Category: navigating loss

A fathers love.

A father needs to grieve his child just as the mother can……
the grief is no less powerful because you are the man…

Fathers Day Henry, fathers day, fathers, your Dad. Your Dad is the most amazing man I know, His strength, his ability to keep going, to keep us both going, to work when he is exhausted from his grief, to keep doing things around the house, to hold me as I cry, to still put on a brave face through his heartache, to still cook, clean, care for your fur sisters. He truly is wonderful.

Fathers day, 😦 a day I have always struggled with since I lost my Dad, your grandfather, a day that every year brought with it a little hurt that I didn’t have him here, Once I knew you were on the way I couldn’t wait, I thought about how fathers day would have a positive spin, how you and I would be able to celebrate your Dad, I thought about how nice it would be to not be as sad on that day…. but instead I am now filled with more hurt, dread and pain than I could ever imagine. I feel as though there’s a boiling hot knife blade that has peirced me in the heart and one in the stomach and it is slowly and slowly getting pushed in deeper and deeper until I might completely buckle from the pain.

Dads can quickly be forgotten when it comes to grief Henry, I don’t think anyone truly releases the toll it takes on your Dad. He comes home so exhausted from work yet continues to go and work as he needs to, he often still wakes in the early hours of the morning to his thoughts and cries softly as to try not to wake me, he often doesn’t realise I am awake anyway and can hear him, sometimes I will hug him, other times I let him be as I know he needs to be left alone. There’s a stigma attached to men and grief, they should be strong, men shouldn’t cry.. but why Henry why is this so? why is this out there? as your Dad has lost the most precious thing to him on this earth, he lost his little boy, of course he’s sad he thinks of you 24/7 like I do, I see him turn away when we see a newborn down the street, I see him take the long way to walk to where we are getting to, to avoid the couple with the pram. I see the hurt he carries, its evident in his shoulders, his eyes, in the way he sits on the lounge at night with no energy, its in the way he carries himself now, a usually upbeat positive person and you can see the slight change. His grief is as heavy as mine and there should be no shame in showing it.

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What do I give your Dad on father’s day? there’s nothing that can take the agony away, nothing that makes any of this the slightest bit better… Nothing! I ended up getting your Dad a camera lens he has always wanted, It arrived on Tuesday so I decided I would give it to him early. I gave him his gift, he smiled, he was excited to put it on to his camera and he looked through the lens “look at this” he said “Look at how much of the room it captures”, it’s a special fish eye lens Henry so is shaped to capture a wider view. I looked at your Dad smiling and then thought to myself he gave me the greatest gift ever… You!! tears poured down my face I started to sob your dad hugged me “Whats wrong?” he asked me “You gave me the greatest gift ever in Henry, despite everything you gave me him and nothing, nothing seems ever good enough to thank you for that” I replied to him between sobs “We gave him to one another, he’s always out little boy” he replied holding me a little tighter.

Today Henry, fathers day has brought with it so much hurt and pain, I had another little gift for your Dad this morning, I had got him a stubby holder and bottle opener with Dad’s beer on it, I had hoped upon hope that I might be able to give those to him today with the news we would be expecting a sibling for you, but sadly not, I took a test just in case but no…. one lonely line on its own, one lonely line that is getting harder to see.

This morning your Dad as he woke I wished him ‘happy fathers day’ it felt so incredibly wrong saying it, but I also wanted to acknowledge it as he is your Dad, “I’m sorry” I said as I saw the tears form in his eyes, “no don’t be” he said “Thank you” I gave him his gifts and he could barely look at them I began to cry and hugged him so very tight we lay there together in tears, It hurts so much Henry to see your Dad hurting, it hurts that I can not in any way take his pain away.

I cooked your Dad breakfast, Poached eggs, bacon, spinach, avocado, grilled tomato with herbs and mozzarella, I did it because I would have always done it for him on father’s day… Yet it just felt so wrong without you here, I had pictured the two of you snuggled in bed together, me giving your Dad breakfast in bed, us going on a lunch picnic to the beach sitting in the sand, watching as you felt it on your toes.

