Tag: grief

Yesterday, yesterday once I was up and showered, I felt optimistic about the day, I felt like it would be a good day.. I started by cleaning, recutting and putting fresh water in some of the vases for flowers… I wish I could show you all the beautiful flowers people took the time to send to us Henry, we are so very grateful, one thing this whole situation has brought in to my life is a deeper sense of gratitude for everything in my life, not that I wasn’t grateful before as I was but now every bunch of flowers sent, every card with heartfelt words to comfort us, every gift, every message I am really ever so grateful for as it means others are thinking of us, it shows the great amount of people who care, that feel too.

I was doing all this when your dad bought me back a coffee, we talked about different things and smiled ready to tackle the day. Your uncle and Nanny popped over, your uncle helped your dad chop up the tree he’d cut down out the back with a chainsaw while your nanny and I talked, we talked of you, we talked of loss, you Nanny asking herself the very same questions I had asked myself a thousand times, I got it, I understood as she was so very excited about you too and is grieving the loss of you her grandson and of seeing your dad her own son and his wife in immense pain, it makes me wish I could help her pain too.

When they left, I found my head swimming, drowning in thoughts, unable to focus. I decided to get out of the house and go to the supermarket to get some tea as we were out… something I couldn’t drink while pregnant with you… no tea at all it’s funny what pregnancy can do.

Yesterday, I couldn’t catch my breath, yesterday panic arose in my mind, I felt it in my chest…. I thought what happens when they all forget about you? what happens when they stop asking about you?.. It was all too much…. as the days go on as we try to move, as we make our way through this fog we are stuck in. If you were alive people would ask of you often and come for cuddles and to see you, but you are not and when this fog eventually starts to clear a little bit, the world has to keep turning and going and there’s only so much one can ask about you when you are gone. I can’t even describe how I began to feel as I realised that one day we may be the only ones that speak your name.

Yesterday afternoon, your dad cried, he posted a picture he had taken in the waves, he posted words to you about how the ocean was now there to wash away his tears for you and how each time he was out there you’d be there with him. He cried I hugged him, your uncle hugged him, we all cried and then joked about the dust in the house that must be causing sinus problems, but it really makes me think about how hard it must be for your dad, he has cried but he has also been so strong, he’s sent difficult messages and had difficult conversations, faced people for me when I haven’t been able to. I found this and I think it is fitting.

‘He lost his baby too’ we both lost you Henry, we are both grieving, we are both missing you oh so much! I try to think of what I can do for your dad but all I can do is be there for him as he is for me as nothing I can do will make the pain any easier. it’s all a process.

I watched your Dad last night, I watched him as we sat at your nanny and poppy’s house, your two uncles, your aunt and nephews and nieces were there, I sat and I watched your Dad as he played, he played with your Nephews chasing them, making voices, catching and tickling them and making them laugh and laugh and laugh, I watched on smiling he’s always so good with them never afraid to get in there… I watched smiling but with a heavy sadness in my heart, I watched as I thought about how wonderful your dad would have been with you Henry, as I thought about how I know he would have come home from work and you would have been the first one he cuddled, he would have pulled faces at you to make you laugh, he would have taken you out in the water and held you in his arms to keep you safe and it absolutely breaks my heart all over again that he can not do that with you.

We sat on our lounge last night, we sat and I thought about your room.

Your room remains untouched

Our arms are empty

Our hearts are full of love, yet broken at the same time

I look at your room and I curse myself, I curse myself for being so organised, I wish to myself I could be one of those last-minute people who wasn’t prepared, then I wouldn’t have packets and packets of wipes and nappies ready to go.

Bath products, I opened the bathroom cupboard last night to get another toilet paper roll and tears stung my eyes once more as all the natural organic products I was going to use to bathe you in live there.

I stare at the books on the shelf in your room, books I so carefully selected for you, stories from our own childhoods I wanted to share with you

I stare, I look at the empty chair in the corner of the room, the chair I planned to snuggle with you in as I would feed you, the chair I planned to rock you in, the chair where I would have sat with you for hours taking in the sweetness of your little face, kissing your hands, toes, your cheeks and nose. The chair that remains empty now.

