pregnancy – Page 4 – Letters to Henry

Jenga

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday feels like it is too far away to remember yet it was only two days ago. I feel as though the days go so slow, but yet I feel like the days since we have held you have gone too fast. I said to your Dad I feel like you are too far away from us its been too long since I got to hold you in my arms, take in that sweet newborn smell and see those beautiful features of yours, your sweet sweet face, those perfect little hands, those feet with the cute little long toes… Every part of you etched in to my mind and forever will be.

Tuesday I went to get a blood test Henry, one my GP ordered to look at my hormones, to look at my iron and vitamin D levels. As I sat in the chair the lady about to take my blood looked at my form “Are you trying for your first bubba” she asked, due to the tests my GP had ordered, I took a big breath trying not to cry but tears fell from my eyes anyway “No” I replied softly “We not long lost our little boy at 39 weeks” the beautiful lady hugged me, she hugged me and then said to me “I lost two of my children in an accident, I at least had them for a short time” this form of understanding enveloped me.. The energy of the room changed from me feeling like it was about to get awkward and me anxious to being able to breathe I replied to her “to lose your child at any stage is traumatic and awful and just because you got time with your children doesn’t make your loss less” she hugged me and said “Don’t let anyone at all put a timeline on your grief, this will be such a long and individual process and it will take so much time, you talk about this too, talk about it get it out, talk about it as much as you need too” I left there although sad, with that relieved sense that comes across when you know someone understands the absolute heartbreak.

While at home your Dad and I worked more on your garden, we have been placing up a frame to create a screen in front of the fence, your Dad had me drilling, he was so patient Henry, so patient as I tried and failed a couple of times and tried again, until we had the frame up with minimal fuss. I can’t tell you enough how amazing your Dad is, so willing to work together, to encourage me to try everything and keep me going. He would have been so patient with you.

Tuesday afternoon Henry, I had a friend call who I used to work with, it was so nice to speak with her, it was nice of her to check in. I talked about so much, about how I was feeling so anxious… anxious I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant again, anxious about how I will feel if that doesn’t happen, anxious about my birthday and becoming another year older, a birthday as I hadn’t imagined it, a birthday I had planned to celebrate with my little boy in my arms. Then there was the anxiousness about how I will face work…. I try but it is all in there along with all of my thoughts.

Tuesday night Henry, Missy wouldn’t settle, she wouldn’t sit… your Dad pulled her on to the lounge, on to his lap, she snuggled in he lay a blanket over her as I looked on always in awe of his caring and loving nature…. Your Dad looked towards the TV seeing his side profile in that moment…. I saw you, I took a picture of him and Missy, when he looked at it he said “Oh that’s an awful picture of me”, “No it’s not” I replied with tears in my eyes “as when I just looked at you in that moment I could see our beautiful boy Henry”… Your Dad he smiled at me with that look in his eyes, I could see it the ache that comes along with the love.. We looked at one another as he grabbed my hand giving it a little squeeze.

Wednesday Henry, Wednesday I woke up in tears it was hard to want to get out of bed, every part of me ached for you, to hold you. I got myself up in the shower…. I made myself move for another morning. It’s like a game of jenga you continue to take blocks and build them one on top of the other moving up but you never know the moment it comes crashing down. It didn’t come crashing down Wednesday morning but it was close. Your Dad and I got ourselves together, we went for coffee with your nanny and poppy and ended up spending the whole day with them.

Wednesday night those blocks did crash, they fell…. they came crashing down I just looked at your Dad and the tears turned quickly in to sobs, he just held me I sobbed and told him about how much I just wanted you “I just want our baby boy” I cried to him “This is so hard and I just want him here with us” I couldn’t stop the sobbing as much as I tried “Let it out” your Dad said to me “Let it out”, “It just hurts so much” I managed to get out between sobs “It certainly does, it really hurts and it’s not something we should have to be going through but we are and we will keep going for each other and Henry, the puppies and Arthur and Martha too” …. I know we do, but sometimes I just really don’t know how.

This morning Henry, this morning the alarm went off at 6am… I wanted so badly to ignore it, I wanted to not get up, I am tired Henry, sleep does not come easy, I find these days even when I am asleep it’s not deep sleep, sometimes I know I’m asleep but yet feel awake, I imagine it might be like the light sleep I may have been getting when first getting used to having you home, when worried I may not hear your cries, so I would only sleep lightly to make sure I would have heard you…. except now I am having this light sleep because you are not here, because I don’t get to hear those cries, because I never will.

Your Dad and I got up and went to pilates, it’s always good to do, to stretch, work, to be little moments which help. After pilates we came home and had breakfast then off to get some shopping and coffee, as we sat in the sun enjoying a coffee, people walked past with prams, so many people with babies, with little ones… The aching began, the thoughts swirled creating a storm in my mind “I don’t know what to do” I said to your Dad “I don’t know how to do this how to get through how to stop the hurt”, “You are doing amazingly” he replied don’t be so hard on yourself “not many people will understand” he said “as they haven’t been through something as traumatic as this”, “But I can’t even decide anything right now, I can’t decide anything about work and future direction and what I want to do as I just want to be a mum again that’s all I want and I can not focus past that”….. “You don’t need to make those decisions right now” Your Dad said to me “You need to use the no PET analogy, no pressure, no expectations, no timeframes, don’t be hard on yourself and just keep getting through each day as you do” Your Dad smiled Henry he was pretty proud of himself for coming up with that one.

As we drove home a few mums walked with their prams in our street, I couldn’t stop the tears that had started as soon as I saw as I knew that’s what I would have been doing with you on such a beautiful sunny winters day I would have taken the opportunity to take you for a walk in the sunshine and enjoy it… once we got inside I went out to the back deck to sit in the sun, as the sun poured over me I just let go, I let the tears flow, I let them just rush down my face… Today was just one of those days.

Your Dad decided he was going for a run, I managed to get myself up with the thought while he ran I would walk your fur sisters, I feel so bad for them we don’t get out with them much at the moment, so I got myself together and took them down the oval with your Dad, Snikkers was so excited she almost sounded like a siren as she tried to run out the front door, she ran with your Dad while Missy and I walked. The she ran to me and walked with us both, buggered with her tongue hanging out of her mouth but happy.

This afternoon it was back to the Dr to get my blood test results as soon as I walked in the door one of the workers from one of our local shops was there with his baby girl, they had their baby about a month or so before we had you, I had been avoiding that shop since to not have ‘that conversation’ luckily he was busy with the receptionist I moved to the side to wait as I held back tears and then one of the other GP’s who had seen me at the beginning of the pregnancy she walked past saw me stopped and hugged me and started to talk that was it tears again as she talked to me about what happened.

I finally let the receptionist know I was here and sat to wait, I could hear the cries of the little baby girl as she went in and had her needles, I heard the receptionist talking and smiling to her after they came out and everyone in the waiting room smile about her giggle as the receptionist spoke to her and her Dad…. It’s hard to describe the feeling, I am happy for others who have their babies and children and I still love to see them too, but just at times those sounds, the sight of seeing a parent with their baby, all of it is just a reminder of all we ever wanted with you but will never get.

My GP and I discussed blood test results, all good, no problems, we then discussed how things were going, instantly tears again.. I don’t usually cry in front of her I am usually ok enough to get through an appointment, we discussed different things, we talked about different avenues, I was always scared to say I might be suffering ‘anxiety’ or that I was ‘depressed’, it’s just the situation I would say to myself… “How could you not be though?” my GP asked “with what you have been dealing with” She explained it didn’t mean I needed medication as she didn’t think that was the answer in this situation and I was thankful as it wasn’t something I was keen on either… but we talked and worked together on a plan and a referral to see someone new to talk too, a psychologist, so we will see how this goes. My GP explained it isn’t going to make me ‘feel better’ as that isn’t right and won’t be the case in my situation I won’t ever ‘feel better’, it’s not going to ‘fix me’ or ‘make things move forward faster’ as that will not happen in this situation either, but she explained it gives me some support…. I was grateful for that support today as today I felt so alone.

Another thing we discussed Henry was some anxiety, that anxiety about feeling like I need to do something, about not knowing what to do about work, about not knowing any other direction other than wanting to be a mum…. “You don’t need to make those decisions now” words which echoed those your Dad had already said to me, “besides” she commented “I would be really concerned if you tried to make any of those big decisions now” as I left she stopped and gave me a big hug “You can come in and see me anytime” she said “Weekly if you need too”

I left and walked to the IGA to get milk, running in to a friend along the way, she stopped me we talked “You’ll have another baby soon” she said out of the blue “I hope so” I replied, we talked some more and I moved on my way, after getting milk I came home and your Dad gave me the biggest hug “We have done ok for such a shitty day” he said and kissed me on the forehead and kept holding me close.

Your Dad worked on his car today, your car, the special wagon… he achieved so much, I’m so proud of his hard work… I said this to him, he then with a familiar pain in his voice talked about how he would have had you in your rocker down beside him while working on the car, he told me with the tears welling in his eyes how he would have had you there beside him to watch as he would work and have a podcast on in the background… He had talked so often while I was pregnant about as you grew how he would take you out there and teach you to work on the car and work on making different things with you, how he wanted to have father and son projects to work on with you. I hope as he works on the car you show him some signs you are always close by.

Tonight Henry, tonight in the shower that longing it was there, as it crept and consumed my whole body, as I felt it take me over, I can physically feel the longing it takes over my body in the form of aches, in the form of a knot in my stomach in the form of heaviness, my whole body feels heavy and when it feels so heavy I can’t stand… those are the moments I think I don’t want to do this, those are the moments when I wish the most that I was with you, that I just want to be where you are. I was tagged in this post by a friend tonight, these words they are someone else words yet tend to describe so much of what I feel.

As I sit and type once again telling you about my days, about your Dad, about what its like without you. I think of how very much I just love you, with every inch of me that aches and is heavy it’s equally parts love…

That question.