We tried to keep ourselves busy working on your corner of the yard, using the power saw, drill, we chopped fence pailings to continue making a screen, your Dad got me using the saw, and drill laughing at me at times, especially at my method of holding the paling with my leg to balance it when I was putting screws in, but as always he was patient, helpful and kind. Once we had done some of it we stopped for a bit, tears again from your Dad he tried to walk away to not show them, I just hugged him as hard as I could. We lay in the sun on the deck outdoors both exhausted, drifting in and out of light sleep until your Dad decided he would mow the lawn, it didn’t really need it but I think he just needed to keep himself busy, keep himself doing something… half way through your Nanny and Poppy came over your Dad could not stop to talk his tears came out down his face as he weeded the garden and did what he could to keep himself busy until they left.

Will it ever get lighter? will it ever Henry, as your Dad and I continue to face more firsts, more reminders you are not here, this week we saw the day 12 months ago I got my positive pregnancy test and we learnt of your existence, we keep climbing this incredibly steep mountain Henry, we climb it carrying these heavy awkward bags and pray daily for it to feel lighter, for the mountain not to be so steep and for some rest. It feels at the moment like we are barely holding on, like any moment we could fall from the mountain and hit the ground. Today seeing the pain your Dad is in, his body is sore from the climb, his heart can’t take any more, his hands are finding it hard to grip, today seeing it I almost wanted to let go, I wanted to let go and hit the ground as I don’t want the pain anymore.

Fathers day last year Henry, we had so much hope, so many dreams had begun to develop, fathers day last year I had spent all afternoon while your dad was at work cooking your dad an amazing dinner meal to come home to so we could celebrate we were expecting you. Fathers day last year taking one bite of my dinner was the first time I was sick, I remember taking the bite and wanting to vomit, it surprised me how quickly it happened how quickly it came on… last year was so different.

The other night I had a dream, I dreamt of you, your Dad was at work, I dreamt I was carrying you in to the water, as I started to walk in to the ocean the waves became rough and I was holding you so tight to my chest worried you would get hurt, I made my way out of the water with you, in my dream you were still passed away, yet once I got out of the water you opened your eyes, you opened your sweet blue eyes and looked at me, I shook my head in disbelief, you opened them again and touched my chest with your hand, as you touched my chest again I felt it physically and I woke saying your name. it was so bittersweet, as my dream had seemed so real, yet here I was again awake in this cruel world where you are not once again, tears streamed down my face and I looked at the time 1:11am on the 1st! I wondered if that meant something all of those number 1’s I look for meaning in so much these days to have some connection to you.

Your Dad Henry is one of the most beautiful, gentle souls I know..  I have said to the psychologist on more than one occasion how I wish, I wish with all I have that he was not going through this, he doesn’t deserve this (I mean no one does), he would have been the most loving father, he told me so often how he wanted to take you for walks, he wanted to make sure he would be there for you be involved, he talked about having you in the garage as he worked on things, he talked about how he would take you in the ocean, how we would always make sure there were adventures outdoors for you. I just wish somehow I could take your place, I wish it could be me where you are and you here with your Dad, I would give anything for him to be able to hold you so close and care for you and watch you grow.

A fathers love, your Dad loves you so much Henry bear, he loved you from the moment he knew you existed, that love grew as you grew in my belly and he played you music and talked to you, that love expanded the moment you were born and he saw you I saw it in his eyes in his face, just so much love for you and that love your Dad has for you his son, that love, a fathers love it will last for his whole life.

Hope Henry, I tried to have hope this week, to hold on to it, I repotted the plant in your room as its growing so well, I even brought another little plant putting that in there for your siblings to let them know they are welcome too, I did it all being hopeful, yet just like the tide changes, just like the swell of the ocean my hope changed too, it changed from having some to feeling there is none at all. Yet Hope really is all we have, I can only hope Henry, as we try to hold on, that I can help your Dad, I can help him carry his heavy load as he helps me carry mine, I can only hope that we can find some happiness, I can only hope that we might be blessed soon with your siblings to show them the love we have, and bring some joy to our lives. I can only hope this gets lighter, I can only hope you know how wanted you were and loved you are. I can only hope that love gets us through.

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Arthur and Martha or is it Ian and Eileen?

I’m tired Henry, this week I have kept myself incredibly busy and I am tired, I am not sleeping and I am tired and I’m both mentally and physically just tired, how I wish so very much this tiredness was due to me looking after you and not from this grief, I really need some rest, some sleep.