Wraps, clothes, bibs all there, toys for when you got bigger, we were so prepared.

A brand new pram!

Your car seat still remains in my car, I can’t bring myself to take it out.

I thought of all these things in my overcrowded mind, I cried and your Dad cried too.

Last night, last night Henry I felt angry, I saw a news story online about a mother, a mother who had neglected her children so badly, only the law couldn’t punish her with jail time as they were only fineable offences, how she was fined, but these are fines due to her circumstances she can never pay back and never will. She let her children live in conditions with faeces covering the walls, rubbish, conditions almost uninhabitable was how it was described by officers who attended to check on the children, I got angry because she can have her children, she doesn’t look after them and yet we have this oh so lovingly set room and home and so much love, but yet don’t get to have you. For the first time I felt so so angry over the unfairness the injustice of it all.

This morning, lying in bed this morning listening to the rain, I wondered if I went and stood in it to wash my tears would it wash some of the pain. Water seems to be our place for both your dad and I to use as an escape to sit to stand to cry.

But I found myself this morning also unable to move as the tears softly rolled down my cheeks this morning I couldn’t bring myself to even sit up, I wondered if I could just lay in bed all day. I wondered if perhaps the big quilt could just cover me up, if I lay here long enough would it all go away, but it won’t.

This morning I listen to the pouring rain as I type, I wonder how your dad and I will distract ourselves today, it’s harder with the rain as we can’t be outside, I wonder what we will do to try to keep our minds busy, how will we get through today. I question I ask myself everyday, but then I think of tomorrow and it stings, it hurts even more, tomorrow was supposed to be my first mothers day with you in my arms, I was so excited about that and seeing what your dad might plan, now I hurt, now I don’t know how to feel about that day, yes I am your mum but you are not here with me in my arms, I ache, it hurts it aches in every part of my body. No handmade gifts of handprints for me, no cards, no gifts of pasta made necklaces or handmade boxes from you as you grow. I am a mother, I am your mum, but I don’t get to mother you, I don’t get to look after you…. Instead I hurt, I cry, I get angry, I question why, I grieve. I think of your little face and tiny fingers I think of the 39 weeks I spent growing you inside me, I think of the sound of your heartbeat, I wonder how it all went wrong. I think of what I can do in your honour, I think of how new parents are not educated on so many things, I think of how shocked I am that this could happen, I didn’t know this could happen to us and then I break again, I break and the pieces seem to heavy to even try to put back together again and I know as I try to lift each individual piece it will never fit back the same.

 

Morning our Henry :), yesterday! yesterday once we got ourselves going we went for a walk, it was nice to walk in nature, taking in all the beauty around us, the sounds, the sights, the sunshine, we would stop, look take in the beauty of a newly opened flower, tread carefully near the small lizard basking in the sunshine and just be.

We got to a big cliff face as we stood staring over the ocean, I watched, I watched the power of the ocean as it swept up along rock faces as the force of it drew water swishing and swirling it in to one area then it dragged back out to sea again… In that moment as I saw the depth of the water and took it in, I felt as though the ocean may come up and swallow my heavy body whole. I wondered if your dad felt the same.

I held your dad a little tighter “Don’t ever leave me” I said feeling overwhelmed, sometimes it was hard to read him and I didn’t know how he was feeling… “Why would you say that?” he asked “I am disappointed you would think that and I am not leaving” was his response… I guess I get some anxiety now thinking if you had to leave Henry, how do I know everyone else won’t.

We kept climbing, exploring, watching, we even got some beautiful photos to share, we crawled through a very narrow tunnel called Gosangs tunnel, to see the spectacular view on the other side. We laughed, we watched from above the tunnel three fisherman scream ‘yahoo’ as they got a big catch for the day.

