Tag: stillbirth

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday morning I woke up, got myself up and ready and off to a psychologist appointment, this lady I had not seen before so it was new for the both of us, she was kind, she seemed lovely…. I am not sure if we gel yet though…. I am not sure if she is the right fit with me. I go again next week so hopefully I will be able to figure it out so if not I can go see someone else.

After this Henry I went to see a beautiful friend, she has a little boy about 8 months old.. I wasn’t sure how I would feel, how this would go seeing her beautiful boy as she was heavily pregnant when was about 8 weeks pregnant with you… I remember us having pizza together Henry, herself another beautiful friend and I we had pizza together for our friends birthday we sat and I declined champagne as I was pregnant, I declined it as I had such bad morning sickness…. and that night I told her… I told her about you, as at that stage I was still scared, still so unsure, still getting used to the fact I was so unwell.

So I went to see her, as soon as I walked in her little man was crawling around I picked him up, a smile straight away and then as I held him, talked to him I got lots of giggles, so many giggles, baby giggles are the sweetest sound, it was ok Henry I was ok, but it was bittersweet I will never hear your giggle, something I had thought so much about while pregnant with you, about sharing with you the laughter your Dad and I always shared… that laughter Henry is much less these days, we still have our moments, we do still laugh but not like did before, I wonder will we ever be able to laugh as much as we used to?

I stayed to have cups of tea, cake and for a chat… We talked about you, about your birth, about things which shouldn’t have occurred and things which didn’t occur but should have. She told me about her birth with her little boy, It made us both sad… both not great experiences and she was lucky to have her little boy here… It made me determined Henry, determined to see some things I have been doing through.

After I left her place, I got in the car as I was driving along one of your songs came on, as it did I just let the tears fall, the tears for you, tears of love, tears of that bittersweet feeling of seeing my friends beautiful boy, tears for plans we had made to catch up when you were here, of walks we might do with the both of you… walks you’ll never be here for.

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday I got my period. I messaged your Dad he was at work, we were both disappointed, we had both been hoping, wishing for a different outcome… but that wasn’t what we got… ‘right that’s the last one for a while’ your Dad typed in a message ‘its not fair 😦 ‘ I typed ‘like I said last one we can do this it just wasn’t meant to happen when we need to keep getting ourselves healthy’…. ‘or my body is just shit’ I replied. ‘Not at all babe we have done this and can again love you’ … ‘love you’ I replied.

I messaged a friend and told her I got my period too, ‘fucked up’ was her reply followed by a ‘you ok?’ I told her I didn’t know, I typed ‘I guess I need to learn to deal with it’ … ‘its just so fucked’ she said followed by ‘nervous the song just came on… ‘ ‘Those are the only words which accurately describe my life right now … nervous???’ I replied not sure what song she was talking about ‘by Gavin James’ she replied I you tubed the song Henry to know which one she was talking about still unsure why she had mentioned it ‘ahh I have heard that one on the radio a couple of times’ I said to her ‘That’s the one from Henry’s service??’ she typed ‘no’ ‘lol’ I replied ‘what song was on while you scattered the ashes’ .. ‘not about angels by Birdy’ I replied …. I then followed it with ‘I love that you heard your own song I was a little confused the other day when you said you kept hearing henry’s song on the radio’ I was laughing so much by this stage Henry ‘Totally have been going why did they choose this song’ she replied I laughed some more Henry as the song she thought it was would not have made any sense….. She had even been telling her family to shoosh every time it came on the radio… I kept laughing Henry I needed that laugh.

Tuesday afternoon Henry I sat for a while, I sat tired, deflated, just sat… until I finally got myself up, washed up, did a poo patrol of the yard and made the bed, once I had done that your Dad got home.

Wednesday Henry I woke up, I had an appointment to get too, I went along to my appointment, a beautiful friend had driven from Sydney to meet me after my appointment, we sat and had brunch and a coffee together… We talked about lots of things, and of course you… I told her about how I was worried what if we couldn’t have a sibling for you, what if it didn’t happen, I told her how in my lowest moments I had given myself a date, that if it hadn’t happened by that date I really didn’t want to be around anymore. I do want to be here Henry as much as I want to be with you… Life just hurts a lot and that can be hard, so hard to work through. We went for a walk after brunch.. I later got a text from my friend who said ‘I had a stern talk to the universe on my way home about babies and stuff’….. Henry I may not feel like the universe is on my side at the moment but I know my friends certainly are.

I then had some errands to run shopping to do and stopped by another friends place to drop some things off to her while there she fed me soup, then made me a coffee, our friends Henry they certainly look after us.. we had a really nice chat about their upcoming holiday, house stuff, trying for babies, music and so many things of course you too, you always come up, you do as you are so important to me, as we are grieving and need to talk it through. I then played hide and seek with her two beautiful children for a little while, laughing as they yelled out talking to me as I was trying to find them which gave me a pretty good indication of where they were but pretending I didn’t know anyway.. Laughing with them as I found them and lots of cuddles from them.

I got home not long before your Dad arrived home from work Henry, he hugged me so tight. We started to cook dinner together, as we did so we talked to one another about each others day, I told him about my conversation with my friend, about the date and how we had talked joked and she let me talk about it, Your Dad joked with me “well I better just start a tinder account now then” I laughed… as I moved to get some of the gluten free flours for the tortillas I was making “No no” he said to me “You can’t have that you’re not going to be here I am only cooking for the puppies and I” he then turned to your fur sisters and said “we need to be on the beach for a new mother kids” I laughed “Thats it I am sticking around just to annoy you now” I said to him and stuck my tongue out… This conversation to a lot would seem strange Henry, but talking to others many bereaved parents I know, not all but a lot of them I have connected with have had similar conversations.

Your Dad and I ate dinner, then snuggled on the lounge, we snuggled until the state of origin came on where your Dad becomes very vocal and moves, stands up and yells at the TV. Snikkers got scared of his yelling and took herself to bed, me I messaged a friend back and forth and missy managed to settle and sleep.

Today Henry, I got up at 5:45am as a friend asked me to go with her to check out a training session, I had barely slept throughout the night with lots of images from your labour and birth replaying in my mind… but I got myself up anyway, I got myself up just in time jumped in the shower and drove to her place, we drove from there to the training session… It was tough, really tough a long session, a big one with a different style of training than I am used to… But I kept going, I pushed, she pushed and we got through it, laughing on the way out afterwards about our already wobbly legs which I know will be incredibly sore tomorrow… I felt good for exercising. We stopped and had breakfast together, as we sat and had breakfast my friend talked to me, she asked me about your birth, about the events, about what had happened as I explained it all to her… she got angry, she felt sad, she said it wasn’t good enough.

We went to your beach afterwards we walked on to the sand so she could check the surf, it wasn’t very consistent, she left to go in chase of the surf, I left to head home… as I did, as I drove down the road tears started just falling uncontrollably, they just came out of no where and kept coming, I had to pull over for a moment I couldn’t see, I pulled over and sobbed in to my hands… you should be here I thought to myself so much could have been done so differently and you would be here I thought to myself… It is so hard Henry, so hard to process it all, I only hope in the coming weeks as we tick certain things off our list that it helps us to process it all…

I got home and curled up under a blanket on the lounge,  I lay down crying still… Snikkers cried at me too and put her paw to me like she knew, she continued to try to then settled near me.. I switched on the TV I remembered something a friend had suggested I watch, ‘interview’ with Andrew Denton when he interviewed Rosie Batty, such an amazing incredible woman Henry, her 11 year old sons life was taken by his father, she is so amazingly strong, such strength and while I can never in a moment imagine her pain and suffering as it is different circumstances she said one thing I believe applies to anyone who has experienced child loss “You never get over it and I feel this ‘oh my gosh how can I feel like this for the rest of my life’. This is too much. If I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life I don’t know if I want to keep going and I can see why people don’t”….  That Henry, those words sum it up perfectly, I think she is a brave woman to say it, to get it out there as it lets people like me know my grief, my feelings are completely normal and with her saying it, it lets me know its ok for me to talk about it too.

I also found this blog post on an instagram page I follow, this one section reminds me I am doing ok, the best I can…. grief has no timeline, complicated grief or unexpected grief as it sometimes called with an out of order or unatural death… from those I have connected with it can last a long time, it doesn’t mean we wont smile, we wont keep moving, but I think we need to realise each day is different.

