Talking it out.

There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint in this world.

Yesterday Henry, yesterday I spoke to such a beautiful lady, she is a psychologist and she has also been through her fair share of heartache in her life too, which just makes her more real and more authentic. She listened to me, she asked me questions, she helped me to talk and she talked to me. This beautiful lady helped me to see, she helped me to see it is ok to be angry, I am allowed to be angry over losing you, you are worth being angry over, and it is just how I choose to show that anger… She let me know it’s ok to cry, its ok to be incredibly sad and let those tears out, its ok to work out how I will do this, how I will grieve what I might do. She also allowed me to see things from a different perspective, nothing is forever and we can not hold on to things like they are… She allowed me to think of ways to change my thoughts.. On the days I think ‘I can’t’ change this to ‘I don’t want too’ and it is completely ok to ‘not want too’ for the day. We talked about you, how incredibly blessed I feel to have you, that you chose me as your mum and how I wouldn’t change that at all, not anytime as I would rather have known you, had you grow in my belly have held you for those small moments than not have known you at all.

It all helped Henry, so very much. It made me feel a little lighter for that moment, it made me see that even though you can not be here with me I will fight for you and I will fight for change to help others. Your footprints although they haven’t touched the ground will leave an imprint on this world.

Yesterday I had a small walk with a beautiful friend and her two little ones, I laughed, and smiled as I watched her little ones walk, the things they said the humour they brought to it, it was nice, so nice to be in the sunshine and walk.

Yesterday Henry your Dad is still not well, I am bordering on this too but he is not 100% at all I think I need you to somehow give him a kick in the back like you used to from my belly to tell him to rest as he is stubborn and doesn’t listen to me, just like I am stubborn and don’t listen to him. I think you would be more stubborn than the both of us so please give him a kick for me.

Late Yesterday afternoon Henry a beautiful friend from Sydney, dropped in, she hugged me so very tight, we talked of you, of how we were feeling, of how she had cried when she saw the news of you. She gave me gift, some special Epsom salts to help me relax in the bath, some calm tea to drink in bed, a special calm oil to place on my feet, a special stone to hold on to when I am anxious and as I go to sleep and some beautiful books. One book with beautiful poems from bereaved mothers and another ladies story on her baby born sleeping and about pregnancy after this. Such well thought out kindness in this beautiful gift.

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Yesterday there was less tears than the day before.

Last night Henry your Dad and I went to bed early to try to sleep, your poor Dad coughed and coughed and tossed and turned, I couldn’t turn my mind off, again not much sleep for either of us… Tonight I try bath.

This morning Henry, Tears as I woke, and cuddles with your Dad.

Today Henry we went early to the shops to get some things we needed so we could get back for your dad to rest, not that he has done much of that, I was doing ok but as we walked and saw the many parents pushing prams and then the precious babies faces, I couldn’t help but think we would be doing that with you! We would have you out with a beanie to keep your head warm and carrying you on our chest or pushing you in the pram, talking with you, smiling at you, showing you off as we are so proud of you. Those feelings can become overwhelming, I had a small cry. We got our things and we came home.

Your Dad prepared us breakfast while I updated the ad for his van, I washed up all the dishes while and hung out the washing while he vacuumed, I put more washing on and my clothes away while he mopped the floor… We make a good team your Dad and I, we have always seen ourselves as a team and work together… Sometimes one more than the other but that’s what it’s about we pick each other up when the other is down.

I look in your room, the box with your little special pair of pyjamas are there, I remember wanting to buy them but looking at the cost and saying ‘oh no I wont I will save us money’ I remember telling your Dad about them “get them” he said “No I won’t” I said I waited and waited until one day I finally gave in and ordered them. Hairy Maclary pyjamas for you from Peter Alexander, I couldn’t wait to show your Dad when they arrived, I was so excited as it meant we would all have dog pyjamas for winter, I laughed with your Dad, we laughed about how we would get a photo of us all in our winter dog pyjamas. Now they remain a box in your room, another plan we don’t have with you.

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Still Aware an organisation that tries to raise awareness on stillbirth and educate parents to be has a petition going, the petition is in need of signatures. Still aware wants to see reducing stillbirths as a target added to health policy plans statements and guidelines, for standardised clinical guideline practices to be implemented and used. For expectant mothers to be educated about the risks. To see proper regulatory assessment of stillbirth to be implemented. All important factors in helping to change and assist in reducing the rate of still birth. More information cane be found here and the petition to sign can be found here … the more the word gets out there, the more we know, the more that will happen. If the information can get out to and assist one family, if others can speak up, those who have been through this may feel more comfortable to talk about their experience rather than feel like it is taboo.

This afternoon I sit and write to you while your Dad he plays Mario kart, this afternoon the overwhelming feelings are a little less, this afternoon we will rest, we will take the rest of the day as it comes, emotions and all.. I’m smoothly riding on the road today but I will always get back up even if I crash. All my love flows to you Henry xx

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Author: Letters to Henry

My husband and I live on the beautiful south coast of NSW, Australia. We are currently learning to rebuild and navigate through life after the loss of our son Henry to stillbirth due to medical negligence in April of this year.

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