As we moved on we next walked to a shipwreck from 1923, as I looked at the large and smaller pieces of the shipwreck scattered everywhere in all different places I said to your dad “that ship wreck represents me all broken with my pieces scattered everywhere”, “that’s a good analogy” he replied then adding “I am like that my pieces scattered but they are being built back together” I can’t tell you how much I love your dad Henry, he is absolutely amazing.

Yesterday afternoon, the weather turned we headed back to the house where we were staying, I made a coffee then the sadness hit once again… hitting hard I cried and I looked at your dad hugging him, “How do you have it all so together?” I asked him “You are so good and I feel like I am just a mess”, “It’s because I am just thinking of kit kat’s” was his reply, I smiled…. “there’s just a little picture in my mind of a kit kat constantly there, then when someone asks me something it turns over before I can take it in to respond, how are you today…. the kit kat picture then turns over svvvvvvop (that’s the noise he made) then I respond, oh good thank you” I laughed “Thank you” I replied “always” he said to me hugging me, one thing your dad has always said to me from day one was that his aim was to make me laugh everyday and you know what he always has, no matter what is heppning…… I so wanted to share our laughter with you I even posted some of our maternity shots on Instagram talking about how I was looking forward to that while pregnant with you.

Yesterday afternoon we played connect four, we must have played 20 games, both of us not realising little things and making silly mistakes and laughing at one another. It was nice to sit and to be and to laugh.

Yesterday afternoon Henry as the weather changed outdoors more, the wind the cold all blew in we sat in a house further south with not much to do, not much at all and knowing the weather wouldn’t be good again today we sat wondering what are we doing here, if we are just going to sit inside due to the weather we can do that at home, with your older fur sisters Missy and Snikkers and where we are warm and comfy. So we packed up our things and we drove home, home to the puppies, home to be with you.

I haven’t mentioned much about your fur sisters to you, Missy is a real old person at 14 years (90 something in human years) she sooks and whines a lot at 14, she likes things her way, I only said to your dad the other day I wonder who would’ve cried more you or Missy…. We both answered missy. Snikkers is almost 11 but still energetic, she is our happiness dog and while I think she would’ve been weary of you at first, I know she would’ve become your most fierce protector and best friend. I was so looking forward to introducing them to you. Missy stayed so close to me the days before your birth and they both enjoyed exploring your room.

Last night, last night my beautiful boy, I broke down, I hugged your dad and I broke down, I then got in the hot shower and as the water ran over me I cried, I cried so hard the stream of the water hiding those tears that fell, they fell fast, they fell hard and I wished that you would come back to me, I wished I could be caring for you, I wished to hug you, I wished but they are wishes that can never come true. I then after drying and getting on my Pj’s joined your dad on the lounge and hugged your cushion. I hugged it so tight and began to think of all the things I was going to do, how I would keep going and the effort I would put in to ensuring others in this situation are somehow supported.

Last night I slept.

This morning, this morning I woke and I cried, your dad in the shower already he got out  and said “good morning beautiful” as he says to me everyday, even when the last thing I feel like at the moment with swollen eyes, and a mess is beautiful, but your dad he says it anyway, he would be the best role model for you, I know if you could be here with us growing and watching him and all he does and how well he treats me you would’ve grown in to such a respectful, fine young man…. gosh it hurts so much typing those words, and thinking about all you could have been.

This morning as the cold snap has hit, I will myself to get out of this warm bed to shower,  the one thing that makes me want to is so we can go get soil to add to the yard to prepare the area where we will plant your garden Henry.

This morning I have emailed bears of hope, wondering if they can support setting up a group in the area for bereaved parents, I offered to volunteer my time, we will await their response, I have also recorded other ideas down, I won’t share them just yet, but ideas on how to support other families in this situation and fundraising ideas to help further support the local hospital, I know with some help from some very special people these will all begin to come to life, all in honour of you my little man.

Your dad got out this morning, out in the ocean to take photographs, I am so very glad he did as he loves it, I felt a little anxious when he left to do so, I tend to worry about him at the moment… But I spoke to you and I know you our dear Henry would’ve been there right beside him and looking out for him.