Thursday Henry, Thursday was the day your Dad and I officially became a couple four years ago, Thursday was the day four years ago he picked me up from the airport when I had returned from Italy waiting with a big bunch of red roses and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.. I remember at the time saying to him, girlfriend sounded so young I felt like I was 16 again. But either way it was that day we made a commitment to one another, and we both knew before that commitment was made we wanted to spend our lives together, being older and wiser you are able to make those decisions faster, it was really the start of the rest of our lives.

Thursday we went to breakfast with your nanny and poppy, I then met up with a good friend and her little fella for a coffee and so he could have a play in the park, once again she gave me her time, listened to me I probably repeated things, and the conversation was easy. It was nice. I went from there to a Doctor appointment, deciding it would be good to get a blood test to see where all my crazy hormones were at and whether my body would be good for making babies, I got my referral for a blood test to be done on day 21….

Thursday night Henry, your Dad; despite us wishing the day wasn’t as it was, despite not being able to do what we had planned we would have done with you here…. your Dad he still went to the effort to begin preparing a nice dinner, he began by smoking some meat to sit before he would later cook it, after he did this we danced in the kitchen, he held my hands and held me close and we danced around silly in the kitchen… Missy not impressed by this, jumped and ran around us barking while Snikkers stood nearby, we moved around Missy moving closer to her and stepping back playfully, as we danced to tease her some more, she continued to bounce around us and we laughed, it was nice, it was so nice to dance in the kitchen with your Dad and fur sisters, how I would have loved to be dancing with you in our arms.

Once meal prep was done and put away to cook later, I suggested perhaps now might be a good time to try for a sibling for you…. except your Dad he smelt like hickory smoke from smoking the meat and tasted like beer “mmmmm hickory smoke smelling and beer breath” I said sarcastically to your dad “enough to make any girl want you” I laughed “Well ma’am is my horse still tied to the pole out the front” he replied in his really bad version of a Texan accent and I laughed so much…. This silly talk continued with us laughing and laughing…

No one needs to know the details in-between Henry, but after all our silliness I don’t know how we managed to do what we needed too.. I joked with your Dad after maybe I needed to do a handstand and stay on my head to encourage them all to swim the right way… he suggested I lay with my legs against the wall… I really feel this makes no difference, but we would do anything for sibling for you… so there I lay with my legs against the wall messaging a friend until so much blood had rushed out of my toes they went numb…. Your Dad even took a picture for me so I could send it to my friend who I was having a silly conversation with. I told my friend I am crossing everything but my legs.

Late Thursday night I completed my submission, my submission for the senate inquiry in to stillbirth, I completed and emailed it, it was done! So hard, so very hard, yet so very important to do.. I did it Henry, for you, for us, for change! I so hope that there is change.

Friday Henry I was up early to go to a retreat my lovely friend, her family and your Dad’s family had all put in for. When I arrived I sat in a room with another lady who had also just arrived, we got talking… As we sat there two other ladies arrived and they knew each other and the host of the retreat, more ladies arrived and they all knew the people there already too. I was thankful for the lady who sat near me who didn’t know everyone. As I talked to her she asked ‘the question’ ‘that question’ the one I have been dreading being asked……. “Do you have any children?” instantly tears came to my eyes I couldn’t help it, glad the others were not paying attention to our conversation I apologised to her for the tears that started and said to her “we recently lost our son” I didn’t want to not acknowledge you, I want everyone to know we have a son… It is just hard in a situation where you are not prepared and you get the question, I never knew how hard that one question would be. I wanted to be giving a different answer… I wanted to be saying I have a son Henry he is just over 2 months old, I wanted to be telling her you had just started smiling, I wanted to be telling her about how much joy you had brought to our lives and how your Dad and I just adore you….. but I guess I wouldn’t have actually even been there if you were here as I would be spending every moment I could with you.

As we sat having breakfast Henry I was quiet, by then the rest of the group had arrived, they all knew one another they began conversations, conversations around their lives and children, about how frustrating it was running after their children to sports as it takes up all the weekend, about how they were glad to be away as they never get any time to themselves…. I get it Henry I do, life can get tiresome, it would be hard trying to juggle things, but as I sat there and listened to it, as I sat there and heard the words about how running a child to sport and then the game etc took up their whole weekend and it was just too much… I thought to myself about how I would give absolutely anything to be doing that in a few years with you. I quietly excused myself from the table after I had eaten in the hope I may not get ‘that question’ again.

We did yoga there was lots of free time, lunch, lots of free time then a class to make a sugar honey and olive oil scrub… and I did get that question once more that day… do you think I was any more prepared to answer it… well no 😦 I wasn’t and the lady I got the question from this time when I answered it, immediately showed her discomfort to the answer I gave and well she not long after excused herself to go talk to someone else. I felt like the awkward lady…. The awkward lady whose baby died. I know those feelings Henry are a reflection of me, of me and my feelings… but its exactly how I felt.

I was thankful for two other ladies there, who both knew no one else…. these ladies spoke to me we talked about many different things and one of these ladies made me laugh so much… she just said things as they were, she had an enthusiasm for life and infectious personality. The other lady was soft, kind and gentle… two things I definitely needed.

I came home to your Dad that night, I came home and hugged him so tight, so glad to be in his arms, so glad to be able to release some of the day. I stood under a hot hot shower and cried, I stayed there for as long as the tears flowed.

Saturday I returned to the retreat for breakfast… I must admit the food was amazing, right up my alley, healthy fresh produce used to make amazing meals. The caterer was local and I spoke to her for a little while about her experience and how she got started doing what she had, she was nice.

After breakfast, a talk, then boxing and fitness session… there were more ladies who had joined the retreat for the Saturday, they however knew the others who were already there so kind of stuck within their groups. Then there was a speaker there, she is known for consultancy work with companies and working with women… I was looking forward to the talk I thought it may be good for me……. boy was I wrong. The talk was around making change, but it was about making change in your everyday life, to fit in the things you want to, to have a diary, a plan, a schedule and to stick to your non negotiable’s…. not what I needed, I sat I listened…. the presenter went around the room focusing on one of the multiple choice questions on the worksheet… Why do you want to make a change in your life? she went around the room… the answers on the sheet were things like career, skills, challenge, financial, satisfaction etc etc… none of the answers suited me, the discussion didn’t apply to me when she got to me, Henry I looked at her and said “I can’t answer that, I have just been through a traumatic event in my life and none of this applies right now” everyone stared at me, they looked and just stared until she continued going around the room.

The presenter pulled me aside when we broke for lunch, she said to me “You really probably won’t get anything out of today” I stared at her, I made polite conversation, I tried to be positive and said “Oh I’ll take what I can” but in that moment, I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt so disappointed for my friends, for family who had put in for and paid for this, for me to be there Henry out of the kindness of their hearts out of wanting to help. I knew they had spoken to the lady who had organised it all, she assured them that it would be suitable and yet here I was and it wasn’t and I was just told that.

I sat out the rest of the talk Henry, I sat and listened as busy mums, busy mums with businesses, children, lifestyles talked about what they would now like to have or schedule in to their lives… some of the answers I just cringed, I sunk in to my chair, as some said they were going to schedule in time to play with their children as they don’t do that, or even discussion around time to hug their children…. ‘you need to schedule time for that’ I thought to myself… I couldn’t believe it, I know everyone gets caught up in life, I know people work hard for what they have… but to listen to someone say they don’t have time to play with their child or hug them! When I would love to be hugging you, holding you close, singing to you, playing blocks as you grew, pretending to drive cars with you, watching you ride. I sat deflated as I couldn’t even think how I can get through each day right now, let alone scheduling it down to even the simple things people should enjoy in life.

I walked outside afterwards for fresh air, I breathed in. The two ladies who I had been talking to most walked outside too, it was interesting to see they did not get too much out of the talk too.. It made me think and we all discussed the important things in life.. Each to their own, I respect so many people who work so hard and have the finer things in life.. But for me in that moment I said despite what is going on Henry, despite missing you with every fibre of my being, I felt grateful.. I felt grateful for the life your Dad and I share, that we often laugh together, that we always make time to enjoy life together such as go to the beach before I would start work, stand up paddle board when I would get home, garden, cook and be. Your dad and I truly value time together Henry and for that I am so grateful as that is what is important to me.

One lady had given an answer in the talk, she gave an answer that I loved and it took me back to Thursday, she said she wanted to make sure she danced in the kitchen to one song with her family once a week! I have to say I hope your dad and I continue to dance in the kitchen and feel you near, and that we do this with your siblings too.

That night Henry when I got home, when I walked in the door, your Dad and two of our amazing friends were there, they all greeted me with a smile and a glass of champagne, they listened about my day, we enjoyed some laughs and drinks over an amazing meal cooked by your Dad, we laughed we talked, there was guitar playing and singing. It was just what I needed, they were just there, they were there in the moments we laughed, sang together and joked and there in the moments when I shed a few tears. That night as we went to bed Henry, your dad as I walked in our bedroom, tried to hide his face, I hugged him I saw his tears running down his face, he still cries for you too.

I came across this blog post Henry and it resonated with me, it did so because it talked about what I just have, about friends just being there about them being there whether you are laughing or crying, about how they can be there and not know what to say, about how life has changed and we will never be the same….. ‘4. Realize that your friend has been forever changed by the loss of her baby. Don’t expect her to be exactly the same. And please realize that grief has its own time table. Allow her the time she needs, and remain supportive. Everyone grieves differently.’

Sunday your Dad and I had a lazy day Henry, a lazy day at home which I needed, I thought of you often as I always do. I thought of how we would have had you out in the sunshine if you were here, I thought of how much I just want to be holding you and your siblings in my aching arms.

Today Henry, I struggled when I woke up, motivation is hard to find. As I lay in bed I thought about how worried I am this feeling, this hurting this aching won’t soften, I thought about how sometimes I would give anything to make it go away. I eventually got myself up. Your Dad and I headed to my PT session, he decided he would join in today… as we sat in the car and waited until my beautiful PT finished up with her client before us… I said to your Dad “I just do not have any motivation it is just not there, I feel like the days go so slow, but then I look at the time that’s passed and I feel like its slipping away I know November will come and I will need to make decisions about work yet I can’t I don’t think I can do it” “You don’t need to worry about that yet” your Dad replied “Just take each day as it comes” tears flowed softly down my cheeks “I know” I said. Sometimes Henry, I need to remind myself not to be so hard on myself, to expect myself to have it all together, to expet myself to know what to do….

