Tag: fathers day

A picture tells a thousand words, photos tell a story.

I still remember the day we met you.

Photographs Henry photographs of my childhood, photos of me wearing my Dads cowboy hat, photos by the Christmas tree with my brother and one of my sisters, school photos, school formal photos, photos of the years working in childcare, photos much like writing they document my childhood, they show how I have grown, they tell a story, a story of my life….. Bittersweet seeing these photographs they hold some memories, however they remind me, they remind me I never get to document your story in this way, you never got to be here for us to take all those photos, we will never be able to sit and compare a photo of you from one year to the next, to see your changes, we never get to look at a photograph and say ‘remember when Henry’…….. we don’t get to tell your story in that way, instead I sit and I type, I type letters to you, I sit and I cry, trying desperately to remember every detail of my pregnancy, every detail of you after I gave birth to you, every detail of your face your fingers, your toes as I held you. I sit and I feel this excruciating all-consuming pain in wanting to tell your story and hoping you’ll never be forgotten.

Saturday Henry I had to look for some documents and I came across some of those photographs from my childhood and growing up, your Dad and I talked about some of them, we looked changes as I grew, my hair colour over my adult years as we did there was some small laughs and smiles, but there was that sadness in both our eyes, I could tell we were thinking the same thoughts about never getting to watch you grow and take photos. When I was pregnant with you your Dad talked often how he wanted to upgrade his camera, not only for his surf photography but he said to me “I want to get a new camera so we can take really good photos of the little fella” so when I was about 71/2 months pregnant I kept searching and searching and as a surprise for him I bought him a new/second-hand camera that he had always wanted, we had so looked forward to capturing memories with you.

The small amount of photos we do have of you, they do tell thier own story, a story of a love so great, a love that will last forever, our love for you.

Saturday Henry was your Dad’s birthday, another reason it was a bit of a hard day… I woke up on Saturday saying to myself, hold yourself together, hold it together for him. It was his day and despite knowing it would be hard I wanted to make sure I was there for him, making his day the best I could. I fought and held in tears that morning until I got in the shower letting them out, all because before you were born I had planned your Dads birthday already, in my mind I had it all sorted and those plans involved you! Except you are not here and we can’t change that. We had a quiet day at home your Dad spent time working on the car, I spent time planting seeds to grow for the veggie patch, we spent time on the lounge together. Your Dad cooked dinner and then I cried it all came out “I’m so sorry” I cried to him “That you are cooking dinner on your birthday, that’s two years in a row” I cried some more as last year I had been so sick with morning sickness that I was unable to do much then too, the guilt I feel over that… I always make a big deal of your Dad’s birthday and the last two years I haven’t been able to, one because I was sick with you and now because we are grieving you.

The past week was a struggle Henry, but now which one isn’t. I had moments where I felt I could move and keep going and moments where the grief and pain held me hostage. This past week I helped a friend out a little bit with a few things and minded their little boy on the Thursday, we watched ninja turtles, we played Lego, we read stories, he laughed as we read mr tickle. He spent the whole day negotiating with me about a Mario game he wanted and we laughed. It was good to be able to do that spend time there and help them out. There is always that thought of how I would have read to you, I would’ve played lego with you, would you have liked ninja turtles?

Thursday night your Dad was out for a while once he came home, we were both tired, we were both upset, we have both been running on empty.. I still don’t sleep well from the flashbacks, the nightmares, the not wanting to lie in bed as my mind goes over it, it remembers. I got upset with your Dad for having been out so long, but it wasn’t that, I was just exhausted, tired, missing you and wanting you here, wanting us to go back to when we supposed to bring you home with us, I wanted to change our lives to where we had you here and were living as a happy family, not living this life where we wonder how we move though each day. Your Dad he stopped he fell apart, tears streamed down his face and he held on to me, I hugged him tighter. We sat together on the bed “I don’t want to do this anymore” I said to him “I don’t want to do this pain” .. “I don’t either” he replied “we could go together” he then said. It’s so hard Henry we are often in moments keeping the other going and together, but what happens when we both fall apart at the same time.

I woke up yesterday morning Henry and as I opened my eyes, my heart sunk, it’s just another day, another day of living without you here, I never want to get up anymore, if it wasn’t for your Dad I possibly wouldn’t, I do things, I have moments to look after myself but some days I feel like I could just sleep, but what type of life is that. I haven’t been great at eating lately, I try to tell myself to keep moving, keep doing for you, but in reality my broken heart just wants you here.

Last night your Dad was at work, as the night went on my thoughts ran away with me, I could feel that physical ache that comes with missing you, it consumes my whole body, my arms long to hold you, my lips long to kiss you on your cheeks, my fingers long to brush through all that hair of yours, my whole body aches to do the things mums do. I still had to give birth to you, I still had to go through the pain of labour of a full term baby, so my body wants to know where that baby is. I lay on the lounge crying and crying the tears wouldn’t stop ‘I don’t want to hurt anymore’ I messaged your Dad ‘I know that’s why we are going to be there to pick one another up’ he replied.. ‘I’m scared of feeling this way forever’ I said back to him ‘I understand’ he said ‘but we will keep going and it will get easier no need to be scared’, ‘it doesn’t feel like it’ I said back to him ‘it won’t as its still new’ your Dad said ‘I just want our little boy I just want him here with us I don’t want to do it without him’ I typed back through the tears. I lay in bed last night unable to sleep with my whole soul is exhausted.