This morning after three busy days Henry I lay in bed, I lay in bed and just let the tears flow, thoughts of who you’d be, how old you would be now, what you would be doing, your personality, what would make you laugh? what would make you cry? would you like the water like we had wanted you too? all of those thoughts swirl and swirl and swirl around again like the tornado in my mind, they keep going and I can’t stop them, I will always wonder for the rest of my life who you would have been.

I look at your pictures, oh that nose, that little nose of yours, that hair it gets me every time, I think you are just so beautiful, just perfect, I still remember that when you were born and placed on to my chest those amazing feelings of look at you! Look at this perfect beautiful amazing boy we created, its feelings of pride of love tinged with the hurt of not being able to take you home of never getting to hear that cry.

I had a beautiful friend message me this morning, 3:30am this morning mind you but I didn’t see it until later on when I woke up.. ‘I dreamt about Henry being a number 5 in numerology, you find out you are pregnant in Henry’s 5th month, on the 5th of September, you are due in may the 5th month, 5 is the shape of a pregnant lady and 5 is also one of my favourite numbers she says…. and at the end of the message I hope there will not be 5!!…. wow I thought as I read that message…… lets hope so, as September you would have been 5 months old, my next cycle begins just before 5th September, I would be due in May if I fell pregnant then, 5 is the shape of a pregnant lady…    and heck Henry if you wanted to send us five siblings well I would take them all! ‘Send all the babies’ as another friend and I joke.

Positive ovulation tests this week, your Dad and I are doing all we are supposed too, I am trying to be mindful, trying to be positive about it as much as one can in our circumstances and well I haven’t tried standing on my head yet but I can not find any concrete evidence to say that’s a proved method to help.

Your Dad has kept me laughing where he can especially after the discussion about his drunk sperm, I told him he can’t be drinking too much his sperm will be drunk, he then decided after several drinks to reenact for me what his drunk sperm would be like, I could try to explain this, I could try and put it in to words Henry, but I think it’s just best I leave it with the actual video itself, I sort of half have permission from your Dad to post it so I think I am just going to go ahead with that half permission… I am sure you’d agree.. Although if his sperm is trying to swim like this we have no hope 😮

The Chinese medicine acupuncture lady I have been seeing is called Irene, your Dad keeps telling me about this song ‘come on Irene’, I have had no idea what is talking about he finally played the song for me the other night just before we went to jump in to bed, turns out it’s actually ‘come on Eileen’ “Does that mean we could make an Eileen tonight?” I said to your Dad “Arrrrr” he screamed in Homer Simpson fashion “come on Ian” he began to sing… Arthur, Martha, Ian, Eileen… You better send us half a soccer team.

As we laid in bed it was so cold Henry, so damn cold, our air conditioner has decided the heating part is no longer going to work properly with it only blowing cold air… so as we jumped in to bed flannelette sheets, and our pyjamas and socks on… I cuddled in to your Dad “hmm how are we supposed to do this?” I asked “I’d like to touch you but my hands are too cold” I said “don’t you touch me without warming your hands up” your dad replied… “perhaps we need knitted onesies” your dad suggested “With holes for our doodles” …. “our doodles?” I asked laughing “Well no one for mine and a hole down below towards the back a little for you…… and one for your mouth” your Dad replied, cue  my inappropriate laughter here Henry “For you to breathe” your Dad said realising where his comment had led but it was too late, but at least we were laughing….. there’ll be no knitted onesies Henry I can assure you of that.

The days are all so different Henry, I have had days this week where I felt ok, then Tuesday afternoon after being busy for the day I found myself crippled by the pain, I couldn’t move, I lay down on the bed crying and crying the tears wouldn’t stop… I could feel it, feel it all throughout my body, grief Henry this grief is physical my body aches, it longs for a baby it thinks it should be looking after, my arms wonder why I am not holding you, my chest aches to hold you close, my eyes look for you, my ears listen out for cries I will never hear, my lips long to kiss your sweet face, my nose tries to seek out that smell of you as newborn baby, my stomach these feelings all sit in my stomach and it aches too, for the baby it held for 9 months, the little boy who should be here, for you.

The other day while in the car Henry an Angus and Julia Stone song ‘Other things’ came on, I had a little giggle at this as when we had been trying to choose songs for your service in those really difficult raw moments your Dad played the intro to that song, just the music part “What about this?” he had suggested, “ummmmmm you know the first line to that song is ‘go put the cat outside’ kinda not appropriate” and we had laughed a little, as the song was on I decided to listen to more of the words lines such as ‘theres a plane in the sky if those people fall they will die’ and ‘I’ll see you later tomorrow’ I thought to myself oh my gosh Henry could you imagine if we played that song…. I told your Dad about those lines when I got home and we had a little laugh.

