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This morning Henry, this morning I was tired, so very very tired I kept waking up and drifting back to sleep, your Dad lay awake beside me he held my hand as I went back to sleep again, once I woke and allowed myself to stay awake an all-encompassing cloud of sadness surrounded me I cried in to your Dad’s chest, cried because no matter how much I try I can’t stop the thoughts of guilt of having not been able to stop this from happening, I know realistically that this is not my fault, I know I did not cause it, but the what ifs… the what if I had of called them back in to my room one more time again that night, stood up more for myself when I said I didn’t feel right, instead of just waiting.. The what ifs are apparently a normal part of the process when you lose a baby but they haunt me, oh how they haunt my head, all I want is to go back in time and change it all but I can’t.

I said to your Dad “It’s so heavy, I just feel heavy and I wish the heaviness would stop” I feel like there’s a constant weight on top of me, and then my body feels like it is made of concrete, it weighs me down, right down in to each of my bones, my heart, my mind. I’m sure if I was to step in to the water right now I would just sink, I would sink straight to the bottom as I am so heavy with hurt and pain…. the only thing that may allow me to float would be my love for you.

This morning we had a late start, it took us a while to want to get up, your Dad said he’d be happy to sleep the day away, but we didn’t we got up. We decided today we would head to MONA (The museum of old and new art). We got up dressed and showered and off we went.

When arriving we noticed names along the buildings of the accommodation where people can stay, we talked about your name and about how so many people had said to us it isn’t what they expected, they love your name but said it wasn’t what they thought we would pick… I don’t think it was what we thought we would either, but as soon as you arrived and were placed on to my chest, it just suited it was you… Henry.

MONA was an interesting place, a big sensory overload, some rooms were actually quite confronting to be in with the sounds and videos playing all at once, or the flashes of light with sounds and the darkness, your Dad and I said how we felt uneasy in some rooms and we joked about how it felt like the voices and sounds were trying to give subliminal messages and how perhaps tonight in our sleep we would be running the streets naked and screaming..

We stopped at different pieces of art and before reading about them we would try to come up with our own interpretation, in one room which was full of white nameless empty books on bookshelves and tables of white paper with nothing on them, I commented to your Dad “It’s like all the words all the past has been erased, like its gone back to the beginning of time where no ones story has been created, no words written, It’s all just gone a blank canvas for the world to start again” Your Dad thought I was pretty smart for that one… As we walked on to the next piece and there were three different portraits of a lady I said to your dad it’s like they are showing her dark and light sides if your look at the difference in shadows in the paintings. I thought I could interpret it well.

Even a waterfall of words which streamed down, it made me feel uneasy, I felt as though some of the words used were dark and uninviting. But it was an interesting experience all the same and some exhibits brought us laughter too, it also felt like we were in another world and it allowed us to escape for a while.

One exhibit we stood at and looked had shattered pieces falling, pieces of glass and debris  shattered all over the floor as other bits hung down, I said to your Dad “I can interpret this one, it represents my life, it represents me all broken, shattered, pieces absolutely everywhere, pieces all over the floor and still falling down and a mess that seems to big, to overwhelming to try to begin to clean up.

As we wandered the book and gift store afterwards, I saw some funny children’s books, one was a take on possum magic but was called ‘bum magic’ and was about a pair of bums… I smiled as I looked at the book, this would be great for little boys I thought having worked in early childhood before I know how much boys of a certain age love that toilet talk and silliness, “Are you going to get it?” your Dad asked….. but I couldn’t I had to put it back, as it was a reminder of all the books we had bought for you, I love to read and had planned to read to you every night. It was bittersweet looking at those books, as I could think of others I could buy it for, but you are the only one I want to be buying them for and I can’t…. I felt that familiar knot and twinge in my stomach, I felt that familiar heavy ache of my arms.

