Tag: the beggining

Tuesday Henry, Tuesday feels like it is too far away to remember yet it was only two days ago. I feel as though the days go so slow, but yet I feel like the days since we have held you have gone too fast. I said to your Dad I feel like you are too far away from us its been too long since I got to hold you in my arms, take in that sweet newborn smell and see those beautiful features of yours, your sweet sweet face, those perfect little hands, those feet with the cute little long toes… Every part of you etched in to my mind and forever will be.

Tuesday I went to get a blood test Henry, one my GP ordered to look at my hormones, to look at my iron and vitamin D levels. As I sat in the chair the lady about to take my blood looked at my form “Are you trying for your first bubba” she asked, due to the tests my GP had ordered, I took a big breath trying not to cry but tears fell from my eyes anyway “No” I replied softly “We not long lost our little boy at 39 weeks” the beautiful lady hugged me, she hugged me and then said to me “I lost two of my children in an accident, I at least had them for a short time” this form of understanding enveloped me.. The energy of the room changed from me feeling like it was about to get awkward and me anxious to being able to breathe I replied to her “to lose your child at any stage is traumatic and awful and  just because you got time with your children doesn’t make your loss less” she hugged me and said “Don’t let anyone at all put a timeline on your grief, this will be such a long and individual process and it will take so much time, you talk about this too, talk about it get it out, talk about it as much as you need too” I left there although sad, with that relieved sense that comes across when you know someone understands the absolute heartbreak.

While at home your Dad and I worked more on your garden, we have been placing up a frame to create a screen in front of the fence, your Dad had me drilling, he was so patient Henry, so patient as I tried and failed a couple of times and tried again, until we had the frame up with minimal fuss. I can’t tell you enough how amazing your Dad is, so willing to work together, to encourage me to try everything and keep me going. He would have been so patient with you.

Tuesday afternoon Henry, I had a friend call who I used to work with, it was so nice to speak with her, it was nice of her to check in. I talked about so much, about how I was feeling so anxious… anxious I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant again, anxious about how I will feel if that doesn’t happen, anxious about my birthday and becoming another year older, a birthday as I hadn’t imagined it, a birthday I had planned to celebrate with my little boy in my arms. Then there was the anxiousness about how I will face work…. I try but it is all in there along with all of my thoughts.

Tuesday night Henry, Missy wouldn’t settle, she wouldn’t sit… your Dad pulled her on to the lounge, on to his lap, she snuggled in he lay a blanket over her as I looked on always in awe of his caring and loving nature…. Your Dad looked towards the TV seeing his side profile in that moment…. I saw you, I took a picture of him and Missy, when he looked at it he said “Oh that’s an awful picture of me”, “No it’s not” I replied with tears in my eyes “as when I just looked at you in that moment I could see our beautiful boy Henry”… Your Dad he smiled at me with that look in his eyes, I could see it the ache that comes along with the love.. We looked at one another as he grabbed my hand giving it a little squeeze.

Wednesday Henry, Wednesday I woke up in tears it was hard to want to get out of bed, every part of me ached for you, to hold you. I got myself up in the shower…. I made myself move for another morning. It’s like a game of jenga you continue to take blocks and build them one on top of the other moving up but you never know the moment it comes crashing down. It didn’t come crashing down Wednesday morning but it was close. Your Dad and I got ourselves together, we went for coffee with your nanny and poppy and ended up spending the whole day with them.

Wednesday night those blocks did crash, they fell…. they came crashing down I just looked at your Dad and the tears turned quickly in to sobs, he just held me I sobbed and told him about how much I just wanted you “I just want our baby boy” I cried to him “This is so hard and I just want him here with us” I couldn’t stop the sobbing as much as I tried “Let it out” your Dad said to me “Let it out”, “It just hurts so much” I managed to get out between sobs “It certainly does, it really hurts and it’s not something we should have to be going through but we are and we will keep going for each other and Henry, the puppies and Arthur and Martha too” …. I know we do, but sometimes I just really don’t know how.

This morning Henry, this morning the alarm went off at 6am… I wanted so badly to ignore it, I wanted to not get up, I am tired Henry, sleep does not come easy, I find these days even when I am asleep it’s not deep sleep, sometimes I know I’m asleep but yet feel awake, I imagine it might be like the light sleep I may have been getting when first getting used to having you home, when worried I may not hear your cries, so I would only sleep lightly to make sure I would have heard you…. except now I am having this light sleep because you are not here, because I don’t get to hear those cries, because I never will.

Your Dad and I got up and went to pilates, it’s always good to do, to stretch, work, to be little moments which help. After pilates we came home and had breakfast then off to get some shopping and coffee, as we sat in the sun enjoying a coffee, people walked past with prams, so many people with babies, with little ones… The aching began, the thoughts swirled creating a storm in my mind “I don’t know what to do” I said to your Dad “I don’t know how to do this how to get through how to stop the hurt”, “You are doing amazingly” he replied don’t be so hard on yourself “not many people will understand” he said “as they haven’t been through something as traumatic as this”,    “But I can’t even decide anything right now, I can’t decide anything about work and future direction and what I want to do as I just want to be a mum again that’s all I want and I can not focus past that”….. “You don’t need to make those decisions right now” Your Dad said to me “You need to use the no PET analogy, no pressure, no expectations, no timeframes, don’t be hard on yourself and just keep getting through each day as you do” Your Dad smiled Henry he was pretty proud of himself for coming up with that one.