I sit, I try, I remind myself of what we need to do, it still doesn’t stop that feeling of sometimes just wanting to be with you, where you are, you are my child, my baby of course I want to be with you, it’s where my heart says I should be, I just keep trying keep thinking of your Dad, your fur sisters and your future siblings and that’s what keeps me here, I wish there was some way, some way we could visit with you, how wonderful it would be to hold you to me once more.

Today Henry I was able to spread the story of another little boy, one gone too soon, his mum had created some cards to spread Simon’s smile.. she sent me some with a gift, so today I did my first random act of kindness paying for the next persons coffee and leaving a card with it, so that person may then spread that random act of kindness on to someone else. I had a bad morning so it was nice to do this to possibly add that kindness to someone else’s day.

I have an idea for a few other things I want to do in your name, but I have to make a few things first, so its been taking a little time to put together but I will get there, I will be sure to let everyone know once I do..

Its edging closer and closer to fathers day Henry, I was talking to my psychologist today about this, I am feeling so much emotion for your Dad about approaching this day, within the week leading up to fathers day last year we found out we were expecting you, I am not sure what to do for your dad on this day, does he want to go out but be amongst families everywhere, does he want to stay home and hide? I don’t know… I want to ask but I don’t want to upset him, I know I write a lot to you about how I am feeling, but I think of how your dad s feeling and coping all of the time, I often want to do all I can to ease the pain for him, even though I know this pain really can not be eased… I suppose all I can do Henry is put it out there now, to others, that your Dad is grieving too, it doesn’t go away for Dad’s they feel it for the rest of their lives too. I know your Dad doesn’t read this, but I hope that I can put out there now, so that maybe he might get a message to ask ‘how you going mate?’ or maybe friends can remember to say to him ‘happy fathers day’ as he is a Dad, he is your Dad… This Sunday Henry is ‘International Bereaved Fathers day’ hopefully I can cook him some breakfast and remind him of the wonderful Dad he is and will be in the future. I only hope others can acknowledge him as a father on father’s day, even if he doesn’t respond on the day.

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I know Henry, how hard your Dad works to stay strong, I know how much he does to support me, I know how exhausted he is from working and trying to deal with navigating grief, I know he often wakes at 2:30am this is when he cries his tears, this is when his thoughts drift to how much he misses you, I know he says to me ‘It’s damn hard’ and I know he has even had to through his line of work listen and see some things lately and bite his tongue not to respond. I don’t know how he does it, but he does… I know you already know this Henry but I think your Dad is so absolutely amazing and wonderful, he loves you so incredibly much. You may have his ears…. but I know what an amazing role model he would have been for you growing up.

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Learning to surf.

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

Days go by Henry, they pass, they keep going and sometimes I don’t think they should. sometimes I want the days to stop, how can they keep going when I don’t want too, on the days where lying in bed seems like the best option? not that I have done that yet as I haven’t, Everyday I have made sure there is something I am getting up for, I make appointments, commitments, things to do… so I always get up and I do them.

Your Dad he goes to work, he gets up and goes and does what he needs to until he comes home again, and we stop, we hug and not want to let each other go, sometimes we cry, sometimes we are able to sit have dinner, talk, watch tv, and even laugh, we mention your name each day and we say goodnight to the stars every night.

I still wonder Henry how, how could this have happened, how do so many mistakes happen in succession to cause this… How does someone who is allocated and responsible to check on a patient just not even bother? How do they just ignore that duty and say ‘oh I thought they were sleeping’, and how does another ignore you when they come to attend to you, dismiss your concerns, be abrupt, give you something they shouldn’t… How do people in these roles who are responsible for caring for and looking after and responsible for people’s lives do this? and again why to us? If only they knew, if only they knew how long I waited for you, how your Dad and I just wanted to give you the best life and take you places and do things with you, if only they knew the absolute shattering pain we live with everyday… but they don’t. I can only hope through the process of addressing our complaint that these people will now think twice about their actions and ensure they do their jobs correctly next time.