After that Henry a friend messaged, message from the right friend at the right time, she called, we chatted and talked about how each other was going, we even chatted about ‘joyous cheese’ as she had bought light babybel cheese instead of normal babybel cheese “it tastes like they take all the joy out” she said “I think they take the fat yep that’s what they take out” she said “what the joy?” I asked stirring with us both laughing… “maybe thats what I need” I said “joyous cheese will that help?” while I wish joyous cheese would help Henry it’s certainly not the answer

We talked for 3 hours before we knew what time it was, but it was what I needed, it was what I needed today to get me through the day, today.

I have done ok this week Henry with your Dad returning to work, I have managed, I am proud of us both as it’s a step up the ladder this week. I am so incredibly proud of your Dad returning to work, he is amazing, he has done so well and well I have done ok too without him.. I miss him I miss him incredibly while he is at work, but I know you’ll look after him.

This week, this week your cheeky fur sister Snikkers must be thinking of you, or you are getting her to let us know you are around, she managed to get your little blue bear down the other day while we were out and I found it near her bed outside, another day she got in to your room and bought some of your clothes out :O She did have a look on her face when I asked her what the bear was doing outside.

 

As I sit and type this afternoon Henry, there’s a big storm outside, Thunder, Lightning, Hail, as I sit and type Henry a storm brews in my mind… It arrives as quickly as the storm outside… I sit on the bed typing and comforting your fur sisters as Missy is scared of storms, I sit and I wonder, I wonder about how you would have been with your first storm, would I have been on the bed trying to comfort Missy and you, or would you have lay here with us, not bothered by the sounds, not bothered by the lightning flashes and calm. I can’t stop crying because I just want you here, i want to be experiencing that with you, I want to experience everything with you, storms, sunshine, the good, the bad days, even the days where I may have felt like I was so tired and so frustrated from lack of sleep…. I know I wouldn’t have been the perfect parent Henry, who is? but I wish I got the opportunity to know….. it hurts the not knowing, the missed opportunities the having you taken away before most of our adventures even began.

Grief Henry, its tough, its riding the bike and crashing it, it’s getting back up after the crash, its surviving storm clouds that enter your mind over and over, its being ok one day and not the next, its working out what you think might help and deciding what won’t, its being thankful for friends who check in and just accept you how you are, ones who are willing to be ok with your answers, its having conversations you never would have imagined you would have before, its getting up and doing things and doing what you need to, its allowing yourself acceptance and kindness when you can’t… It’s love Henry all that love we have for you, so much love, a love like no other and its fighting because of that love when we need to even when we don’t have the strength.

As the days go on Henry, as they keep going by, while the world keeps spinning, as people keep going about their everyday lives… I spend my days in a haze, in a darkness, it feels never-ending, sometimes there might be some sunshine that brightens the darkness, sometimes my days feel so mechanical – make sure you get up, make sure you do something, make sure you hold yourself together, make sure, make sure…. I go on, I go on but I don’t know how and don’t know when I will find my way.

Friday Henry, Friday morning I didn’t want to get out of bed…. It was another day, another day without you, I got myself up your Dad and I went for coffee and breakfast, we sat in the sunshine… Then it was on to more of our day, to go get chicken mince for your fur sisters, to go and look for a new kettle as ours has been leaking, then on to the nursery as we wanted to get some seedlings for the garden.

Upon entering the nursery I had knots building, my stomach churned… The last time I was here was when I was pregnant with you, we had gone in and looked around as I had wanted plants for your room… I wanted to create such a beautiful and peaceful space for you… One with plants as I know they are great for air quality. I remember it so well that day I remember taking my time looking, speaking to the owner about the different types of indoor plants and ever so carefully selecting two, two plants for your room. I remember bringing them home and carefully looking at your room so I would choose the perfect spot for those plants, I wanted you to be able to see one from your cot, so placed one on top of the bookshelf close by, the other I had placed on your chest of draws.

As we walked further in I held on to your Dads hand and squeezed it, just reminding myself to breathe, the lady watering near the back greeted us with a warm smile, she explained to us they didn’t have a lot left in the seedling section but would be getting more next week, we talked about the wild wind.. I felt ok your Dad and I chose some seedlings and we made our way to the counter… As this lady with the lovely smile served us she said to us both I am not sure if you know me (your Dad did) but I have been reading your posts… She thanked me for sharing, she thanked me saying that by my writing I was helping not only people who had lost a child, but helping people in other ways too and helping them to understand. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. Thank you I replied I thanked her for reading Henry, I talked about how I wanted this to help others and how I wanted to be able to share to let people know it is ok to talk about it, how its better to talk about it. I sometimes wonder Henry and I over think and wonder if people think I shouldn’t be writing… but then to hear that… I don’t think that lady knows how much what she said meant to us both.

As we made our way home I had a beautiful friend message to see if I wanted lunch or a coffee, still full from breakfast but eager to catch up I opted for a coffee, after we got home she came to pick me up and we went for coffee. We sat for a couple of hours, she once again listened to me and my feelings and thoughts, i listened to her as we talked about family about life, what had been happening. She then told me a special story… Earlier in the year this was actually before you were born she had ordered led pencils for her son for school, custom ones with his name on them, when receiving the packet there was one pencil, one random pencil in the middle of the packet…. This one pencil had a different name on it, one that wasn’t her sons….. This pencil has the name Henry on it. My friend told me at the time how she didn’t know what to do with this pencil and didn’t know a Henry…….. but then you happened to be born.

When I got home your Dad was about to start work on your car “Do you want to help?” he asked “I’d love to” I replied I went out to the garage with your Dad to help work on the car, as usual your Dad was patient, he was easy-going and allowed me to do things not worried if I make a mistake. We worked together well, taking off the tailgate, and then working underneath the car to remove the back bumper and some older bolts… As we had our heads under the back of the car one of the bolts was quite difficult it was hard to manoeuvre and try to get it off, as I held the exhaust out of the way your Dad attempted to hold one side with spanner and work on the other side to try to loosen it, the spanner came loose it fell and banged hard against the ground, I flinched and the loud sound startled me so much “Jesus” I yelled out as it fell as it felt like the car might fall and your Dad Henry, he began laughing and laughing and laughing… he couldn’t stop the laughter and tears were coming out of his eyes. “I have never seen the colour drain from someones face so fast” he said laughing…. the laughter Henry was so infectious I began to laugh along with him.

Friday night, your Dad cooked us a fish curry, Friday night we watched better homes and gardens, we went to bed and both read….. Friday night I sad to your Dad “I don’t know how to do this” and I really don’t Henry…

Saturday morning your Dad went to boxing, he took my car thinking he would only be there half an hour, I got up as I had planned to meet up with a beautiful lady, one who had lost her adult son, herself, myself and your Nanny were going to meet on the beach, your beach. I waited for your Dad to get back, I waited and waited and waited…. I messaged him, it came time for me to go and he still wasn’t back I started the walk to your Nanny and Poppy’s place. your Dad finally phoned back said he would meet me there I snapped at him, not meaning to I just hate being late…. I snapped dropped him home and your Nanny and I headed off.

We met at our beach, we met with dried rose petals, from a bunch of roses I had bought for this special lady after she had taken the time to talk with me one day. Your Nanny also had some dried rose petals from her mother’s day flowers. We walked slowly down the stairs on to the beach, the wind blew wildly, so wildly just as it did on the day we laid you to rest there, just as it had done every other day I have decided to visit with you there… You certainly make yourself known with the wind. We walked to this special ladies spot for her son, and stood for a moment talking about him, then the three of us, we walked along the sand we stopped, we took off our shoes, rolled up our pants and we walked slowly in to the cold cold water our feet the water washed up over my feet so slowly, it was cold but refreshing it made me feel like I was alive and not just existing, we had the rose petals which we spread letting them fly through the wind in to the water. Your Nanny commented that they looked like butterflies, as they flew through the air gently flying along until they ever so softly fell barely touching the water as the small waves swept them back and forth.

I took bunches of the rose petals letting them fly from my fingers, except for one, one rose petal which I had chosen as my favourite, I had chosen this one as my favourite as it had ever so slightly curled around and within that curl around a tiny leaf, it looked like the petal was hugging the leaf, holding it ever so close. This petal the way it curled around and had captured the leaf reminded me of the way a mother may snuggle her baby, hold her baby, capture them within their arms and hold them to thier chest lovingly never wanting to let them go….. This one petal I held on to as I thought of the way I would hold you, breathe you in, this petal I held on until the end… I slowly brought the petal up to my mouth lightly placing a kiss, I bent down placing it ever so gently in to the water as I did I whispered to myself “I love you Henry” and the tears fell softly behind my sunglasses on to my cheeks.