I woke up this morning when your Dad got home from his night shift, he got in to bed and snuggled in to me and we went back to sleep, I woke a little later quiet silent tears started I didn’t want to wake your Dad, I don’t want to get up I thought to myself, I don’t want to do this anymore, the pain it hurts so much Henry I just lay there, I lay there in tears until Missy decided she would bark and bark for me to get up, not wanting her to wake your Dad I got up got her biscuits put them outside, then I climbed back in to bed thinking I didn’t want to do the day. I eventually got up because I had to, I had a PT appointment for 11am I got up showered… as I drove to the gym tears just streamed down my face, I couldn’t stop them they just kept coming, grief had a hold of me and was determined to not let up.

I pulled in to the car park and dried my face, meeting my PT outside we went in, she started me on the bike I was going to ride 4km, I started trying to stay at the reps she had said tried again, my body, me I was just tired “You are really struggling today aren’t you whats going on?” she asked the tears started again, “C’mon” she said let’s go in the little room and do some tabata instead I stopped peddling and we moved to the small room “Have you eaten this morning” she asked I shook my head “Kristy” she said to me as we had discussed the week before how I had not had breakfast “You need to eat” she said to me “I know” I replied “but I just don’t see the point I just feel awful either way, each day I wake up with the same feeling and its so damn hard and I don’t want to hurt anymore” tears in my eyes. I got through the work out only just as I had felt sick Henry towards the end, afterwards we talked quickly “You need to give your body the best you can right now” she said to me “you need fuel you didn’t have a great pregnancy as you were so sick now you have been dealing with this, your body hasn’t got all it needed for a long time you want to be pregnant again you need to be the best you can with nutrition and food” “I do know” I replied softly “Its just getting harder to feel this hurt”. She hugged me and had to go to her next client.

I left and went to get something to eat as I still had another appointment to attend later that day, I sat at a cafe in the sun trying to soak up the rays I ordered a coffee and a roast broccoli salad with brown rice, baby beets, chicken, pumpkin and asparagus it was nice Henry to be in the sun, to eat something good, afterwards I left and I sat on a big patch of grass by the edge of ocean taking my shoes off and feeling the blades of grass under my feet, trying to ground myself, trying to ground myself when I feel like I am swept up in a hurricane, trying to ground myself when I feel like the wind won’t let my feet touch the ground.

I enjoyed as much sun as I could then off to a psychologist appointment, As soon as I walked in more tears, “I don’t want to hurt anymore” I said, we talked, we talked about so much “You need to take your stick down” she said to me “The one you are holding to yourself be kinder to yourself more gentle” It’s so hard Henry, I always have put a lot of pressure on myself even before you and I still continue to now. We talked some more about your Dad about his grief, we discussed the fact how we both have our own grief, then there’s our grief together as Henry’s parents, then theres both of us trying to work out how to support the other in their grief “Thats very complicated” she said. It is Henry it really is, we talk your dad and I all the time, we are open with one another about exactly how we feel, but it can be so incredibly hard to see the other hurting and to not be able to help, to not be able to fix it, as this can’t be fixed only carried. It can be difficult I told her as your Dad is the only one who can truly know the pain I feel. I sat with her talking and coming to the conclusion that your Dad and I, both of us need to let our friends know more of what we need, that we need company, we need to be included, we need to feel supported and looking at how they can do that. Our friends may not understand, but they don’t have to understand to offer support, if we can somehow communicate the support we need.

I thought as I made my way home Henry, I thought about how could your Dad and I do that, how can we ease the heaviness of this? how can we let others know what we need. We both used to love cooking, maybe it would help if we started having people over for dinner more often, it might mean we will be more inclined to cook, maybe it means sending out more messages to let ask friends if they have time during the week to pop by,  It is hard to know, its hard to tell but we need to do something Henry, your Dad and I need to continue to work our way, we need to ask for help to carry the load where we can even if its only for a short while.

We continue trying to conceive a sibling for you Henry, we continue doing everything that we absolutely can, I am trying to hold on to the hope that it might happen, I try to hold on to hope things will get lighter, I try to hold on to hope that we can do this, but its a juggling act Henry, because this grief we carry is already heavy, so heavy we often bow under its weight and its as though with this we have to hold on to the love, the aspects of hope and I feel like we are not allowed to drop them on the ground, so we are constantly in this state of trying to rearrange them and where they fit so we can keep walking. its such a delicate balance that can fall at any time, and I guess in those moments it does we have to dust everything off and try to work out how to carry it all again.

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Washing cycles

The world keeps spinning and I’m still in it, it won’t stop, won’t let me out.

Every month feels like a washing cycle Henry. One big long washing cycle… I get to the end of each cycle month and I am done that’s it I have been through the spin cycle, hung out to dry, worn and used, then comes the bit where it all starts again, I need to refocus, sit begins I am surrounded by those suds with the promise of coming out like new, sparkling, and so it begins.