As we drove home a few mums walked with their prams in our street, I couldn’t stop the tears that had started as soon as I saw as I knew that’s what I would have been doing with you on such a beautiful sunny winters day I would have taken the opportunity to take you for a walk in the sunshine and enjoy it… once we got inside I went out to the back deck to sit in the sun, as the sun poured over me I just let go, I let the tears flow, I let them just rush down my face… Today was just one of those days.

Your Dad decided he was going for a run, I managed to get myself up with the thought while he ran I would walk your fur sisters, I feel so bad for them we don’t get out with them much at the moment, so I got myself together and took them down the oval with your Dad, Snikkers was so excited she almost sounded like a siren as she tried to run out the front door, she ran with your Dad while Missy and I walked. The she ran to me and walked with us both, buggered with her tongue hanging out of her mouth but happy.

This afternoon it was back to the Dr to get my blood test results as soon as I walked in the door one of the workers from one of our local shops was there with his baby girl, they had their baby about a month or so before we had you, I had been avoiding that shop since to not have ‘that conversation’ luckily he was busy with the receptionist I moved to the side to wait as I held back tears and then one of the other GP’s who had seen me at the beginning of the pregnancy she walked past saw me stopped and hugged me and started to talk that was it tears again as she talked to me about what happened.

I finally let the receptionist know I was here and sat to wait, I could hear the cries of the little baby girl as she went in and had her needles, I heard the receptionist talking and smiling to her after they came out and everyone in the waiting room smile about her giggle as the receptionist spoke to her and her Dad…. It’s hard to describe the feeling, I am happy for others who have their babies and children and I still love to see them too, but just at times those sounds, the sight of seeing a parent with their baby, all of it is just a reminder of all we ever wanted with you but will never get.

My GP and I discussed blood test results, all good, no problems, we then discussed how things were going, instantly tears again.. I don’t usually cry in front of her I am usually ok enough to get through an appointment, we discussed different things, we talked about different avenues, I was always scared to say I might be suffering ‘anxiety’ or that I was ‘depressed’, it’s just the situation I would say to myself… “How could you not be though?” my GP asked “with what you have been dealing with” She explained it didn’t mean I needed medication as she didn’t think that was the answer in this situation and I was thankful as it wasn’t something I was keen on either…  but we talked and worked together on a plan and a referral to see someone new to talk too, a psychologist, so we will see how this goes. My GP explained it isn’t going to make me ‘feel better’ as that isn’t right and won’t be the case in my situation I won’t ever ‘feel better’, it’s not going to ‘fix me’ or ‘make things move forward faster’ as that will not happen in this situation either, but she explained it gives me some support…. I was grateful for that support today as today I felt so alone.

Another thing we discussed Henry was some anxiety, that anxiety about feeling like I need to do something, about not knowing what to do about work, about not knowing any other direction other than wanting to be a mum…. “You don’t need to make those decisions now” words which echoed those your Dad had already said to me, “besides” she commented “I would be really concerned if you tried to make any of those big decisions now” as I left she stopped and gave me a big hug “You can come in and see me anytime” she said “Weekly if you need too”

I left and walked to the IGA to get milk, running in to a friend along the way, she stopped me we talked “You’ll have another baby soon” she said out of the blue “I hope so” I replied, we talked some more and I moved on my way, after getting milk I came home and your Dad gave me the biggest hug “We have done ok for such a shitty day” he said and kissed me on the forehead and kept holding me close.

Your Dad worked on his car today, your car, the special wagon… he achieved so much, I’m so proud of his hard work… I said this to him, he then with a familiar pain in his voice talked about how he would have had you in your rocker down beside him while working on the car, he told me with the tears welling in his eyes how he would have had you there beside him to watch as he would work and have a podcast on in the background… He had talked so often while I was pregnant about as you grew how he would take you out there and teach you to work on the car and work on making different things with you, how he wanted to have father and son projects to work on with you. I hope as he works on the car you show him some signs you are always close by.

Tonight Henry, tonight in the shower that longing it was there, as it crept and consumed my whole body, as I felt it take me over, I can physically feel the longing it takes over my body in the form of aches, in the form of a knot in my stomach in the form of heaviness, my whole body feels heavy and when it feels so heavy I can’t stand… those are the moments I think I don’t want to do this, those are the moments when I wish the most that I was with you, that I just want to be where you are. I was tagged in this post by a friend tonight, these words they are someone else words yet tend to describe so much of what I feel.

