Yesterday Henry was not a good day, I had to fight to get through the day, I had to use every ounce of strength I had. After writing to you yesterday I broke down in your dads arms the tears wouldn’t stop the cries of ‘why’ of ‘its not fair’ of ‘I just want him here I want my baby boy’ all the while the puppies jumped around the bed Missy nudging, baking desperately trying to get us up, but when I tried I couldn’t I broke down again, I felt lost, broken and wanted to give up. I said to the puppies “I’m sorry I am a bad mum” your dad wasn’t impressed with that comment but it’s how I felt I couldn’t get myself together to feed them and I couldn’t save you either Henry.
Yesterday I got in the shower, I sat on the floor as the water washed over me, sobbing, the tears continued, my cries continued and I couldn’t stop them. I stared blankly at the tiles on the shower floor as the tears furiously kept coming and I wanted to give up, I didn’t want to do this the pain is too much the pain of missing you, of wanting you, of picturing you here, of all we wanted to do with you, the pain of the love I have for you but can’t show you. I sat there staring thinking of you, talking to you, Then a voice in my mind that says ‘get up’… again ‘get up’ ‘get up’ it kept going until I stood up I finished off my shower and started the day. I know it was you.
Your dad and I went food shopping he’s determined to make sure we eat well, we ran in to one of his colleagues who just gave me the biggest hug, which was comforting. Food shopping done we went home and I managed to cook a nice comforting ham hock soup, while your dad worked on some house stuff and cleaned his van so we could go advertise it for sale again.
The afternoon and we dropped off his van and I had to pick up a parcel from the post office, it wasn’t the parcel I was waiting on, not what I thought.. I opened it and it was some of your printed photos from heartfelt. That was enough to set me off, it wasn’t the photos but the other parcel is something special I ordered for your Dad and I really wanted it to be here to give to him as it means a lot, I paid for express post so when it wasn’t that I just cried, I think it was all still to do with missing you.
We got home and your dad started to prepare dinner as we were taking it to cook at where your uncle was staying, I couldn’t I just couldn’t get through all the emotion I was feeling, I eventually made my way in to your room, I sat there… I looked around at all of your things, I closed my eyes, I pictured what it might have been like holding you while sitting in that chair, what your first smile may have looked like… tears again I just sat crying, just thinking about and wanting to be with you. Again that voice keep going.
You dad he walked to the door of your room, he came in took my hand and helped me up, tears in his eyes he hugged me so tight “Come on we can do this” he said to me, we went to get ready and go.
We sat at the house your uncle hired out on the deck overlooking the part of the ocean where your ashes are, I stood up and we watched the sunset, as the sun went down, I looked at your dad. We watched until it was gone and little light remained, I put my head on his shoulder, I said to him “part of me just wants to walk out in to that ocean and have it swallow me up” your dad replied “He’s not ready for you anyway, as he wants a brother or sister, and wants to see us live our lives so you’d just end up cold and washed back up on the rocks there” I know your dad he’s right Henry, it’s just it aches so much, my heart is hurting so very much and I don’t know that it will ever feel better.
I asked for you to be there yesterday Henry, to be around to help me through and you certainly did let me know you were around yesterday, through others… two messages yesterday one to say as a beautiful friend was driving the leaves that fell looked like they fell from the sky and she thought it was you, another friend messaged me to say she dreamt about me and you, she dreamt she came to out house and spent the day with me, that we decided to go in your room… we laughed we cried over different memories in your room, the puppies played up and made us laugh and she said despite the sadness there was an overwhelming feeling of calmness and that you were there watching over… I believe I got that message yesterday to let me know you were here.
This morning Henry I woke up much the same, but then I started writing and the tears did not last as long, I reached out to those in a support group online. Today I am going to talk with someone Henry, to help keep me strong, to help me work through this, to help me go on each day.. Your dad and I can do this. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.