Half way through the wash cycle I think I have been here a while is this not done yet, I would really like to stop now, it’s been long enough lets hang out in the sunshine, but nope it keeps washing, then rinsing. By the time we get towards the spin cycle I am already tired, spinning…. do we have too, I’m already tired and dizzy and feel like I can’t take anymore, but nope got to go through that spin cycle right? wring out all that water I’m holding on to so I will be able to float in the sun to dry.
 
I’m done, finally the spinning has stopped and for some brief moments, but never long enough, I do float on the line in the sun, with some hope of easier days ahead…. hold on whats happening your bringing me in, I need to get to work… but I am enjoying that sun, and so it goes I am used….. my period arrives the hope I held on to while drying in the sun disappears and I keep going, then it stops and I think ok back in the washer, with the promise, the hope of coming out shiny and new and perhaps staying in the sunshine a little longer.

Sometimes the washing machine might break down halfway through, it might stop, things don’t go as they should, you never know if it’s going to go as smoothly as it can it or be a bumpy ride.. but round and round I go.

After some really dark days Henry, days with no light, I’m at the start of that washing cycle again, maybe if I’m new and sparkly the darkness may disappear, but there are some stains that will stay no matter what.

This morning Henry, this morning I got up after very little sleep to see the GP, I had to go I didn’t want too… my GP is on maternity leave 😕 ironic isn’t it… so I had to see another GP I’ve seen her before but to go in and see someone trying to explain things again.. I had to go to renew my care plan for seeing the psychologist, not a fun task and also Henry to get a referral for the ob/gyn, the one we will end up seeing with your siblings.. it’s time to touch base now, touch base to try to do some more planning, work on ways to take steps in the right direction so we do have siblings for you.

It was hard Henry I sat in the waiting room trying to keep tears at bay. Two other ladies sat in the waiting room with me… don’t cry, don’t cry don’t cry I repeated to myself over and over as I waited for the Dr. Keep focused, don’t cry when you walk in either.. you can do this, you can do it… you got this. As I listened to  others make polite conversation and tried to force a polite smile when they looked at me.

All the pep talks in the world and I couldn’t keep it together.. once I sat down in front of the GP tears and lots of them, we went over again some of the details, of what had happened, she said to me I can’t even call it a stillbirth Kristy thats not what this is, not with what happened and what they should have done.

We sat and I had to fill out a questionnaire, how often have you felt nervous in the past four weeks, hopeless in the past four weeks, tired for no reason in the past four weeks, like there’s no reason to get out of bed etc etc etc multiple choice questions ranging from rarely to all of the time, of course most of my answers were most and all of the time. Fuck this is just so fucking unfair Henry.

The sad thing is, only so many sessions are subsidised, even then it’s only half, I still pay a substantial amount… but now I’m up for paying the full amount, you might think no cost to my mental health right, but seriously we shouldn’t even be here in this situation… if jobs were done we wouldn’t and yet now I’m left paying well over $100 a session to be able to talk to someone which is important, but seriously Henry I don’t know what people could do if they didn’t have the money, not that we have but we get by. Another flaw in the system.

The GP talked me through some things I eventually managed a small laugh, tears are good she said, that laugh you do you always did that while pregnant even while you were so incredibly sick you would still come in here smile and laugh she said.. you never complained just took it as it came.

After an hour with the GP, longer than I expected, as we had discussions on sleep and other things.. I went to get a coffee and was going to head to the beach for some time alone with the calming waves.. I got my coffee in the car drove off once I got further around the corner I finally took a sip and blergh!!! What’s wrong with this, I realised they had given me soy milk instead of skim… I had a small laugh to myself not haha laugh but an ‘of course’ laugh (only me).. I was hoping the wrong coffee wasn’t setting the standard for the rest of my day, but even if it was, well it wouldn’t matter because I already feel at my lowest point anyway.

I sat at home with an instant coffee in the sun, your dad was sleeping as he had come off a night shift, I so desperately wanted him to wake up so I could just hug him, but I also wanted him to sleep for as long as he needed to as I know he’s exhausted. I know Henry life will continue to go on, I know it won’t stop for us or anyone else, I know there’s so much unfairness in this world, I know we are not the only ones to have experienced trauma and tragedy, I know… I keep trying to say we will keep going, I think maybe sometimes come on… life has to improve something good has to come our way we are such good people, yet life doesn’t work that way, if it did people wouldn’t be everywhere hurting.

I try to sit and tell myself that I can be strong, I can do this, I can smile, we will laugh again, we will get there, wherever there is?

New Growth. 🌱
My love for you is like no other

This love of a mother

When I think it couldn’t get any stronger,

It intensifies with each breath I take

now I’m breathing for two,

for me and for you.

I’ll continue to live my life,

It won’t be easy without you by my side.

I’m not saying I’ll be able to do it greatly at first,

I’m not saying it won’t hurt,

but I’ll do it for me, I’ll do it for you

I’ll do it for your incredible Dad too.