We all hugged in the water and then as we left, we chose a rock or a shell to place in a pot plant at home. We left the windy beach washing our feet and I thought of you, of your beautiful face, of how much I loved you, of how much you have brought to my life, I thought of how much i had wanted to and would love to see your footprints in the sand, instead i’ll only ever have petals in the ocean.

As Saturday went on, your Dad and I went to look for a kettle as we hadn’t gotten one yet. We stopped at another little store in there I saw an old style canvas world map. It was exactly what I had wanted for your room, but I hadn’t found one, the colours, the size it was all perfect I mentioned this to your Dad, “Get it” he said but then I thought why? why would I be getting it, you are not here “Whats the point” I said to your Dad “It’s up to you we can out it up in his room” he replied “Why we don’t even go in there often enough” I said becoming teary your Dad said “I’ll leave it to you” something inside me still wanted to get it Henry, I don’t know why…. so I did.

On saturday Henry I recieved an email through my letters to you, an email from someone who shares a mutual friend… The email Henry was lovely, this person who i did not know had taken the time to contact me, they had thanked me for writing my letters to you, they shared with me, and they also shared some links… One of those links was to your song… The song I had played to start your service… a song which says it all (Winter Bear by Coby Grant). this person didn’t know that and by them sharing that with me, I felt like you were close… This lady had said how much she had wanted to send it but didn’t know whether too but then just felt that push… I am so glad she did as it feels like you are somehow involved like its your way communicating through others to say ‘I am here’…. It still amazes me Henry, it amazes me that there are people out there I dont even know who read my letters to you xx

Saturday afternoon I began to really feel it again, I felt the sadness engulf me, all of me swallowed in the sadness, like a dark fog surrounds and you can’t see past it. “Sit down” said your Dad as we sat on the lounge, he hugged me as we sat a friend messaged me, she messaged about making ice cream in her new thermomix, we chatted for a bit and I just thought to myself bugger it ‘do you want some company for a little while’ I asked ‘sure’ she said so I got myself together and went to see her and her family.

As I arrived at her place Henry I was greeted with the usual big hugs, smiles and laughter her beautiful children give, they showed me their rooms and changes they had made, they showed me toys, as I sat and talked to my friend I read books with them and chatted. Later her daughter got out some photo books one of her and one of her brother when they were babies, another of my friend’s wedding, she wanted us to look at the photos and we did we looked and talked about them. Her daughter then got out your bookmarks.. The ones that were made for your service “Henry” she said to me “its baby Henry” she studied the photograph of you almost looking a little sad “he died” she said “He did” I replied and I smiled at her wanting her to know it was ok for her to talk, she looked at the photo of yourself, your Dad and I on the back “Were you crying?” she asked “Yes I was because I was sad”, “His lips look like they have blood on them” she said “It’s not blood they were just very red lips” I explained “He’s yours” she said….. in that moment Henry I felt so proud as you are mine and I am proud of that so incredibly proud… “”He is mine” I replied with a smile “He’s all mine and Maggsy’s” I said.             “No he’s mine too” she said giggling… “Ok I will share” I replied, “If he was here I’d cuddle him up as mine” she replied “maybe one day when he has a brother or sister you can cuddle them anytime you like” I suggested “but what if they die too?” she asked, this broke my heart Henry only because I wasn’t sure how do I explain this to someone so small “They won’t as I will see a very special Doctor next time” I said (as I will be seeing a private obstetrician the whole way through) I sat there though Henry I sat there not knowing, I didn’t know if that was the right answer I didn’t know what to say, how to explain. I hope that’s what happens next time, I hope extra precautions are taken, monitoring that should be is done…. but yet you, you were perfectly healthy and this still happened, so how can we ever be sure.

I stayed the afternoon chatting, listening to the laughter, taking it easy and it was good. At about five I thought I better come home for dinner with your Dad, so I drove home… On the way home I stopped at the supermarket, I stopped to get some paper towel and other items we need as I entered the aisle  for toiletries I stopped, I stopped and I looked at the pregnancy tests, should I? do I? should I buy some to have at home just incase as we are trying I grabbed two packs and placed them in the basket… do I dare hope I thought to myself.

I got the shopping home and your Dad wasn’t home, I ran to the bathroom thinking maybe I could try one, just one, maybe somehow, maybe?….. I did the test and there was no second line 😦 I could have tried to kid myself, I could try to look but there was none….  I have been feeling crampy all week… no doubt my period will arrive this week as it should, no doubt I will have to somehow deal with that disappointment, no doubt I will somehow have to deal with the defeat, deal with failure of my body to hold siblings for you. I will somehow not only have to process and work through my longing for you, but my longing to hold your siblings in my womb. I know some would say it would be too early to test, but I just know, I know it hasn’t happened and it hurts, as some days I feel like the only thing which will help, the only thing I want, I need, that will keep me going is having siblings for you….

I contemplated starting dinner Henry but thought I would run a bath, whilst I was in the bath your Dad he came home but then went out again, I stayed there in the bath, I stayed there as your Dad had said before he went did I mind? I wanted to say that I did, I wanted to say that I was feeling really sad and wanted him home with me, but he has been so good Henry, he has been so wonderful and deserves a break sometimes, so instead of answering honestly I snapped, I snapped at him and told him it was up to him I didn’t care, It was wrong and I knew it but it just sort of came out. I felt so guilty but I don’t want him to feel he has to stay home for me. So he went and I stayed in that bath until the water was so cold and then willed myself to get out.

As the night went on I had toast for dinner, I tried to watch Netflix to distract myself, I sat feeling so alone, I sat feeling so much sadness, I sat thinking to myself about how this pain, how I felt like it was crushing me ever so slowly, how I might at any minute be unable to bear the weight of it anymore. Even though the lights were on in the house Henry I was in a dark place, it had become really dark and I couldn’t see a way out. I wanted to be with you, I wanted to be where I could hold you in my arms, I wanted to be where you were cuddled in to my chest safe and warm, not where you are just a memory, a photograph, I wanted the pain, the aching to be gone.

I crawled in to bed Henry weary but unable to sleep, unable to find rest, I felt as though this was too hard, I felt as though I didn’t want to do this anymore. I tried to read but couldn’t concentrate on the words, I looked at your photo once more and posted it on instagram with a poem about meeting you again, oh how I would give anything to hold your face to mine agin, to feel the softness of those cheeks. I had a friend message me to ask if I was ok? I was honest I told her how I was feeling, I told her “Tonight is shit. Tonight I feel like such a failure, Tonight I feel like my body failed, I feel like I failed Tim I failed my little boy, tonight I want to know why and I will never have that… I used to believe in positive thinking in everything happens for a reason but it’s all just shit and I have to wake up each day living it”

My friend spoke kind words, she said I was amazing, strong and beautiful and that it was fucked up and how she wished she could do something, she typed me messages and we talked. Soon it was midnight and I messaged your Dad to see where he was. He came home not long after Henry and that was it, I couldn’t help it I couldn’t hold it all in any longer as he climbed in to bed I just felt everything completely overwhelm me, if grief comes in waves this was almost a tsunami I whispered to your Dad how I didn’t want the pain anymore, how tonight I felt like I wanted to be with you and then I didn’t just sob, I howled, I howled as your Dad held me and I hugged your cushion in-between the howls I said to your Dad “I can’t do this it hurts too much, I want him here and he’s not” your Dad tried to get me to breathe to calm down “I just want him so much I love him he was so wanted why when he was so wanted” I cried “It hurts too much the pain is to much I can’t do it” as my whole body shook your Dad cried to Henry he cried as he said to me “we can do this together” he cried and said “we don’t want to put this same pain on anyone else you don’t want to put that pain on me” he reminded me of how much he loves me, he reminded me of that when he said ‘I do’ it was for life, he said to me “Henry wants siblings he wants a brother and sister he doesn’t want step brothers and sisters he wants his mum and dad to have siblings for him” and eventually I was able to breathe again, eventually I was able to calm but by this time Henry it was 2am.

