Lists and things…..

Two hearts no longer beating together.
Just one heart beating for two.

Thursday Henry… Distraction day.. My birthday… well distraction day didn’t go as planned, the big distraction your Dad had organised got cancelled… I woke up Thursday morning in tears waking to think of you, to knowing you are not here my birthday and you were not here to celebrate with, its one of the many many firsts ahead of us, some of them have already passed. Our first one was mothers day…… its like having a list, a list that you cross off to say you survived you made it through that first, we still have many more the list would look a little something like this:

  • Mothers Day 
  • one month old
  • two months old 
  • my birthday and 3 months old (all in one day) 
  • four months old
  • The date last year we found out we were pregnant with you
  • Fathers Day (September)
  • Five months old (September)
  • Your Dads birthday (September)
  • six months old 
  • The date we announced we were pregnant with you 12 months ago 
  • seven months old 
  • eight months old 
  • Christmas 
  • New Years 
  • nine months old 
  • ten months old 
  • eleven months old 
  • easter 
  • Anzac Day (last Anzac day I was in hospital in labour and you still had a heartbeat)
  • Your first birthday

All of these firsts without you, all of these days that will have memories of you attached to them, that will remind us of our excitement of expecting you, of the plans we had and days to remind us that you are not here… I have come to realise soon, soon I will need to turn off my Facebook memories as soon there’ll be photos that pop up to remind us, we were so excited that I used to share photos of my pregnant belly every so often and talk about meeting you.

Thursday morning Henry, I opened a parcel that had arraived in the mail… some gifts from a special friend… gifts each with a meaning and post it note attached…

  1. pyjamas for those days (the ones where I dont want to do the day) 
  2. Lotto ticket – for all the things money can buy 
  3. Party poppers – for That day
  4. face masks – because you never get ten hours (we had been talking once about ten hours sleep… something my naturopath talked about, and how I never sleep and feel old now)
  5. A sleep mask – to help with those ten hours 
  6. A dream catcher – at least its not macrame (I will leave that joke with us)

The gifts made me smile as I looked at each one and its meaning. I sent her a message to say thank you.

Thursday Henry we made our way to Wollongong to prepare to sky dive we got there early so spent some time walking on the beach, when we finally went to check in at 10, well they told us due to wind conditions it was being postponed until 12, so your Dad and I walked, we walked to get some breakfast… We chose a spot we thought would be good.. unfortunately it wasn’t good, the food Henry was average so I didn’t finish all my breakfast 😦 “It’s just me” I said to your Dad “sums up my day and life” after breakfast we went for a long walk, as we walked there were prams, prams everywhere I watched as mums and dads pushed prams, walking along, as women met up together and went for walks with their babies *sigh* I know I can’t avoid it but it just felt like there were so many there. We watched as older children rode their bikes, your Dad and I laughed as two little girls rode after their younger sister who had raced ahead “Ivy” they yelled out “Ivy” at the top of their lungs Ivy and her blue helmet disappeared in amongst the crowd ahead and before you knew it Ivy was out of sight… “I like Ivy” I said to your dad “she is running her own race, I think she has spunk” we later caught up to her sisters and her mum and friend who were then walking Ivy’s bike… she was nowhere to be seen again though.. your dad and I laughed.

As we made our way back to the skydive building, and waited some more, we sat as we watched three girls who were tourists ask a man nearby to take a photo of them, they attempted to all jump in the air for the photo, however one was always jumping off the ground as the other two their feet landed back on the ground again, it was a little amusing and your Dad and I laughed… Your Dad had named one girl NASA as she felt her jacket looked almost like a space suit with an American flag on the side of one sleeve.

