I’d rather feel than feel nothing at all…

This hole in my heart is the shape of you and no one else can fill it .
why would I want them to?

Yesterday afternoon Henry as I sat on the lounge with your Dad the tears of sadness came creeping in… ever so slowly there they were once again I said to your dad “I hate feeling this way” but I guess it’s not true in a way, I would rather feel, rather have you and feel like this than not feel it all….. so I don’t hate having feelings about you because I absolutely love you and you are worth feeling everything for no matter how much that hurts.

Yesterday Henry, I put two of your photographs in a frame in our lounge room, some might think they would make us sad as we have them there to look at, but I love looking at your pictures, I love the memories they hold, I love your sweet sweet face so very much. Your photographs they bring a comfort to us both. I wish we didn’t only have them though, I wish we had you here… I hope one day we might add some pictures of your siblings next to yours.

Last night Henry you dad cooked a lamb shoulder and baked veggies on the old stove, we had you Nanny and Poppy over for dinner, dinner was nice as your fur sister Missy watched on wanting a piece of lamb from anyones plate, she always knows she will get something from me, both her and snickers, I always save a little bit on my plate for them.

Last night Henry I felt sadness not only for you but for one of my closest friends she would be your aunty Henry and her fur baby is as old as Missy and is very unwell, I know that feeling of helplessness of not being to help them watching them in pain. Some days Henry it feels like there are storm clouds all around anyone we know at the moment Henry… so much pain and sadness around us at the moment and sometimes you just want to make it stop.

Last night Henry your poor Dad coughed and coughed again, we both did not sleep again at all, I wanted to sleep but the coughing kept waking me, this gave my mind opportunity to fill with storm clouds, lightning and thunder once more… It filled and the same thoughts over and over swirling around it’s like the wind blowing them around and around then back and forth. Your Dad has strict orders from me today to rest. I said to your dad this morning “This is not what we thought would be keeping us awake at this stage” “That’s right” he agreed, we half smiled at one another that half smile that says we both would have been so thankful of those sleepless nights if we could be holding you.

Yesterday when I shared my letter to you Henry, I included a link to a petition from still aware, a petition to encourage the government to look at changes and make commitments to stillbirth and to raise awareness… So many of our beautiful friends Henry, so many of them shared this over social media, they shared and encouraged others to sign, it filled my heart with so much gratitude, it filled my heart with love to see that so many, so many others Henry wanted to share that they are taking the time that they read my letters to you, that they appreciate the awareness we are trying to raise, that they take the time to know about you.

This morning I have another one of my closest friends coming to see me, she wants to come and give me a hug as she was away while you were born and when we had your service. I know there’ll be so many tears shed with her, she will hold me up as I hold her up and we cry together, she bought you so many things, she was so excited about your arrival, she was one of the first ones to know. Little clothes she got for you, a nappy bag filled with essentials for me to carry your things, her own beautiful children brought you clothes too… they were so excited about you coming in to their lives, as were so many others…. I hope you know how loved you are not only by us but by so many many more.

This morning Henry there’s a heaviness in me, it weighs me down, such heaviness and I don’t only feel it in my heart but it makes my whole body feel physically heavy too, this morning I have to go see the GP for a check up, this afternoon I am collecting my medical records, tough tasks but I will stand tall and do them both. I am not sure if that heaviness is there because of these tasks or if it is just the heaviness that I often feel weighing me down that makes each step a little bit harder. Although I still despite the heaviness take those steps each day, move my feet slowly one in front of the other.

I look at my stomach sometimes, I know often when I lie on my side I miss the feeling, and the large bump of you being in there, I felt the softness of my stomach now and I look at it in the mirror all I want is that big bump back with you there.. Although at 38 weeks I remember feeling so uncomfortable I wanted you out, now I would give anything for one more moment of feeling you there kicking me even if it is under the ribs. I was just so excited about you, so loved, so wanted as I type the tears softly fall once more.

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Although words can not describe what a rollercoaster each day is in emotions and how some days you do better than others, how I can still smile but be feeling the deepest pain or sadness, how I can cry yet feel the deepest love, how I can feel angry yet feel a joy over you. I’m so glad I get to feel this all over you, the most beautiful boy, my son… You made me a mum and I am so very grateful of that. Thank you xx

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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