Sunday morning we both woke so very tired, my eyes still puffy from all the crying and sore, I didn’t want to get up but I made myself. We went about our morning doing what we needed too, we came home and I read, I just wanted to sleep but we had to go to your Nanny and poppy’s for your uncles birthday, we went and I managed the afternoon ok, we had dinner… Your Nanny, Poppy, two uncles your aunty and your two little cousins there. I was doing ok, then the cake came out, the cake was for your uncles birthday, my birthday and your aunty… As the lights went out and we sang Happy Birthday, as your cousins blew the candles out and laughed and we did it again for them…. I looked over to the wall where the picture we got your Nanny for mother’s day hung, the birth poster an outline of a baby with your name, measurements and time of birth on it… I looked and in that moment I thought to myself this is all so wrong, you are not meant to be just a sketch on the wall, that’s not how this is, it’s not what it was going to be, you should be there in my arms, you should be smiling and looking at the bright flame of the candle, you should be being passed around amongst the family while they dote on you…. but you’re not and never will be, you’ll always now just be a picture on the wall. We will never hear your voice at family events, I’ll never have you here for my birthday….. It’ll never be.

Henry I can’t tell you, I can’t explain the pain of that moment, and the pain of the moments we have to face ahead, of getting through all the firsts and events, of working through my birthday soon, of getting through the day a year ago I found out about your existence, of working through fathers day, your dads birthday… It’s so unnatural it’s so wrong, this is not the order its supposed to go in…. we were supposed to raise you, to watch you grow old, to teach you how to walk, talk, read, ride a bike……. you weren’t supposed to go before us and certainly not before you spent time outside my womb with us…. My whole soul is shattered, my world will never be the same and I know now there won’t be a day without feeling this pain.

Today Henry, today was your Dads first day back at work, this morning as his alarm went off it filled me with dread, this morning as he left we both cried tears, and mine continued as he walked out the door, I lay there I tried to go back to sleep with little success. I got a message from a friend to check in… which was nice, after a few messages she even asked had I eaten… I hadn’t yet but said “I will” ‘ok eat up gotta have a healthy body for Arthur and Martha’ I smiled and laughed a little it reminded me of something your Dad would say to me. Today Henry I got up, today Henry I kept going, today Henry I even managed to clean the bathroom, wash both towels and sheets, cook dinner see your Nanny and Poppy and see a friend…. Today I did ok, tonight seeing your Dad walk in the door it was the best thing I had seen all day.

 

 

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday feels like it is too far away to remember yet it was only two days ago. I feel as though the days go so slow, but yet I feel like the days since we have held you have gone too fast. I said to your Dad I feel like you are too far away from us its been too long since I got to hold you in my arms, take in that sweet newborn smell and see those beautiful features of yours, your sweet sweet face, those perfect little hands, those feet with the cute little long toes… Every part of you etched in to my mind and forever will be.

Tuesday I went to get a blood test Henry, one my GP ordered to look at my hormones, to look at my iron and vitamin D levels. As I sat in the chair the lady about to take my blood looked at my form “Are you trying for your first bubba” she asked, due to the tests my GP had ordered, I took a big breath trying not to cry but tears fell from my eyes anyway “No” I replied softly “We not long lost our little boy at 39 weeks” the beautiful lady hugged me, she hugged me and then said to me “I lost two of my children in an accident, I at least had them for a short time” this form of understanding enveloped me.. The energy of the room changed from me feeling like it was about to get awkward and me anxious to being able to breathe I replied to her “to lose your child at any stage is traumatic and awful and  just because you got time with your children doesn’t make your loss less” she hugged me and said “Don’t let anyone at all put a timeline on your grief, this will be such a long and individual process and it will take so much time, you talk about this too, talk about it get it out, talk about it as much as you need too” I left there although sad, with that relieved sense that comes across when you know someone understands the absolute heartbreak.

While at home your Dad and I worked more on your garden, we have been placing up a frame to create a screen in front of the fence, your Dad had me drilling, he was so patient Henry, so patient as I tried and failed a couple of times and tried again, until we had the frame up with minimal fuss. I can’t tell you enough how amazing your Dad is, so willing to work together, to encourage me to try everything and keep me going. He would have been so patient with you.

Tuesday afternoon Henry, I had a friend call who I used to work with, it was so nice to speak with her, it was nice of her to check in. I talked about so much, about how I was feeling so anxious… anxious I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant again, anxious about how I will feel if that doesn’t happen, anxious about my birthday and becoming another year older, a birthday as I hadn’t imagined it, a birthday I had planned to celebrate with my little boy in my arms. Then there was the anxiousness about how I will face work…. I try but it is all in there along with all of my thoughts.

Tuesday night Henry, Missy wouldn’t settle, she wouldn’t sit… your Dad pulled her on to the lounge, on to his lap, she snuggled in he lay a blanket over her as I looked on always in awe of his caring and loving nature…. Your Dad looked towards the TV seeing his side profile in that moment…. I saw you, I took a picture of him and Missy, when he looked at it he said “Oh that’s an awful picture of me”, “No it’s not” I replied with tears in my eyes “as when I just looked at you in that moment I could see our beautiful boy Henry”… Your Dad he smiled at me with that look in his eyes, I could see it the ache that comes along with the love.. We looked at one another as he grabbed my hand giving it a little squeeze.

Wednesday Henry, Wednesday I woke up in tears it was hard to want to get out of bed, every part of me ached for you, to hold you. I got myself up in the shower…. I made myself move for another morning. It’s like a game of jenga you continue to take blocks and build them one on top of the other moving up but you never know the moment it comes crashing down. It didn’t come crashing down Wednesday morning but it was close. Your Dad and I got ourselves together, we went for coffee with your nanny and poppy and ended up spending the whole day with them.

Wednesday night those blocks did crash, they fell…. they came crashing down I just looked at your Dad and the tears turned quickly in to sobs, he just held me I sobbed and told him about how much I just wanted you “I just want our baby boy” I cried to him “This is so hard and I just want him here with us” I couldn’t stop the sobbing as much as I tried “Let it out” your Dad said to me “Let it out”, “It just hurts so much” I managed to get out between sobs “It certainly does, it really hurts and it’s not something we should have to be going through but we are and we will keep going for each other and Henry, the puppies and Arthur and Martha too” …. I know we do, but sometimes I just really don’t know how.

This morning Henry, this morning the alarm went off at 6am… I wanted so badly to ignore it, I wanted to not get up, I am tired Henry, sleep does not come easy, I find these days even when I am asleep it’s not deep sleep, sometimes I know I’m asleep but yet feel awake, I imagine it might be like the light sleep I may have been getting when first getting used to having you home, when worried I may not hear your cries, so I would only sleep lightly to make sure I would have heard you…. except now I am having this light sleep because you are not here, because I don’t get to hear those cries, because I never will.

Your Dad and I got up and went to pilates, it’s always good to do, to stretch, work, to be little moments which help. After pilates we came home and had breakfast then off to get some shopping and coffee, as we sat in the sun enjoying a coffee, people walked past with prams, so many people with babies, with little ones… The aching began, the thoughts swirled creating a storm in my mind “I don’t know what to do” I said to your Dad “I don’t know how to do this how to get through how to stop the hurt”, “You are doing amazingly” he replied don’t be so hard on yourself “not many people will understand” he said “as they haven’t been through something as traumatic as this”,    “But I can’t even decide anything right now, I can’t decide anything about work and future direction and what I want to do as I just want to be a mum again that’s all I want and I can not focus past that”….. “You don’t need to make those decisions right now” Your Dad said to me “You need to use the no PET analogy, no pressure, no expectations, no timeframes, don’t be hard on yourself and just keep getting through each day as you do” Your Dad smiled Henry he was pretty proud of himself for coming up with that one.

As we drove home a few mums walked with their prams in our street, I couldn’t stop the tears that had started as soon as I saw as I knew that’s what I would have been doing with you on such a beautiful sunny winters day I would have taken the opportunity to take you for a walk in the sunshine and enjoy it… once we got inside I went out to the back deck to sit in the sun, as the sun poured over me I just let go, I let the tears flow, I let them just rush down my face… Today was just one of those days.

Your Dad decided he was going for a run, I managed to get myself up with the thought while he ran I would walk your fur sisters, I feel so bad for them we don’t get out with them much at the moment, so I got myself together and took them down the oval with your Dad, Snikkers was so excited she almost sounded like a siren as she tried to run out the front door, she ran with your Dad while Missy and I walked. The she ran to me and walked with us both, buggered with her tongue hanging out of her mouth but happy.

