message ‘its not fair 😦 ‘ I typed ‘like I said last one we can do this it just wasn’t meant to happen when we need to keep getting ourselves healthy’…. ‘or my body is just shit’ I replied. ‘Not at all babe we have done this and can again love you’ … ‘love you’ I replied.

I messaged a friend and told her I got my period too, ‘fucked up’ was her reply followed by a ‘you ok?’ I told her I didn’t know, I typed ‘I guess I need to learn to deal with it’‘its just so fucked’ she said followed by ‘nervous the song just came on… ‘ ‘Those are the only words which accurately describe my life right now … nervous???’ I replied not sure what song she was talking about ‘by Gavin James’ she replied I you tubed the song Henry to know which one she was talking about still unsure why she had mentioned it ‘ahh I have heard that one on the radio a couple of times’ I said to her ‘That’s the one from Henry’s service??’ she typed ‘no’ ‘lol’ I replied ‘what song was on while you scattered the ashes’ .. ‘not about angels by Birdy’ I replied …. I then followed it with ‘I love that you heard your own song I was a little confused the other day when you said you kept hearing henry’s song on the radio’ I was laughing so much by this stage Henry ‘Totally have been going why did they choose this song’ she replied I laughed some more Henry as the song she thought it was would not have made any sense….. She had even been telling her family to shoosh every time it came on the radio… I kept laughing Henry I needed that laugh.

Tuesday afternoon Henry I sat for a while, I sat tired, deflated, just sat… until I finally got myself up, washed up, did a poo patrol of the yard and made the bed, once I had done that your Dad got home.

Wednesday Henry I woke up, I had an appointment to get too, I went along to my appointment, a beautiful friend had driven from Sydney to meet me after my appointment, we sat and had brunch and a coffee together… We talked about lots of things, and of course you… I told her about how I was worried what if we couldn’t have a sibling for you, what if it didn’t happen, I told her how in my lowest moments I had given myself a date, that if it hadn’t happened by that date I really didn’t want to be around anymore. I do want to be here Henry as much as I want to be with you… Life just hurts a lot and that can be hard, so hard to work through. We went for a walk after brunch.. I later got a text from my friend who said ‘I had a stern talk to the universe on my way home about babies and stuff’….. Henry I may not feel like the universe is on my side at the moment but I know my friends certainly are.

I then had some errands to run shopping to do and stopped by another friends place to drop some things off to her while there she fed me soup, then made me a coffee, our friends Henry they certainly look after us.. we had a really nice chat about their upcoming holiday, house stuff, trying for babies, music and so many things of course you too, you always come up, you do as you are so important to me, as we are grieving and need to talk it through. I then played hide and seek with her two beautiful children for a little while, laughing as they yelled out talking to me as I was trying to find them which gave me a pretty good indication of where they were but pretending I didn’t know anyway.. Laughing with them as I found them and lots of cuddles from them.

I got home not long before your Dad arrived home from work Henry, he hugged me so tight. We started to cook dinner together, as we did so we talked to one another about each others day, I told him about my conversation with my friend, about the date and how we had talked joked and she let me talk about it, Your Dad joked with me “well I better just start a tinder account now then” I laughed… as I moved to get some of the gluten free flours for the tortillas I was making “No no” he said to me “You can’t have that you’re not going to be here I am only cooking for the puppies and I” he then turned to your fur sisters and said “we need to be on the beach for a new mother kids” I laughed “Thats it I am sticking around just to annoy you now” I said to him and stuck my tongue out… This conversation to a lot would seem strange Henry, but talking to others many bereaved parents I know, not all but a lot of them I have connected with have had similar conversations.

Your Dad and I ate dinner, then snuggled on the lounge, we snuggled until the state of origin came on where your Dad becomes very vocal and moves, stands up and yells at the TV. Snikkers got scared of his yelling and took herself to bed, me I messaged a friend back and forth and missy managed to settle and sleep.

Today Henry, I got up at 5:45am as a friend asked me to go with her to check out a training session, I had barely slept throughout the night with lots of images from your labour and birth replaying in my mind… but I got myself up anyway, I got myself up just in time jumped in the shower and drove to her place, we drove from there to the training session… It was tough, really tough a long session, a big one with a different style of training than I am used to… But I kept going, I pushed, she pushed and we got through it, laughing on the way out afterwards about our already wobbly legs which I know will be incredibly sore tomorrow… I felt good for exercising. We stopped and had breakfast together, as we sat and had breakfast my friend talked to me, she asked me about your birth, about the events, about what had happened as I explained it all to her… she got angry, she felt sad, she said it wasn’t good enough.