I’ll fight through, I’ll battle on,

it’s not a war to win or a race to be won,

but rather it’s a recreation of myself

of finding who I am without you in my arms

but still as your mum.

It’s going to take a lot of time

a lot of work especially on my mind

it’s like learning to walk, I’m not even crawling

And sometimes I wonder will I make it to morning.

All I can do is continue

While I hope those around me can offer water when needed,

Add some fresh soil to top me up,

I may have to survive harsh conditions,

I’m not saying I won’t wither a little at times.

Sometimes I may shed what’s not needed

Or do some pruning, to allow myself the best chance.

Because what are the choices live or die

It’s only for you I’ll do it, for you Henry I’ll try.

I’ll keep growing in to my new self. 🍃

Hopefully I’ll grow into something beautiful 🌿

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I sat with your Dad this afternoon by the water as he ate his pie for his breakfast, two ducks swam along in the distance “See the ducks?” your Dad asked me “I did, I wish I was a duck” I replied “Why?” your dad asked me “Well I could just calmly swim along in the water just like that then get shot and eaten” I said “Geez babe” he replied “Here I was thinking I was going to get a nice happy story and bam oh shot dead and eaten, you’d be the duck that stands right in front and still be there afterwards” he said to me. we laughed, yep Henry our sense of humour and things we augh at, at the moment is a bit twisted but at least we laughed, your Dad asked if I was going to title my next blog entry that ‘duck swim bam dead eaten’ I said perhaps… we held each other close. “We got this” he says to me.

I love your Dad Henry and I love you, I will keep working to find my way through the dark, I will keep doing things to try and help those moments, the anxiety, the panic, the extreme sadness and flashbacks… I will do my very best in the hope for a lighter future.

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Darkness…. and sometimes there’s nothing happy to say!

You will always be my incomplete melody.

How do I find my way out of this darkness Henry? even when its light outside, even when the sun is out I have clouds, big dark clouds that have surrounded me and not in the warm embracing hug kind of way, but in the they surround me so tightly I feel as though I’ll suffocate and can not breathe properly… Nothing helps me see through them, some days they are so incredibly thick I wonder if I will catch a breath.

Your Dad brings with him a little light, he’s the only one who can completely reach in through the clouds to find me in there, I suppose it’s because he is the only other one I know who understands exactly how I feel, he’s the only other one I know misses and longs for you as much as I do, he’s the only one who loves you as much as I do.

One day, one day I will be with you, as a mother should, one day I will get to hold you tight, show you all this love I have for you, one day… I can’t tell you the amount of times I have wished for that day, the amount of times where I have had thoughts when driving of ‘I wouldn’t crash my car but if it did crash I wouldn’t mind’ or of those moments before I finally find sleep thinking ‘I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wake up in the morning’ Its not that I’m seeking out and acting on ways to be with you but if those things just happened well as I said I wouldn’t mind.

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I have had a tough week Henry, last week I found some peace in planting, gardening, in hope… hope that we will have siblings for you, hope we will find that light in the darkness, hope that we can get through despite the pain and will have better days… But this week all hope was gone, tears come thick and fast on various occasions, my period arrived another shattered piece to my already broken heart. “It’ll happen” people say “Don’t stress” people say “Relax”…… ‘Yep, yep, yep, and yep’ all easy to say when they haven’t lost whats most precious to them, all easy for them to say when they haven’t experienced ten years of infertility before hand and then lost their first child due to negligence and all easy of them to say when they don’t have empty arms and broken hearts, I know they mean well Henry I know they do and I appreciate that people care but no one knows what will happen and relaxing is hard when you are where we find ourselves.

I feel as siblings may be the only way we find some light back in our lives. Yet each month that passes its harder to hold on to that hope that it will happen. I know it hasn’t been long in the big scheme of things Henry, but when you are living day-to-day to get through, weeks can seem like months and months seem like years and then there’s the dreaded age factor that comes in to it too, all my life I have tried to keep myself healthy, all my life I have kept positive, I haven’t let my circumstances get me down… For ten long years I longed to be a mum and then finally I knew about you and that all got taken away, because someone didn’t want to do their job. Siblings will never replace you but they may bring a joy to our lives, they may help to fill the empty arms we have although in those arms and our hearts there will always be an empty space that is for you.

I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of the ocean in a row-boat but with no oars to row, so I just am going wherever the tides and waves of the ocean take me and I am holding on in that boat for dear life, pleading for it not to tip over and pleading to stay inside, the sea is sometimes so incredibly rough and the boat is everywhere up and down as water pours in over the sides, sometimes so much so I feel sea-sick and other times the ocean is calm but the hot sun pours in over me burning my skin, other times at night I am cold, wet, lost and its so dark.. In that darkness I put my feet over the edge wondering if perhaps I should just allow myself to slip in to the water.

Thoughts, emotions, feelings so intense, seem so uncontrollable I wish for a way for the pain to end. I want the what ifs to leave me for a while, I want my mind to stop asking ‘why us?’ as there is no answer to that, I wish for the flashbacks that occur oh so often to stop to just give me some peace from the heaviness.