This afternoon it was back to the Dr to get my blood test results as soon as I walked in the door one of the workers from one of our local shops was there with his baby girl, they had their baby about a month or so before we had you, I had been avoiding that shop since to not have ‘that conversation’ luckily he was busy with the receptionist I moved to the side to wait as I held back tears and then one of the other GP’s who had seen me at the beginning of the pregnancy she walked past saw me stopped and hugged me and started to talk that was it tears again as she talked to me about what happened.

I finally let the receptionist know I was here and sat to wait, I could hear the cries of the little baby girl as she went in and had her needles, I heard the receptionist talking and smiling to her after they came out and everyone in the waiting room smile about her giggle as the receptionist spoke to her and her Dad…. It’s hard to describe the feeling, I am happy for others who have their babies and children and I still love to see them too, but just at times those sounds, the sight of seeing a parent with their baby, all of it is just a reminder of all we ever wanted with you but will never get.

My GP and I discussed blood test results, all good, no problems, we then discussed how things were going, instantly tears again.. I don’t usually cry in front of her I am usually ok enough to get through an appointment, we discussed different things, we talked about different avenues, I was always scared to say I might be suffering ‘anxiety’ or that I was ‘depressed’, it’s just the situation I would say to myself… “How could you not be though?” my GP asked “with what you have been dealing with” She explained it didn’t mean I needed medication as she didn’t think that was the answer in this situation and I was thankful as it wasn’t something I was keen on either…  but we talked and worked together on a plan and a referral to see someone new to talk too, a psychologist, so we will see how this goes. My GP explained it isn’t going to make me ‘feel better’ as that isn’t right and won’t be the case in my situation I won’t ever ‘feel better’, it’s not going to ‘fix me’ or ‘make things move forward faster’ as that will not happen in this situation either, but she explained it gives me some support…. I was grateful for that support today as today I felt so alone.

Another thing we discussed Henry was some anxiety, that anxiety about feeling like I need to do something, about not knowing what to do about work, about not knowing any other direction other than wanting to be a mum…. “You don’t need to make those decisions now” words which echoed those your Dad had already said to me, “besides” she commented “I would be really concerned if you tried to make any of those big decisions now” as I left she stopped and gave me a big hug “You can come in and see me anytime” she said “Weekly if you need too”

I left and walked to the IGA to get milk, running in to a friend along the way, she stopped me we talked “You’ll have another baby soon” she said out of the blue “I hope so” I replied, we talked some more and I moved on my way, after getting milk I came home and your Dad gave me the biggest hug “We have done ok for such a shitty day” he said and kissed me on the forehead and kept holding me close.

Your Dad worked on his car today, your car, the special wagon… he achieved so much, I’m so proud of his hard work… I said this to him, he then with a familiar pain in his voice talked about how he would have had you in your rocker down beside him while working on the car, he told me with the tears welling in his eyes how he would have had you there beside him to watch as he would work and have a podcast on in the background… He had talked so often while I was pregnant about as you grew how he would take you out there and teach you to work on the car and work on making different things with you, how he wanted to have father and son projects to work on with you. I hope as he works on the car you show him some signs you are always close by.

Tonight Henry, tonight in the shower that longing it was there, as it crept and consumed my whole body, as I felt it take me over, I can physically feel the longing it takes over my body in the form of aches, in the form of a knot in my stomach in the form of heaviness, my whole body feels heavy and when it feels so heavy I can’t stand… those are the moments I think I don’t want to do this, those are the moments when I wish the most that I was with you, that I just want to be where you are. I was tagged in this post by a friend tonight, these words they are someone else words yet tend to describe so much of what I feel.

As I sit and type once again telling you about my days, about your Dad, about what its like without you. I think of how very much I just love you, with every inch of me that aches and is heavy it’s equally parts love…

Thursday Henry, Thursday was the day your Dad and I officially became a couple four years ago, Thursday was the day four years ago he picked me up from the airport when I had returned from Italy waiting with a big bunch of red roses and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.. I remember at the time saying to him, girlfriend sounded so young I felt like I was 16 again. But either way it was that day we made a commitment to one another, and we both knew before that commitment was made we wanted to spend our lives together, being older and wiser you are able to make those decisions faster, it was really the start of the rest of our lives.

Thursday we went to breakfast with your nanny and poppy, I then met up with a good friend and her little fella for a coffee and so he could have a play in the park, once again she gave me her time, listened to me I probably repeated things, and the conversation was easy. It was nice. I went from there to a Doctor appointment, deciding it would be good to get a blood test to see where all my crazy hormones were at and whether my body would be good for making babies, I got my referral for a blood test to be done on day 21….

Thursday night Henry, your Dad; despite us wishing the day wasn’t as it was, despite not being able to do what we had planned we would have done with you here….  your Dad he still went to the effort to begin preparing a nice dinner, he began by smoking some meat to sit before he would later cook it, after he did this we danced in the kitchen, he held my hands and held me close and we danced around silly in the kitchen… Missy not impressed by this, jumped and ran around us barking while Snikkers stood nearby, we moved around Missy moving closer to her and stepping back playfully, as we danced to tease her some more, she continued to bounce around us and we laughed, it was nice, it was so nice to dance in the kitchen with your Dad and fur sisters, how I would have loved to be dancing with you in our arms.

Once meal prep was done and put away to cook later, I suggested perhaps now might be a good time to try for a sibling for you…. except your Dad he smelt like hickory smoke from smoking the meat and tasted like beer “mmmmm hickory smoke smelling and beer breath” I said sarcastically to your dad “enough to make any girl want you” I laughed “Well ma’am is my horse still tied to the pole out the front” he replied in his really bad version of a Texan accent and I laughed so much…. This silly talk continued with us laughing and laughing…

No one needs to know the details in-between Henry, but after all our silliness I don’t know how we managed to do what we needed too.. I joked with your Dad after maybe I needed to do a handstand and stay on my head to encourage them all to swim the right way… he suggested I lay with my legs against the wall… I really feel this makes no difference, but we would do anything for sibling for you… so there I lay with my legs against the wall messaging a friend until so much blood had rushed out of my toes they went numb…. Your Dad even took a picture for me so I could send it to my friend who I was having a silly conversation with. I told my friend I am crossing everything but my legs.

Late Thursday night I completed my submission, my submission for the senate inquiry in to stillbirth, I completed and emailed it, it was done! So hard, so very hard, yet so very important to do.. I did it Henry, for you, for us, for change! I so hope that there is change.

Friday Henry I was up early to go to a retreat my lovely friend, her family and your Dad’s family had all put in for. When I arrived I sat in a room with another lady who had also just arrived, we got talking… As we sat there two other ladies arrived and they knew each other and the host of the retreat, more ladies arrived and they all knew the people there already too. I was thankful for the lady who sat near me who didn’t know everyone. As I talked to her she asked ‘the question’ ‘that question’ the one I have been dreading being asked……. “Do you have any children?” instantly tears came to my eyes I couldn’t help it, glad the others were not paying attention to our conversation I apologised to her for the tears that started and said to her “we recently lost our son” I didn’t want to not acknowledge you, I want everyone to know we have a son… It is just hard in a situation where you are not prepared and you get the question, I never knew how hard that one question would be. I wanted to be giving a different answer… I wanted to be saying I have a son Henry he is just over 2 months old, I wanted to be telling her you had just started smiling, I wanted to be telling her about how much joy you had brought to our lives and how your Dad and I just adore you….. but I guess I wouldn’t have actually even been there if you were here as I would be spending every moment I could with you.

As we sat having breakfast Henry I was quiet, by then the rest of the group had arrived, they all knew one another they began conversations, conversations around their lives and children, about how frustrating it was running after their children to sports as it takes up all the weekend, about how they were glad to be away as they never get any time to themselves…. I get it Henry I do, life can get tiresome, it would be hard trying to juggle things, but as I sat there and listened to it, as I sat there and heard the words about how running a child to sport and then the game etc took up their whole weekend and it was just too much… I thought to myself about how I would give absolutely anything to be doing that in a few years with you. I quietly excused myself from the table after I had eaten in the hope I may not get ‘that question’ again.

We did yoga there was lots of free time, lunch, lots of free time then a class to make a sugar honey and olive oil scrub… and I did get that question once more that day… do you think I was any more prepared to answer it… well no 😦 I wasn’t and the lady I got the question from this time when I answered it, immediately showed her discomfort to the answer I gave and well she not long after excused herself to go talk to someone else. I felt like the awkward lady…. The awkward lady whose baby died. I know those feelings Henry are a reflection of me, of me and my feelings… but its exactly how I felt.