I want to say to people Henry, I want to say if I don’t message you back straight away I am sorry, if I don’t always reply I’m sorry, but I appreciate messages that are sent, thoughts etc I just don’t always have it in me, sometimes I am so busy trying to make it through the day.

I want to be that mum Henry, I want to be the mum that’s taking you to the mums group at the cafe with the beautiful outdoor area, the mum thats sharing pictures of you in the sun, the mum thats posting your milestones of smiling, crawling, talking, first foods, the mum who is sharing the funny pictures, moments and the not so funny ones, the one thats showing her baby proudly off to her friends saying look at this little human of mine… but I am not that mum.

I can only share so many photographs of you Henry as we only have a limited amount, I can only share so many memories and most of those don’t mean as much to people as they are memories of you growing in my belly. I think of when my dad passed, I was sad Henry, I still miss him but it is so different, with him Henry I can share memories of what we did, I can hear things from others who knew him, they share their stories, I know he lived a good life although not as long as some others. With you, you didn’t get that chance at life here with us, and no one has memories of you they can share with your dad and I. I wonder how do I share as a mother? like every mum wants to when I can not create the memories with you.

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Firsts Henry, firsts again, I had a beautiful friend message me to tell me she was pregnant, I am so incredibly happy for her Henry, so so happy, but after I replied to her message to let her know what wonderful news that was instantly hot tears fell from my eyes, thick and fast and I couldn’t stop them, not because I am not happy for her because I am Henry, but because it is almost one year since I got that positive pregnancy test with you, then I carried you, despite the sickness I had a good pregnancy, it just brought me back to all of that and the fact you should be here, then it also reminded me of the fact I am not pregnant now, and that when I am pregnant with your siblings how hard that will be, how much worry, concern, anxiety there will be, how I will never get to experience pregnancy with the full joy of it just being a happy time, I won’t be able to relax until those babies are crying in my arms.

I am glad Henry, I am glad my friend told me, I am pleased she thought of me and wanted too, I don’t want people to hold back, I want them to say the things they normally would.. I just have to ride the waves of emotion which will come with that, I have to realise there will be triggers, tonight I saw photos on Facebook of another friends baby shower and that brought with it a sting too as I saw her beautiful smile, the happiness in her eyes, I remember I was that happy once, I had that look in my eye, that excitement, wonder and it will never be that way for us again, and I grieve that too. I look at our maternity photos and I look at the laughter, the anticipation, the absolute joy we had for you, I grieve that we no longer have that joy, that laughter, that happiness, those plans.

I hope when it happens again, when I am pregnant with your siblings, I hope our friends can celebrate with me, I also hope they can support us through the tough moments too, through the anxiety, through the pain, triggers and reminders. I want so badly when that happens to try to still enjoy as much of it as I can.

The past week Henry brought with it a rollercoaster of emotions, I have been ok, and I have been completely down, I have spent time busy and I have spent some much-needed time at home, one thing I came to realise within this past week Henry is that I need that time, the time where I am home, where I can break, where I can let the tears fall, where I can let the anger out. I came to the realisation of a cycle I am currently in Henry, one where I keep myself incredibly busy as busy as I can to avoid the feelings that come along with grieving you, I then finally stop, I stop being busy and I start to feel those feelings, I don’t like those feelings as they are hard, they hurt a lot so I begin to try to get rid of them and I tell myself, ‘you should be getting better’, ‘people think you are too sad’, ‘you need to be doing more’ etc etc and so then I judge the feelings trying to stop them and I go back to keeping myself busy and the cycle starts again….

The only way I am going to incorporate this in to my life, these feelings, this grief and change how it sits with me is if I start to allow myself to feel them, without judgement, without pressure just let them be what they are and as they are, recognise it and then go with it, slowly over time, so very slowly things will shift, I will always miss you, I will always want you here, I will always love you, but I will also learn how to live with that in a way in which I can honour you and live a good life, but that starts with getting through the hard stuff now.

I haven’t quite learnt to surf in real life Henry, while I was pregnant with you I managed to ride some waves in on my knees, I always held back a little, even before falling pregnant with you I always had doubts fears about what happened if I stood up on the board but fell, really the answer to that is I would have fallen in the water and then brushed the salt water from my face got back on the board and tried again. This is what I need to do now as I surf the waves of grief and the emotions that come with that, if I fall from the board because the waves are to big or to rough, I just need to see them through until I can get back up and try again… perhaps one day I’ll surf like a pro and learn to tame some waves.