As I sit and type once again telling you about my days, about your Dad, about what its like without you. I think of how very much I just love you, with every inch of me that aches and is heavy it’s equally parts love…

Thursday Henry, Thursday was the day your Dad and I officially became a couple four years ago, Thursday was the day four years ago he picked me up from the airport when I had returned from Italy waiting with a big bunch of red roses and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.. I remember at the time saying to him, girlfriend sounded so young I felt like I was 16 again. But either way it was that day we made a commitment to one another, and we both knew before that commitment was made we wanted to spend our lives together, being older and wiser you are able to make those decisions faster, it was really the start of the rest of our lives.

Thursday we went to breakfast with your nanny and poppy, I then met up with a good friend and her little fella for a coffee and so he could have a play in the park, once again she gave me her time, listened to me I probably repeated things, and the conversation was easy. It was nice. I went from there to a Doctor appointment, deciding it would be good to get a blood test to see where all my crazy hormones were at and whether my body would be good for making babies, I got my referral for a blood test to be done on day 21….

Thursday night Henry, your Dad; despite us wishing the day wasn’t as it was, despite not being able to do what we had planned we would have done with you here….  your Dad he still went to the effort to begin preparing a nice dinner, he began by smoking some meat to sit before he would later cook it, after he did this we danced in the kitchen, he held my hands and held me close and we danced around silly in the kitchen… Missy not impressed by this, jumped and ran around us barking while Snikkers stood nearby, we moved around Missy moving closer to her and stepping back playfully, as we danced to tease her some more, she continued to bounce around us and we laughed, it was nice, it was so nice to dance in the kitchen with your Dad and fur sisters, how I would have loved to be dancing with you in our arms.

Once meal prep was done and put away to cook later, I suggested perhaps now might be a good time to try for a sibling for you…. except your Dad he smelt like hickory smoke from smoking the meat and tasted like beer “mmmmm hickory smoke smelling and beer breath” I said sarcastically to your dad “enough to make any girl want you” I laughed “Well ma’am is my horse still tied to the pole out the front” he replied in his really bad version of a Texan accent and I laughed so much…. This silly talk continued with us laughing and laughing…

No one needs to know the details in-between Henry, but after all our silliness I don’t know how we managed to do what we needed too.. I joked with your Dad after maybe I needed to do a handstand and stay on my head to encourage them all to swim the right way… he suggested I lay with my legs against the wall… I really feel this makes no difference, but we would do anything for sibling for you… so there I lay with my legs against the wall messaging a friend until so much blood had rushed out of my toes they went numb…. Your Dad even took a picture for me so I could send it to my friend who I was having a silly conversation with. I told my friend I am crossing everything but my legs.

Late Thursday night I completed my submission, my submission for the senate inquiry in to stillbirth, I completed and emailed it, it was done! So hard, so very hard, yet so very important to do.. I did it Henry, for you, for us, for change! I so hope that there is change.

Friday Henry I was up early to go to a retreat my lovely friend, her family and your Dad’s family had all put in for. When I arrived I sat in a room with another lady who had also just arrived, we got talking… As we sat there two other ladies arrived and they knew each other and the host of the retreat, more ladies arrived and they all knew the people there already too. I was thankful for the lady who sat near me who didn’t know everyone. As I talked to her she asked ‘the question’ ‘that question’ the one I have been dreading being asked……. “Do you have any children?” instantly tears came to my eyes I couldn’t help it, glad the others were not paying attention to our conversation I apologised to her for the tears that started and said to her “we recently lost our son” I didn’t want to not acknowledge you, I want everyone to know we have a son… It is just hard in a situation where you are not prepared and you get the question, I never knew how hard that one question would be. I wanted to be giving a different answer… I wanted to be saying I have a son Henry he is just over 2 months old, I wanted to be telling her you had just started smiling, I wanted to be telling her about how much joy you had brought to our lives and how your Dad and I just adore you….. but I guess I wouldn’t have actually even been there if you were here as I would be spending every moment I could with you.

As we sat having breakfast Henry I was quiet, by then the rest of the group had arrived, they all knew one another they began conversations, conversations around their lives and children, about how frustrating it was running after their children to sports as it takes up all the weekend, about how they were glad to be away as they never get any time to themselves…. I get it Henry I do, life can get tiresome, it would be hard trying to juggle things, but as I sat there and listened to it, as I sat there and heard the words about how running a child to sport and then the game etc took up their whole weekend and it was just too much… I thought to myself about how I would give absolutely anything to be doing that in a few years with you. I quietly excused myself from the table after I had eaten in the hope I may not get ‘that question’ again.

We did yoga there was lots of free time, lunch, lots of free time then a class to make a sugar honey and olive oil scrub… and I did get that question once more that day… do you think I was any more prepared to answer it… well no 😦 I wasn’t and the lady I got the question from this time when I answered it, immediately showed her discomfort to the answer I gave and well she not long after excused herself to go talk to someone else. I felt like the awkward lady…. The awkward lady whose baby died. I know those feelings Henry are a reflection of me, of me and my feelings… but its exactly how I felt.