Your Dad and I worked hard during the PT session I was proud of him Henry, he did well, he almost kept up with me 😉 it felt good to exercise, it felt good to be in the sun.

After we got home and your Dad got a haircut I had a healthy lunch, I made it, I did something. We went to Bunnings to get some things to make a screen for your garden. As we got home I said to your Dad “I want to fast forward time” he replied “I know I am not even going to say not to think that, to say we would miss out on things if we did as I feel the same”, Henry sometimes I want time to stop, sometimes I want to not wake up and other times I want time to fast forward, I want it to fast forward so so quickly to be holding your siblings in my arms, to know what it’s like to have that crying baby here to show that love, all the things I had wanted with you. I can not explain that, the longing for this, how much I want it, and the fear, the fear that day may never arrive.

It’s my birthday soon Henry, your Dad keeps asking what I want, but the things I want you can’t buy, if you could I would have you here. I would walk in to that store with you in my arms and buy 7 more and maybe some more puppies too. My birthday Henry will be another reminder, a reminder of what I don’t have, of the one thing I will always want. It’s a reminder I am getting older, the clock is ticking, a reminder of things I don’t want to remember but yet never want to forget.

So much love to you our Henry, our star, the little boy who made me a mum, the little boy who will always have every inch of my heart.

I try…..

To “move on”
Is to put something behind you
Forget about it
and never look back

To “go on”
is to forever
carry it forward with you
and never forget

A bereaved parent
will never move on
we simply go on.

~Tammy Brown~

I try Henry, oh how damn hard I try…. I am trying as much as I possibly can, to get up each day, to do, to move, to be, to do what I think I should, to do what others think I should but you know what some days everything is just so hard. People have their opinions, their ideas on what they think you should do, on where they think you should be at, on how they think you should be going…. but unless they have lost a child how can they truly know? how can they understand?. I try often to think of ways to explain, to be able to help them understand but they can’t unless they are wearing these shoes and I don’t want anyone to have to wear them….. Ever!

The only way I can explain it to everyone Henry, is that there is no quick fix, there is nothing that can make this better, that can make the pain just magically go away, a part of us has been lost, our identity shattered and to rebuild around that loss takes time, lots of time and we won’t be built the same, the pain it will only soften with time but never disappear, the sadness will be less severe but will still exist, the love will always remain and right now, right now we need people who can sit with us in the rain, we need those who don’t mind getting a little wet, those who are happy to take us as we are, whether that’s smiling and able to face the day or wanting to hide away from everyone, we need those who are willing to see us sad and angry and accept that’s how we need to be right now and not try to change that….. but just be with us in all those moments and reach out a hand and say ‘its ok’, ‘yes it really sucks’, ‘we hear you’, ‘its alright to cry’.

Wednesday night Henry, as your Dad and I lay in bed and cuddled up as it was cold, we both lay awake in silence listening to Snikkers snore…. when the kitchen tap turned on slightly for a good 30 seconds then off again. “was that the kitchen?” your Dad asked me, “Sure was” I replied “Hey buddy” your Dad said to you “we love you” he then said to me “he’s letting us know we need to try for Arthur and Martha” “Oh ok” I said “well we better get to it then” but then we couldn’t stop laughing as I remembered the song and thought of your Dad talking to them down there too. It was nice to have a sign from you.

Yesterday Henry, yesterday your Dad and I decided we needed to set an alarm, so we did we set it for 7am, we still were not very successful at getting up at that time but we set the alarm all the same which I feel is a start. We eventually got ourselves together and went for a nice walk Gerringong to Kiama coast walk, we didn’t do the whole walk but part of it, each week we will try to do a little bit more. We stopped as I talked too and fed the cows, we walked to the cliffs edge to look out onto the ocean for whales, although we only saw the splash right out in the distance almost on the horizon, but we spent time out in nature out in the fresh air.. It was something.

Your Nanny came to visit in the afternoon, we chatted with her while we ate our lunch, your Dad then went to begin working on your car, our car.. Your Nanny and I continued to talk I updated her on some things. We talked about you, about how things could have been different, about the hurting, the anger, everything… There is so much to your story people don’t know, but that will be revealed with time.

After your Nanny left I found myself tired, exhausted I lay on the lounge trying to sleep but my body only allowed me to rest, I felt the aching muscles from my PT session the day before, at least that’s a good ache, unlike the ache I have constantly for you. I rested until your Dad came inside when I hugged him so tight and then went to shower to try to get warm, your Dad cooked us an amazing dinner and we watched Masterchef on the lounge. Your Dad is doing so well at looking after us.

It’s so hard Henry, the wanting…. the wanting you here in our arms, the wanting another baby, the not being able to focus beyond the grief, the not being able to focus past having a sibling for you. Everyone says to you, you don’t know that type of love until you have a child, I used to listen to them, I used to think ‘ok’, I used to look at your fur sisters and know I love them as family and thought it was the same…. But since having you ‘I get it’ I now understand…. The love we have for you is unlike any other, and we just want to be able to show that love in the way parents do. My mind, my heart, my everything can’t focus beyond wanting you here so I can mother you and wanting to be a mother to more, to your siblings, I never would have thought that your Dad and I could create something so so perfect and I absolutely pray, I say out loud, I wish with all I have that we can do it again. It’s such an emotional ride.

Last night Henry as we walked Missy outside to go to the toilet we looked up at the few stars between the clouds as we always do and said goodnight to you, said goodnight and told you we loved you, your Dad and I went to bed. He made me laugh by talking to his gonads again, I made him laugh by talking to them too. Your Dad said to me “Maybe we need to be talking to your ovaries to” I responded “Like what, are you talking about how like when they talk positively to plants, that they grow better, you think my ovaries will release better eggs if we talk to them” “ooooookkkkkaaayyy” he replied not knowing what I was saying about the plants. Either way Henry between the two of us our comments and we continued the conversation until we both laughed, we are never going to be able to make you a sibling at this rate as we end up with so much silliness it’s distracting…

Later in the night as it went on, I could not switch off, the darker the night got outside the darker my thoughts become. I relived moments in the hospital over and over in my mind. I had the storm clouds brewing, they created the perfect storm in my mind as doubt, what if, guilt and anxiety crept in tapping me on the shoulders and deciding to keep my mind company, as much as I tried to switch off I couldn’t as much as I told myself those thoughts are not serving me they stayed. I was swept up in to the hurricane of sadness and couldn’t escape. By 3am I couldn’t bear it anymore, my body began to shake, familiar tears started and fell on to my pillow to create a release your Dad who was beside me and already awake held me close to him as I let those tears fall fast in to my pillow trying not to let the sounds of my sobs and tears come out to loud in to the early hours of the morning.

This morning we stayed in bed for a while as the rain poured outside “I don’t want to get up” I said to your Dad “Don’t” he said back, but I knew, I knew you would want us to try Henry, so for you I did we got up and went for a coffee. We then later moved on to helping our friend move some more stuff to her new home, then it was on to Kiama as your Dad wanted to go to the farmer’s market there, I was filled with dread as we hadn’t been back yet, we would go every Wednesday before when I was pregnant with you after I would finish work, even when your Dad was on shift and couldn’t make it if I wasn’t away for work I would usually go.

As we got to the market the huge knot in my stomach tightened, anxiety like I have never felt before… what do I say when they ask about you? I thought to myself, what do I say without falling completely apart as I try to explain… you our baby, the one I carried in my tummy for 39 weeks, the one they would ask each week “how long now?” the one they said they couldn’t wait to see and to make sure we brought you along once you arrived…. and that Henry was another one of our plans, we had planned to take you each week to the farmers market, to get our fresh produce as we had always done, to show you off to the stall owners. I had imagined it in my mind thousands of times taking you there, your Dad and I enjoying s relaxing afternoon, planning what we might cook for the week, buying our ingredients and showing off our beautiful baby boy, we’d be the beaming parents as they would look at you, but again no, another plan, another outing, a dream shattered and just adds to the list of things we don’t get to do with you.

I feel like we’ve been robbed, robbed of the most precious thing to ever bless our lives.

As we walked around the markets we managed to avoid questions from where we get our wagyu as they were extremely busy, one fruit and veg stall we normally go to I just couldn’t I said to your Dad I can’t. I know they will ask, so he said “That’s ok” and we went to another one we wouldn’t normally but I just couldn’t face those questions today. I couldn’t bring myself to go to the potato farmer, as he had a baby boy just after us, I couldn’t go to the guy who I used to buy coffee from every Wednesday…. My anxiety was so high I felt so on edge, like I could be tipped over that edge at any moment by the slightest comment. I can’t stand feeling this way, being like this but it’s our reality now…. Some days we are going to have to face that hard question, today I couldn’t.

As we left the markets and got in to the car I just broke, I have said before how this was like riding a bike and some days you manage to ride along smoothly with small hills, other days you have to walk the bike as you might come across grass or mud and some days the bike crashes and you have to get back up again, I felt like today not only did the bike crash but that as I picked it up I must have thrown it hard down on to the ground again and stomped on it several times…. I think I need a new bike.

The tears fell in silence on the way home, as I thought of how I just want to be showing you off to our friends and family, to strangers and our neighbours, to market stall holders and shop keepers, I thought about how you should be almost 9 weeks old, about how I should be navigating being at home with you and your dad having returned to work, how I would have been thinking about taking you to a local play group, about how I would be taking you out for play dates with friends…… Even my emails decided to remind me today that by now you would have begun smiling at us, I had forgotten I subscribed to ongoing emails during pregnancy about pregnancy updates then baby ones and when I saw that email today, a knife well and truly stabbed me in the heart.