My mind wandered to if we ever had a sibling for you, how different that pregnancy would be…. the excitement of new life, of a life growing inside would be replaced with fear, fear of what if that life stops… The hopes for a future and plans would be replaced with not wanting to think ahead not allowing ourselves to make those future plans as we know they can all be ripped away in an instant….. The moments we spent buying cute things, would be replaced with not daring to buy a thing incase that little life was not to be….  The innocence of birth replaced with an anxiety, anxiety that if the baby didn’t come quickly, that it may all go wrong at any instant. Would we want to even share our happy news with others? as we had been so excited to do with you? or would we hide it away as much as we could? In fear, in terror that a little life could go? would we live that time dreading what could happen? regardless of what our future holds there is tough times ahead.

I made sure I got a picture outside with a truck and your little blue bear in hand.

Tonight Henry we prepare to go out to dinner with your Uncle, as we wait for him I sit and type, I type and think of your sweet face, I type and think of others I know who have been through the same pain, who I know even with time still feel the pain but have built there lives around it. They are who give me hope, they are who provide me with a little strength to know we can do the same. That we will find our ‘new normal’ as the book I have been reading describes.

Tonight Henry, we will go out, we will have some good food and even make a toast to you. Your Dad and I will try, we will smile, and we will keep taking steps forward even if we have to take some back.

 

Yesterday Henry was our first full day in Tasmania, Your Dad had mentioned to me that we were going out somewhere nice for dinner, “I don’t have anything to wear” I said to him, I know this seems like a trivial first world problem, but I literally did not have any nice dinner clothes with me as none of my dressier winter clothes fit at the moment, my body is a completely different shape since pregnancy and birth, but I wouldn’t change it at all as I carried and delivered you and you are so much more precious than a small chest, flat stomach and toned thighs. So he decided we should go shopping for me to buy something nice.

Normally I wouldn’t, normally I don’t spend a lot on myself, but I wanted to look nice, I wanted to try to enjoy a dinner later with your dad. So off we went and I found a black dress, nice boots and got some thick stockings with polka dots… Your Dad laughed as he knows I love polka dots and well I had to find something with them on it. I already at least had a nice coat in my bag we had bought in Melbourne just before I fell pregnant with you. Some of the shopping was hard, especially as I stood in the change room and saw the changes in my body, It is like a small bee sting each time I look in a mirror that little bit of pain to show that I carried you, but I don’t get to carry you in my aching arms.

After shopping, we headed back to our accommodation so your Dad could rest, he still hasn’t been 100% Henry, still has this cough, so back we went and snuggled the afternoon in bed, he snored while I read.. it’s been nice to get back in to reading, the book I am reading Grief Works by Julia Samuel, Julia Samuel is a grief psychologist and the book is full of stories of people who have experienced great love and loss and how they have worked through their grief. There are then reflections on the grief and how families and friends can help… I turned straight to the section on losing a child, the first scenario you wouldn’t believe was actually on a couple who had a stillbirth, the second part you wouldn’t believe Henry is that the father’s name was Henry… I now see your name everywhere!

A few lines in this book really stuck out for, lines which may help people to somewhat understand ‘There is almost nothing more traumatic than the death of a child: it tears up the rule book of life…… The death of a child leaves a fathomless hole, and, of all the losses people suffer, it takes the longest to rebuild their lives afterwards’ …… ‘They are grieving their absence in their everyday life as well as the future they assumed they would one day see’……. ‘the pain of a child’s loss can not be measured by age, but the love and hope that were invested in them’ Other important areas and aspects of the book talk about the importance of support and how social support of good friends who stay close and connected beyond the time of crisis can help these families re-enter life. One thing I am so thankful of Henry is the people in our lives, they have sent messages of support, cards which were so beautiful to receive and read as you know you are thought of and those that continue to check in, even when sometimes I have been unable to respond there’s still a message there to let us know we are thought of… which helps.