I was thankful for two other ladies there, who both knew no one else…. these ladies spoke to me we talked about many different things and one of these ladies made me laugh so much… she just said things as they were, she had an enthusiasm for life and infectious personality. The other lady was soft, kind and gentle… two things I definitely needed.

I came home to your Dad that night, I came home and hugged him so tight, so glad to be in his arms, so glad to be able to release some of the day. I stood under a hot hot shower and cried, I stayed there for as long as the tears flowed.

Saturday I returned to the retreat for breakfast… I must admit the food was amazing, right up my alley, healthy fresh produce used to make amazing meals. The caterer was local and I spoke to her for a little while about her experience and how she got started doing what she had, she was nice.

After breakfast, a talk, then boxing and fitness session… there were more ladies who had joined the retreat for the Saturday, they however knew the others who were already there so kind of stuck within their groups. Then there was a speaker there, she is known for consultancy work with companies and working with women… I was looking forward to the talk I thought it may be good for me……. boy was I wrong. The talk was around making change, but it was about making change in your everyday life, to fit in the things you want to, to have a diary, a plan, a schedule and to stick to your non negotiable’s…. not what I needed, I sat I listened…. the presenter went around the room focusing on one of the multiple choice questions on the worksheet… Why do you want to make a change in your life? she went around the room… the answers on the sheet were things like career, skills, challenge, financial, satisfaction etc etc… none of the answers suited me, the discussion didn’t apply to me when she got to me, Henry I looked at her and said “I can’t answer that, I have just been through a traumatic event in my life and none of this applies right now” everyone stared at me, they looked and just stared until she continued going around the room.

The presenter pulled me aside when we broke for lunch, she said to me “You really probably won’t get anything out of today” I stared at her, I made polite conversation, I tried to be positive and said “Oh I’ll take what I can” but in that moment, I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt so disappointed for my friends, for family who had put in for and paid for this, for me to be there Henry out of the kindness of their hearts out of wanting to help. I knew they had spoken to the lady who had organised it all, she assured them that it would be suitable and yet here I was and it wasn’t and I was just told that.

I sat out the rest of the talk Henry, I sat and listened as busy mums, busy mums with businesses, children, lifestyles talked about what they would now like to have or schedule in to their lives… some of the answers I just cringed, I sunk in to my chair, as some said they were going to schedule in time to play with their children as they don’t do that, or even discussion around time to hug their children…. ‘you need to schedule time for that’ I thought to myself… I couldn’t believe it, I know everyone gets caught up in life, I know people work hard for what they have… but to listen to someone say they don’t have time to play with their child or hug them! When I would love to be hugging you, holding you close, singing to you, playing blocks as you grew, pretending to drive cars with you, watching you ride. I sat deflated as I couldn’t even think how I can get through each day right now, let alone scheduling it down to even the simple things people should enjoy in life.

I walked outside afterwards for fresh air, I breathed in. The two ladies who I had been talking to most walked outside too, it was interesting to see they did not get too much out of the talk too.. It made me think and we all discussed the important things in life.. Each to their own, I respect so many people who work so hard and have the finer things in life.. But for me in that moment I said despite what is going on Henry, despite missing you with every fibre of my being, I felt grateful.. I felt grateful for the life your Dad and I share, that we often laugh together, that we always make time to enjoy life together such as go to the beach before I would start work, stand up paddle board when I would get home, garden, cook and be. Your dad and I truly value time together Henry and for that I am so grateful as that is what is important to me.

One lady had given an answer in the talk, she gave an answer that I loved and it took me back to Thursday, she said she wanted to make sure she danced in the kitchen to one song with her family once a week! I have to say I hope your dad and I continue to dance in the kitchen and feel you near, and that we do this with your siblings too.

That night Henry when I got home, when I walked in the door, your Dad and two of our amazing friends were there, they all greeted me with a smile and a glass of champagne, they listened about my day, we enjoyed some laughs and drinks over an amazing meal cooked by your Dad, we laughed we talked, there was guitar playing and singing. It was just what I needed, they were just there, they were there in the moments we laughed, sang together and joked and there in the moments when I shed a few tears. That night as we went to bed Henry, your dad as I walked in our bedroom, tried to hide his face, I hugged him I saw his tears running down his face, he still cries for you too.

I came across this blog post Henry and it resonated with me, it did so because it talked about what I just have, about friends just being there about them being there whether you are laughing or crying, about how they can be there and not know what to say, about how life has changed and we will never be the same….. ‘4. Realize that your friend has been forever changed by the loss of her baby. Don’t expect her to be exactly the same. And please realize that grief has its own time table. Allow her the time she needs, and remain supportive. Everyone grieves differently.’

Sunday your Dad and I had a lazy day Henry, a lazy day at home which I needed, I thought of you often as I always do. I thought of how we would have had you out in the sunshine if you were here, I thought of how much I just want to be holding you and your siblings in my aching arms.