I have found myself lately Henry really trying, I have been trying to change the language that I use, instead of saying to your Dad I feel like I am a burden on him as he seems to have it all together and I feel like I am falling apart, I say ‘Thank you for being there for me’, Instead of saying I don’t know if I will ever fall pregnant with siblings for you I have begun to say ‘when I fall pregnant….’, instead of saying I shouldn’t be sad, I say ‘I am sad and that’s ok’, instead of thinking I am alone, I am trying to change to remind myself I can reach out to our friends anytime even when I dont know what to say.

There’s no right or wrong way to navigate this Henry, I think at times first waking up and realising our reality still exists is the hardest and then going to bed at night,I woke at 1am this morning, flashbacks from the hospital filled my mind, I could even physically feel the contractions I had at the hospital as this went through my mind, grounding techniques I tried, I tried to focus on things in the room I could feel, I tried to focus on the sounds I could hear to bring myself completely back to the present, it took a while and I finally got back to sleep, but then when I woke up and the realisation hit I was also so exhausted.

When I woke this morning I really struggled to want to get up and face the day, I lay in bed knowing I needed to get up experiencing the physical aspects of this grief as well as the emotional ones and I wrote the following words:

Every morning I wake up, it’s there, it’s instant… that realisation, the longing, the hurt, the love.
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It’s heavy, I feel it in my chest, my limbs, my whole body has a heaviness.
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I fight, I fight with myself in my mind telling myself the reasons I need to get up, to keep going..
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I’m always tired.. it doesn’t matter how little or how much sleep I get I’m physically tired everyday.
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Every morning, the same struggle, the same feelings, it’s all the same. I want you, I need you, I can’t have you, I miss you, I ache for you, I long for you, you are mine and I question what is this life without you… my baby boy.
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I struggle, yet I get up to battle with another day, even when my armour weighs me down.
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I wish I could take the armour off and stop the battle, give in, surrender.

I won’t give in though, I will keep going, I won’t give in as I will keep fighting for you, for your Dad and I, at least I will try, I will try for your siblings who I know you will send our way, I will try for your fur sisters, I will try for our family, our friends as hard as it all is I will try.

If only you knew how you have stolen my heart, if only you knew how much I loved you from the very start, if only you knew what you mean to me, if only you knew how you have forever changed my life, I wish you were here to see.

I love you.

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This weight we must carry…..

Henry, I feel so incredibly lost, as each day passes I feel more and more like an alien to myself and to others. I look in the mirror I don’t recognise the girl who can’t seem to smile much at all and I stare blankly at my reflection, wondering who it is that I am now? I look wondering how do others see me? and I worry, I worry they all must think I should be getting back to being me….. but who is that anymore?

I am struggling, I struggle each day, I feel like its more as time goes on not less. After our last couple of weeks of meetings, of hearing that you should be here, I find it hard to see through the darkness which surrounds me, sometimes there is no light, It is like being in a completely dark room and trying to walk still and I just have to hold on the walls with my hands unable to see ahead but keep taking slow small steps with my hands holding on and hoping I will get to a point where some light shines in.

When I saw the psychologist Thursday morning after we had our final hospital meeting Wednesday all I could do at first was cry, cry as she asked about the meetings and I explained about what they had found, that they found you should be here, I cried and cried as I said to her “we used to be so happy, Tim and I used to laugh everyday, we had always said no matter what we would make each other laugh everyday and we used to do that everyday no matter what sort of day we were having, now either of us can barely laugh at all, we used to be so happy” those words came out while tears streamed down my face I could taste the tears as they hit my mouth, this was the first time I had cried this much in front of her and I couldn’t stop it, it feels Henry like the hurt may never go, I feel as though your Dad and I can never get back to that happiness we once had. “Your grief really begins now” she said to me “Up until now you have had the meetings, the emails, the research, the complaint, your submission all as some form of focus and now its all done it means you stop and you really grieve, it’s not going to be comfortable, you’ll need to sit with feelings as they come”

Sit with these feelings, I know Henry I need to feel them, I know that I need to acknowledge them, I know I need to allow myself to go through this but Henry how? when it hurts so much ‘what kind of life is this?’ I ask myself, where you wake up each day in so much turmoil, in so much pain, with so much heartbreak and you barely function to get through a day.