As we sat and waited some more, a woman got out of her car nearby, she unpacked a pram from the boot, then as she got her little one out of the car, there it was that cry, that newborn cry… Oh Henry that cry its the one thing that undoes me every time, its like a knife right in to the centre of my heart, that cry it aches right in to the very core of my being… I don’t know why.. I generally cope ok with seeing prams, with even hearing coos and giggles it still stings a little but the cry of a newborn… I think it’s just because we never got to hear that cry, where there should have been that cry when you came out there was silence and we spent that time that night in the hospital hearing newborns around us cry while we lay with you who never got to cry.

Your Dad and I moved to the car as I needed to move away we sat in the car and waited another 15 minutes until we were told the distraction, the skydive was cancelled, we looked at one another “It’s just me” I said to your Dad he looked at me and we smiled a small smile to one another… oh well another day I thought to myself we drove and your Dad took me so he could pick up some supplied he needed to be able to work on your car, after we had been to two places, my tears started in the car, I let them fall, they fell because I couldn’t bring myself to face my birthday without you, they fell because your Dad had tried so hard to plan a distraction and it hadn’t turned out and I felt bad for him it was that way and I was like this, they fell and fell…

As we continued to drive home we stopped at Woolworths in Kiama, we were going to get something for dinner, “Are you sure you don’t want to go out?” your Dad said… “where?” I said to him “somewhere in Berry” he said I was going to say No Henry, I was going to just say lets stay home but I then decided that maybe it would be good to go out, I know your Dad would love to take me, that it would make him happy to have done something for me… So I agreed and we got some things we needed and made our way home.

When we got home there was a gift on the door step and flowers near your dads van… The flowers were from a beautiful friend… the card, the card attached to the flowers well the beautiful kind words in that card made me cry and made me think you would want me to celebrate Henry as much as I did not feel like it.

As your Dad and I got ready for dinner, he was excited he played music, he sang along, he had some beers he was in party mode Henry… I pulled clothes out of the closet trying to find something to wear, I wanted to look nice for your Dad, I really did… I ended up just only just squeezing in to the nice dress I had bought to go out to dinner for my birthday last year. Last year Henry we were in Melbourne for my birthday weekend and we treated ourselves, we treated ourselves to an absolutely amazing birthday dinner at Dinner by Heston a famous chef… I had bought that dress to wear there. So I put on some make up Henry did my hair…. feeling so much older. Your Nanny and Poppy drove your Dad and I to dinner.

We had some beautiful food, we had some laughs, Your Dad pretended to be posh, he had some more beers, he enjoyed his food, but he was tired at the end of his main course he almost fell asleep then went to get some broccoli knocked his fancy empty craft beer can making a loud noise “oooooooooooooooh” he said loudly as he did… He always makes life interesting Henry your Dad…

We stayed for dessert, I had a really delicious espresso chocolate mousse, then your Nanny picked us up. On the way home I got to watch two videos sent by your cousins in Ireland… Isabella sang me happy birthday in Irish, Elodie in English, the videos were beautiful and made me smile.

Today Henry, I woke up not wanting to get out of bed, it was cold and it’s almost as though some of the anxiety, the sadness and other feelings I had been holding in the day before presented themselves.. They were right there! Your Dad and I got ourselves up to go buy some grocery items. We came back home and your Dad cooked breakfast, we ate, I did some bills online. Eventually your Dad needed to try to have a sleep before his afternoon shift.

I lay down in bed with your Dad tired but unable to nap, as I lay there I looked out the window at the clouds in the sky, there were two clouds close to one another yet not quite touching, they moved through the sky as the wind blew. Close together but not close enough… I thought about how that’s what it felt like with you, it’s like you are just there but I can’t touch you, you are just out of my reach. As I continued to watch the clouds slowly drifted together ever so slightly touching, as they did so I longed for that to be you and I even if we could just be those clouds for a moment, if I could just reach you, I would give anything for just one more moment with you. The clouds eventually became one and tears fell on my pillow once more…

As I saw this image it resonated with me so much I placed in on my Instagram Henry and the word poured out:

IMG_7529

My empty arms for a baby, for our son, for our Henry who should be here.