Last night Henry, your Dad and I we got dressed up, for the first time in such a long time… While I was pregnant with you being so unwell we didn’t really go out much at night, so this was the first time in a long time we got dressed up, I put on makeup my high heel boots and we walked to dinner, as we walked in the cold night air I said to your dad “You look very handsome” “pfft” was his reply “You look stunning” he said “you are shining like a bright candle and I am like a cold bucket of water next to you” … “you are not” I replied to him, “Yes” he said “We will walk in to that bar and people will be like look at that bright candle there trying to hold on to that cold bucket of water” we both laughed, but I really wish your dad would believe me when I tell him he’s handsome, so often when I look at your Dad in a certain light or on a certain angle I can see you in him. This makes me smile when I see it, but it’s a smile that’s filled with longing and the agony of not being able to watch you grow and see the changes in you, who you would have looked like more as you grew, what your features would be.

We arrived at dinner your dad then told me after ordering the most expensive French champagne by the glass that one of my beautiful friends had shouted us dinner, she had contacted him without me knowing and put some money in to his account and told him about this place and another to choose from, I cried when he told me…. This friend has known me for a while, she’s seen me go through a lot and always been there, we talk about things most people wouldn’t talk about and we have shared in each others ups and downs. She’s like a big sister. I cried without trying to ruin my makeup. “People are so caring and generous” I said to your Dad, he said back to me “that’s because you always are to them, you always will help out and put your hand up to help others wherever you can, thats why people want to do the same for you”

At dinner Henry your Dad and I talked, there were moments close to tears and moments of laughter too, we had moments of being silly as we watched people walk past on the footpath outside, guessing where they might be going, who they were… I said to your Dad we should have different identities while we were here, I told him I would be Gemima “You can’t do that” he said to me “first rule of being undercover Kristy Jean (he calls me that sometimes) is it needs to be believable and you need to be able to keep it close to real to respond, you don’t want to be at the cider house tomorrow and when they are calling Gemima you are looking in to the distance” …. “Fine Kimberly and Tom?” I asked he shook his head I laughed… I just didn’t want to be us anymore, for a little while I wanted to be someone else, someone who got to take their son home, someone who wasn’t constantly feeling pain… but then I think again I am so proud to be your mum Henry so that means being me, pain and all. By the end of dinner your dad had changed my name to Kirsty Freckle Hair.

Today Henry, today we ventured further south to the Huon valley to go in each of cider…. we drove and the countryside was beautiful, we took it in, as we drove further towards the area we wanted to be, we noticed the large cloud of fog over it, fog everywhere so hard to see, but beauty in it at the same time. The fog I thought as it was so thick reminded me of the fog of our first few weeks home at the hospital without you, the constant cloud we felt was around us so thick, you can not see past it…  no way through… That fog still exits but  is getting thinner, I think for a while there will always be some cloud surrounding us.

We travelled windy roads… I found new friends by getting your Dad to stop the car so I could feed some calves, they were so beautiful and made me laugh as when I fed one grass he then kept licking my whole hand after each time I fed him, it was nice to laugh, to pat them, it was nice to be in that moment… I know you would have been proud, proud of us enjoying that moment, of us smiling, I could feel you smiling with me….  I love animals Henry such a soft spot for them and I smiled as I wondered if you would have loved animals too?

As we drove we stopped to explore the water, it was so crystal clear and beautiful we saw small starfish on the rocks, tiny ducks a little further out paddling madly with their feet swimming along, your little blue bear with us. We stopped at different cider sheds, tasting the ciders and also enjoying some really good  food, it was a nice day Henry, nice for your Dad and I to do something new.

As the afternoon went on I felt tired, with the tired came the sadness, like they were mixed in to one in the air and as I took in each breath I felt more tired and more sad. When we got back to our accommodation a big long cry, a long cry and a hot shower.

Today Henry, I changed my profile picture on social media, I will do so on the 6th of each month, in honour you and to help raise awareness of stillbirth…. to try to advocate for changes to systems, to procedures and for more attention to be given to this cause. The government does not put any funding in to the research or to assist in preventing still birth. Organisations that support the cause such as Stillbirth Foundation Australia  is the only Australian charity dedicated to stillbirth research and are 100 percent community funded.