Today Henry, I struggled when I woke up, motivation is hard to find. As I lay in bed I thought about how worried I am this feeling, this hurting this aching won’t soften, I thought about how sometimes I would give anything to make it go away. I eventually got myself up. Your Dad and I headed to my PT session, he decided he would join in today… as we sat in the car and waited until my beautiful PT finished up with her client before us… I said to your Dad “I just do not have any motivation it is just not there, I feel like the days go so slow, but then I look at the time that’s passed and I feel like its slipping away I know November will come and I will need to make decisions about work yet I can’t I don’t think I can do it” “You don’t need to worry about that yet” your Dad replied “Just take each day as it comes” tears flowed softly down my cheeks “I know” I said. Sometimes Henry, I need to remind myself not to be so hard on myself, to expect myself to have it all together, to expet myself to know what to do….

Your Dad and I worked hard during the PT session I was proud of him Henry, he did well, he almost kept up with me 😉 it felt good to exercise, it felt good to be in the sun.

After we got home and your Dad got a haircut I had a healthy lunch, I made it, I did something. We went to Bunnings to get some things to make a screen for your garden. As we got home I said to your Dad “I want to fast forward time” he replied “I know I am not even going to say not to think that, to say we would miss out on things if we did as I feel the same”, Henry sometimes I want time to stop, sometimes I want to not wake up and other times I want time to fast forward, I want it to fast forward so so quickly to be holding your siblings in my arms, to know what it’s like to have that crying baby here to show that love, all the things I had wanted with you. I can not explain that, the longing for this, how much I want it, and the fear, the fear that day may never arrive.

It’s my birthday soon Henry, your Dad keeps asking what I want, but the things I want you can’t buy, if you could I would have you here. I would walk in to that store with you in my arms and buy 7 more and maybe some more puppies too. My birthday Henry will be another reminder, a reminder of what I don’t have, of the one thing I will always want. It’s a reminder I am getting older, the clock is ticking, a reminder of things I don’t want to remember but yet never want to forget.

So much love to you our Henry, our star, the little boy who made me a mum, the little boy who will always have every inch of my heart.

 

 

Yesterday Henry, I did ok, I couldn’t keep still… I needed to be busy. I went to get a coffee in the morning, go to an appointment. After this your Dad and I came home to have something good to eat and I was off on to my next appointment, this all took up a lot of the day which was good. It is good sometimes to be really busy at other times its tiring. But yesterday I navigated through the day ok.

I started typing my submission in to the parliamentary enquiry in to stillbirth, that was difficult, it was hard to see the words on the screen in front of me, starting to tell our story. Our story about you, about how it all went wrong, about how things could have been different. It is confronting putting all of those details together in front of me. I got a phone call not long after I started from a really good friend to check in, it was welcome and nice distraction. It’s a friend I have talked about before and worked with her, she’s like a mum to me, we talked about you about how we were feeling about work and how I  don’t feel up to going back, not that I need to make any decisions there right now as I still have my paid maternity leave.

Last night Henry, last night a beautiful friend dropped a card and letter in our letterbox, Your Dad brought it in and handed it to me, I sat and opened it. The card was from four people, four people who have contributed and organised to a workshop that is running soon, a workshop they thought might be good for me, may help me to find some peace and work out some direction, the workshop is called Stand Tall workshop and retreat  will be held next weekend, along with these four people your Dad’s family…. who are my family contributed to this as well, they all put in together to be able to send me to the retreat. I was so shocked as I read the words put in to the card as I looked at what had been done, I cried. I cried and wondered how anyone would do this for me. So next weekend I will spend my days at this retreat its close by so I will be coming home at nights to be with your Dad. It is such a beautiful gesture and I am still in some shock.Â

Last night as your Dad and I went to bed, the plan was to read, but your Dad decided he was tired and would go to sleep, but as usual couldn’t sleep. We talked about siblings for you again “It would all be practising at the moment wouldn’t it?” your Dad asked “Well yeah” I replied “there’s only that slim chance each month, only a couple of days” we continued to talk as your Dad made jokes, ‘Arthur and Martha’ is the name he has given to your siblings in the interim. “Do I need to talk to them like you do?” I asked your Dad laughing at him, referring to while we were away and he had spoken to his gonads….. Theres a song Henry that goes like this ‘Hello muddah hello fuddah here I am at camp Granada’ your dad often sings it “Hello Arthur, hello Martha” I started singing your Dad laughing, I couldn’t think of a second line then finally sang to him “Hello Arthur, Hello Martha its time to come out of your father” we both started laughing “Good job” said your Dad “although you know we will not be able to take this seriously at all, we will think of that song all the time now” “Well” I said “I can’t sing it now anyway as we don’t want them to come out yet, their friends can but not Arthur and Martha” I replied “Oh they are all Arthur’s and Martha’s in there” he said to me “Oh ok I am glad I know how it works now” I said and sang it one more time to make us both laugh. Your Dad says I shouldn’t write this in my letter Henry, he thinks the car to take me away may pull up out the front..