I want to leave todays blog with an article a friend tagged me in this morning, hopefully it may assist someone who reads, maybe the words will resonate with them, maybe it will help others understand. As mothers day draws upon us it can be mixed with many emotions for those of us who have loved but lost… facing mothers day as a bereaved mother. 

Thinking of you our beautiful boy. x

Yesterday, yesterday Henry I got out for the morning, I went to a morning tea type event which was supposed to focus on grief and essential oils to help with grief…. It didn’t quite go that way.. It only ended up being a very small group and no one was able much to focus on or talk about the big fat pink elephant in the room, ok so maybe not a room but a courtyard where we sat in the sun! They spoke of the essential oils but I felt like most eyes were on me and they tiptoed around the subject, then it turned in to a bit of a sales pitch for the oils, however no one addressed the topic of grief and as they muddled over their words, looking not knowing what to say I thought to myself this is why my letters to you are so important, this is why I want to share, so people will acknowledge and people will talk about and learn about these topics that are often considered taboo. because if we don’t talk about it, how else do people know.

Yesterday afternoon we drove, we drove further south to get away, but one thing I have come to realise is no matter how far we drive away, it’s still there. That pain we feel, that ache in our hearts, that feeling in the pit of our stomachs, the never ending thoughts, the constant yearning for you… it’s with us always, it’s going to be a part of us now. No matter how far we venture from home this will never leave us. I know with time we will get stronger, we will learn how to move, cope, breathe and get through days with a little more ease.

Yesterday afternoon as we walked on the beach I looked back in the sand to see my footprint, my first thought was not about the clear beautiful water as it may have once been, it was not about the gorgeous sun starting to set but rather that we would never get to see your footprints in the sand.

We did sit with some nibbles and watched the sunset which was beautiful and toasted to you! Our precious boy, we toasted to you and talked about how much we loved you.

Last night, last night was the worst nights sleep I have had, it was one of the first nights I have not taken something to help me sleep, something to quiet my mind and my mind was not quiet it was filled with thoughts, moment, memories… memories of first being told your heart was no longer beating… of being in that room without your dad there yet and being told you were no longer alive, of the looks on the caring midwives faces as they had to break that terrible news to me. I thought of your birth, of the hours and hours it took for you to come in to this world, of all the emotions we felt that day… Emotions that shouldn’t have been, excitement and joy and that little bit of being scared of the unknown of bringing your first child in to the world were replaced with sadness, fear, grief and emptiness of knowing when you arrived you were not going to cry, you were not coming home, you were not going to open your eyes, you would be still…. Our first baby and you would be still.

Last night I remember comments of you can try again, then I wondered, how do we try again, I waited over ten years for you! How do we know we will even be blessed again and if we were how do we go through a pregnancy without panic, without anxiousness, without wondering what if this happens again, how do we? how???? and even if we did it will never replace you, we will still always think of and want you with us.

As I lay awake and tossed and turned last night I listened to the wind blowing, I listened to the rustle of the trees, I listened and the only sound I wanted to hear was you, I cried.

This morning not being able to sleep I got up very early, trying to quietly tip toe as to not wake your dad, and went to make a coffee as I stared out the kitchen window, I got to see the colours of a beautiful sunrise, I smiled at that even with my sadness, I smiled and thanked you, making my way on to the upstairs balcony I looked over with my coffee and took the colours in.

This morning I wanted to acknowledge all of our beautiful friends, all of you who have sent messages, commented, read my blog, sent gifts or flowers, cards and thoughts. You are all amazing and I know a lot of you have started off with I don’t know what to say…. I wanted to let you all know, that is ok…. Sometimes Tim and I don’t know what to say either, but the fact you have reached out even though you do not have the words, means more than you know. I thought I would share some articles for those who are interested in reading. What do you say  and this one is on Grief  which our beautiful midwife who supported me through most of your labour and birth shared with me.

This morning as your dad continues to snore, I guess at least I know he is resting for a change!! This morning because I can’t share you enough Henry, because I can not speak your name enough I want to end with a photo of us, a photo of you our beautiful boy. We love you so much we love you always. This morning I start my day again for you!