Tonight Henry, we sit by the fire, I type while your Dad yells at the state of origin on TV. He always yells at the football your Dad, he sometimes scares your fur sister Snikkers and she looks worried or goes and sits outside away from him. I had pictured you during winter on your Dads lap, him holding you as he watched the footy, I had pictured it so many times, I had wondered whether you would wake and cry with his yelling or be happy to be in his arms. As I think about this there is a twinge in my stomach a lump rises in my throat another plan, another future plan that wont happen. I feel my heart break a little more.

I sit and I wonder tonight Henry what the future holds for your Dad and I, I know at the moment I can not think too far ahead and I shouldn’t as we need time. I do know though by you having existed you have changed our perspective, we have an even bigger appreciation of life and what is really important, you have shown us time and time again that people are kind and wonderful, you have presented us with a love, a love that we never knew before, a love that is so strong, a love that will never end…… Our love for you and that love is what will keep us taking steps each day, whether we are walking along the sand or through thick sticky mud that makes each step difficult, that love will get us through. We love you Henry xx.

 

Yesterday, yesterday Henry we packed our bags, packed up all our warm jackets and jumpers and clothes to prepare for a trip to Tasmania. Yesterday while packing I cried, I cried as I thought I shouldn’t be packing for a trip away… I should be staying home and holding you, feeding you, cuddling you. That longing for you never goes. As I packed I made sure I put in my handbag your little blue bear.

Yesterday afternoon we had to drop your dads van to your nanny and poppy, so your poppy can drive it to work and try to sell the van so we can work on your car… When we left your Nanny and Poppy’s house I had tears in my eyes, your dad and I pulled out of the driveway way and both looked at one another and I saw the tears in his eyes too, we knew in the morning we were leaving our security behind, certain people and our home have been like a little secure bubble for us Henry.

Today Henry we got up early, we showered packed up the car and drove the two hours to Sydney, Today there wasn’t the excitement like I would normally have when leaving for a holiday…. only an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach… so much anxiousness it was like someone was able to twist my stomach in to a knot on the insides and at moments during that drive the knot became tighter, sometimes it loosened allowing a little bit of relief. Tears stayed close to my eyes as your dad and I we tried to make light conversation, the only thing is light conversation can be hard to come by when you’re in your grief.

We got to the airport, checked in and tried find something to eat as we had left without breakfast, neither of us have a very big appetite these days but we are making each other eat… we settled with average airport food then headed to the gate, at the gate I got out your little blue bear, I am going to take photos of him all throughout our travels, and keep him close as I know you are always by our sides.

As we sat in the terminal I watched people arrive to sit and others walk by, a man a few rows over looked our way many times, I wondered as he looked is it obvious, is our grief showing, even though we are sitting normally as any other couple can they tell? I looked around at all the people and thought no, I wondered as I looked is anyone else here hurting too?

After boarding the plane as it was about to take off tears again, I really want to embrace this trip Henry, I want to for you, I want to for your Dad and for myself too….. But it just feels so wrong the reason behind it all to try to find some peace, escape the world that waits us at home, escape the reality of you being gone… Tears silently fell I would stay home for the rest of my life if it meant you could be here.

Throughout the flight drifting in and out of light sleep, watching out the window the big ocean below, your Dad read a magazine, I heard conversations around me… people excited to be exploring somewhere new, people arriving home to loved ones and here we were flying to try to get away together, to a different place, to hopefully find comfort, to find ways to cope, to find?? I don’t even know what we are searching for.