Your poor Dad Henry didn’t get much sleep last night, he was up and down with a stomach bug, so we both were tired. This morning Henry I woke up so very sad, I felt so much sadness, crying and crying as I thought about many different things and circumstances, my mind trying to make sense of so much, but it will all never make sense…… no matter what none of it brings you back. I cried in to my pillow trying to will myself to get up for the day ahead. I messaged a friend who has been through this many years ago, who had lost her two beautiful baby boys, twins. ‘please tell me this shit gets easier’ I started my message off with ‘ I’m not gonna lie… it doesn’t get easier it just sits next to you differently…’ was part of her reply.

This morning as I got out of the shower Henry and your Dad got in, we compared bellies, we did this so often as my belly grew with you, since your birth mines gone down, your Dad has gone up. I shook mine a little “I am proud of this” I said to your Dad “I am so proud of it and the other changes in my body, as my body did an amazing job carrying our baby our Henry”.. “You should be proud” your Dad replied “and I am glad that you are”. It’s the first time Henry I have been truly happy with my body and haven’t cared about the bumps or extra lumps or if I don’t fit in to those jeans. This body of mine carried you with so much love.

We finally got ourselves going and decided to spend some time outdoors, we headed to blackhead to see if we could see any whales, Something we had planned to do with you most mornings… Something we used to do so much while I was pregnant with you, on your Dads days off and before I would start work we would go get a coffee and chocolate milkshake and go sit or stand overlooking the water…  As we stood there this morning watching I was drinking my coffee and I felt ill, It was like deja vu “I feel sick” I said to your Dad “I don’t feel well I feel like I am going to be sick” the only problem was that feeling of wanting to vomit was like a trigger as it reminded me of morning sickness 😦 so many things are a reminder and having suffered HG with you I was sick a lot.

We decided to head home I wanted to work more on my submission when we got there, but on the way home I got a call from the hospital, the call made me angry, it got to me, I spent the next hour or so angry until your Dad said to me “Let’s go walk on the beach” so we did, we drove to the beach and walked barefoot across the sand your dad being brave at first and feeling the water with his feet, “It’s freezing” he exclaimed trying to get me to walk in, finally I did I walked and let the water rush over my feet, it didn’t feel to bad, I wondered is this because my body wanted to feel numb I stayed there and walked in a bit further “come on Kristy Jean come out of the water” your Dad said to me and I walked back to hug him, truth is though Henry so often I just want to walk in to that water and have it swallow me whole.

It was good to walk on the sand in the sun even though the wind was cold. we walked for as long as we could just taking in our surroundings, I feel like sometimes my eyes look down more these days, maybe it’s because its hard to see ahead, its hard to look forward when all you want to do is go back in time.

I looked in the mirror today Henry, I looked at the bags under my eyes, I looked at the dark circles, I looked at my tired skin, this Henry this is the face of my grief. I cried, as I cried I realised I barely take photos anymore, If I do I make sure my sunglasses are on. I look down instead of looking ahead. Once I wiped my tears I snapped a picture. This is what grief looks like today. Tomorrow it could look a little different, tomorrow there could be a smile over the pain, my eyes might show a little bit of brightness… but each day it’s there… and it’s changed me.

Today has been so damn hard Henry, I have cried so many times, I have just felt angry and then sad, then angry then sad again. I miss you so much. Today I have even questioned am I Mum? As its hard to feel like one when I am not looking after you…  I said to your Dad after we ate dinner “Its been a really tough day”, “That is ok” said your Dad “just let it be and feel it” I nodded and hugged him, I decided to have a hot shower as I haven’t been feeling well this afternoon. As I stood in the shower the hot water pouring down over me I felt the tears, tears turned in to sobs as I felt I couldn’t stand I crouched in the bottom of the shower “I just want you here if only” I said to myself going through all the if only’s in my mind “I just want you Henry” I said out loud between sobs. My body aching, my throat hurting. I just don’t know that I am a Mum I thought to myself. I know I am your Mum Henry and I am so very proud to be your mum, but I must admit it’s not easy being a mum to an angel.

Friday Henry, Friday was a good day, I felt ok which was nice… your Dad and I visited Port Arthur historical site which is an old penitentiary for convicts. The site now has remains of the buildings including the goal, churches and homes some able to be restored to original full condition others were just barely shells of the buildings. The first name we came across was yours Henry… of course being a historical site and an old-fashioned name it was going to happen, but the first information sign I looked at had your name.

We completed the walking tour with a guide then wandered on our own, there was an eerie feeling around the place and you can imagine the things that went on, as we walked in the remains of what used to be the hospital your Dad said to me “I wonder if the very bottom room was the morgue” maybe it was…..
As we walked around dark grey clouds moved quickly first in the distance then over head and above us, they made for great photos with the old buildings behind. As we got close to the end we got to an area where there used to be a cafe, this is where in more recent times in 1996 an awful massacre occurred, as we walked this area and the memorial garden, this was the most eerie of it all and as I read the names of the people who were killed that day, my heart ached for them, it ached for them and their families, those who have had to go in without their loved ones, those who lost their loved ones that day unexpectedly and in such awful circumstances, I will never know their exact pain, but with the pain I feel over losing you I can only imagine it hurts like that does, that they have felt the aching, the despair.

