Washing cycles

The world keeps spinning and I’m still in it, it won’t stop, won’t let me out.

Every month feels like a washing cycle Henry. One big long washing cycle… I get to the end of each cycle month and I am done that’s it I have been through the spin cycle, hung out to dry, worn and used, then comes the bit where it all starts again, I need to refocus, sit begins I am surrounded by those suds with the promise of coming out like new, sparkling, and so it begins.

Half way through the wash cycle I think I have been here a while is this not done yet, I would really like to stop now, it’s been long enough lets hang out in the sunshine, but nope it keeps washing, then rinsing. By the time we get towards the spin cycle I am already tired, spinning…. do we have too, I’m already tired and dizzy and feel like I can’t take anymore, but nope got to go through that spin cycle right? wring out all that water I’m holding on to so I will be able to float in the sun to dry.
 
I’m done, finally the spinning has stopped and for some brief moments, but never long enough, I do float on the line in the sun, with some hope of easier days ahead…. hold on whats happening your bringing me in, I need to get to work… but I am enjoying that sun, and so it goes I am used….. my period arrives the hope I held on to while drying in the sun disappears and I keep going, then it stops and I think ok back in the washer, with the promise, the hope of coming out shiny and new and perhaps staying in the sunshine a little longer.

Sometimes the washing machine might break down halfway through, it might stop, things don’t go as they should, you never know if it’s going to go as smoothly as it can it or be a bumpy ride.. but round and round I go.

After some really dark days Henry, days with no light, I’m at the start of that washing cycle again, maybe if I’m new and sparkly the darkness may disappear, but there are some stains that will stay no matter what.

This morning Henry, this morning I got up after very little sleep to see the GP, I had to go I didn’t want too… my GP is on maternity leave 😕 ironic isn’t it… so I had to see another GP I’ve seen her before but to go in and see someone trying to explain things again.. I had to go to renew my care plan for seeing the psychologist, not a fun task and also Henry to get a referral for the ob/gyn, the one we will end up seeing with your siblings.. it’s time to touch base now, touch base to try to do some more planning, work on ways to take steps in the right direction so we do have siblings for you.

It was hard Henry I sat in the waiting room trying to keep tears at bay. Two other ladies sat in the waiting room with me… don’t cry, don’t cry don’t cry I repeated to myself over and over as I waited for the Dr. Keep focused, don’t cry when you walk in either.. you can do this, you can do it… you got this. As I listened to  others make polite conversation and tried to force a polite smile when they looked at me.

All the pep talks in the world and I couldn’t keep it together.. once I sat down in front of the GP tears and lots of them, we went over again some of the details, of what had happened, she said to me I can’t even call it a stillbirth Kristy thats not what this is, not with what happened and what they should have done.

We sat and I had to fill out a questionnaire, how often have you felt nervous in the past four weeks, hopeless in the past four weeks, tired for no reason in the past four weeks, like there’s no reason to get out of bed etc etc etc multiple choice questions ranging from rarely to all of the time, of course most of my answers were most and all of the time. Fuck this is just so fucking unfair Henry.

The sad thing is, only so many sessions are subsidised, even then it’s only half, I still pay a substantial amount… but now I’m up for paying the full amount, you might think no cost to my mental health right, but seriously we shouldn’t even be here in this situation… if jobs were done we wouldn’t and yet now I’m left paying well over $100 a session to be able to talk to someone which is important, but seriously Henry I don’t know what people could do if they didn’t have the money, not that we have but we get by. Another flaw in the system.

The GP talked me through some things I eventually managed a small laugh, tears are good she said, that laugh you do you always did that while pregnant even while you were so incredibly sick you would still come in here smile and laugh she said.. you never complained just took it as it came.

After an hour with the GP, longer than I expected, as we had discussions on sleep and other things.. I went to get a coffee and was going to head to the beach for some time alone with the calming waves.. I got my coffee in the car drove off once I got further around the corner I finally took a sip and blergh!!! What’s wrong with this, I realised they had given me soy milk instead of skim… I had a small laugh to myself not haha laugh but an ‘of course’ laugh (only me).. I was hoping the wrong coffee wasn’t setting the standard for the rest of my day, but even if it was, well it wouldn’t matter because I already feel at my lowest point anyway.

I sat at home with an instant coffee in the sun, your dad was sleeping as he had come off a night shift, I so desperately wanted him to wake up so I could just hug him, but I also wanted him to sleep for as long as he needed to as I know he’s exhausted. I know Henry life will continue to go on, I know it won’t stop for us or anyone else, I know there’s so much unfairness in this world, I know we are not the only ones to have experienced trauma and tragedy, I know… I keep trying to say we will keep going, I think maybe sometimes come on… life has to improve something good has to come our way we are such good people, yet life doesn’t work that way, if it did people wouldn’t be everywhere hurting.

I try to sit and tell myself that I can be strong, I can do this, I can smile, we will laugh again, we will get there, wherever there is?

New Growth. 🌱
My love for you is like no other

This love of a mother

When I think it couldn’t get any stronger,

It intensifies with each breath I take

now I’m breathing for two,

for me and for you.

I’ll continue to live my life,

It won’t be easy without you by my side.

I’m not saying I’ll be able to do it greatly at first,

I’m not saying it won’t hurt,

but I’ll do it for me, I’ll do it for you

I’ll do it for your incredible Dad too.

I’ll fight through, I’ll battle on,

it’s not a war to win or a race to be won,

but rather it’s a recreation of myself

of finding who I am without you in my arms

but still as your mum.

It’s going to take a lot of time

a lot of work especially on my mind

it’s like learning to walk, I’m not even crawling

And sometimes I wonder will I make it to morning.

All I can do is continue

While I hope those around me can offer water when needed,

Add some fresh soil to top me up,

I may have to survive harsh conditions,

I’m not saying I won’t wither a little at times.

Sometimes I may shed what’s not needed

Or do some pruning, to allow myself the best chance.

Because what are the choices live or die

It’s only for you I’ll do it, for you Henry I’ll try.

I’ll keep growing in to my new self. 🍃

Hopefully I’ll grow into something beautiful 🌿

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I sat with your Dad this afternoon by the water as he ate his pie for his breakfast, two ducks swam along in the distance “See the ducks?” your Dad asked me “I did, I wish I was a duck” I replied “Why?” your dad asked me “Well I could just calmly swim along in the water just like that then get shot and eaten” I said “Geez babe” he replied “Here I was thinking I was going to get a nice happy story and bam oh shot dead and eaten, you’d be the duck that stands right in front and still be there afterwards” he said to me. we laughed, yep Henry our sense of humour and things we augh at, at the moment is a bit twisted but at least we laughed, your Dad asked if I was going to title my next blog entry that ‘duck swim bam dead eaten’ I said perhaps… we held each other close. “We got this” he says to me.

I love your Dad Henry and I love you, I will keep working to find my way through the dark, I will keep doing things to try and help those moments, the anxiety, the panic, the extreme sadness and flashbacks… I will do my very best in the hope for a lighter future.

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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