Death, loss, depression, grief all hard subjects Henry, yet I find baby loss, the loss of a child remains more taboo… People are willing to talk about their dead grandmother Henry the one who lived a good long life surrounded by those she loved, but to talk about you, our baby the fact you died… it is hard, it makes people uncomfortable and I get it, its unnatural, its out-of-order, its hard… but you know whats harder, is the thought of just forgetting you, of not talking about you, of acting like you never existed, the thought that some people think you can just be replaced by another baby. I know Henry I know others don’t know what to say, they don’t have too, honestly I find the times I want to talk about you I will lead the conversation, it’s just when there’s a reaction of changing the subject, of not acknowledging what I have said, well that just creates a bigger barrier.. I feel sometimes though, some people feel as though if I talk about you I am stuck, I am not ‘getting better’ but you are my child so just like any parent I want you acknowledged here or not.

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If someone who has lost a child talks to you about their child, their grief.. acknowledge them, acknowledge its hard, ask about their child, their favourite memory, I will be able to tell you many funny memories of when I was pregnant as I got to know you growing in there, the way your Dad joked with me if I tried to breathe in too much and would say to me “Stop poor little Timmy just got sucked in to the back wall and is wondering what the hell is going on”, the way we laughed as we went for an ultrasound and you kept turning the opposite way from the technician, we spent over an hour in there for her trying to get your measurements as you weren’t cooperating. The way you kicked me all through a video conference for work and I had to try to keep a straight face… the memories of conversations your Dad and I had.. If a bereaved parent wants to talk about their child they will lead the way, sometimes those conversations might be tough, sometimes it might be about how much they are hurting… On the tough days where it’s too much and they don’t talk about it or they can’t… sit with them, offer to take them out to distract them but don’t be offended if they can’t either.. its like balancing on a tight rope with weight on both sides and we have to constantly ensure the weight is distributed evenly to keep ourselves on the rope and prevent from falling.

This week, four days out of this week, I have come home at different times to find Snikkers has been in your room, she’s been in your room and gotten out your toys, leaving them around the house, so funny going from not wanting to go in to that room at all when I was setting it up for you to now she wanders in often and gets out your things, I would have loved to have seen her with you. I also heard Missy wander in there yesterday as she rustled her nose around in some bags I still have with items in there beside the chair.

Yesterday as your Dad left for work Henry, it was not only dark suffocating clouds that surrounded me but storm clouds, with loud thunder, lightning strikes and I held on to him so tight, sobbing in to his chest not wanting him to go, not wanting to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings, not wanting to…. After he left I sobbed in to my hands until no more tears fell and then stared blankly at what was on the TV until I could summon the strength to make myself dinner and find my rational thoughts again, spending some time thinking about the future and steps to get there…

An extremely bad night last night Henry where your Dad got home from work just after 1am and when he got in to bed he just pulled me to him and held me tight while I sobbed and silent tears poured down his cheeks as he reminded me “We can do this” and then he pleaded for me to say it back to him, I ever so quietly somehow found my voice and agreed that we could, but sometimes my heart wonders whether we can.

Today I found it hard to get out of bed, as I have most of this week, but your Dad turned the shower on so I got up and in to the shower where I sobbed bent over in the bottom of the shower wondering where I might summon the strength from today, I eventually got myself out and got ready so we could go food shopping, despite the strong emotions, despite how hard it is the things I know we can do is look after ourselves physically, so we do I still exercise even though I cry in my car the whole way to the gym, I still cook healthy meals even though it would be so much easier to eat jam toast.

After doing what we needed to do your Dad and I played a really bad game of tennis, out in the sunshine we hit the ball to one another where we could and missed it more times than we hit it, we laughed at one another attempts and each others antics to try to make the other laugh while on the court. I can not thank your Dad enough Henry for those little moments, the ones where I feel a little bit like the sun has shone through those clouds.

After we returned home your Dad cooked us an amazing brunch as the storm rolled in, thunder, hail, lightening and then rain but only for a short time. Now as I have washed up and tidied the house he is out in the garage making progress on our car, sanding, scrubbing, smoothing getting it as prepared as he can. I know your Dad will make you proud with the effort he puts in to it.

I sit and I type to you, I type with that constant feeling of exhaustion that I feel, I type with that longing, I type with the feeling of wondering how we do this, I type knowing I won’t always have happiness or a funny story to tell because sometimes Henry this journey is just so very dark. I type though knowing how much love I have for you and your Dad, how much love that I want to be here for him, all the love that I know despite how much this hurts I want to get to that day we have siblings for you, to experience and show them the love we have and to try to make you proud, please Henry just be next to me when it’s too dark and help me to find that light.

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A fathers love.

A father needs to grieve his child just as the mother can……
the grief is no less powerful because you are the man…

Fathers Day Henry, fathers day, fathers, your Dad. Your Dad is the most amazing man I know, His strength, his ability to keep going, to keep us both going, to work when he is exhausted from his grief, to keep doing things around the house, to hold me as I cry, to still put on a brave face through his heartache, to still cook, clean, care for your fur sisters. He truly is wonderful.