After last Wednesdays meeting I needed to just get away, I don’t know why…. A good friend organised with me very last-minute to go. I worried Henry, I worried about leaving your Dad as I know he feels the same as me daily so was concerned to leave him on his own, I worried about leaving my security of your dad, of home but I also knew I needed to go, to try to so after my appointments Thursday morning I headed to a friend’s place and then from there we left.

We drove through the blue mountains stopping along the way for lunch, we talked quietly as we travelled about all sorts of stuff, when we arrived at our destination it was cold, cold but we got there and settled in to our accommodation to relax, as much as one can relax when they are feeling the way that I do.

One thing I know Henry is it doesn’t matter where I go, there is no escape, I could travel across to the other side of the world and it is still there, that incredible pain which consumes my heart, the ache which I feel all throughout my body and the thoughts which take over my mind, it never goes away it is something I am slowly learning to carry with me. It is like life has added an extra weight which I must continually carry with me at all times and I am never allowed to put it down, I must walk with it, when I am not walking it is sitting on me, it is weighing on top of me as I sleep. It must go everywhere I do and although it makes me feel incredibly weak and it is so damn heavy, although at times it pushes me right in to the ground, with a lot of time, even though it wears me down now, I will get used to carrying the weight and become stronger with each step I take carrying it. After all the weight is heavy, but part of it is filled with the love, all that love we have for you.

Getting away was nice, different scenery, fresh air, I even met Snuggles the winery sheep, who happened to be absolutely huge… my friend and I tasted wines, ate good food, we explored a little…. she just allowed me to be however I needed to be, she didn’t expect me to be any particular way which was good. We had nice dinners, drinks and having a few drinks allowed me when my head hit the pillow to actually get to sleep, but Henry that’s not something I can do or keep doing, it’s not me and its not healthy but I was glad for those two nights that I was able to get to sleep as some nights that doesn’t happen at all.

We joked about how to ‘warm my uterus’ as this is what the traditional Chinese medicine practitioner told me she was doing and needed to do, we googled how to do that and what I should eat, we laughed about how the different advice on different websites and joked about things such as tying a scarf around my lower abdomen, we talked about your Dad eating oysters and pomegranates…. I tell myself to be positive, I tell myself there will be siblings for you which will help, it won’t replace you but it will help us show this love we have, give us a new door to open.

Then Henry it’s like a shadow casts over me and my mind takes me to those places I don’t want to be, the ones that hurt, those thoughts that add to the sadness the ‘what if it doesn’t happen?’ the ‘how long can I keep myself going if it doesn’t happen this month and as more time goes on?’ then there’s even the fears if it does of ‘how will I get through a pregnancy without being anxious’, ‘how can we ensure something won’t happen again?’ this hurts my heart Henry it really hurts my heart as I feel siblings for you will be the only thing that would help us and I try to remind myself apart from the sickness I did everything right with you, I still exercised, I still swam, you were healthy, so incredibly healthy and I had no reason to worry during my pregnancy with you….

Despite being so sick Henry I tried to enjoy my pregnancy with you and I documented photos, movements, milestones, I spoke to your dad about you, we spoke to you, I read you books, played you music and each weekend I would do something, something to prepare for you, whether it was searching eBay or online for a cot, for furniture for your room, buying you books and researching the right plants, the right lamp, buying up on nappies and wipes… I did all those things so very excited about having you here.

Now I look, I look at the empty bassinet still in our room and I break down, I can’t stand so I sink to the floor allowing my body to fall against the edge bed as I cry, I cry out “why why us” but theres never any answer back, as there is no answer to that Henry. I don’t want to move the bassinet I can’t bring myself too, yet it remains empty like my arms…. will it always remain empty? will we always be this broken?

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How will I be able to enjoy another pregnancy Henry? how will I be able to allow myself to do all of those things I had with you? when I no longer have the ignorance I did then, and I know no time is safe during pregnancy, how will I be able to become attached to your siblings when I will be so damn worried that whole time. It’s another form of grief Henry, grieving that I will never be able to enjoy it in that way. Then I worry how will others respond when we tell them we are expecting, will they not be excited for us either?, will they wonder if they tip toe around us? will we be treated differently? I wish I could switch off my mind.