“Do you think the twins will have as much hair as the H man” your Dad said to me on the way home to try to cheer me up, he mentions siblings for you often I think as his way to keep us going, to keep us focused, to keep us thinking there will be some joy in our lives once more… I love that your Dad does that, even when I can not keep up the positivity he does at times, I am so blessed that he tries.

I have been thinking a lot Henry, a lot about ways to raise awareness and help others, I come up with so many ideas and things and some days I feel like I can do them and others not…. the thing I have had to remind myself of is that its small steps, such small small steps and one at a time, I have to allow myself the time I need as well, so I have to recognise the small steps I am taking, by just speaking up I know I am raising awareness, by my letters to you I am letting others know it’s ok to talk about it, I am letting those who don’t know get an insight in to the impact this has on couples on families. I have my submission to the parliamentary inquiry… that’s another step, another step in helping…. I have a few small things I can’t mention going on that will help to ensure this doesn’t happen to anyone else… so I have to remind myself I am doing it… slowly but surely I am and my bigger ideas, they will come to life with time.

To my darling Henry, our beautiful boy, know, please know you are so very loved, so treasured and we feel so blessed to have you. xx

All I want……

Oh Henry, how much I just absolutely wish with all of my being that you were here. It has been a busy few days, Thursday Henry I went to get my hair done, as always now there is some anxiety there, going out not knowing who you may see, what may be said… So I went with that feeling in the pit of my stomach telling myself it would be good for me.

Once there my hairdresser handed me her new salon dog ‘Gertie’…… sweet little strange Gertie with her cross eyes and little tongue that consistently hangs out of her mouth, I held on to Gertie the whole time I was there, patting her as she settled to sleep on my lap. It offered me some comfort while I was there. After getting my hair done Henry it was off for a counselling appointment, where I talked, talked a lot, cried, talked some more… apparently I am doing all the right things, apparently I am taking time, I am writing, I am grieving….. If I am doing it all right, why does it all feel so wrong?

Thursday afternoon I met up with a beautiful lady, one who I have mentioned before she lost her beautiful twin boys, we met for coffee, she listened to me, she listened to me talk about you, how I was angry, how I was sad, how it will with time get different. We talked about her boys, we talked about her experience too. We talked about her boys she has here looking after as well as the ones in her heart and heaven.. She gave a me a special gift to put on my keys… She gave me this gift because she knows I had been questioning if I was a mum, The key ring says Henry’s mum. She wanted me never to doubt the mum that i am… She also pointed out how I could move it around in my fingers, it wasn’t until she said this that I realised how often I do that now, as I was sitting talking to her I had been fiddling with my ring the whole time, when at the counsellor I had been twisting the tissue around and around in my hand. Thursday I managed ok.

I dreamt of you, I dreamt of you again Henry, in my dream after I gave birth they pulled you on to my chest as they had done, you were silent as we were told you would be, but then in my dream after taking you in, your arm the slightest movement… there it was and again, you were alive, I was so overwhelmed with joy and so thankful I hugged you harder in to my chest as your Dad and I cried tears of joy and relief… This dream felt so damn real, It was so hard waking up to our reality.. In my dreams I get to be with you, I get to be the mum I thought I would be, I get to see your beautiful face, my dreams are the best place to be, sometimes I feel like it would be better not to wake at all.

Friday Henry was hard, in the afternoon I worked on my submission for the enquiry in to stillbirth and some other important correspondence, it was hard seeing all of that in front of me, I spent hours on these things and once I stopped I broke, I couldn’t stop the storm that was going to start as tears rolled down my cheeks, your Dad Henry was out so I phoned one of my best friends and I talked to her until he got home.

Friday night we had your Nanny, Poppy and uncle over for dinner….. after dinner we helped a beautiful friend move some things in to her new place. It felt good to be able to help her. After we got back home your uncle and Dad went out, I couldn’t sleep, I looked at one of my favourite photos of you on my phone, I looked at it with so much love and just thinking of how perfect you truly are I shared it, as I want everyone else to see it too, too perfect for this shit world and that’s how I feel, you certainly are our sweet boy. You are way to perfect. I looked again and again at your picture as I just love you so much and thought of how unfair it is, this life….. the one without you.

Saturday Henry, I struggled to get up, I pushed myself to get out of bed and got the day started.. We decided to go sit in the sun with a coffee, I noticed a black mark on your Dads shirt “You have a mark there” I said to him pointing at his chest, “That’s just my boob shadow” Was his reply “they have gotten bigger they create a shadow now” he said I laughed… Your Dad began planning things he needed from the shop and asked if I needed anything “A new life” I replied to him “I don’t think they sell those at IGA” he said “We may have to go to BWS I am pretty sure they have them there” I laughed at your Dad’s bad dad joke “Put that in your letters” he said to me laughing at himself, for someone who doesn’t read my letters Henry he sure wants to make sure he is in them.

Later that day your Dad and I went to help our friend again, we helped her move items to her new home, which is in Gerroa not too far from the beach where we scattered your ashes in to the water. She is moving in to a house behind one of the cafe’s we used to go to quite often but haven’t managed to get back too since. As we moved things from the car in to the house one of the beautiful young girls who works there who we had gotten to know quite well, she came outside and she hugged me, we talked she told me how incredibly strong she thought I was and we hugged again, it was good to see her, its amazing how many people were so excited about you Henry and couldn’t wait to see you here.

Once we moved everything in, we helped to build from a flat pack our beautiful friends bunk beds for her two girls, Your Dad and I worked together as a team, there was no arguing, nothing we worked seamlessly together getting the job done, I looked out the window towards the ocean and I wondered what sort of bed we would have gotten you one day, where we would be living when you were five, would we still have been where we are, I thought about how when I was pregnant with you I had already thought of what your room might look like as you grew, how we would get you a donut looking cushion for your bed as your Dad loves donuts, how you would have lego and toys, so many books on the shelf, in my mind when I carried you so many hopes for the future and adventures planned….. Now I struggle to get up to face each day without you.

Saturday night we had two friends over from your Dad’s work, your Dad and I prepared and he cooked two courses and I made dessert, it was amazing food. I remember before they got there I had tears saying to your Dad I don’t know how to do this, your Dad said we get each other through day by day. It was a nice night, by the end of the night I fought back the tears as that sadness crept up on me and tapped me on the shoulder and said to me “I’m back” I managed to fight back the tears until they left.

Sunday Henry your Dad was going to the football, the state of origin in fact, your Dad Henry loves his football. So he was going on a bus with friends from his work, going to be gone the whole day until the early hours the next morning, after he walked out the door I cried, I cried because it’s hard now, your Dad and I are like a security for each other, I cried as I never want anything to happen to him. I cried as I wonder each day how we continue to get through this pain.

My closest friend, she came to visit me Henry, drove all the way from Sydney to come and spend the day with me, she walked in the door and we hugged one another after greeting the puppies and talking for a bit we decided to go and get coffee and visit your part of the beach, as we approached there was an eagle, again always an eagle… we sat on the sand for hours talking, talking about life, about how I don’t know what to do, how it feels like this pain of losing you will never lift, we talked about directions and not having any, we just talked about everything. She stayed with me until late. She sat with me in the moments I cried, she agreed when I said this wasn’t fair we agreed it was shit.

When I went to bed last night Henry my thoughts of you raced, I wondered how we keep going, what we do, how does this pain get lighter, I hugged your cushion tight to my chest. I scrolled through instagram for a distraction as I looked at some of the posts I thought about how I didn’t care what was a bargain a Kmart or about that skincare product how can I care about those things when my heart hurts, my arms ache and I just want you. I have on instagram unfollowed all of the pages I had followed with baby products, all of the ones I followed with cute little clothes I wanted to buy for you, I can’t bear to see the pictures of baby clothes, the specials for nappies, the babies they use in pictures wrapped tightly in their mothers arms.

Today Henry I didn’t want to get up when I woke I cuddled your Dad tightly hoping if I just shut my eyes I might fall back to sleep, yet as always thoughts ran through my head, reality sunk heavily in…. There was no going back to sleep. I got myself up with enough time to get ready and go to a PT session, as the sunshine hit my skin I got stuck in to it, my wonderful PT and I chatted when I wasn’t running out of breath, we talked about lots of things….. she asked me if I had thought about things I might like to do, my reply to her was all I wanted was to be a mum, as I said it I felt that familiar anguish “I just can’t think of anything else as that’s all I want” I said to her glad my sunglasses hid the tears that were forming in my eyes “How do I let go of it when all I want is to be looking after my baby, when that is what I should be doing” I said to her…. my identity Henry is lost, it was lost the moment we lost you.

I came home and your Dad and I went out for a while, as we drove past the doctor surgery I go to, as we did a mum, dad and their newborn walked out the door… Your dad saw them too “The universe is testing us” he said “The universe hates me” I replied.. “You are an amazing mum” he said to me “and you will be a mum to more soon” “I hope so” I said… I try Henry, I really do try to remain positive about it as everyone says, but how do I? how do I when it took so long for you to arrive? how do I when you were taken away in an instant? There is no guarantee, when people say “You can have another” well you know what it doesn’t replace you…. and no there is nothing that says for sure we can… “Everything happens for a reason” well no, unfortunately that is something I can not believe, I can not believe that, as there is no reason for you to be gone, for you to be taken from us, there is no possible good reason why this could have happened… Sometimes really messed up shit things happen to good people, sometimes they happen to not so good people, but I won’t live my life believing everything happens for a reason as why would the world be so cruel.

I got a phone call from a beautiful work colleague, she phoned to see how we were, she talked to me letting me know she did not know what to say, she talked about my letters to you and how she reads them and how she can feel the raw emotion through my words, she reassured me you will never be forgotten. It was a beautiful call to receive.