Fathers day, 😦 a day I have always struggled with since I lost my Dad, your grandfather, a day that every year brought with it a little hurt that I didn’t have him here, Once I knew you were on the way I couldn’t wait, I thought about how fathers day would have a positive spin, how you and I would be able to celebrate your Dad, I thought about how nice it would be to not be as sad on that day…. but instead I am now filled with more hurt, dread and pain than I could ever imagine. I feel as though there’s a boiling hot knife blade that has peirced me in the heart and one in the stomach and it is slowly and slowly getting pushed in deeper and deeper until I might completely buckle from the pain.

Dads can quickly be forgotten when it comes to grief Henry, I don’t think anyone truly releases the toll it takes on your Dad. He comes home so exhausted from work yet continues to go and work as he needs to, he often still wakes in the early hours of the morning to his thoughts and cries softly as to try not to wake me, he often doesn’t realise I am awake anyway and can hear him, sometimes I will hug him, other times I let him be as I know he needs to be left alone. There’s a stigma attached to men and grief, they should be strong, men shouldn’t cry.. but why Henry why is this so? why is this out there? as your Dad has lost the most precious thing to him on this earth, he lost his little boy, of course he’s sad he thinks of you 24/7 like I do, I see him turn away when we see a newborn down the street, I see him take the long way to walk to where we are getting to, to avoid the couple with the pram. I see the hurt he carries, its evident in his shoulders, his eyes, in the way he sits on the lounge at night with no energy, its in the way he carries himself now, a usually upbeat positive person and you can see the slight change. His grief is as heavy as mine and there should be no shame in showing it.

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What do I give your Dad on father’s day? there’s nothing that can take the agony away, nothing that makes any of this the slightest bit better… Nothing! I ended up getting your Dad a camera lens he has always wanted, It arrived on Tuesday so I decided I would give it to him early. I gave him his gift, he smiled, he was excited to put it on to his camera and he looked through the lens “look at this” he said “Look at how much of the room it captures”, it’s a special fish eye lens Henry so is shaped to capture a wider view. I looked at your Dad smiling and then thought to myself he gave me the greatest gift ever… You!! tears poured down my face I started to sob your dad hugged me “Whats wrong?” he asked me “You gave me the greatest gift ever in Henry, despite everything you gave me him and nothing, nothing seems ever good enough to thank you for that” I replied to him between sobs “We gave him to one another, he’s always out little boy” he replied holding me a little tighter.

Today Henry, fathers day has brought with it so much hurt and pain, I had another little gift for your Dad this morning, I had got him a stubby holder and bottle opener with Dad’s beer on it, I had hoped upon hope that I might be able to give those to him today with the news we would be expecting a sibling for you, but sadly not, I took a test just in case but no…. one lonely line on its own, one lonely line that is getting harder to see.

This morning your Dad as he woke I wished him ‘happy fathers day’ it felt so incredibly wrong saying it, but I also wanted to acknowledge it as he is your Dad, “I’m sorry” I said as I saw the tears form in his eyes, “no don’t be” he said “Thank you” I gave him his gifts and he could barely look at them I began to cry and hugged him so very tight we lay there together in tears, It hurts so much Henry to see your Dad hurting, it hurts that I can not in any way take his pain away.

I cooked your Dad breakfast, Poached eggs, bacon, spinach, avocado, grilled tomato with herbs and mozzarella, I did it because I would have always done it for him on father’s day… Yet it just felt so wrong without you here, I had pictured the two of you snuggled in bed together, me giving your Dad breakfast in bed, us going on a lunch picnic to the beach sitting in the sand, watching as you felt it on your toes.

We tried to keep ourselves busy working on your corner of the yard, using the power saw, drill, we chopped fence pailings to continue making a screen, your Dad got me using the saw, and drill laughing at me at times, especially at my method of holding the paling with my leg to balance it when I was putting screws in, but as always he was patient, helpful and kind. Once we had done some of it we stopped for a bit, tears again from your Dad he tried to walk away to not show them, I just hugged him as hard as I could. We lay in the sun on the deck outdoors both exhausted, drifting in and out of light sleep until your Dad decided he would mow the lawn, it didn’t really need it but I think he just needed to keep himself busy, keep himself doing something… half way through your Nanny and Poppy came over your Dad could not stop to talk his tears came out down his face as he weeded the garden and did what he could to keep himself busy until they left.

Will it ever get lighter? will it ever Henry, as your Dad and I continue to face more firsts, more reminders you are not here, this week we saw the day 12 months ago I got my positive pregnancy test and we learnt of your existence, we keep climbing this incredibly steep mountain Henry, we climb it carrying these heavy awkward bags and pray daily for it to feel lighter, for the mountain not to be so steep and for some rest. It feels at the moment like we are barely holding on, like any moment we could fall from the mountain and hit the ground. Today seeing the pain your Dad is in, his body is sore from the climb, his heart can’t take any more, his hands are finding it hard to grip, today seeing it I almost wanted to let go, I wanted to let go and hit the ground as I don’t want the pain anymore.