After leaving port Arthur your Dad and I headed to McHenry distillery which was close by, yet another Henry appearing again! We spent some time tasting gin and talking to the ladies there, who were kind and lovely to talk with. We left with three bottles as we headed back to get some lunch and back to sit by the fire and keep warm… Friday Henry I coped well.

Saturday Henry was a different story, Saturday was our day to come home. It’s so hard to explain the mixed feelings that spread throughout my whole body, anxiousness felt right in to the pit of my stomach, it twisted it turned like you might turn your spaghetti to wrap it around your fork, so many turns, the anxiousness I think, was the not knowing how I would feel returning to our home, our home without you, then there was sadness, so much sadness… I was drowning in those waves again. I said to your Dad and kept thinking in my mind “just take me to where it does not hurt so much” I have to ask is there such a place? will there ever be?

Your Dad started his tassie song to make me laugh, Henry your Dad is so very amazing Henry. As we sat at the airport he told me how this week coming up we would cook and look after ourselves better, how we were going to try to get some routine back. He is trying to be so strong your Dad, so strong.

As we sat at the airport a couple with a little boy who I would guess was about 18 months old sat beside us, the little boy looked at me with his big blue eyes “plane” he said I smiled at him “Are you going on the plane?” I asked he smiled back… “it’s his first flight today” his proud mum beamed smiling as she said it… “Oh wow that’s very exciting” I replied smiling at her, as they waited she sat on the floor with the little boy and his cars and trucks from his bag they pushed them back and forwards to one another… Such precious moments, moments I will never get with you… I long to be able to play cars with you! Your Dad and I had talked while I was pregnant how Friday nights when you were bigger would be lego night, we had looked forward to when you were older being able to buy you lego and just spread it all out on a Friday night and sit and build with you… we had smiled when we talked about it, if only….

Arriving home was bittersweet, your fur sisters as always were excited to see us.. Snikkers pawed at me and wouldn’t leave my side, Missy ran excitedly around and back and forwards to us both. Snikkers tail wouldn’t stop, I leant down to her near the floor and held on to her as tears filled my eyes. We arrived home to some beautiful things in the mail Henry, a friend of mine sent me a beautiful key ring with your name, it is shaped as a boy and an angel wing attached, another friend of mine sent us a candle with a photograph of you with your Dad and I as the label, with the saying love you to the moon and back… she had previously bought for your room a heart with that saying, I remember the day she gave it to me I was 16 weeks pregnant with you I had told her how special that saying was to us when she gave me that heart, as I always said it to your Dad and he replies to the street light and beyond.. a little joke we have with one another… I also had a special card with three butterfly pins inside, such beautiful gestures… not to mention a special note and a delivery of some wine, beer and yummy bread from some friends too.
We have kept every card, note, letter written to us and for you.. I keep them all in a special box marked with a H that a friend gave to us.

 

As we unpacked and spent time with the puppies, your Nanny and Poppy dropped over we spoke with them for a while.. after they left and it came time to bed I broke, the anxiousness, the sadness, the longing, the pain had all built up….. I broke it finally came out your Dad hugged me tight as I sobbed in to his chest “I would have given my life for him to be here, I would have” I cried “I know I would have too” replied your dad and held me tighter “It’s been too long since I got to hold him” I said to your dad between sobs “I’m here we will get through this” he said to me, I held on to your Dad so tightly as I couldn’t stop the tears “I just want our baby boy that’s all I want I don’t want anything in this world just him” I said as the sobs became harder “Me too” said your Dad “me too”… The tears wouldn’t stop when they finally did I fell asleep.

Sunday Henry, Sunday I woke up to Missy wanting to go outside I took her out then jumped back in to bed, your Dad slept and slept… I lay awake.. Eventually when we got up while your Dad showered, I went in to your room to water the plant I had bought and placed in there before you were born… My friend who was staying with us to look after the puppies she came in to your room, instantly tears filled her eyes “It hurts so much I am hurting for you and Tim” she said “look at all his beautiful things” I showed her the dog pyjamas I had bought for you to wear and told her about how I had bought them as I had wanted us all to have dog pyjamas in winter, I have mentioned this in my letters before, it wasn’t; until I looked at them I realised on the dog bowls it has the letters HM… They are hairy maclary pyjamas so I know the HM is there for that, but it’s just so funny I bought them while you were still in my belly before we knew your name and they are your initials HM… They will always be your little pj’s maybe one day your sibling might wear them..
I got them out of the box and went in to your Dad who had just dressed “look at this in Henry’s pyjamas they have HM” your Dad looked and tears filled his eyes straight away, he hugged me then tried to hide his tears, I went and got him a clean hanky from the line and hugged him again.