As we arrived in Hobart, we walked to the baggage claim, there was a really cute beagle sniffer dog with her handler on the way… you had to hold your bags to the left as you went past… I didn’t know this Henry so your Dad handed me the bag he had hanging on his right shoulder I thought he wanted me to carry it so I placed it on my right “Bags to the side” said the handler as we walked past, I thought he meant to his side so I placed it down…. “she only needs one sniff” said the handler your Dad laughing at me, “I didn’t know that’s what he meant” I said to your Dad giving him a look then smiling at him… Your Dad replied “It was like you were giving yourself up, here you go here’s my bag I am guilty” I laughed… “Well you were no help” I replied “You didn’t explain when you gave me the bag, it was like you were going to give it to me to be caught and quickly run” we both laughed your Dad nudging me…

We got our baggage, our hire car and off we set to our accommodation Henry, a small terrace house in the north of Hobart.. Fire place on as soon as we got in. We got settled and went for a walk, exploring the shops and restaurants nearby and stopping for lunch. The place we stopped for lunch looked good, we walked in and got menus and went to walk to our seats…. All inside about four newborn babies and their mums and friends at different tables, I almost lost my breath I couldn’t sit in there we walked out and found a table outside… Does the universe hate me? I thought to myself we just want to sit for a nice lunch and it’s like a kick in the guts to remind me we don’t have you here, I don’t get to meet friends for lunch and show you off.. instead when I am up for it I get to maybe go out for a walk and a coffee and yes I talk about you, but I don’t get to hold you, have my friends hold you and smile and laugh and talk about funny stories of being a first time mum.

We ate our delicious lunch and walked down the street as we did a billboard with advertisements that changed stood on the corner of a building, as I looked up it changed from a gym to an advertisement for a local obstetrician and the picture of a pregnant woman with a big belly, “of course” I said to your Dad… not only did it seem like the whole of north Hobart was pushing prams and populating the billboard had to shove it in my face too. On the way back from our walk we stopped in to a book store, just as we left with our books…. well you guessed it heavily pregnant woman turned right in front of me. I have nothing against these actual people but at the moment some days it can sting to see this, I know I can’t avoid it Henry, and I don’t want too but today it was just hard.

We plan to each night sit by the fire and read, I am hoping that by doing so, by relxing by the fire with a book it may help, it might help with thoughts, with sleep, with finding calm light moments within the darkness that surrounds us.

Tonight your Dad and I sit by the fire we have had pizza and prosecco, we sit quietly with music playing in the background. I really want to and hope to make the most of this trip, to see the beauty, to see your Dad smile, to feel joy in the days and what we find. I want to take this time to be. I am hoping you will guide me Henry, guide me to notice things I would normally never notice, guide me to see the joy in everyday and as you do so I will hold you, I will hold you in my heart I will talk fondly of you and remember you, my beautiful precious boy.

 

Yesterday, yesterday Henry I did ok, I had coffee with a beautiful friend she listened, she listened as I talked about you, as I talked about my thoughts, she really listened and I appreciated it so much, we cried, we laughed, she told me how she thought of you, she told me how she loved reading my letters to you, how she laughed at the stories I shared about your dad and I. It was nice it was good to be out.

Yesterday after that we went to counselling, the counsellor she was nice, she listened she asked questions, we both talked to her, she explained to your dad and I that we are doing all of the right things, we are allowing ourselves time to grieve, time to be, but no amount of time seems enough, it’s so hard to get by without you here. You should be here in my arms. She talked about how our lives have changed forever, that we won’t be able to go back to exactly the way we were before because well lets face it losing a child changes you, it changes your perspective on life, it shakes up your entire being, you are left lost, broken and putting yourself back together piece by piece.

Today Henry we sat in bed this morning, we laid there before convincing ourselves to get up, going for coffee and some breakfast, we have been so unmotivated to eat right and cook so I thought at least if we had breakfast out it will make sure we have something good. Today we had lunch with friends, those who understand this pain…. They gave us an unexpected gift from your Dads work family, so much kindness from people who want to help us kindness means so very much Thank you.

Today Henry I thought I was doing ok, thought I was getting through the day… small moments where tears stung my eyes but soon went away. Then like a hot iron to my skin, that instant scolding pain. Bam there it is the sadness hits, I crumble. So many tears, so many sobs as I say “I just want you here” I lay on the bed hugging the cushion from your room, I lay still, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop the aching, I can’t stop…. so I don’t.