Fathers day last year Henry, we had so much hope, so many dreams had begun to develop, fathers day last year I had spent all afternoon while your dad was at work cooking your dad an amazing dinner meal to come home to so we could celebrate we were expecting you. Fathers day last year taking one bite of my dinner was the first time I was sick, I remember taking the bite and wanting to vomit, it surprised me how quickly it happened how quickly it came on… last year was so different.

The other night I had a dream, I dreamt of you, your Dad was at work, I dreamt I was carrying you in to the water, as I started to walk in to the ocean the waves became rough and I was holding you so tight to my chest worried you would get hurt, I made my way out of the water with you, in my dream you were still passed away, yet once I got out of the water you opened your eyes, you opened your sweet blue eyes and looked at me, I shook my head in disbelief, you opened them again and touched my chest with your hand, as you touched my chest again I felt it physically and I woke saying your name. it was so bittersweet, as my dream had seemed so real, yet here I was again awake in this cruel world where you are not once again, tears streamed down my face and I looked at the time 1:11am on the 1st! I wondered if that meant something all of those number 1’s I look for meaning in so much these days to have some connection to you.

Your Dad Henry is one of the most beautiful, gentle souls I know..  I have said to the psychologist on more than one occasion how I wish, I wish with all I have that he was not going through this, he doesn’t deserve this (I mean no one does), he would have been the most loving father, he told me so often how he wanted to take you for walks, he wanted to make sure he would be there for you be involved, he talked about having you in the garage as he worked on things, he talked about how he would take you in the ocean, how we would always make sure there were adventures outdoors for you. I just wish somehow I could take your place, I wish it could be me where you are and you here with your Dad, I would give anything for him to be able to hold you so close and care for you and watch you grow.

A fathers love, your Dad loves you so much Henry bear, he loved you from the moment he knew you existed, that love grew as you grew in my belly and he played you music and talked to you, that love expanded the moment you were born and he saw you I saw it in his eyes in his face, just so much love for you and that love your Dad has for you his son, that love, a fathers love it will last for his whole life.

Hope Henry, I tried to have hope this week, to hold on to it, I repotted the plant in your room as its growing so well, I even brought another little plant putting that in there for your siblings to let them know they are welcome too, I did it all being hopeful, yet just like the tide changes, just like the swell of the ocean my hope changed too, it changed from having some to feeling there is none at all. Yet Hope really is all we have, I can only hope Henry, as we try to hold on, that I can help your Dad, I can help him carry his heavy load as he helps me carry mine, I can only hope that we can find some happiness, I can only hope that we might be blessed soon with your siblings to show them the love we have, and bring some joy to our lives. I can only hope this gets lighter, I can only hope you know how wanted you were and loved you are. I can only hope that love gets us through.

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Arthur and Martha or is it Ian and Eileen?

I’m tired Henry, this week I have kept myself incredibly busy and I am tired, I am not sleeping and I am tired and I’m both mentally and physically just tired, how I wish so very much this tiredness was due to me looking after you and not from this grief, I really need some rest, some sleep.

This morning after three busy days Henry I lay in bed, I lay in bed and just let the tears flow, thoughts of who you’d be, how old you would be now, what you would be doing, your personality, what would make you laugh? what would make you cry? would you like the water like we had wanted you too? all of those thoughts swirl and swirl and swirl around again like the tornado in my mind, they keep going and I can’t stop them, I will always wonder for the rest of my life who you would have been.

I look at your pictures, oh that nose, that little nose of yours, that hair it gets me every time, I think you are just so beautiful, just perfect, I still remember that when you were born and placed on to my chest those amazing feelings of look at you! Look at this perfect beautiful amazing boy we created, its feelings of pride of love tinged with the hurt of not being able to take you home of never getting to hear that cry.

I had a beautiful friend message me this morning, 3:30am this morning mind you but I didn’t see it until later on when I woke up.. ‘I dreamt about Henry being a number 5 in numerology, you find out you are pregnant in Henry’s 5th month, on the 5th of September, you are due in may the 5th month, 5 is the shape of a pregnant lady and 5 is also one of my favourite numbers she says…. and at the end of the message I hope there will not be 5!!…. wow I thought as I read that message…… lets hope so, as September you would have been 5 months old, my next cycle begins just before 5th September, I would be due in May if I fell pregnant then, 5 is the shape of a pregnant lady…    and heck Henry if you wanted to send us five siblings well I would take them all! ‘Send all the babies’ as another friend and I joke.

Positive ovulation tests this week, your Dad and I are doing all we are supposed too, I am trying to be mindful, trying to be positive about it as much as one can in our circumstances and well I haven’t tried standing on my head yet but I can not find any concrete evidence to say that’s a proved method to help.

Your Dad has kept me laughing where he can especially after the discussion about his drunk sperm, I told him he can’t be drinking too much his sperm will be drunk, he then decided after several drinks to reenact for me what his drunk sperm would be like, I could try to explain this, I could try and put it in to words Henry, but I think it’s just best I leave it with the actual video itself, I sort of half have permission from your Dad to post it so I think I am just going to go ahead with that half permission… I am sure you’d agree.. Although if his sperm is trying to swim like this we have no hope 😮

The Chinese medicine acupuncture lady I have been seeing is called Irene, your Dad keeps telling me about this song ‘come on Irene’, I have had no idea what is talking about he finally played the song for me the other night just before we went to jump in to bed, turns out it’s actually ‘come on Eileen’ “Does that mean we could make an Eileen tonight?” I said to your Dad “Arrrrr” he screamed in Homer Simpson fashion “come on Ian” he began to sing… Arthur, Martha, Ian, Eileen… You better send us half a soccer team.