In the car returning home yesterday my friend just said to me “It is just shit really day by day it is shit, I don’t know how you keep doing it, people say things like I did to you about cleaning your hairbrush and you probably just think shut the fuck up my baby died I don’t care about the hairbrush” and she’s right Henry sometimes those thoughts do enter my head as things such as cleaning my hairbrush and other small things seem so insignificant right now and aren’t things I can even think about.

As time wears on its not feeling easier like I thought it might, as each day just reminds me I am without you, I think about what I am doing and think ‘this is not what I am meant to be doing’, ‘I shouldn’t be going away on my maternity leave I should be with you’ but I am not and then I think to myself you just need to say to yourself this is what I am doing, this is what I am doing and accept it, but how am I ever supposed to accept this? How? you are my baby, my little boy, our son, one so bloody wanted, how does anyone accept their child was taken away from them?

We have so many beautiful people Henry, so many who have said “call if you need us” who offer to be there, but then I feel like at this time my mind is my own worst enemy, it thinks ‘I dont want to bother anyone’, ‘people will think I am too sad’, ‘people will think I should be over it’, ‘what do I say’, ‘how do I ask’  and so most times Henry I just don’t. my mind creates this barrier and it’s like a wall I cant seem to climb.

People see us, we run in to them in the street, we talk, we even smile, they genuinely listen and care but I sometimes think they think we are ok, we are ok as we are there, we are out, we are smiling, yet somehow my brain, my body wont let me crack, it wont let me break much in front of others, so I look fine yet really deep down, I’m far from fine.

I have been trying to tell myself Henry you would want me to live a good life, you would want your dad and I to do things, to live, to be, to smile to do all we wanted to do and I want to try I do but it’s so hard when all of our future plans were about doing things with you and now we focus so much about moving through the day we often don’t think of the next. Each morning I wake up and the sadness of not having you here in my arms hits me, it is there instantly and each night as I try to sleep flashbacks of it all enter my mind.

Your dad messaged me as my friend and I were driving back yesterday, he talked about wanting to get back out in the water and I want him to Henry as I know it is what he loves so very much to do and it is his escape for a while, we talked over text with me encouraging him too “Do we have enough to get a new lens I am after?” he asked.. I paused a minute before texting him back, I did this because Henry I know the lens he wants and I had planned to get this for him as a father’s day and birthday present from you to your Dad, I was going to say leave it with me but I could tell your dad needed something now, I told him that had been my plans and he said we would discuss it when I got home.

We did discuss it Henry and I ordered him the lens now as I want him to have it but as we discussed it there were tears in both our eyes, really I thought to myself what do you get for father’s day? for your dads birthday? when we both know the only one thing he wants, that we both want is you and that’s what we can never have. We hugged one another without saying any more words, we hugged and held each other tight for ages.. “It hurts” he said “It sure does” was my reply

This morning Henry your Dad got us both up to take Missy and Snikkers for a walk on the beach, the sun in amongst the dark clouds and clear parts of the sky made for a beautiful sight, Snikkers ran and ran excited to be there. Your Dad and I laughed at her with all of her enthusiasm and smiled at Missy enjoying her walk, we even tried to get some pictures of the four of us using the timer on my phone, I looked at the pictures later feeling that little sting, you are not in them, part of our little family and you are not here.

 

Your Dad cooked us a yummy breakfast, we went out and when we came back I made sure I made a decent lunch, I could give up Henry, I could not eat lunch or have something not good for me, but I guess the one thing I can have some sort of control over is looking after myself, which includes trying to eat well, it includes exercising, attending appointments and working out small ways I might be able to relax. This will hopefully help, help us both to keep moving, to help my mind and to be able to create your siblings.

It’s a year Henry since we created you, this time last year you were without us knowing beginning to evolve to grow inside me, it would be over the next few weeks this time last year I would begin to feel so tired and not know why, come home from work and lay on the lounge not feeling like getting up, start falling asleep much earlier than normal, all because my body had begun to do what it needed to, to grow you.

I remember this day last year we had been out to see one of our friends favourite singers live, we went to dinner, enjoyed the show it was a good night, the next week my PT had said to me our other friend had said “Maggsy and Kristy need to have a baby” a comment which I laughed at as we were planning a trip.. weeks later when we found out about you, your Dad and I had talked about how our friend jinxed us 😉 maybe she can do it again, with a little help from you too. We will love you forever.

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