I was thankful for two other ladies there, who both knew no one else…. these ladies spoke to me we talked about many different things and one of these ladies made me laugh so much… she just said things as they were, she had an enthusiasm for life and infectious personality. The other lady was soft, kind and gentle… two things I definitely needed.

I came home to your Dad that night, I came home and hugged him so tight, so glad to be in his arms, so glad to be able to release some of the day. I stood under a hot hot shower and cried, I stayed there for as long as the tears flowed.

Saturday I returned to the retreat for breakfast… I must admit the food was amazing, right up my alley, healthy fresh produce used to make amazing meals. The caterer was local and I spoke to her for a little while about her experience and how she got started doing what she had, she was nice.

After breakfast, a talk, then boxing and fitness session… there were more ladies who had joined the retreat for the Saturday, they however knew the others who were already there so kind of stuck within their groups. Then there was a speaker there, she is known for consultancy work with companies and working with women… I was looking forward to the talk I thought it may be good for me……. boy was I wrong. The talk was around making change, but it was about making change in your everyday life, to fit in the things you want to, to have a diary, a plan, a schedule and to stick to your non negotiable’s…. not what I needed, I sat I listened…. the presenter went around the room focusing on one of the multiple choice questions on the worksheet… Why do you want to make a change in your life? she went around the room… the answers on the sheet were things like career, skills, challenge, financial, satisfaction etc etc… none of the answers suited me, the discussion didn’t apply to me when she got to me, Henry I looked at her and said “I can’t answer that, I have just been through a traumatic event in my life and none of this applies right now” everyone stared at me, they looked and just stared until she continued going around the room.

The presenter pulled me aside when we broke for lunch, she said to me “You really probably won’t get anything out of today” I stared at her, I made polite conversation, I tried to be positive and said “Oh I’ll take what I can” but in that moment, I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt so disappointed for my friends, for family who had put in for and paid for this, for me to be there Henry out of the kindness of their hearts out of wanting to help. I knew they had spoken to the lady who had organised it all, she assured them that it would be suitable and yet here I was and it wasn’t and I was just told that.

I sat out the rest of the talk Henry, I sat and listened as busy mums, busy mums with businesses, children, lifestyles talked about what they would now like to have or schedule in to their lives… some of the answers I just cringed, I sunk in to my chair, as some said they were going to schedule in time to play with their children as they don’t do that, or even discussion around time to hug their children…. ‘you need to schedule time for that’ I thought to myself… I couldn’t believe it, I know everyone gets caught up in life, I know people work hard for what they have… but to listen to someone say they don’t have time to play with their child or hug them! When I would love to be hugging you, holding you close, singing to you, playing blocks as you grew, pretending to drive cars with you, watching you ride. I sat deflated as I couldn’t even think how I can get through each day right now, let alone scheduling it down to even the simple things people should enjoy in life.

I walked outside afterwards for fresh air, I breathed in. The two ladies who I had been talking to most walked outside too, it was interesting to see they did not get too much out of the talk too.. It made me think and we all discussed the important things in life.. Each to their own, I respect so many people who work so hard and have the finer things in life.. But for me in that moment I said despite what is going on Henry, despite missing you with every fibre of my being, I felt grateful.. I felt grateful for the life your Dad and I share, that we often laugh together, that we always make time to enjoy life together such as go to the beach before I would start work, stand up paddle board when I would get home, garden, cook and be. Your dad and I truly value time together Henry and for that I am so grateful as that is what is important to me.

One lady had given an answer in the talk, she gave an answer that I loved and it took me back to Thursday, she said she wanted to make sure she danced in the kitchen to one song with her family once a week! I have to say I hope your dad and I continue to dance in the kitchen and feel you near, and that we do this with your siblings too.

That night Henry when I got home, when I walked in the door, your Dad and two of our amazing friends were there, they all greeted me with a smile and a glass of champagne, they listened about my day, we enjoyed some laughs and drinks over an amazing meal cooked by your Dad, we laughed we talked, there was guitar playing and singing. It was just what I needed, they were just there, they were there in the moments we laughed, sang together and joked and there in the moments when I shed a few tears. That night as we went to bed Henry, your dad as I walked in our bedroom, tried to hide his face, I hugged him I saw his tears running down his face, he still cries for you too.

I came across this blog post Henry and it resonated with me, it did so because it talked about what I just have, about friends just being there about them being there whether you are laughing or crying, about how they can be there and not know what to say, about how life has changed and we will never be the same….. ‘4. Realize that your friend has been forever changed by the loss of her baby. Don’t expect her to be exactly the same. And please realize that grief has its own time table. Allow her the time she needs, and remain supportive. Everyone grieves differently.’

Sunday your Dad and I had a lazy day Henry, a lazy day at home which I needed, I thought of you often as I always do. I thought of how we would have had you out in the sunshine if you were here, I thought of how much I just want to be holding you and your siblings in my aching arms.

Today Henry, I struggled when I woke up, motivation is hard to find. As I lay in bed I thought about how worried I am this feeling, this hurting this aching won’t soften, I thought about how sometimes I would give anything to make it go away. I eventually got myself up. Your Dad and I headed to my PT session, he decided he would join in today… as we sat in the car and waited until my beautiful PT finished up with her client before us… I said to your Dad “I just do not have any motivation it is just not there, I feel like the days go so slow, but then I look at the time that’s passed and I feel like its slipping away I know November will come and I will need to make decisions about work yet I can’t I don’t think I can do it” “You don’t need to worry about that yet” your Dad replied “Just take each day as it comes” tears flowed softly down my cheeks “I know” I said. Sometimes Henry, I need to remind myself not to be so hard on myself, to expect myself to have it all together, to expet myself to know what to do….

Your Dad and I worked hard during the PT session I was proud of him Henry, he did well, he almost kept up with me 😉 it felt good to exercise, it felt good to be in the sun.

After we got home and your Dad got a haircut I had a healthy lunch, I made it, I did something. We went to Bunnings to get some things to make a screen for your garden. As we got home I said to your Dad “I want to fast forward time” he replied “I know I am not even going to say not to think that, to say we would miss out on things if we did as I feel the same”, Henry sometimes I want time to stop, sometimes I want to not wake up and other times I want time to fast forward, I want it to fast forward so so quickly to be holding your siblings in my arms, to know what it’s like to have that crying baby here to show that love, all the things I had wanted with you. I can not explain that, the longing for this, how much I want it, and the fear, the fear that day may never arrive.

It’s my birthday soon Henry, your Dad keeps asking what I want, but the things I want you can’t buy, if you could I would have you here. I would walk in to that store with you in my arms and buy 7 more and maybe some more puppies too. My birthday Henry will be another reminder, a reminder of what I don’t have, of the one thing I will always want. It’s a reminder I am getting older, the clock is ticking, a reminder of things I don’t want to remember but yet never want to forget.

So much love to you our Henry, our star, the little boy who made me a mum, the little boy who will always have every inch of my heart.

 

 

Yesterday Henry, I did ok, I couldn’t keep still… I needed to be busy. I went to get a coffee in the morning, go to an appointment. After this your Dad and I came home to have something good to eat and I was off on to my next appointment, this all took up a lot of the day which was good. It is good sometimes to be really busy at other times its tiring. But yesterday I navigated through the day ok.

I started typing my submission in to the parliamentary enquiry in to stillbirth, that was difficult, it was hard to see the words on the screen in front of me, starting to tell our story. Our story about you, about how it all went wrong, about how things could have been different. It is confronting putting all of those details together in front of me. I got a phone call not long after I started from a really good friend to check in, it was welcome and nice distraction. It’s a friend I have talked about before and worked with her, she’s like a mum to me, we talked about you about how we were feeling about work and how I  don’t feel up to going back, not that I need to make any decisions there right now as I still have my paid maternity leave.

