Can someone give me directions?

Thursday, Thursday Henry I helped a friend out for a few hours so Thursday seemed to go quickly, I got home afterwards, washed up, cooked dinner, did a poo patrol of the yard and kept myself quite busy… When your Dad got home Thursday we had the nice dinner I had cooked a beef thai red curry and spent time together on the lounge.

Thursday night your Dad had a bath I sat on the lounge just missing you, as usual all the thoughts the thoughts of what would we be doing now, would you be asleep or awake, would I be holding and feeding you or your Dad, would we be tired from no sleep and getting up to you? would we?  would we? a question that constantly circles my brain.

Friday Henry, Friday I felt a little ordinary in the morning, but off for a naturopath appointment and then in to town, I went in to meet with a new friend with a beautiful lady who had lost her little boy a month before we lost you, we talked, we cried, we laughed and did it all again, we showed each other pictures, we could have kept talking of hours… about our boys, about how much they have shown us a love we never knew, about them, because despite feeling sad that they are gone, we never want to not hear their names spoken.

Friday night I went with a beautiful friend to dinner and to see the McClymonts, she had asked me a while ago if I would go and even purchased the tickets. We had some laughs at dinner as we caught up on all which has been happening, it was nice, nice to be out to be doing something. As we lined up to go in for the show, a pregnant woman I saw her belly I happened to look at her feet, she was wearing the same shoes I wore while pregnant with you, I wore these shoes most of the time as my feet were a little bigger while I was pregnant with you, I wondered if she wore those shoes for the same reason… as I saw her belly I felt sad, sad for your Dad and I.

We went in for the show, on the table in front of us, three heavily pregnant women, I just envy them Henry, I envy them so badly, I always always want you back in my belly then I always so desperately want to be pregnant with your siblings.. I can’t help but notice them. I put that aside as I wanted to enjoy my night, and enjoy it I did. There is just something about live music, listening to it right in front of you, the atmosphere that is created as people clap, cheer, sing along and dance.

It wasn’t until the second last song, this song went out and was dedicated to all the parents in the room.. ‘Don’t wish it all away’ as soon as I heard the lyrics And you wake up a little older Your babies lying on your shoulder and just like that everything has changed, You can’t stop time, days will always roll on by and before you know it you realise nothing stays the same. If I could tell my younger self I’d say don’t wish it all away……. Getting muddy in the backyard too, letting me teach you how to play guitar I’ll be there when your heart breaks and watch you take a drive in your first car I often think if you are like me falling out of a gate when you turn 18 You probably think it’s going slowly but don’t move too fast cause things will all work out but I’m worrying about right now’ I was so glad in that moment the lights in the room were down and you couldn’t really see my face…. tears stung my eyes but I wouldn’t allow them to fall as I thought I will never get to be muddy in the backyard with you, teach you to play guitar or even teach you to drive a car… so much, so many plans and I had thought about them all while pregnant with you, all of them, I allowed myself to plan, to imagine, to wonder and now, now I am left here as I type I can’t stop the tears from falling, I can’t stop the pain, the tears stream down my face to fast to even bother trying to wipe them… All of these plans, the moments I had looked forward to, been anticipating and imagined, they can never be.

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For the last song we all stood up, clapping, moving along,  I was thankful and grateful for the night out, for good friends who can spend time with me, take me out even if it’s not always easy. My friend and I stayed on for one more drink and we chatted, and then walked home.

Once home your Dad was still up and awake we went to bed exhausted and wanting to sleep, I looked at him, he looked at me with that knowing look… For some reason Henry this cycle I have been getting positive ovulation tests for days, I normally only get them for one day! We were torn between wanting to try to sleep and not trying hard enough for siblings for you, It isn’t supposed to be this way… we shouldn’t even be thinking about trying yet… we should be enjoying you. Then all the thoughts, all the comments you know come with it ‘just relax’ ‘if you are stressed it won’t happen’ ‘don’t try to hard’ ‘if you try too hard it won’t happen as it is meant to be fun’… I get it, I know but how do we do that now? how in this journey will we ever be relaxed with it? how won’t we be a little stressed?