I received another phone call today, a phone call from someone following up on some things for us, I had been doing ok until this call… I was travelling alright but you can’t choose when something might trigger you, you can not choose when it all might get too much, when it may build and build and build….. and you break.. After this phone call I came inside and just uncontrollable sobs on the lounge as your Dad came and hugged me tightly…. after a while he got me a hanky and then he hugged me tight and asked “hot shower or bath?” I nodded “Hot shower, bath or cannabis” he then joked laughing… “Option C” I replied laughing and crying in to his shoulder, he then sat me on the lounge. Your dad moved to get a piece of paper and came back out of the kitchen with this and a box of matches… Your Dads version of pretend cannabis to make me laugh.. I’m not sure smokey mint with paper would be the same but it made me laugh, enough to get myself up and go run a bath.

I look at your beautiful room Henry, set up for you with so much love. I look at the loving things people bought in anticipation of your arrival, of things your Dad and I set up, I wonder some days what do I do with it? Are there things we should keep? Are there things that should go? whether it is here or there or gone, it doesn’t take away what we are feeling, it will not take away the hurt, it will not take away the aching, the missing, the thoughts, it won’t take away the love either. All that love we have for you.

Faces of grief.

Yesterday Henry, I did ok, I couldn’t keep still… I needed to be busy. I went to get a coffee in the morning, go to an appointment. After this your Dad and I came home to have something good to eat and I was off on to my next appointment, this all took up a lot of the day which was good. It is good sometimes to be really busy at other times its tiring. But yesterday I navigated through the day ok.

I started typing my submission in to the parliamentary enquiry in to stillbirth, that was difficult, it was hard to see the words on the screen in front of me, starting to tell our story. Our story about you, about how it all went wrong, about how things could have been different. It is confronting putting all of those details together in front of me. I got a phone call not long after I started from a really good friend to check in, it was welcome and nice distraction. It’s a friend I have talked about before and worked with her, she’s like a mum to me, we talked about you about how we were feeling about work and how I don’t feel up to going back, not that I need to make any decisions there right now as I still have my paid maternity leave.

Last night Henry, last night a beautiful friend dropped a card and letter in our letterbox, Your Dad brought it in and handed it to me, I sat and opened it. The card was from four people, four people who have contributed and organised to a workshop that is running soon, a workshop they thought might be good for me, may help me to find some peace and work out some direction, the workshop is called Stand Tall workshop and retreat will be held next weekend, along with these four people your Dad’s family…. who are my family contributed to this as well, they all put in together to be able to send me to the retreat. I was so shocked as I read the words put in to the card as I looked at what had been done, I cried. I cried and wondered how anyone would do this for me. So next weekend I will spend my days at this retreat its close by so I will be coming home at nights to be with your Dad. It is such a beautiful gesture and I am still in some shock.Â

Last night as your Dad and I went to bed, the plan was to read, but your Dad decided he was tired and would go to sleep, but as usual couldn’t sleep. We talked about siblings for you again “It would all be practising at the moment wouldn’t it?” your Dad asked “Well yeah” I replied “there’s only that slim chance each month, only a couple of days” we continued to talk as your Dad made jokes, ‘Arthur and Martha’ is the name he has given to your siblings in the interim. “Do I need to talk to them like you do?” I asked your Dad laughing at him, referring to while we were away and he had spoken to his gonads….. Theres a song Henry that goes like this ‘Hello muddah hello fuddah here I am at camp Granada’ your dad often sings it “Hello Arthur, hello Martha” I started singing your Dad laughing, I couldn’t think of a second line then finally sang to him “Hello Arthur, Hello Martha its time to come out of your father” we both started laughing “Good job” said your Dad “although you know we will not be able to take this seriously at all, we will think of that song all the time now” “Well” I said “I can’t sing it now anyway as we don’t want them to come out yet, their friends can but not Arthur and Martha” I replied “Oh they are all Arthur’s and Martha’s in there” he said to me “Oh ok I am glad I know how it works now” I said and sang it one more time to make us both laugh. Your Dad says I shouldn’t write this in my letter Henry, he thinks the car to take me away may pull up out the front..

Your poor Dad Henry didn’t get much sleep last night, he was up and down with a stomach bug, so we both were tired. This morning Henry I woke up so very sad, I felt so much sadness, crying and crying as I thought about many different things and circumstances, my mind trying to make sense of so much, but it will all never make sense…… no matter what none of it brings you back. I cried in to my pillow trying to will myself to get up for the day ahead. I messaged a friend who has been through this many years ago, who had lost her two beautiful baby boys, twins. ‘please tell me this shit gets easier’ I started my message off with ‘ I’m not gonna lie… it doesn’t get easier it just sits next to you differently…’ was part of her reply.

This morning as I got out of the shower Henry and your Dad got in, we compared bellies, we did this so often as my belly grew with you, since your birth mines gone down, your Dad has gone up. I shook mine a little “I am proud of this” I said to your Dad “I am so proud of it and the other changes in my body, as my body did an amazing job carrying our baby our Henry”.. “You should be proud” your Dad replied “and I am glad that you are”. It’s the first time Henry I have been truly happy with my body and haven’t cared about the bumps or extra lumps or if I don’t fit in to those jeans. This body of mine carried you with so much love.

We finally got ourselves going and decided to spend some time outdoors, we headed to blackhead to see if we could see any whales, Something we had planned to do with you most mornings… Something we used to do so much while I was pregnant with you, on your Dads days off and before I would start work we would go get a coffee and chocolate milkshake and go sit or stand overlooking the water… As we stood there this morning watching I was drinking my coffee and I felt ill, It was like deja vu “I feel sick” I said to your Dad “I don’t feel well I feel like I am going to be sick” the only problem was that feeling of wanting to vomit was like a trigger as it reminded me of morning sickness 😦 so many things are a reminder and having suffered HG with you I was sick a lot.

We decided to head home I wanted to work more on my submission when we got there, but on the way home I got a call from the hospital, the call made me angry, it got to me, I spent the next hour or so angry until your Dad said to me “Let’s go walk on the beach” so we did, we drove to the beach and walked barefoot across the sand your dad being brave at first and feeling the water with his feet, “It’s freezing” he exclaimed trying to get me to walk in, finally I did I walked and let the water rush over my feet, it didn’t feel to bad, I wondered is this because my body wanted to feel numb I stayed there and walked in a bit further “come on Kristy Jean come out of the water” your Dad said to me and I walked back to hug him, truth is though Henry so often I just want to walk in to that water and have it swallow me whole.

It was good to walk on the sand in the sun even though the wind was cold. we walked for as long as we could just taking in our surroundings, I feel like sometimes my eyes look down more these days, maybe it’s because its hard to see ahead, its hard to look forward when all you want to do is go back in time.

I looked in the mirror today Henry, I looked at the bags under my eyes, I looked at the dark circles, I looked at my tired skin, this Henry this is the face of my grief. I cried, as I cried I realised I barely take photos anymore, If I do I make sure my sunglasses are on. I look down instead of looking ahead. Once I wiped my tears I snapped a picture. This is what grief looks like today. Tomorrow it could look a little different, tomorrow there could be a smile over the pain, my eyes might show a little bit of brightness… but each day it’s there… and it’s changed me.

Today has been so damn hard Henry, I have cried so many times, I have just felt angry and then sad, then angry then sad again. I miss you so much. Today I have even questioned am I Mum? As its hard to feel like one when I am not looking after you… I said to your Dad after we ate dinner “Its been a really tough day”, “That is ok” said your Dad “just let it be and feel it” I nodded and hugged him, I decided to have a hot shower as I haven’t been feeling well this afternoon. As I stood in the shower the hot water pouring down over me I felt the tears, tears turned in to sobs as I felt I couldn’t stand I crouched in the bottom of the shower “I just want you here if only” I said to myself going through all the if only’s in my mind “I just want you Henry” I said out loud between sobs. My body aching, my throat hurting. I just don’t know that I am a Mum I thought to myself. I know I am your Mum Henry and I am so very proud to be your mum, but I must admit it’s not easy being a mum to an angel.

Take me to where it doesn’t hurt so much…

Friday Henry, Friday was a good day, I felt ok which was nice… your Dad and I visited Port Arthur historical site which is an old penitentiary for convicts. The site now has remains of the buildings including the goal, churches and homes some able to be restored to original full condition others were just barely shells of the buildings. The first name we came across was yours Henry… of course being a historical site and an old-fashioned name it was going to happen, but the first information sign I looked at had your name.

We completed the walking tour with a guide then wandered on our own, there was an eerie feeling around the place and you can imagine the things that went on, as we walked in the remains of what used to be the hospital your Dad said to me “I wonder if the very bottom room was the morgue” maybe it was…..
As we walked around dark grey clouds moved quickly first in the distance then over head and above us, they made for great photos with the old buildings behind. As we got close to the end we got to an area where there used to be a cafe, this is where in more recent times in 1996 an awful massacre occurred, as we walked this area and the memorial garden, this was the most eerie of it all and as I read the names of the people who were killed that day, my heart ached for them, it ached for them and their families, those who have had to go in without their loved ones, those who lost their loved ones that day unexpectedly and in such awful circumstances, I will never know their exact pain, but with the pain I feel over losing you I can only imagine it hurts like that does, that they have felt the aching, the despair.

After leaving port Arthur your Dad and I headed to McHenry distillery which was close by, yet another Henry appearing again! We spent some time tasting gin and talking to the ladies there, who were kind and lovely to talk with. We left with three bottles as we headed back to get some lunch and back to sit by the fire and keep warm… Friday Henry I coped well.

Saturday Henry was a different story, Saturday was our day to come home. It’s so hard to explain the mixed feelings that spread throughout my whole body, anxiousness felt right in to the pit of my stomach, it twisted it turned like you might turn your spaghetti to wrap it around your fork, so many turns, the anxiousness I think, was the not knowing how I would feel returning to our home, our home without you, then there was sadness, so much sadness… I was drowning in those waves again. I said to your Dad and kept thinking in my mind “just take me to where it does not hurt so much” I have to ask is there such a place? will there ever be?

Your Dad started his tassie song to make me laugh, Henry your Dad is so very amazing Henry. As we sat at the airport he told me how this week coming up we would cook and look after ourselves better, how we were going to try to get some routine back. He is trying to be so strong your Dad, so strong.