Last night Henry, last night a beautiful friend dropped a card and letter in our letterbox, Your Dad brought it in and handed it to me, I sat and opened it. The card was from four people, four people who have contributed and organised to a workshop that is running soon, a workshop they thought might be good for me, may help me to find some peace and work out some direction, the workshop is called Stand Tall workshop and retreat  will be held next weekend, along with these four people your Dad’s family…. who are my family contributed to this as well, they all put in together to be able to send me to the retreat. I was so shocked as I read the words put in to the card as I looked at what had been done, I cried. I cried and wondered how anyone would do this for me. So next weekend I will spend my days at this retreat its close by so I will be coming home at nights to be with your Dad. It is such a beautiful gesture and I am still in some shock.Â

Last night as your Dad and I went to bed, the plan was to read, but your Dad decided he was tired and would go to sleep, but as usual couldn’t sleep. We talked about siblings for you again “It would all be practising at the moment wouldn’t it?” your Dad asked “Well yeah” I replied “there’s only that slim chance each month, only a couple of days” we continued to talk as your Dad made jokes, ‘Arthur and Martha’ is the name he has given to your siblings in the interim. “Do I need to talk to them like you do?” I asked your Dad laughing at him, referring to while we were away and he had spoken to his gonads….. Theres a song Henry that goes like this ‘Hello muddah hello fuddah here I am at camp Granada’ your dad often sings it “Hello Arthur, hello Martha” I started singing your Dad laughing, I couldn’t think of a second line then finally sang to him “Hello Arthur, Hello Martha its time to come out of your father” we both started laughing “Good job” said your Dad “although you know we will not be able to take this seriously at all, we will think of that song all the time now” “Well” I said “I can’t sing it now anyway as we don’t want them to come out yet, their friends can but not Arthur and Martha” I replied “Oh they are all Arthur’s and Martha’s in there” he said to me “Oh ok I am glad I know how it works now” I said and sang it one more time to make us both laugh. Your Dad says I shouldn’t write this in my letter Henry, he thinks the car to take me away may pull up out the front..

Your poor Dad Henry didn’t get much sleep last night, he was up and down with a stomach bug, so we both were tired. This morning Henry I woke up so very sad, I felt so much sadness, crying and crying as I thought about many different things and circumstances, my mind trying to make sense of so much, but it will all never make sense…… no matter what none of it brings you back. I cried in to my pillow trying to will myself to get up for the day ahead. I messaged a friend who has been through this many years ago, who had lost her two beautiful baby boys, twins. ‘please tell me this shit gets easier’ I started my message off with ‘ I’m not gonna lie… it doesn’t get easier it just sits next to you differently…’ was part of her reply.

This morning as I got out of the shower Henry and your Dad got in, we compared bellies, we did this so often as my belly grew with you, since your birth mines gone down, your Dad has gone up. I shook mine a little “I am proud of this” I said to your Dad “I am so proud of it and the other changes in my body, as my body did an amazing job carrying our baby our Henry”.. “You should be proud” your Dad replied “and I am glad that you are”. It’s the first time Henry I have been truly happy with my body and haven’t cared about the bumps or extra lumps or if I don’t fit in to those jeans. This body of mine carried you with so much love.

We finally got ourselves going and decided to spend some time outdoors, we headed to blackhead to see if we could see any whales, Something we had planned to do with you most mornings… Something we used to do so much while I was pregnant with you, on your Dads days off and before I would start work we would go get a coffee and chocolate milkshake and go sit or stand overlooking the water…  As we stood there this morning watching I was drinking my coffee and I felt ill, It was like deja vu “I feel sick” I said to your Dad “I don’t feel well I feel like I am going to be sick” the only problem was that feeling of wanting to vomit was like a trigger as it reminded me of morning sickness 😦 so many things are a reminder and having suffered HG with you I was sick a lot.

We decided to head home I wanted to work more on my submission when we got there, but on the way home I got a call from the hospital, the call made me angry, it got to me, I spent the next hour or so angry until your Dad said to me “Let’s go walk on the beach” so we did, we drove to the beach and walked barefoot across the sand your dad being brave at first and feeling the water with his feet, “It’s freezing” he exclaimed trying to get me to walk in, finally I did I walked and let the water rush over my feet, it didn’t feel to bad, I wondered is this because my body wanted to feel numb I stayed there and walked in a bit further “come on Kristy Jean come out of the water” your Dad said to me and I walked back to hug him, truth is though Henry so often I just want to walk in to that water and have it swallow me whole.

It was good to walk on the sand in the sun even though the wind was cold. we walked for as long as we could just taking in our surroundings, I feel like sometimes my eyes look down more these days, maybe it’s because its hard to see ahead, its hard to look forward when all you want to do is go back in time.

I looked in the mirror today Henry, I looked at the bags under my eyes, I looked at the dark circles, I looked at my tired skin, this Henry this is the face of my grief. I cried, as I cried I realised I barely take photos anymore, If I do I make sure my sunglasses are on. I look down instead of looking ahead. Once I wiped my tears I snapped a picture. This is what grief looks like today. Tomorrow it could look a little different, tomorrow there could be a smile over the pain, my eyes might show a little bit of brightness… but each day it’s there… and it’s changed me.

Today has been so damn hard Henry, I have cried so many times, I have just felt angry and then sad, then angry then sad again. I miss you so much. Today I have even questioned am I Mum? As its hard to feel like one when I am not looking after you…  I said to your Dad after we ate dinner “Its been a really tough day”, “That is ok” said your Dad “just let it be and feel it” I nodded and hugged him, I decided to have a hot shower as I haven’t been feeling well this afternoon. As I stood in the shower the hot water pouring down over me I felt the tears, tears turned in to sobs as I felt I couldn’t stand I crouched in the bottom of the shower “I just want you here if only” I said to myself going through all the if only’s in my mind “I just want you Henry” I said out loud between sobs. My body aching, my throat hurting. I just don’t know that I am a Mum I thought to myself. I know I am your Mum Henry and I am so very proud to be your mum, but I must admit it’s not easy being a mum to an angel.

Friday Henry, Friday was a good day, I felt ok which was nice… your Dad and I visited Port Arthur historical site which is an old penitentiary for convicts. The site now has remains of the buildings including the goal, churches and homes some able to be restored to original full condition others were just barely shells of the buildings. The first name we came across was yours Henry… of course being a historical site and an old-fashioned name it was going to happen, but the first information sign I looked at had your name.

We completed the walking tour with a guide then wandered on our own, there was an eerie feeling around the place and you can imagine the things that went on, as we walked in the remains of what used to be the hospital your Dad said to me “I wonder if the very bottom room was the morgue” maybe it was…..
As we walked around dark grey clouds moved quickly first in the distance then over head and above us, they made for great photos with the old buildings behind. As we got close to the end we got to an area where there used to be a cafe, this is where in more recent times in 1996 an awful massacre occurred, as we walked this area and the memorial garden, this was the most eerie of it all and as I read the names of the people who were killed that day, my heart ached for them, it ached for them and their families, those who have had to go in without their loved ones, those who lost their loved ones that day unexpectedly and in such awful circumstances, I will never know their exact pain, but with the pain I feel over losing you I can only imagine it hurts like that does, that they have felt the aching, the despair.

After leaving port Arthur your Dad and I headed to McHenry distillery which was close by, yet another Henry appearing again! We spent some time tasting gin and talking to the ladies there, who were kind and lovely to talk with. We left with three bottles as we headed back to get some lunch and back to sit by the fire and keep warm… Friday Henry I coped well.

Saturday Henry was a different story, Saturday was our day to come home. It’s so hard to explain the mixed feelings that spread throughout my whole body, anxiousness felt right in to the pit of my stomach, it twisted it turned like you might turn your spaghetti to wrap it around your fork, so many turns, the anxiousness I think, was the not knowing how I would feel returning to our home, our home without you, then there was sadness, so much sadness… I was drowning in those waves again. I said to your Dad and kept thinking in my mind “just take me to where it does not hurt so much” I have to ask is there such a place? will there ever be?

Your Dad started his tassie song to make me laugh, Henry your Dad is so very amazing Henry. As we sat at the airport he told me how this week coming up we would cook and look after ourselves better, how we were going to try to get some routine back. He is trying to be so strong your Dad, so strong.

As we sat at the airport a couple with a little boy who I would guess was about 18 months old sat beside us, the little boy looked at me with his big blue eyes “plane” he said I smiled at him “Are you going on the plane?” I asked he smiled back… “it’s his first flight today” his proud mum beamed smiling as she said it… “Oh wow that’s very exciting” I replied smiling at her, as they waited she sat on the floor with the little boy and his cars and trucks from his bag they pushed them back and forwards to one another… Such precious moments, moments I will never get with you… I long to be able to play cars with you! Your Dad and I had talked while I was pregnant how Friday nights when you were bigger would be lego night, we had looked forward to when you were older being able to buy you lego and just spread it all out on a Friday night and sit and build with you… we had smiled when we talked about it, if only….

