Exhaustion but you are worth the fight.

Yesterday Henry, was a good and a tough day all in one, I was visited by my friend and surrogate mum… We had some tears and talked so much about you, about what had happened, about what could have been different, she said how she regrets not flying in for your service as she was on holiday, she regrets not having come to the hospital even though I had said no, but none of it would have changed things, we all have regrets. It all doesn’t change it though, but it was good to talk with her and see her.

Yesterday I had my checkup with the GP all was good except the fact you are not here, you were completely healthy and now you are not here. Yesterday afternoon your dad and I picked up my medical records and got the results from some other tests, all good as expected, nothing wrong. You were perfect Henry, you still are absolutely perfect. It was tough, I held myself together I asked questions and I expressed my thoughts and concerns, Your dad Henry he cried, he is missing you too and it was hard…. He listened and cried as I asked the tough questions. The Dr from the hospital told us we should have another baby and to please consider it, that does not replace you! It’s like oh magic fix just have another one….. 😦  I explained (white hot) that regardless of whether we had another baby if we can it does not take away from the magnitude of the situation or replace you and that we live with this for the rest of our lives. Even if we had 18 more Henry it wouldn’t replace you, we may learn to cope, we may find ways to manage the grief and it may be less…. But you are our little boy, you are our son we will always think of you, we will always wonder what could have been, we will always want you here.

Your dad Henry, only a few months after we got married, he went out for a surf and he managed to lose his wedding ring in the ocean, never to be seen again. I remember the day he told me, I got home from work… When I walked in the door he said “I have some good news and some bad news” I looked at him suspiciously and he said “The good news is it can be replaced” “What?” I asked eyeing him, “The bad news is I lost my wedding ring in the surf today” … “Oh babe” I replied shaking my head “Oh well what can we dO” I then said. I had been meaning to for some time replace his wedding band and I just had not gotten around to it, so last night I finally presented your dad with a gift, last night I gave him a new wedding band I had ordered but with your name and date of birth on it. You Dad he cried when I gave it to him saying it was a gift from us Henry he cried and he hugged me. I also got a ring with your name engraved on it too.

Last night we were tired, again and again thoughts plagued my mind as I tried to sleep. Your dad at least got some sleep after taking some cough medicine. I was pleased to hear him snoring. Last night a whirlwind of thoughts through my mind, still awake late last night until sometime in the early hours my exhausted mind allowed me to sleep for a little while, when I did sleep I dreamt of you, however in my dream you were here with us living, we were taking care of you, in my dream I saw your smile… dreams are all I have.

This morning I woke up at 2:30am to your Dad already awake, instantly a storm in my mind, thoughts I voiced to your Dad eventually settling with his arms around me as we cried together, so many thoughts so much going on, so much information. So damn hard.

This morning Henry, your fur sister Missy was cold and wouldn’t settle so she got to have cuddles in bed with your dad and I, I had always pictured the five of us on the bed together.

This morning we stayed in bed until 9am, not sleeping but neither really motivated to get up, the thought of my medical records sitting in an envelope on the table haunted me I felt anxious and sick in my stomach at the thought of looking at them, after going for coffee I came home while your Dad went in to work to fix some things up, I took a big breath in as I opened the envelope as I breathed out I pulled out the booklet with my records ‘I am strong’ I reminded myself as I opened the first page to look over all the details and make my notes. I did it, I looked through the whole lot making my notes and jotting own my questions. I did it for you Henry.

Today Henry your surrogate aunty, she had to make a tough decision, she had to make a decision about her fur baby and today her fur baby was laid to rest, I called her as she lives two hours away we cried on the phone, we cried about a beautiful dog who had been given a wonderful life who was a part of the family, she cried down the phone we talked and listened to one another agreeing that it was more than shit and we did not have the words to describe it.

This afternoon Henry, I am tired, my mind, my body, my soul it’s all just exhausted… exhausted from the storm clouds in my head, exhausted from the pain in my heart, exhausted from the sadness in my soul, exhausted from the fact grief is physically exhausting.

So as I sit on the longe I will hug your cushion, the cushion from your room as it brings me comfort, I will pray that maybe, maybe tonight I might get some sleep, I will think, think of your sweet face, I will feel, feel all the love that I have for you. My beautiful boy xx.

This is after I get over your fur sisters fart!! she has just stunk out the lounge room.

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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