As we sat at the airport a couple with a little boy who I would guess was about 18 months old sat beside us, the little boy looked at me with his big blue eyes “plane” he said I smiled at him “Are you going on the plane?” I asked he smiled back… “it’s his first flight today” his proud mum beamed smiling as she said it… “Oh wow that’s very exciting” I replied smiling at her, as they waited she sat on the floor with the little boy and his cars and trucks from his bag they pushed them back and forwards to one another… Such precious moments, moments I will never get with you… I long to be able to play cars with you! Your Dad and I had talked while I was pregnant how Friday nights when you were bigger would be lego night, we had looked forward to when you were older being able to buy you lego and just spread it all out on a Friday night and sit and build with you… we had smiled when we talked about it, if only….

Arriving home was bittersweet, your fur sisters as always were excited to see us.. Snikkers pawed at me and wouldn’t leave my side, Missy ran excitedly around and back and forwards to us both. Snikkers tail wouldn’t stop, I leant down to her near the floor and held on to her as tears filled my eyes. We arrived home to some beautiful things in the mail Henry, a friend of mine sent me a beautiful key ring with your name, it is shaped as a boy and an angel wing attached, another friend of mine sent us a candle with a photograph of you with your Dad and I as the label, with the saying love you to the moon and back… she had previously bought for your room a heart with that saying, I remember the day she gave it to me I was 16 weeks pregnant with you I had told her how special that saying was to us when she gave me that heart, as I always said it to your Dad and he replies to the street light and beyond.. a little joke we have with one another… I also had a special card with three butterfly pins inside, such beautiful gestures… not to mention a special note and a delivery of some wine, beer and yummy bread from some friends too.
We have kept every card, note, letter written to us and for you.. I keep them all in a special box marked with a H that a friend gave to us.

As we unpacked and spent time with the puppies, your Nanny and Poppy dropped over we spoke with them for a while.. after they left and it came time to bed I broke, the anxiousness, the sadness, the longing, the pain had all built up….. I broke it finally came out your Dad hugged me tight as I sobbed in to his chest “I would have given my life for him to be here, I would have” I cried “I know I would have too” replied your dad and held me tighter “It’s been too long since I got to hold him” I said to your dad between sobs “I’m here we will get through this” he said to me, I held on to your Dad so tightly as I couldn’t stop the tears “I just want our baby boy that’s all I want I don’t want anything in this world just him” I said as the sobs became harder “Me too” said your Dad “me too”… The tears wouldn’t stop when they finally did I fell asleep.

Sunday Henry, Sunday I woke up to Missy wanting to go outside I took her out then jumped back in to bed, your Dad slept and slept… I lay awake.. Eventually when we got up while your Dad showered, I went in to your room to water the plant I had bought and placed in there before you were born… My friend who was staying with us to look after the puppies she came in to your room, instantly tears filled her eyes “It hurts so much I am hurting for you and Tim” she said “look at all his beautiful things” I showed her the dog pyjamas I had bought for you to wear and told her about how I had bought them as I had wanted us all to have dog pyjamas in winter, I have mentioned this in my letters before, it wasn’t; until I looked at them I realised on the dog bowls it has the letters HM… They are hairy maclary pyjamas so I know the HM is there for that, but it’s just so funny I bought them while you were still in my belly before we knew your name and they are your initials HM… They will always be your little pj’s maybe one day your sibling might wear them..
I got them out of the box and went in to your Dad who had just dressed “look at this in Henry’s pyjamas they have HM” your Dad looked and tears filled his eyes straight away, he hugged me then tried to hide his tears, I went and got him a clean hanky from the line and hugged him again.

We went shopping for some fruit and veg, so we can try, so we can try this week to be a little healthier, try to get some routine.. our lives have changed so very much, Your Dad talked to me on the way to the shops about ‘the twins'”It will happen for us, before you know we will be chasing Henry’s siblings around”

Last night Henry your Dad got home, he got home and after eating his dinner, I noticed he put a status up about appreciating the little things in life, how once you have something life changing happen you’ll wish for yesterday, I know your Dad doesn’t let it out as much as I or say as much and that’s his way, but I knew reading that he was hurting… I looked over to him and he was crying, I hugged him tight, your Dad tries not to cry too much, he later cried again, he went in the kitchen but I could hear him I let him be, I let him be there so the tears would come out freely without stopping as I know he doesn’t always like me to know when he’s crying so I let him let them out and later hugged him again letting him know how much I love him.

When we went to bed your Dad and I had trouble sleeping once again, both still wide awake at midnight, I eventually fell asleep and noticed when waking up this morning that your dad had sent me something at 3am, meaning he was awake then too, your dad had said before Henry that it’s often the time he is awake and sad and trying to distract his thoughts. That is the time his storm starts, that’s the time the lightning and thunder hit in his mind, the time where he tries to find some shelter from that storm but is usually left in the pouring rain.

As we both woke this morning we looked down at missy on her bad, she was right on the edge almost falling off “Missy is only just hanging on” your Dad said to me, “I am too but in a different way” I replied “me too” your Dad replied “I am only just hanging on like this” as he pulled the tiniest bit of my pyjama shirt in-between two of his fingers “I love you I am here for you always, you are what keeps me going” I said to him, “You are what keeps me going we will do this together” he replied. We lay in bed hugging one another not wanting to get up and face the day.

Get up and face the day is what we needed to do though, today for the first time in months I went back to training, I hadn’t trained in the last few weeks pregnant with you and haven’t had the energy too since, plus I needed to wait until I was fully healed from birth, I went back to see my personal trainer and wonderful friend. She was so excited about you Henry she had said to me when coming to see me a few weeks back about how even though I was so sick, I still smiled every time I saw her, I still talked about you excitedly and with so much love and she was right, I did, She couldn’t wait to come meet and cuddle you.
I dragged myself out of bed to shower and get dressed and made my way to the gym, greeted with a big smile and hug from her, instantly the tears started to fall, I dried them aside and we began, we began our session I tried so hard and struggled too, we talked about you, about how I was feeling, how my body was healing about how hard it is, about how can we move forward. she was so encouraging Henry and reminded me that no one can judge our future decisions or say what is right for us as they are not in our shoes.

She said this to me as I talked to her about wanting siblings for you, I talked to her about how now my period had returned another reminder my body knows I am not breastfeeding you, I wasn’t initially going to write that in here but you know what, these are my letters, my letters to you, my way of remembering, of sharing of talking about this, this is real and it happened to us…. so I want to write about all the struggles, about all the information, I want to share so others know the struggles people in this situation go through and to let everyone know its ok to talk about it. That is what gets people through, being able to talk, not feeling like they can’t. So my period returned while we were away in those last few days and we are now deciding whether or not we try again. I know it won’t come without its struggles, I know we are still grieving you, I know that there may be heartache… but I can’t live life not trying.

Today Henry, today I had to go pick up mail from the post office box, I got a slip in there for registered mail, I picked up the letter from inside and got back in the car with your Dad, I felt it instantly that sting that pain I didn’t even need to open it to know what it was, I breathed in a really deep breath and opened the envelope your Dad looking on as I opened the carefully folded piece of paper he knew what it was too…. sobs began as I looked at this piece of paper in front of me on my lap ‘your birth certificate’ your name Henry Peter Maggs 26th April 2018. Stillbirth written beside your name. 😦 “It’s special” your Dad said to me holding my hand as he cried, “It is very special” he said trying to comfort me, and I know it is special as its your certificate to show you were born, yet that word ‘stillbirth’ next to your name, it shouldn’t be there, it’s not how this is supposed to be… As a friend said to me instead of saying that it should say ‘too perfect for this shit world’ and you are too perfect Henry, just too perfect.

Today Henry when you Dad and I went to go get coffee and a hot chocolate, we were told a friend had left a tab for us, left some money there to pre pay for us… I asked the owner of the shop “who?” she told me a last name, I couldn’t believe it, that one little gesture, that one act of kindness made a shitty shitty day just a little bit sweeter.

Your Dad and I have spent the afternoon cuddled up as it is cold, we are trying to keep warm, we have decided day by day we need to do one thing we don’t want to do, as in routine things, Yesterday for me that was cooking up sweet potato and beetroot to have with my breakfasts this week, today I achieved going to the gym.. small steps…. day by day… Your Dad he returns to work in a couple of weeks, of that I am scared, scared for him and how he will go, how he might cope? and scared for me for the same. I think work may be good for him, something distracting a routine, then I worry with his type of job… I then worry about how I may go with him back at work, we have grieved together, been supporting one another, spent most of this time together.. I think the first few days may be hard… some people have asked when I will go back to work, but honestly I do not know… I can’t think about that Henry, I can’t imagine travelling, being away from home, walking in to childcare centres, thinking, smiling, pretending nothing is wrong… When it is wrong, my whole entire world feels wrong without you here in my arms, this is not how we saw it, this is not how it should be…. But it is!

Aching, hurting, laughing, living….

Feelings like a Hurricane.

Today Henry, today I woke up feeling a bit under the weather, I think this cold/flu your Dad has had may be catching up with me, it was hard to wake up this morning. I had dreamt, dreamt most of the night and not all good dreams, it felt like I had not slept at all even though I had. I dreamt I was cursed, I walked outside of where we were and I had to lay in a hospital bed, a road which looped around with old historic buildings surrounding the road and a large area of grass in the middle. There were dark grey clouds all around, trees without leaves, as I lay in the hospital bed it began to move fast and quickly this way, that way, all over the place and I couldn’t control it… it was a part of my curse. then the next thing your Dad and I were sitting in the Dr surgery one of the GP’s I saw when I was pregnant was there… “Why didn’t you do this, why didn’t you do that” she began listing off things, “The baby was to big, you should have known” she said to me “this is your fault” I woke from that dream as I did your Dad woke too, I told him about my dream and it brought tears to my eyes, “she kept blaming me” I said to your dad. “It’s just a dream” he said hugging me, then told me about his dream which involved too many cupcakes… I wish I dreamt of cupcakes like your Dad.