My empty arms they ache, they ache for you

My broken heart will never fully be whole again

My mind will always be filled with the what if’s, the whys and my beautiful thoughts of you 

My hopes, my hopes and dreams for you lay shattered, they can never come true 

My body its weary, its weak as this grief washes over it once more 

My tears on to my pillow they fall 

My prayers are always to you, that you’ll be by my side, that you’ll help me get through

My eyes although they are open, a darkness surrounds me 

My hands they long to be able to touch your sweet face 

My words are never enough to explain 

My whispers of I love you, I hope they reach you safe 

My oh my I wonder how I’ll get through another day……… Broken      

KMaggs


Your Dad Henry, he couldn’t nap either I snuggled in to his arms, listening to the sound of his heartbeat.. Eventually I finally drifted in to that state between awake and asleep and ‘beep beep beep’ your Dads alarm went off. I sighed he sis too, he got up and made us one of his juices, it didn’t taste to bad like kale today, I drank my juice while your Dad showered, as soon as he was ready for work I burst in to tears and hugged him “I don’t want you to go today” I said to him “try to rest on the lounge with some Netflix” he said to me,  we hugged he told me I loved me, I told him to be safe as I always do before he goes to work, he left, as he walked out the tears poured out more.. I struggled to know what to do.

I walked in to your room Henry, I decided to put up the world map canvas we had bought, I put this on the wall and looked around, I collected together some of your special things.. I cleared some room in a draw in the lounge room. I placed your special box, some of your photographs and special things in to this draw to keep safe… I then folded your pram which had been left open in your room, I tidied up some of the things we had left sitting in your room, I put under your cot a container full of clothes we had for you, bigger sizes I had kept out of your draws, I sorted through some other clothes, I and placed them away, I tidied your shelves placing a photograph of you on them…. I looked around the room and sat down.

I sat, I sat in the chair, I placed my head in to my hands and tears softly fell, I sat the feeling was so surreal, I wondered was I pregnant? is this here? this all feels like a bad bad dream, it feels like it was all only yesterday, while feeling like it was so long ago. As I sat there in your room, I wondered is that what I should call it your room? it was created for you but then my mind wonders if by doing that am I sending out the wrong message to the universe around siblings for you? if I call all of these things yours… it isn’t theirs….. then I wonder does all that stuff work? does the universe really care? is all that stuff about ‘you bring about what you think about’ true? because I never thought any of this that’s happened with you… I only thought ahead of all the wonderful things we would do with you.. my mind is drowning in questions, thoughts… then I stop as I sit I realise that if you were here, here with us and we were to have a sibling for you… we would pass down all of your things to them anyway… so maybe its ok? I question… the only thing with this is, by handing down your things is that they remain unused.. then the next thought that consumes me is I don’t know that we will ever be blessed with siblings for you.

Your Dad messages me from work ‘I love you’ he says ‘I love you’ I say… ‘perfect arvo for netflix’ he replies to me ‘I put the canvas map up in Henry’s room, I tidied up his room and put some of his things away safely :/ Now I am sitting here with this surreal feelings, some days I wonder if its all a bad dream, it feels so far away from when I was pregnant with Henry, yet feels like yesterday are we supposed to keep it all set up, I never know’ …. ‘Good work babe 🙂 the waves of emotions and feeling xox’ says your Dad … Do you ever feel like this?’ I ask ‘Every morning at 2:40am’ he replies.

I had a bath, I tried to relax at 4pm I decided I would just put my pyjamas on, I sat on the lounge I tried to watch Netflix, I tried other things, but you remained on my mind.

I decided to feed your fur sisters and made myself a dinner of a baked vegetable salad and garlic sautéed steak. I ate… mechanical, survival mode… now I sit, I sit and type this all to you, I sit and type it all to you in-between getting up to close the back sliding door Snikkers keeps opening, I sit back down again and type…. all while missing, while longing, while loving you. My precious baby boy.

Maggs-232.jpg

Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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