As we laid in bed it was so cold Henry, so damn cold, our air conditioner has decided the heating part is no longer going to work properly with it only blowing cold air… so as we jumped in to bed flannelette sheets, and our pyjamas and socks on… I cuddled in to your Dad “hmm how are we supposed to do this?” I asked “I’d like to touch you but my hands are too cold” I said “don’t you touch me without warming your hands up” your dad replied… “perhaps we need knitted onesies” your dad suggested “With holes for our doodles” …. “our doodles?” I asked laughing “Well no one for mine and a hole down below towards the back a little for you…… and one for your mouth” your Dad replied, cue  my inappropriate laughter here Henry “For you to breathe” your Dad said realising where his comment had led but it was too late, but at least we were laughing….. there’ll be no knitted onesies Henry I can assure you of that.

The days are all so different Henry, I have had days this week where I felt ok, then Tuesday afternoon after being busy for the day I found myself crippled by the pain, I couldn’t move, I lay down on the bed crying and crying the tears wouldn’t stop… I could feel it, feel it all throughout my body, grief Henry this grief is physical my body aches, it longs for a baby it thinks it should be looking after, my arms wonder why I am not holding you, my chest aches to hold you close, my eyes look for you, my ears listen out for cries I will never hear, my lips long to kiss your sweet face, my nose tries to seek out that smell of you as newborn baby, my stomach these feelings all sit in my stomach and it aches too, for the baby it held for 9 months, the little boy who should be here, for you.

The other day while in the car Henry an Angus and Julia Stone song ‘Other things’ came on, I had a little giggle at this as when we had been trying to choose songs for your service in those really difficult raw moments your Dad played the intro to that song, just the music part “What about this?” he had suggested, “ummmmmm you know the first line to that song is ‘go put the cat outside’ kinda not appropriate” and we had laughed a little, as the song was on I decided to listen to more of the words lines such as ‘theres a plane in the sky if those people fall they will die’ and ‘I’ll see you later tomorrow’ I thought to myself oh my gosh Henry could you imagine if we played that song…. I told your Dad about those lines when I got home and we had a little laugh.

I sit, I try, I remind myself of what we need to do, it still doesn’t stop that feeling of sometimes just wanting to be with you, where you are, you are my child, my baby of course I want to be with you, it’s where my heart says I should be, I just keep trying keep thinking of your Dad, your fur sisters and your future siblings and that’s what keeps me here, I wish there was some way, some way we could visit with you, how wonderful it would be to hold you to me once more.

Today Henry I was able to spread the story of another little boy, one gone too soon, his mum had created some cards to spread Simon’s smile.. she sent me some with a gift, so today I did my first random act of kindness paying for the next persons coffee and leaving a card with it, so that person may then spread that random act of kindness on to someone else. I had a bad morning so it was nice to do this to possibly add that kindness to someone else’s day.

I have an idea for a few other things I want to do in your name, but I have to make a few things first, so its been taking a little time to put together but I will get there, I will be sure to let everyone know once I do..

Its edging closer and closer to fathers day Henry, I was talking to my psychologist today about this, I am feeling so much emotion for your Dad about approaching this day, within the week leading up to fathers day last year we found out we were expecting you, I am not sure what to do for your dad on this day, does he want to go out but be amongst families everywhere, does he want to stay home and hide? I don’t know… I want to ask but I don’t want to upset him, I know I write a lot to you about how I am feeling, but I think of how your dad s feeling and coping all of the time, I often want to do all I can to ease the pain for him, even though I know this pain really can not be eased… I suppose all I can do Henry is put it out there now, to others, that your Dad is grieving too, it doesn’t go away for Dad’s they feel it for the rest of their lives too. I know your Dad doesn’t read this, but I hope that I can put out there now, so that maybe he might get a message to ask ‘how you going mate?’ or maybe friends can remember to say to him ‘happy fathers day’ as he is a Dad, he is your Dad… This Sunday Henry is ‘International Bereaved Fathers day’ hopefully I can cook him some breakfast and remind him of the wonderful Dad he is and will be in the future. I only hope others can acknowledge him as a father on father’s day, even if he doesn’t respond on the day.

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I know Henry, how hard your Dad works to stay strong, I know how much he does to support me, I know how exhausted he is from working and trying to deal with navigating grief, I know he often wakes at 2:30am this is when he cries his tears, this is when his thoughts drift to how much he misses you, I know he says to me ‘It’s damn hard’ and I know he has even had to through his line of work listen and see some things lately and bite his tongue not to respond. I don’t know how he does it, but he does… I know you already know this Henry but I think your Dad is so absolutely amazing and wonderful, he loves you so incredibly much. You may have his ears…. but I know what an amazing role model he would have been for you growing up.

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