Today we got up and decided to drive to Devonport to look around, we got coffee and your Dad a green juice and headed off, stopping at a raspberry farm and chocolate factory on the way. Once we got to Devonport it was freeeeeezzing, the first really cold day we have had so far. We walked along the water, then we found nothing was open being a public holiday, no cafe’s etc all closed….. We decided we might drive back to the cafe at the raspberry farm for lunch and get out of the cold.

On our way out of Devonport passing a large industrial area a sign right in front of us, a large sign in black and white Henry St! There it was again popping up unexpectedly… Your name.

We continued our drive to the raspberry farm I was feeling more and more ordinary just thinking maybe I needed something to eat, we finally got there and they had one table left outside, we sat outdoors rugged up in our big jackets and looked at the menu, we ordered and we waited, and waited, and waited, and the people on the table in front of us got their meals, and we waited and the people on the table behind us got their meals, and we waited and the family of 7 got their meals and we waited…….

As we waited your dad was folding the leaves on the table that had fallen from the tree above, he placed all the leaves one inside the other and we waited some more…. The waiter then checked and came over and apologised saying our order had not gone through, by this time an hour 10 had passed.. he was going to put a rush on our order…. we waited another half an hour before finally getting our meal… I said to your dad we should just leave and head back to the warm accommodation to eat. We finally got our food, a waitress apologised saying she had taken our drinks off the bill, we ate and went to leave as we were leaving they hadn’t taken the drinks off yet and we had to ask them to do this…. neither of us could be bothered being annoyed, both of us today are feeling it we are both missing you. As your Dad said to me “We just need to write today off as one of those days and try again tomorrow”

As your Dad drove back “Broom broom ting ting woof woof” Your dad said in the car making me laugh, he then kept going adding to the end “sorry your lunch is late” that sums up Tasmania he said, he spoke of you, he asked me when we have the twins what will we call them while we wait? “I don’t know” I replied “well we can’t use little Timmy as that is Henry” your Dad said to me….. and it is you, what we called you for the time we were waiting. ‘little Timmy’ so that will always be the nickname that belongs to you.. Our ‘little Timmy, our Henry’

My feelings Henry, sometimes my feelings scare me, so much so I have been unable to express all of them here as I am scared that others won’t understand… how can they? I don’t know? I have so many mixed feelings, I can not begin to describe a day in my mind. It’s not the feelings of sadness, anger, or longing that scare me, It is not the thoughts of wishing not to wake up some days that scare me either…. but it is the feeling that sits so strongly within me of already wanting a sibling for you, of wanting to hold them in my arms, but wanting you here too. Like a forceful hurricane it stirs inside me, so much pressure it builds bigger and stronger…. I wonder to myself should I be feeling this? is this right? but what is right in this situation? I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to feel… I get scared others would be thinking why would she say that ‘its too soon’, ‘she wants to replace him’ but it’s never about that, you my beautiful boy can never be replaced.. I imagine if you were here with us I would want a sibling for you anyway. It scares me that I feel this way, then it scares me that if we did try that it could all be taken away, just like you.

When I was pregnant with you, early days I remember how scared your Dad and I were, scared of what was to come, scared of whether we would be able to do this parenting gig, scared of how our lives might change as everyone is so quick to tell you about that part “oh your lives will change” “You won’t be able to do what you used too” I wish I hadn’t lived in so much fear then and enjoyed that excited feeling I had more towards the end at the beginning. As I remember the bigger my belly grew, the more we talked to you, that fear disappeared and all we had was so much love, love and thoughts and plans for our future with you.

Your Dad asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday next month, I can not even think, any occasions are hard as I had already imagined you in them, I had already said to your Dad a month before you arrived I wanted to take you away for my birthday, just the three of us…. I wanted to stay in the blue mountains in a little cottage we had stayed before with a fireplace. I had already emailed them to check if they would allow us to bring you our baby along. In my mind I had imagined that weekend and smiled when I thought about taking you new places… Being rugged up in jackets and beanies and exploring, taking you on our first little family getaway. Now my birthday makes me want to hide away, then my mind drifts to ‘fathers day’ and your ‘Dad’s birthday’ both in September and I wonder how we navigate those days too… what do we do? I start to cry, I start to cry for all we have lost.

I thought ahead today, I thought ahead of when we return home and became anxious, I have never experienced the anxiety that I do now, so much anxiety, sometimes it can be about going to a local store, sometimes it can be about leaving the house, this time it is about returning home and what feelings may come with that. I reminded myself I did not need to worry about that yet. The anxious feelings build, they make me feel like I am lost in a maze that there is no way out of. It feels like only yesterday you were born, yet at the same time feels like it is slipping too far away from that day. It’s hard to make future plans when you are feeling so lost, so broken, it’s hard to feel like you have no control.

Your Dad asked today what I wanted “A time machine” I replied, “Ok one that goes back and forwards?” he asked “No just back” I replied “back thirty-three years?” he asked as that is his age. “No not that far” I said adding “Despite this happening I am glad it’s with you” I said to your Dad and we looked at one another in the eyes, He kissed me on the forehead and replied “Me too”. I have so much love for your Dad Henry.

Tonight Henry, we are having dinner in again and a hot spa bath, try to keep warm and rest, hopefully tomorrow morning I will be feeling a little better, and your Dad too.

Tomorrow we venture off from Launceston to the east coast, to explore the beaches, walks and beautiful scenery. I am hoping to see some penguins and your Dad keeps saying how excited he is to taste some amazing seafood. We have hired a little house right by the water, simple but with a fireplace, it will be nice to take in the views. We loved you yesterday, we love you today and we will love you tomorrow xx.

Henry, Henry, Henry everywhere!

Dearest Henry,

The last couple days have been full of ups and full of downs to, it’s this rollercoaster, one that has so many hills loops and turns, it goes up, down forward and backwards and I want to get off but the thing is once you are on this ride, even though it’s not the one you wanted be on and you didn’t sign up for it.. You are not allowed off, you just have to keep riding and watching as others get on too, sometimes you may know these people other times not but the ones who are forced on to this rollercoaster never want to be on it.

Friday Henry, Friday we walked around battery point and Salamanca… we walked taking in the sights and looking around, as we walked along the wharf we saw the Aurora Australis which is a massive antarctic flagship, this ship travels to the antarctic for research and expeditions. Your Dad and I stood staring at the large ship in front of us, so big.. we decided it was a good photo opportunity for your bear, we sat him down in front a little worried he may blow away in the wind. As we took the picture I wondered, would you have loved boats, or perhaps cars, maybe you would have been fascinated by helicopters like your Dad, maybe you wouldn’t have been in to them at all….. All the Maybe’s we will never know.

I think your Dad would have loved if you were a surfing helicopter pilot, me I think I was hoping you’d never leave home. Who would you have been?

We walked past some amazing buildings and houses I placed your bear behind a fence, capturing a picture of a house, I could picture you as a toddler wanting to climb along walls and fences as we walked and us trying to get you down. I always hoped you would have a sense of adventure. Now we will have to be adventurous for you.

Yesterday Henry as your Dad and I walked the Salamanca markets in the morning there were so many triggers, so many things that made me think of you, miss you, want you. I am so thankful for the invention of sunglasses as they hide my sadness when I don’t want others to see, tears in my eyes hidden behind those glasses, hidden tears I hoped would not run down my cheeks. Mums and Dads with newborns in prams walked past us, we passed mums with babies in carriers as we walked through the crowd, I looked as a grandmother made sounds at her grandchild who must have been only a few months old as she made a sound the baby imitated the sound back smiling and giggling in-between each sound, those sounds that giggle it’s so piercing like a sword straight in to my guts then pulled out and placed back in piercing my heart.

I don’t have anything against these people, I don’t dislike them, I just want the opportunity to have what they have, to have you my baby, to listen to you gurgle and giggle, to listen to you as you hear new sounds around you, to watch you as you look around and take in the world, instead I am trying to not only take in new places and the world for just me now, but for you too.

Yesterday after the markets we got in the car to make our way to Launceston, along the way I took in the sights, the sadness still sitting with me and I allowed it too, it is all I can do. I said to your Dad as the tears formed again “I just want to be like everyone else at that market walking around with their babies” , “So we are coming back with the twins then?” your Dad replies jokingly and optimistically…. Your Dad Henry is convinced we will have twin siblings in the future for you, I suppose this is better than his plan of 18.. I laughed as your Dad said that, he then went on to explain how we would be walking those markets him pushing the twins, our Doberman puppy Lucy with Snikkers tied up at the dog parking station and me walking ahead of it all in my own world.. He said we would need to put the bike bell on the pram to be able to get it through the crowds and everyone would hear Snikkers in the background doing her one bark she does “woof ting ting” your Dad said I laughed at his interpretations.

Throughout the last few days Henry, you have been everywhere! Henry Henry Henry… Your name has appeared in a range of different places, in Battery Point we saw a sign on our walk for the Henry James hotel, we then saw a car advertising McHenry distillery, yesterday as we travelled along we stopped in at Richmond driving through to explore, we took a wrong turn drove up along a road and came across a Street sign none other than Henry St….. Your Dad and I decided to explore an old gaol going through the records of names looking to see if there were any Maggs, we there was and there you where again Maggs in one column Henry in the column right next to it! Another record we looked at there was the name Henry six times in a row one after the other… You are certainly making sure your prescence is known 🙂

We continued along the road stopping in at another town so I could get something to eat, as we waited for our food we played a game of checkers… I had to explain to your Dad how to play and was surprised…. we sat and finished the game I won and back on our way. When we arrived at our Airbnb accommodation again your name Henry’s apartment!! and down below under our apartment Henry’s!! again your name a restaurant and bar…. we decided to phone to see if we could get a reservation for dinner, you must have been looking after us it must have been meant to be as we got the last spot for dinner.