We went to your beach afterwards we walked on to the sand so she could check the surf, it wasn’t very consistent, she left to go in chase of the surf, I left to head home… as I did, as I drove down the road tears started just falling uncontrollably, they just came out of no where and kept coming, I had to pull over for a moment I couldn’t see, I pulled over and sobbed in to my hands… you should be here I thought to myself so much could have been done so differently and you would be here I thought to myself… It is so hard Henry, so hard to process it all, I only hope in the coming weeks as we tick certain things off our list that it helps us to process it all…

I got home and curled up under a blanket on the lounge,  I lay down crying still… Snikkers cried at me too and put her paw to me like she knew, she continued to try to then settled near me.. I switched on the TV I remembered something a friend had suggested I watch, ‘interview’ with Andrew Denton when he interviewed Rosie Batty, such an amazing incredible woman Henry, her 11 year old sons life was taken by his father, she is so amazingly strong, such strength and while I can never in a moment imagine her pain and suffering as it is different circumstances she said one thing I believe applies to anyone who has experienced child loss “You never get over it and I feel this ‘oh my gosh how can I feel like this for the rest of my life’. This is too much. If I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life I don’t know if I want to keep going and I can see why people don’t”….  That Henry, those words sum it up perfectly, I think she is a brave woman to say it, to get it out there as it lets people like me know my grief, my feelings are completely normal and with her saying it, it lets me know its ok for me to talk about it too.

I also found this blog post on an instagram page I follow, this one section reminds me I am doing ok, the best I can…. grief has no timeline, complicated grief or unexpected grief as it sometimes called with an out of order or unatural death… from those I have connected with it can last a long time, it doesn’t mean we wont smile, we wont keep moving, but I think we need to realise each day is different.

After that Henry a friend messaged, message from the right friend at the right time, she called, we chatted and talked about how each other was going, we even chatted about ‘joyous cheese’ as she had bought light babybel cheese instead of normal babybel cheese “it tastes like they take all the joy out” she said “I think they take the fat yep that’s what they take out” she said “what the joy?” I asked stirring with us both laughing… “maybe thats what I need” I said “joyous cheese will that help?” while I wish joyous cheese would help Henry it’s certainly not the answer :/

We talked for 3 hours before we knew what time it was, but it was what I needed, it was what I needed today to get me through the day, today.

I have done ok this week Henry with your Dad returning to work, I have managed, I am proud of us both as it’s a step up the ladder this week. I am so incredibly proud of your Dad returning to work, he is amazing, he has done so well and well I have done ok too without him.. I miss him I miss him incredibly while he is at work, but I know you’ll look after him.

This week, this week your cheeky fur sister Snikkers must be thinking of you, or you are getting her to let us know you are around, she managed to get your little blue bear down the other day while we were out and I found it near her bed outside, another day she got in to your room and bought some of your clothes out :O She did have a look on her face when I asked her what the bear was doing outside.

 

As I sit and type this afternoon Henry, there’s a big storm outside, Thunder, Lightning, Hail, as I sit and type Henry a storm brews in my mind… It arrives as quickly as the storm outside… I sit on the bed typing and comforting your fur sisters as Missy is scared of storms, I sit and I wonder, I wonder about how you would have been with your first storm, would I have been on the bed trying to comfort Missy and you, or would you have lay here with us, not bothered by the sounds, not bothered by the lightning flashes and calm. I can’t stop crying because I just want you here, i want to be experiencing that with you, I want to experience everything with you, storms, sunshine, the good, the bad days, even the days where I may have felt like I was so tired and so frustrated from lack of sleep…. I know I wouldn’t have been the perfect parent Henry, who is? but I wish I got the opportunity to know….. it hurts the not knowing, the missed opportunities the having you taken away before most of our adventures even began.

Grief Henry, its tough, its riding the bike and crashing it, it’s getting back up after the crash, its surviving storm clouds that enter your mind over and over, its being ok one day and not the next, its working out what you think might help and deciding what won’t, its being thankful for friends who check in and just accept you how you are, ones who are willing to be ok with your answers, its having conversations you never would have imagined you would have before, its getting up and doing things and doing what you need to, its allowing yourself acceptance and kindness when you can’t… It’s love Henry all that love we have for you, so much love, a love like no other and its fighting because of that love when we need to even when we don’t have the strength.

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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