I’m tired Henry, this week I have kept myself incredibly busy and I am tired, I am not sleeping and I am tired and I’m both mentally and physically just tired, how I wish so very much this tiredness was due to me looking after you and not from this grief, I really need some rest, some sleep.
This morning after three busy days Henry I lay in bed, I lay in bed and just let the tears flow, thoughts of who you’d be, how old you would be now, what you would be doing, your personality, what would make you laugh? what would make you cry? would you like the water like we had wanted you too? all of those thoughts swirl and swirl and swirl around again like the tornado in my mind, they keep going and I can’t stop them, I will always wonder for the rest of my life who you would have been.
I look at your pictures, oh that nose, that little nose of yours, that hair it gets me every time, I think you are just so beautiful, just perfect, I still remember that when you were born and placed on to my chest those amazing feelings of look at you! Look at this perfect beautiful amazing boy we created, its feelings of pride of love tinged with the hurt of not being able to take you home of never getting to hear that cry.
I had a beautiful friend message me this morning, 3:30am this morning mind you but I didn’t see it until later on when I woke up.. ‘I dreamt about Henry being a number 5 in numerology, you find out you are pregnant in Henry’s 5th month, on the 5th of September, you are due in may the 5th month, 5 is the shape of a pregnant lady and 5 is also one of my favourite numbers she says…. and at the end of the message I hope there will not be 5!!…. wow I thought as I read that message…… lets hope so, as September you would have been 5 months old, my next cycle begins just before 5th September, I would be due in May if I fell pregnant then, 5 is the shape of a pregnant lady… and heck Henry if you wanted to send us five siblings well I would take them all! ‘Send all the babies’ as another friend and I joke.
Positive ovulation tests this week, your Dad and I are doing all we are supposed too, I am trying to be mindful, trying to be positive about it as much as one can in our circumstances and well I haven’t tried standing on my head yet but I can not find any concrete evidence to say that’s a proved method to help.
Your Dad has kept me laughing where he can especially after the discussion about his drunk sperm, I told him he can’t be drinking too much his sperm will be drunk, he then decided after several drinks to reenact for me what his drunk sperm would be like, I could try to explain this, I could try and put it in to words Henry, but I think it’s just best I leave it with the actual video itself, I sort of half have permission from your Dad to post it so I think I am just going to go ahead with that half permission… I am sure you’d agree.. Although if his sperm is trying to swim like this we have no hope 😮
The Chinese medicine acupuncture lady I have been seeing is called Irene, your Dad keeps telling me about this song ‘come on Irene’, I have had no idea what is talking about he finally played the song for me the other night just before we went to jump in to bed, turns out it’s actually ‘come on Eileen’ “Does that mean we could make an Eileen tonight?” I said to your Dad “Arrrrr” he screamed in Homer Simpson fashion “come on Ian” he began to sing… Arthur, Martha, Ian, Eileen… You better send us half a soccer team.
As we laid in bed it was so cold Henry, so damn cold, our air conditioner has decided the heating part is no longer going to work properly with it only blowing cold air… so as we jumped in to bed flannelette sheets, and our pyjamas and socks on… I cuddled in to your Dad “hmm how are we supposed to do this?” I asked “I’d like to touch you but my hands are too cold” I said “don’t you touch me without warming your hands up” your dad replied… “perhaps we need knitted onesies” your dad suggested “With holes for our doodles” …. “our doodles?” I asked laughing “Well no one for mine and a hole down below towards the back a little for you…… and one for your mouth” your Dad replied, cue my inappropriate laughter here Henry “For you to breathe” your Dad said realising where his comment had led but it was too late, but at least we were laughing….. there’ll be no knitted onesies Henry I can assure you of that.
The days are all so different Henry, I have had days this week where I felt ok, then Tuesday afternoon after being busy for the day I found myself crippled by the pain, I couldn’t move, I lay down on the bed crying and crying the tears wouldn’t stop… I could feel it, feel it all throughout my body, grief Henry this grief is physical my body aches, it longs for a baby it thinks it should be looking after, my arms wonder why I am not holding you, my chest aches to hold you close, my eyes look for you, my ears listen out for cries I will never hear, my lips long to kiss your sweet face, my nose tries to seek out that smell of you as newborn baby, my stomach these feelings all sit in my stomach and it aches too, for the baby it held for 9 months, the little boy who should be here, for you.
The other day while in the car Henry an Angus and Julia Stone song ‘Other things’ came on, I had a little giggle at this as when we had been trying to choose songs for your service in those really difficult raw moments your Dad played the intro to that song, just the music part “What about this?” he had suggested, “ummmmmm you know the first line to that song is ‘go put the cat outside’ kinda not appropriate” and we had laughed a little, as the song was on I decided to listen to more of the words lines such as ‘theres a plane in the sky if those people fall they will die’ and ‘I’ll see you later tomorrow’ I thought to myself oh my gosh Henry could you imagine if we played that song…. I told your Dad about those lines when I got home and we had a little laugh.
I sit, I try, I remind myself of what we need to do, it still doesn’t stop that feeling of sometimes just wanting to be with you, where you are, you are my child, my baby of course I want to be with you, it’s where my heart says I should be, I just keep trying keep thinking of your Dad, your fur sisters and your future siblings and that’s what keeps me here, I wish there was some way, some way we could visit with you, how wonderful it would be to hold you to me once more.
Today Henry I was able to spread the story of another little boy, one gone too soon, his mum had created some cards to spread Simon’s smile.. she sent me some with a gift, so today I did my first random act of kindness paying for the next persons coffee and leaving a card with it, so that person may then spread that random act of kindness on to someone else. I had a bad morning so it was nice to do this to possibly add that kindness to someone else’s day.
I have an idea for a few other things I want to do in your name, but I have to make a few things first, so its been taking a little time to put together but I will get there, I will be sure to let everyone know once I do..
Its edging closer and closer to fathers day Henry, I was talking to my psychologist today about this, I am feeling so much emotion for your Dad about approaching this day, within the week leading up to fathers day last year we found out we were expecting you, I am not sure what to do for your dad on this day, does he want to go out but be amongst families everywhere, does he want to stay home and hide? I don’t know… I want to ask but I don’t want to upset him, I know I write a lot to you about how I am feeling, but I think of how your dad s feeling and coping all of the time, I often want to do all I can to ease the pain for him, even though I know this pain really can not be eased… I suppose all I can do Henry is put it out there now, to others, that your Dad is grieving too, it doesn’t go away for Dad’s they feel it for the rest of their lives too. I know your Dad doesn’t read this, but I hope that I can put out there now, so that maybe he might get a message to ask ‘how you going mate?’ or maybe friends can remember to say to him ‘happy fathers day’ as he is a Dad, he is your Dad… This Sunday Henry is ‘International Bereaved Fathers day’ hopefully I can cook him some breakfast and remind him of the wonderful Dad he is and will be in the future. I only hope others can acknowledge him as a father on father’s day, even if he doesn’t respond on the day.
I know Henry, how hard your Dad works to stay strong, I know how much he does to support me, I know how exhausted he is from working and trying to deal with navigating grief, I know he often wakes at 2:30am this is when he cries his tears, this is when his thoughts drift to how much he misses you, I know he says to me ‘It’s damn hard’ and I know he has even had to through his line of work listen and see some things lately and bite his tongue not to respond. I don’t know how he does it, but he does… I know you already know this Henry but I think your Dad is so absolutely amazing and wonderful, he loves you so incredibly much. You may have his ears…. but I know what an amazing role model he would have been for you growing up.