We went shopping for some fruit and veg, so we can try, so we can try this week to be a little healthier, try to get some routine.. our lives have changed so very much, Your Dad talked to me on the way to the shops about ‘the twins'”It will happen for us, before you know we will be chasing Henry’s siblings around”

Last night Henry your Dad got home, he got home and after eating his dinner, I noticed he put a status up about appreciating the little things in life, how once you have something life changing happen you’ll wish for yesterday, I know your Dad doesn’t let it out as much as I or say as much and that’s his way, but I knew reading that he was hurting… I looked over to him and he was crying, I hugged him tight, your Dad tries not to cry too much, he later cried again, he went in the kitchen but I could hear him I let him be, I let him be there so the tears would come out freely without stopping as I know he doesn’t always like me to know when he’s crying so I let him let them out and later hugged him again letting him know how much I love him.

When we went to bed your Dad and I had trouble sleeping once again, both still wide awake at midnight, I eventually fell asleep and noticed when waking up this morning that your dad had sent me something at 3am, meaning he was awake then too, your dad had said before Henry that it’s often the time he is awake and sad and trying to distract his thoughts. That is the time his storm starts, that’s the time the lightning and thunder hit in his mind, the time where he tries to find some shelter from that storm but is usually left in the pouring rain.

As we both woke this morning we looked down at missy on her bad, she was right on the edge almost falling off “Missy is only just hanging on” your Dad said to me, “I am too but in a different way” I replied “me too” your Dad replied “I am only just hanging on like this” as he pulled the tiniest bit of my pyjama shirt in-between two of his fingers “I love you I am here for you always, you are what keeps me going” I said to him, “You are what keeps me going we will do this together” he replied. We lay in bed hugging one another not wanting to get up and face the day.

Get up and face the day is what we needed to do though, today for the first time in months I went back to training, I hadn’t trained in the last few weeks pregnant with you and haven’t had the energy too since, plus I needed to wait until I was fully healed from birth, I went back to see my personal trainer and wonderful friend. She was so excited about you Henry she had said to me when coming to see me a few weeks back about how even though I was so sick, I still smiled every time I saw her, I still talked about you excitedly and with so much love and she was right, I did, She couldn’t wait to come meet and cuddle you.
I dragged myself out of bed to shower and get dressed and made my way to the gym, greeted with a big smile and hug from her, instantly the tears started to fall, I dried them aside and we began, we began our session I tried so hard and struggled too, we talked about you, about how I was feeling, how my body was healing about how hard it is, about how can we move forward. she was so encouraging Henry and reminded me that no one can judge our future decisions or say what is right for us as they are not in our shoes.

She said this to me as I talked to her about wanting siblings for you, I talked to her about how now my period had returned another reminder my body knows I am not breastfeeding you, I wasn’t initially going to write that in here but you know what, these are my letters, my letters to you, my way of remembering, of sharing of talking about this, this is real and it happened to us…. so I want to write about all the struggles, about all the information, I want to share so others know the struggles people in this situation go through and to let everyone know its ok to talk about it. That is what gets people through, being able to talk, not feeling like they can’t. So my period returned while we were away in those last few days and we are now deciding whether or not we try again. I know it won’t come without its struggles, I know we are still grieving you, I know that there may be heartache… but I can’t live life not trying.

Today Henry, today I had to go pick up mail from the post office box, I got a slip in there for registered mail, I picked up the letter from inside and got back in the car with your Dad, I felt it instantly that sting that pain I didn’t even need to open it to know what it was, I breathed in a really deep breath and opened the envelope your Dad looking on as I opened the carefully folded piece of paper he knew what it was too…. sobs began as I looked at this piece of paper in front of me on my lap ‘your birth certificate’ your name Henry Peter Maggs 26th April 2018. Stillbirth written beside your name. 😦 “It’s special” your Dad said to me holding my hand as he cried, “It is very special” he said trying to comfort me, and I know it is special as its your certificate to show you were born, yet that word ‘stillbirth’ next to your name, it shouldn’t be there, it’s not how this is supposed to be… As a friend said to me instead of saying that it should say ‘too perfect for this shit world’ and you are too perfect Henry, just too perfect.

Today Henry when you Dad and I went to go get coffee and a hot chocolate, we were told a friend had left a tab for us, left some money there to pre pay for us… I asked the owner of the shop “who?” she told me a last name, I couldn’t believe it, that one little gesture, that one act of kindness made a shitty shitty day just a little bit sweeter.

Your Dad and I have spent the afternoon cuddled up as it is cold, we are trying to keep warm, we have decided day by day we need to do one thing we don’t want to do, as in routine things, Yesterday for me that was cooking up sweet potato and beetroot to have with my breakfasts this week, today I achieved going to the gym.. small steps…. day by day… Your Dad he returns to work in a couple of weeks, of that I am scared, scared for him and how he will go, how he might cope? and scared for me for the same. I think work may be good for him, something distracting a routine, then I worry with his type of job… I then worry about how I may go with him back at work, we have grieved together, been supporting one another, spent most of this time together.. I think the first few days may be hard… some people have asked when I will go back to work, but honestly I do not know… I can’t think about that Henry, I can’t imagine travelling, being away from home, walking in to childcare centres, thinking, smiling, pretending nothing is wrong… When it is wrong, my whole entire world feels wrong without you here in my arms, this is not how we saw it, this is not how it should be…. But it is!