Yesterday morning Henry I woke up and this cold I have been fighting off got the better of me, we stayed in bed late then got up to do some running around, get some veggies and home to make soup… I made pumpkin, carrot and tumeric soup and then spent the afternoon in bed resting.

Yesterday was your fur sister Snikkers birthday, she is 11 which is starting to get on in dog years, apart from the grey around her nose she remains young, she’s still active, happy and loving… I had always looked so forward to introducing you to them Henry, your dad and I had planned it before you arrived… I was going to come inside first while your Dad waited in the garage with you, so I could say hello, I was then going to call him in with you, and film it he would hold you and gently bend down to let them have a smell of you. I know Snikkers would have been weary of you at first, but I also know she would have soon became your guard and most fierce protector.

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I wish we had a map Henry, can someone please tell me how we navigate this journey? provide me with directions, with details… How do we find peace in what has happened? when you were so wanted for so long and loved… Where is comfort? right or left? I feel as though happiness – true happiness is completely dead and buried. Which direction do I take where this will be lighter? Which path do I follow to get to where it aches less? and where am I hiding? Because I don’t know myself anymore and I am not sure I will ever find myself either… Are all these things found in one place? Or are they scattered so broadly it would never be attainable to find them all.

I feel as though even if it all could be marked out on a map, it would be like looking for buried treasure, It may or may not actually exist… or these things would be located somewhere you can never find, in an alternate space, a different universe and you would have to disappear from where you are now never to be seen again… like the Bermuda triangle… In an alternate universe I like to think there’s another me, the one who gets to look after you Henry, who gets to be your mum, to feed and cuddle you, to watch you grow, I get to hear your cries, your giggles and first words… I long so much to be the person I was and thought I would become, I want to travel to that alternate universe and stay.. even if I had to leave all of our family and friends behind to have you Henry I would… maybe, maybe it all exists up there in those stars, those stars I stand outside and look up to, to say goodnight to you every night… after all there’s four stars officially named after you, if I travelled to space is that where I get to be with you? or is there only one way to be where you are?

I feel as though we are climbing this extremely steep cliff with no safety gear, nothing to catch us if we fall… it is rocky, its hard to grip on and there is days where our grip barely holds and days where we do fall but don’t quite reach the ground we somehow manage to catch on to a ledge before we completely hit the bottom.

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Last night Henry I dreamt of rainbows, rainbows everywhere… every time I turned my head there would be another rainbow big or small. I was trying to photograph them all, but I couldn’t keep up I couldn’t capture them all.

Today Henry I am really not well, I have been banished to the lounge or the bed by your Dad he has put his foot down.. Being unwell and having to rest and not being able to be busy makes this harder Henry, not as many distractions, harder to keep my mind from wandering to you, I wonder how would I have handled being unwell with you here, but I know I know your Dad would have stepped up to care for both of us, he would have done it Henry as it is just the man he is, the wonderful, caring man your Dad is and remains to be. How I long to see you with him. I feel so often Henry like a failure, like I failed you, your Dad, our family…. Your Dad would have been so wonderful with you and that’s just another thing that hurts, it hurts that I don’t get to see him with you, that he doesn’t get that, it hurts that he is in pain too… How I wish it wasn’t like this everyday I wish I could make this better for him, for us, for everyone and then I am left with the guilt that I can’t.

As I sit on the lounge under the blanket, it reminds me this time last year I was quite unwell with the flu then too, actually I was just starting to get over it… it had lasted two weeks, I had been so under the weather, it was after this that I fell pregnant with you… it is hard to believe we are about to get to being 12 months from when you were conceived… 😦 I love you so very much our Henry bear, with everything I have I love you.

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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