At times Henry I look at your sisters smiling blue eyes and wonder would you have smiled through your eyes the way she does? It’s not to compare, but a wonder, an aching thought that will always be there. I’ll always wonder who you would’ve been, your thoughts, looks, personality I think about it all, I did before your little sister and still do now. I guess watching her grow seeing all she does sometimes it makes me wonder more.
I’ve had some heavy days Henry, ones where the ache for you has been so strong, all I have wanted is to be with you. Days where I feel like the pull is so strong, like I’m being held by one single thread between here and there and that thread at any moment may break.
I know some people won’t get it Henry, that having your little sister here should be enough to stop that but it’s never going to stop those days, the ache that rises heavily in my chest, that I feel all through my body, the incomplete feeling of not being able to watch both my children grow and cuddle them both within my arms. Some days seeing Charlie upset is enough to make me feel heavier as I wonder whether you ever need me and I can’t be there for you.
To those people Henry that think having Charlie here should have ‘cured’ us that we shouldn’t still miss you, I ask which one of your children could you live without? Yet live each day without you we do.
Charlie, Henry, she is just full of life, determination and that smile the one that brightens up the whole room, lights up her whole face and you can see her smile through her bright blue eyes. I enjoy watching her grow, master new skills, find her hands, rolling, pushing with her feet, attempting to sit up. Watch her as she grabs my finger for more and won’t let it go when offering her a taste of food, laughing as she farts in the mornings and chats our ears off with new sounds or as she responds to us with her own laugh.
I read to her, feed her as she beats me up by scratching me, pulling at me, sometimes now biting down 🤣 I get down on the floor encouraging her to move, rock her to sleep as she needs, I research, I read, implement things I already know to help her continue to develop and grow.. and at times I get frustrated too, tired and just wait for the moments she goes to sleep to have five minutes to sit down.
It’s so many mixed emotions of motherhood. I have trouble at times expressing or saying how I truly am going or feeling as I don’t want anyone to think my grief, thoughts and missing you mean I can’t look after or parent Charlie well, if anything Henry it makes me harder on myself and more determined to want to do the best job I can as I know you don’t know what tomorrow brings and I know what it’s like not to have those opportunities with your child.
It’s very exhausting, the constant challenges within my mind, the way I am to myself, wanting to do better for Charlie, for you for our whole family, a delicate juggling act. I think at times I have too many balls in the air and there’s moments where the music gets faster and the rhythm I juggle to becomes too much, the balls fall on to the floor and roll, I’m left searching the room to pick them all up again and try and start juggling at a slower pace.
Taking your sister to the beach, dipping her feet in the water, watching her reaction, taking her on a picnic on the headland, sitting under the shade of a tree eating hot chips, while she chatters away, taking pictures, doing all the things we had talked about and planned to do with you. Your Dad and I smile we laugh at Charlie’s reactions, we enjoy listening to her chatter what almost sounds like she’s trying to sing, we breathe in the fresh air loving the moment with her as a family but with it comes a tinge, it’s a paradox of enjoying everything about that moment but then knowing we had ‘planned’ to do that with you while you grew safely in my belly and now we do those things without you.
It’s opposing emotions clashing against one another consistently, such is the lives now we are still learning to live. Sometimes Henry I do wish just for a minute we got to be someone else, just for a moment be that family, the one that has their children here in their arms doing their thing. I want for it, to not feel what we do. But Henry that means we wouldn’t be us, we wouldn’t be yours or Charlotte’s Mum or Dad and that in itself I can’t bear that thought either as I’m proud to be your Mum, I’m so blessed to have grown you.
How does one get their head around such complexities? I know Henry living with so much rawness now leaves me feeling very confused.
Recently Henry we had to make the very hard decision to let your big fur sister go to be with you, I had always hoped at almost 16 she would go on her own, that we wouldn’t have to make that decision but it wasn’t to be, such a headstrong puppy with a determination and active mind and a body that was failing her and just couldn’t keep up. I know you wanted her there with you, to run free, so you can have her by your side and play. I can picture her being your absolute best friend, you running on the beach together, her sleeping by your side. It brings a little comfort and softened the blow a little. It was still so tough to say goodbye.
I know we made the right decision for her but to let her go, after you dying, she was here for all the ups and downs during most of my adult life. There when we had to make the hardest walk through the door without you, she was there as I cried so many tears and many more, she sat by my side offered comfort wanting nothing but love in return. I know she held on longer, she sensed we needed her here with us until after your sister arrived. She kept holding on probably longer than she should have.
Her last day Henry we tried to do all of her favourite things that we could manage, I hand fed her strawberries, let her snuggle up to me on the lounge, we helped her rummage through the lemongrass and your Dad walked her around the garden for one final lizard patrol, she got fed beef mince, spent time with us all and most importantly got to go peacefully in our arms at home surrounded by those who loved her the most.
I still miss her daily Henry, I miss her stubborn bark when she got put outside and wanted to be in, watching her chase lizzards, I miss her demanding to be fed st the same time each day, her growling and playing with Snikkers. The house certainly has felt emptier without her and seeing Snikkers go through the grieving process too has been tough as well. Your Dad and I know all to well our grief for you so to try and imagine how Snikkers feels about her main companion not being by her side anymore, it’s been tough.
We have tried to include her more Henry, taking her on walks more often and to your beach, taking her with us on visits and that she’s loved, but I’ve seen the tough days too, the ones where she doesn’t want to live and they break my heart, as I remember and still have days like that with you.
Every night as I go out to the stars to say goodnight it’s not only to you and our little puggles but also now to Missy too. One more bright star in our sky and a boy finally with his puppy dog in his arms, you look after her Henry she is incredibly special as are you.
As we continue in to this year Henry, the looming thought of knowing we are going to approach your second birthday is there, I used to think Henry that the grief with its changes would get softer with time, but I’m not sure softer is the right word or that any word can describe it. It changes but some days the wound is as raw as it was the day you died, like a hot knife straight in to your skin piercing it’s there suddenly, you are bleeding and reminded this is a wound that won’t heal. How we do, what we do for your second birthday I don’t know. I do know as always I’ll try and find the strength still to celebrate you and the love you gave us rather than just your death but I know the lead up will always be so bloody hard have I mentioned I feel exhausted from climbing mountains yet? But there’s still so many more to climb.
I can’t believe you would be two this year, where would we have been? What would we be doing with you? Would we have been travelling with you by now? Would you have loved the water? See there’s that wonder again, it’s there, it’ll always be there.
Milestones, moments, we make the most of all we can, yet some days, I can’t, some days the most I can do is the day, another one without you and I’m slowly learning to say to myself Henry that, that is ok too.
Beautiful boy just know, know in the busyness of it all, of us raising your little sister, navigating life you are still so present for us, present in all we do and on our minds. Know as I wake each day, as I go about my day, as I get in to bed each night you are there. The world keeps going, things keep moving, others forget or don’t say your name anymore, but us Henry we always will. You are so loved. I like to think that thread that you are and that you are holding on to the other end, the invisible thread keeping us connected and knowing when my time does come, if it ever breaks it will lead me straight to you.
As I type this now I watch your sister stir and wake from her sleep and I think to myself what a joy it is that I get to experience that moment, see as she opens those beautiful eyes, watch as she takes in her surroundings, her world again adjusting between the worlds of awake and sleep. I get to see as she reaches out, I get to place my hand in hers to let her know I’m here, offer comfort. I wait I watch as she either talks or cries and I hope that others realise what a privilege it is to be able to have these moments with your child.
As I sit feeding her now and typing one handed (more juggling) I hope both my children know how loved and what gifts they are. Love you baby boy.