Last night Henry, we went to Henry’s as we ordered our drinks your Dad and I decided we wanted to get a photo of your bear with the bar sign in the background… It was hard to ask, but I did it, I said to the bartender “I have a strange request” he looked at me “I would like to if I can get a photo of that bar sign but with this little blue bear placed somewhere, its in honour of our son Henry who passed away” I explained as I swallowed the big lump that appeared in my throat and tried not to cry, your Dad he did begin to cry, tat beautiful bartender was more than obliging, “Of course” he said and “I am so sorry to hear” he placed your bear on the bottom shelf and we took a pic.

After our drink we headed in to the restaurant area for dinner, the food was all amazing right down to dessert, the staff were all lovely, from the dining area you could see the lounge where Henry’s was in large letters across the wall, after dinner the bartender asked if we would like a photo there and he took one for us, such a nice gesture, he then got us a complimentary drink as we sat in the lounge area. In one corner a record player with records beside.. One of the waitresses explained to us that we could put on any records we liked.. Your Dad and I sat taking turns to choose records and drinks, we talked, we laughed it was a nice night Henry. We both could not believe the amount of times we saw your name. We both know you brought us here for a reason. we know you are beside us every step of the way.

The early hours of this morning Henry I couldn’t sleep, maybe it was the one too many espresso martinis maybe it was something else, either way early hours thoughts are hard.. they are some of the worst, I just wanted to be with you. I thought about how its easier when I am sleeping as when I am asleep I don’t feel that pain, I don’t have those thoughts when I am asleep its the only time I can not torture myself with thoughts, it is the only time there is not this anguish. I do at times wish I could sleep for a long long time.

Today Henry, we got up after getting some breakfast we walked on our way to cataract gorge, your Dad explained it was only 2km from where we were staying “Are you sure?” I asked as we started to walk as it seemed like we were going the wrong way “Yes it’ll be fine” your Dad replied. We walked and walked not feeling like we were getting anywhere close I decided to check my maps on my phone “You don’t need that Kristy Jean” your Dad said to me…. Turns out we did Henry, as your Dad and I were coming towards an area where there was no path to be able to cross a busy street. We finally made our way in the right direction made our way to the gorge and started our walk… We passed a family with of five, three children a baby, a toddler and a boy who looked about five the dad and the son had been yelling inside the gorge and listening to the echo the young boy commented on this “It’s an echo” said his mum and they continued to talk about it as we walked past..

“I’m going to be hopeless at explaining things to the twins” your dad said to me, “Whats an echo dad” he said in a little voice “An echo” he replied in his own voice “you know son” “no I don’t Dad” he replied again in the little voice I laughed.. “It would depend on how old they are as to how you explain it” I said to your Dad “for a little one I would say an echo is when the sound reflects and continues to travel after you have said it and I would get them to test it out saying see how it does it when we stand in the gorge then later I would get them to test it out in an open space to discuss how it doesn’t echo”….. “this is why when you are out and the twins have question I am going to get them to Skype you” your Dad said to me.

After we walked the gorge taking in the beautiful sights of the water, the crisp cool air, we got to a chair lift to go over head, on the chair lift your bear sitting with us we got some pictures of us and blue bear and also the scenery surrounding us, it was nice to be out in nature, taking it in, it helps nature Henry and I can feel you with us. We saw wallabies, peacocks and other creatures. We smiled, we talked, I panicked somewhat slightly as the chairlift stopped above the water and took a little while to start again.

Afterwards your Dad must have decided we needed more exercise and adventure as he seemed to take us the long route back up the steepest hills and down them again… In his words when going down the hill he thought his “toes might break through the front of his shoes”… it was the longest hill ever!!! but at least we had an adventure.. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were conspiring with your Dad taking me along up and down those hills.

Tonight Henry we are having dinner in, my body its crying out for some healthy food, its letting me know it wants veggies, my body is finally past some of the shock and is communicating with me about what it needs, and I need to start listening.

Recently Henry we had someone make a donation to heartfelt in honour of you, the amazing part of this donation is that person who made it doesn’t even know us, this wonderful lady only knows of us and you through friends of ours and yet she still decided to do this in honour of you. Such an amazing gesture. Heartfelt is a wonderful organisation where a number of photographers donate their time so that they can capture photographic memories for families and beautiful pictures for these families of thier babies born sleeping. I can not begin to tell you how much your Dad and I treasure the photographs we have of you, so very very precious, i would have to say one of my most valuable possessions. So for someone to support this cause and share it on social media and do this in honour of you, it again just shows me how beautiful people can be. I am currently looking at some different fundraising opportunities and different ways to raise awareness in honour of you and to assist others.

I have been reading a book Henry, a book a friend bought for me, it has been amazing. The author it is her story, her story about a little boy, her little boy born still, her little boy full term no problems and suddenly one day no heartbeat, talks openly about her grief, openly about her health, about her thoughts and her pregnancy afterwards. I have been able to relate so much to these thoughts and feelings in this book, I have laughed as she refers to dwarfs of grief (I’ll explain the dwarfs another time), I have cried as she tells of her darkest days and I have felt as though parts of the story are my own. ‘The happiest story with the saddest ending’ she quotes…. Yep I can understand that completely, you were the happiest part of our story, and in my own words you are ‘our greatest adventure and our hardest goodbye’, love you Henry x.

Interpreting Art.

This morning Henry, this morning I was tired, so very very tired I kept waking up and drifting back to sleep, your Dad lay awake beside me he held my hand as I went back to sleep again, once I woke and allowed myself to stay awake an all-encompassing cloud of sadness surrounded me I cried in to your Dad’s chest, cried because no matter how much I try I can’t stop the thoughts of guilt of having not been able to stop this from happening, I know realistically that this is not my fault, I know I did not cause it, but the what ifs… the what if I had of called them back in to my room one more time again that night, stood up more for myself when I said I didn’t feel right, instead of just waiting.. The what ifs are apparently a normal part of the process when you lose a baby but they haunt me, oh how they haunt my head, all I want is to go back in time and change it all but I can’t.

I said to your Dad “It’s so heavy, I just feel heavy and I wish the heaviness would stop” I feel like there’s a constant weight on top of me, and then my body feels like it is made of concrete, it weighs me down, right down in to each of my bones, my heart, my mind. I’m sure if I was to step in to the water right now I would just sink, I would sink straight to the bottom as I am so heavy with hurt and pain…. the only thing that may allow me to float would be my love for you.

This morning we had a late start, it took us a while to want to get up, your Dad said he’d be happy to sleep the day away, but we didn’t we got up. We decided today we would head to MONA (The museum of old and new art). We got up dressed and showered and off we went.

When arriving we noticed names along the buildings of the accommodation where people can stay, we talked about your name and about how so many people had said to us it isn’t what they expected, they love your name but said it wasn’t what they thought we would pick… I don’t think it was what we thought we would either, but as soon as you arrived and were placed on to my chest, it just suited it was you… Henry.

MONA was an interesting place, a big sensory overload, some rooms were actually quite confronting to be in with the sounds and videos playing all at once, or the flashes of light with sounds and the darkness, your Dad and I said how we felt uneasy in some rooms and we joked about how it felt like the voices and sounds were trying to give subliminal messages and how perhaps tonight in our sleep we would be running the streets naked and screaming..

We stopped at different pieces of art and before reading about them we would try to come up with our own interpretation, in one room which was full of white nameless empty books on bookshelves and tables of white paper with nothing on them, I commented to your Dad “It’s like all the words all the past has been erased, like its gone back to the beginning of time where no ones story has been created, no words written, It’s all just gone a blank canvas for the world to start again” Your Dad thought I was pretty smart for that one… As we walked on to the next piece and there were three different portraits of a lady I said to your dad it’s like they are showing her dark and light sides if your look at the difference in shadows in the paintings. I thought I could interpret it well.

Even a waterfall of words which streamed down, it made me feel uneasy, I felt as though some of the words used were dark and uninviting. But it was an interesting experience all the same and some exhibits brought us laughter too, it also felt like we were in another world and it allowed us to escape for a while.

One exhibit we stood at and looked had shattered pieces falling, pieces of glass and debris shattered all over the floor as other bits hung down, I said to your Dad “I can interpret this one, it represents my life, it represents me all broken, shattered, pieces absolutely everywhere, pieces all over the floor and still falling down and a mess that seems to big, to overwhelming to try to begin to clean up.

As we wandered the book and gift store afterwards, I saw some funny children’s books, one was a take on possum magic but was called ‘bum magic’ and was about a pair of bums… I smiled as I looked at the book, this would be great for little boys I thought having worked in early childhood before I know how much boys of a certain age love that toilet talk and silliness, “Are you going to get it?” your Dad asked….. but I couldn’t I had to put it back, as it was a reminder of all the books we had bought for you, I love to read and had planned to read to you every night. It was bittersweet looking at those books, as I could think of others I could buy it for, but you are the only one I want to be buying them for and I can’t…. I felt that familiar knot and twinge in my stomach, I felt that familiar heavy ache of my arms.

My mind wandered to if we ever had a sibling for you, how different that pregnancy would be…. the excitement of new life, of a life growing inside would be replaced with fear, fear of what if that life stops… The hopes for a future and plans would be replaced with not wanting to think ahead not allowing ourselves to make those future plans as we know they can all be ripped away in an instant….. The moments we spent buying cute things, would be replaced with not daring to buy a thing incase that little life was not to be…. The innocence of birth replaced with an anxiety, anxiety that if the baby didn’t come quickly, that it may all go wrong at any instant. Would we want to even share our happy news with others? as we had been so excited to do with you? or would we hide it away as much as we could? In fear, in terror that a little life could go? would we live that time dreading what could happen? regardless of what our future holds there is tough times ahead.

I made sure I got a picture outside with a truck and your little blue bear in hand.

Tonight Henry we prepare to go out to dinner with your Uncle, as we wait for him I sit and type, I type and think of your sweet face, I type and think of others I know who have been through the same pain, who I know even with time still feel the pain but have built there lives around it. They are who give me hope, they are who provide me with a little strength to know we can do the same. That we will find our ‘new normal’ as the book I have been reading describes.

Tonight Henry, we will go out, we will have some good food and even make a toast to you. Your Dad and I will try, we will smile, and we will keep taking steps forward even if we have to take some back.

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