Feeling gratitude and sadness.

Gratitude, Henry your dad and I have so much gratitude for everyone in our lives, we have been blessed with so many great people in our lives who send us lots of love. While I wish so very much I was sharing photos of our lives and adventures with you growing, I can not express the gratitude we have for every message, for phone calls, for people just letting us know we are thought of. I wanted to thank everyone who takes the time to let us know they are thinking of us or is there when we need and I hope they are all reading along so they see this thank you.

Yesterday was a little easier than the day before, we started off our day Henry having coffee with a friend of your dads who he works with, the sunshine was nice and it’s almost healing in some ways. Your dads friend had restored a very old oven for us that your great grandparents would have cooked on, your dad proudly placed it in the backyard and last night lit the first fire in the stove… soon we will be cooking in it, testing new recipes and experimenting with how it cooks… Hopefully getting back to some of the things we love to do.

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We went with your Nanny and Poppy about an hour north to pick up a weight bench for your poppy and uncle to use, your dad thinks they won’t use it.. I think he’d like to bet on it. only time will tell… At least there’s the thought there just as your dad and I have had thoughts of getting healthier again, this week a positive change in that area, we have started with good breakfast Monday and a healthy Harissa spiced chicken with kale and leek hash cooked by your dad tonight… I know your dad cooking kale (insert shocked look here) I thought the same.

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Yesterday afternoon Henry a small hill on the bike once more, then some reflection as well as your dad got some sad news. It made me think, think of others affected by this news. So many people fighting battles we know nothing about, how others have their own grief in different ways, for different things and the thought of always being kind. I hope that everyone affected by this news has some support and comfort at this time, I know your dad is going to possibly get together with a group of his colleagues to talk, I think it is great that they do this to support one another as it’s so important to talk.

I didn’t achieve my challenge last night Henry, it kind of got put off the night went a different direction, so it’s on tonight’s list a healthy dessert… I’ve been thinking so can’t wait to get stuck in to it.

Sleep still evades me Henry, thoughts cloud my mind, the clouds form…… dark dark grey clouds build up coming closer and closer together until they are so close together a storm starts… bolts of lightning, loud thunder the thoughts crowd together more and more sometimes the same ones, sometimes the storm calms for a while but then starts again, other times it continues for a long time and even when it does calm the grey clouds are still there in the morning and some days I pray for sunshine for some relief.

I remembered this morning Henry about the birth class you dad and I attended with you,  I remember your dads reaction to the birthing videos which we are sure are from 1975, how when we finally stopped for lunch your dad said to me “if they show any more videos we are going home we are just going home” I laughed… they didn’t show any more videos. I remember how I felt when your dad wasn’t scared to practice wrapping a doll or putting a nappy on the doll so he could learn how he would do this with you, the love I felt for him in that moment and just admiration… as he was always willing to learn those things and take them seriously so he could do everything with you, he is such a great dad Henry which I am sure you know. I hope he has the opportunity to do all that with a sibling for you one day.

This morning when I first woke, the thoughts of you of wanting to be holding you looking after you became too much to bear, my stomach that pit in my stomach it ached so badly. I sit here typing and crying silent tears as your dad is still asleep and I don’t want to wake him up, I don’t want him to have to comfort me this morning as I know he is tired, he’s hurting and he’s trying to process yesterdays news too. So as my pain this morning takes hold of me, as it consumes me I cry silently, tears flowing so fast, so intesnly down my cheeks because I want you close, I want my baby boy…. and I don’t understand why we could not have you here, why this had to happen. I wanted you so much.

I remember conversations between your dad and I, we talked about you so often… Even when he had moments at work to stop and text. Messages about you, who you might be, who you would look like. All we wanted was to love and care for you and see you grow. Oh Henry this morning it hurts so badly. Last night I came across these messages in my phone, between your dad and I talking about you, who you might look like, it’s the last message I sent to him that catches my eye ‘oh well he’s going to be very loved anyway by all four of us’ that love for you was already there.

Gratitude as I mentioned at the start of my letter Henry, gratitude for messages, thoughts people send we are so grateful Henry, and I am also grateful for being your mum, for having carried you, to have held you I am so thankful. I’m grateful for you having blessed us with your presence. Then I have all this sadness of missing you, of wanting you here as you should have been, pain, despair and then the love for you I have it all…. So many emotions!

I’m wondering how this morning we will get ourselves going, it may be a cancel our plans day today, a day to maybe hide from the world? who knows… All I know is this morning Henry my bike has crashed, the storm clouds are in my head and I just don’t know how to settle it all, as all I want is you.

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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