Arriving home was bittersweet, your fur sisters as always were excited to see us.. Snikkers pawed at me and wouldn’t leave my side, Missy ran excitedly around and back and forwards to us both. Snikkers tail wouldn’t stop, I leant down to her near the floor and held on to her as tears filled my eyes. We arrived home to some beautiful things in the mail Henry, a friend of mine sent me a beautiful key ring with your name, it is shaped as a boy and an angel wing attached, another friend of mine sent us a candle with a photograph of you with your Dad and I as the label, with the saying love you to the moon and back… she had previously bought for your room a heart with that saying, I remember the day she gave it to me I was 16 weeks pregnant with you I had told her how special that saying was to us when she gave me that heart, as I always said it to your Dad and he replies to the street light and beyond.. a little joke we have with one another… I also had a special card with three butterfly pins inside, such beautiful gestures… not to mention a special note and a delivery of some wine, beer and yummy bread from some friends too.
We have kept every card, note, letter written to us and for you.. I keep them all in a special box marked with a H that a friend gave to us.

 

As we unpacked and spent time with the puppies, your Nanny and Poppy dropped over we spoke with them for a while.. after they left and it came time to bed I broke, the anxiousness, the sadness, the longing, the pain had all built up….. I broke it finally came out your Dad hugged me tight as I sobbed in to his chest “I would have given my life for him to be here, I would have” I cried “I know I would have too” replied your dad and held me tighter “It’s been too long since I got to hold him” I said to your dad between sobs “I’m here we will get through this” he said to me, I held on to your Dad so tightly as I couldn’t stop the tears “I just want our baby boy that’s all I want I don’t want anything in this world just him” I said as the sobs became harder “Me too” said your Dad “me too”… The tears wouldn’t stop when they finally did I fell asleep.

Sunday Henry, Sunday I woke up to Missy wanting to go outside I took her out then jumped back in to bed, your Dad slept and slept… I lay awake.. Eventually when we got up while your Dad showered, I went in to your room to water the plant I had bought and placed in there before you were born… My friend who was staying with us to look after the puppies she came in to your room, instantly tears filled her eyes “It hurts so much I am hurting for you and Tim” she said “look at all his beautiful things” I showed her the dog pyjamas I had bought for you to wear and told her about how I had bought them as I had wanted us all to have dog pyjamas in winter, I have mentioned this in my letters before, it wasn’t; until I looked at them I realised on the dog bowls it has the letters HM… They are hairy maclary pyjamas so I know the HM is there for that, but it’s just so funny I bought them while you were still in my belly before we knew your name and they are your initials HM… They will always be your little pj’s maybe one day your sibling might wear them..
I got them out of the box and went in to your Dad who had just dressed “look at this in Henry’s pyjamas they have HM” your Dad looked and tears filled his eyes straight away, he hugged me then tried to hide his tears, I went and got him a clean hanky from the line and hugged him again.

We went shopping for some fruit and veg, so we can try, so we can try this week to be a little healthier, try to get some routine.. our lives have changed so very much, Your Dad talked to me on the way to the shops about ‘the twins'”It will happen for us, before you know we will be chasing Henry’s siblings around”

Last night Henry your Dad got home, he got home and after eating his dinner, I noticed he put a status up about appreciating the little things in life, how once you have something life changing happen you’ll wish for yesterday, I know your Dad doesn’t let it out as much as I or say as much and that’s his way, but I knew reading that he was hurting… I looked over to him and he was crying, I hugged him tight, your Dad tries not to cry too much, he later cried again, he went in the kitchen but I could hear him I let him be, I let him be there so the tears would come out freely without stopping as I know he doesn’t always like me to know when he’s crying so I let him let them out and later hugged him again letting him know how much I love him.

When we went to bed your Dad and I had trouble sleeping once again, both still wide awake at midnight, I eventually fell asleep and noticed when waking up this morning that your dad had sent me something at 3am, meaning he was awake then too, your dad had said before Henry that it’s often the time he is awake and sad and trying to distract his thoughts. That is the time his storm starts, that’s the time the lightning and thunder hit in his mind, the time where he tries to find some shelter from that storm but is usually left in the pouring rain.

As we both woke this morning we looked down at missy on her bad, she was right on the edge almost falling off “Missy is only just hanging on” your Dad said to me, “I am too but in a different way” I replied “me too” your Dad replied “I am only just hanging on like this” as he pulled the tiniest bit of my pyjama shirt in-between two of his fingers “I love you I am here for you always, you are what keeps me going” I said to him, “You are what keeps me going we will do this together” he replied. We lay in bed hugging one another not wanting to get up and face the day.

Get up and face the day is what we needed to do though, today for the first time in months I went back to training, I hadn’t trained in the last few weeks pregnant with you and haven’t had the energy too since, plus I needed to wait until I was fully healed from birth, I went back to see my personal trainer and wonderful friend. She was so excited about you Henry she had said to me when coming to see me a few weeks back about how even though I was so sick, I still smiled every time I saw her, I still talked about you excitedly and with so much love and she was right, I did, She couldn’t wait to come meet and cuddle you.
I dragged myself out of bed to shower and get dressed and made my way to the gym, greeted with a big smile and hug from her, instantly the tears started to fall, I dried them aside and we began, we began our session I tried so hard and struggled too, we talked about you, about how I was feeling, how my body was healing about how hard it is, about how can we move forward. she was so encouraging Henry and reminded me that no one can judge our future decisions or say what is right for us as they are not in our shoes.

She said this to me as I talked to her about wanting siblings for you, I talked to her about how now my period had returned another reminder my body knows I am not breastfeeding you, I wasn’t initially going to write that in here but you know what, these are my letters, my letters to you, my way of remembering, of sharing of talking about this, this is real and it happened to us…. so I want to write about all the struggles, about all the information, I want to share so others know the struggles people in this situation go through and to let everyone know its ok to talk about it. That is what gets people through, being able to talk, not feeling like they can’t. So my period returned while we were away in those last few days and we are now deciding whether or not we try again. I know it won’t come without its struggles, I know we are still grieving you, I know that there may be heartache… but I can’t live life not trying.

Today Henry, today I had to go pick up mail from the post office box, I got a slip in there for registered mail, I picked up the letter from inside and got back in the car with your Dad, I felt it instantly that sting that pain I didn’t even need to open it to know what it was, I breathed in a really deep breath and opened the envelope your Dad looking on as I opened the carefully folded piece of paper he knew what it was too…. sobs began as I looked at this piece of paper in front of me on my lap ‘your birth certificate’ your name Henry Peter Maggs 26th April 2018. Stillbirth written beside your name. 😦 “It’s special” your Dad said to me holding my hand as he cried, “It is very special” he said trying to comfort me, and I know it is special as its your certificate to show you were born, yet that word ‘stillbirth’ next to your name, it shouldn’t be there, it’s not how this is supposed to be… As a friend said to me instead of saying that it should say ‘too perfect for this shit world’ and you are too perfect Henry, just too perfect.

Today Henry when you Dad and I went to go get coffee and a hot chocolate, we were told a friend had left a tab for us, left some money there to pre pay for us… I asked the owner of the shop “who?” she told me a last name, I couldn’t believe it, that one little gesture, that one act of kindness made a shitty shitty day just a little bit sweeter.

Your Dad and I have spent the afternoon cuddled up as it is cold, we are trying to keep warm, we have decided day by day we need to do one thing we don’t want to do, as in routine things, Yesterday for me that was cooking up sweet potato and beetroot to have with my breakfasts this week, today I achieved going to the gym.. small steps…. day by day… Your Dad he returns to work in a couple of weeks, of that I am scared, scared for him and how he will go, how he might cope? and scared for me for the same. I think work may be good for him, something distracting a routine, then I worry with his type of job… I then worry about how I may go with him back at work, we have grieved together, been supporting one another, spent most of this time together.. I think the first few days may be hard… some people have asked when I will go back to work, but honestly I do not know… I can’t think about that Henry, I can’t imagine travelling, being away from home, walking in to childcare centres, thinking, smiling, pretending nothing is wrong… When it is wrong, my whole entire world feels wrong without you here in my arms, this is not how we saw it, this is not how it should be…. But it is!