Writing to you…..

You are unsure which pain is worse, the shock of what happened or the ache of what never will.

Wednesday was shit-balls Henry, it feels kind of wrong using that word in my letter to you but Wednesday sucked big hairy shit balls. I am not sure I have any other words to describe it.

You dad was so incredibly sad, he was hurting so much for you, for us, and for his friend, the family and colleagues I say colleagues but really they are his other family. Your Dad lay on the lounge all day, so I did the best I could. I got him the quilt for comfort to keep him warm and so he could feel like he was hiding away, I made him a fresh pineapple and orange juice to try to assist his cold, I made sure he had the Netflix remote nearby. I cleaned the kitchen from the dishes from the night before, did the washing and went and got him a big fat hamburger for his lunch (comfort food). I know none of that takes away his sadness but all I can do is care for him when he needs it the most as he has done for me.

Wednesday Henry, I struggled, I struggled because I want to make it all better for your dad, I struggled because I still want you here, I struggled because I had to go online and register your stillbirth. That was hard, completing the application putting in a birth date which is also the day you died…  I get a ‘notation of your stillbirth’ yet a stillbirth is not registered as a death… I guess I am feeling vulnerable right now but the way it’s all done and worded it makes it makes it feel like they don’t want to acknowledge you as a proper birth or that you have died, just somewhere in between… I guess that’s where we sit don’t we.. we had a baby, we had you, but you didn’t get to come home, you don’t get to grow for the world to see so here we are in-between…. in-between – I was pregnant , you lived inside me and grew to term, but we didn’t get to take you home. I hate in-between!

Wednesday night as your Dad was out Henry debriefing with his other family, I sat at home and I cried, so much for you, it became too. much… I then called one of the bereavement support lines I had been given a number for, I just needed to talk to get out this sadness to just let it out.. The lady on the other end of the phone cut the conversation very short as she had to go teach a class, seriously… I know often with a lot of organisations these are run through volunteers but don’t volunteer if you can not give your time to actually do it. I sat and stared at the phone and sobbed, it was only that my friend one of your adopted aunties she happened to call me and well I just cried down the phone to her, I cried I talked about everything in my head and she listened.

Yesterday Henry was better, we got up early despite no sleep and we went for a pilates session, a beautiful lady who I know works really hard to look after herself and her family, she offered her time, time to help us stretch, time to help us breathe, time for just your Dad and I to be there and not worry about having to try to people, not worrying about who we might see. It felt amazing for my body to move through the stretches and exercises, It made me realise how much I need to be able to get active again… as for that one short hour while I was close to tears many times it felt good to just to breathe, to try to put my focus in to breathing, stretching. How beautiful it is when you offer your time. Once I am much stronger I will be offering my time more too.

I then went and saw the naturopath, she was a strong lady Henry, she had a good presence. As soon as she asked why I was there tears out they came, I could not help it… It is so hard to tell your story Henry but yet so hard not to tell it either. I just want to scream out to the world you are mine, while I want to retreat away from the whole world as I am hurting too much. She listened, we talked she got me sorted with some things to take. So we will see how they go.

Yesterday, we picked your uncle up from the airport, it felt like a long long day for both your dad and I.

This morning I said to your dad as we both lay awake, how do I get rid of that feeling the pit in my stomach that’s there, the lump in my throat as soon as I wake, “write” he said to me “write to Henry”… and so I sit here and write to you and long for you and miss you and cry. Your dad Henry, he doesn’t read my letters to you, he can’t bring himself too, he knows it would be hard to read the words. One day though, one day I know he will read them all. He will see the love in them, the memories and the sadness too, but one day he will be able to read through my words to you without the absolute heartbreak he feels now.

Your dad and I Henry are both a bit under the weather today, your dad worse than I. So we will need to rest today, to stop, cancel and rest. grief is exhausting and lack of sleep, needing to eat better and just having our hearts absolutely broken has caught up with us. Those storm clouds in our heads, the shattered pieces of our hearts, the absolute ache in our bodies each day have caused our physical being to crash like the bike.

Your Dad last night as we drove to pick up your uncle, I read a sign out loud from the side of a bus that talked about it being a green low gas emission producing bus “geez” replied your dad “it needs more room” “what do you mean?” I asked “for the sign” he said “the one about it being an organic vegan water drinking bus” he made me laugh.

I have been trying to convince your Dad to get a kitten, don’t ask me why I want one who knows, maybe it’s all this extra love, maybe I think that is somewhere where it could go? but it wouldn’t be would it as it’s not you, it’s not the same, nowhere near the same. Maybe I need a rescue kitten as I feel I want to help something that s broken like me. so I have been tagging your dad on FB in kittens, all the kittens… He says no, I know if I Just brought one home he couldn’t say no then. He says Snikkers would eat it… I think with the right introduction and probably supervision it would be ok right?

Minute by minute Henry that s all we can take.. I was about to finish my blog for the morning when suddenly the overwhelm came, so bloody strong… memories, It all plays around in my head and I lie here crying so hard my whole body shakes.

Today Henry, I just hope today you can send us some strength, some strength and comfort are whats needed today. I promise in return I will continue I will work hard to get through the day and rougher days ahead, I will keep going but please baby boy stay close by.. Forever my baby boy xx

P_180426_RRayner_Henry_ (92)

Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April 2018 and learning to parent after loss with Henry's little sister born in August 2019..

3 thoughts on “Writing to you…..”

  1. Oh kristy this breaks my heart. I can’t believe the bereavement support lady cut you short! Sadly you have had some issues with support, there needs to be so much more out there for you and others 😢


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