I remember Henry when we told your Nanny and Poppy about you, we told them earlier than we thought we may as I was so sick.. We had them over for dinner… We gave your Nanny some wool with a note as we know she loves knitting…. I don’t remember exactly now what I wrote on the note but it was something along the lines of ‘I’ll need you to knit me something to keep me warm as it may be cold when I arrive, see you in May Nanny’. I still remember the look on her face as she looked back at me she touched her belly I nodded and she hugged me. Your Poppy well we gave him a beer, a beer with a special label I had got made “Maggs home brew” release date 2018, and had some small writing that said by drinking this beer you acknowledge you’ll be available for babysitting duties poppy. Well your poppy was so excited to see “Maggs’ label on the beer he forgot to read the fine print… “Look at this” he said to your nanny “our name on a beer” he was smiling he was stoked enough about that… We laughed “Did you read the rest?” I asked “I can’t I don’t have my glasses” he said we all laughed, so I had to read it out to him and he hugged us. They were so excited about you too.

Monday Henry your Dad and I we are off to Tasmania, off for two weeks, for a change of scenery, something new. Part of me is looking forward to it, part of me knows no matter where we go, what we do this stays, this stays with us. I am hoping while we are there that we can get out walking in nature, be out exploring new things, I plan to take your little blue bear with us, take it all the places we wanted to take you. Saying that hurts, it hurts my heart so much… but I take it with all the love I have for you and you’ll be by our side every step of the way.

As we prepare for Tasmania, I tried on all my jeans this morning, not one pair fits… my legs still a little bit wider and my belly it is still soft and pudgy a reminder of you living in there, I still wish I could have you back there, I want to turn back the clock, take us back in time, change what happened demand they take you out sooner as that heartbeat was still there the day before. I so badly want to change it all to have you here.

Part of me wants to know when I will ache less, when I might be able to sleep again, when I will be able to spend a whole day smiling without tears.. but I know there’s no answers to that, I know it’s just day by day and that we have to take each day as it comes. As we learn to find ourselves in this new life instead of the life we thought we would be living. As we navigate this world as a mum and dad but without our little boy with us. We love you baby boy.

Lat night Henry, last night as I lay in bed with your Dad’s arms around me listening to him snore as he went to sleep, I thought of you, of all we are missing out on, how you should be here, I thought of how very wanted you are and I tried so very hard to cry silently, so as not to walk you dad I cried silent tears in to my pillow, tears soaking my pillow case until I finally fell asleep.

This morning Henry I woke in the early hours of the morning as I always do, I awoke from  a dream about you, in my dreams though we have you here with us, I woke to your Dad awake as he often is in the early hours too. The tears fell softly down my cheeks as he pulled me in to his arms I cried as I thought I just want to know the feeling of having your baby cry after giving birth, I want to know that joyous feeling, I want to know what its like to bring my baby home. That has been ripped away from us, even if we have a sibling for you Henry, that blissfulness of completely knowing those feelings as they are is gone as that experience will now be mixed with feelings of your birth of the events leading up to it, we no longer get to be ignorant or experience it in the same way others would.

As we lay awake most of the early hours cuddling, as it hit 5am and we heard cars leaving your dad commented the tradies were leaving for work, it made me think I wonder who you would have been, what profession would you have chosen as you grew, who would you be? I said this to your dad, he replied you’d probably be a geologist I laughed as I knew this was said to make me laugh, your dad then went on to discuss with me how he needs kit Kat pyjamas, I said I would make it my mission to find him some, he said he’d get your Nanny to make them out of kit Kat wrappers so every time he tossed and turned in bed it would make a noise. It really would Henry I am sure he tosses and turns over 65 times a night.

This morning Henry your dad goes to say goodbye to a friend, a boss, a wonderful man who would have helped anyone he could have, I know its going to be a tough day for your dad and many of his other family….  all I can do is be here with open arms when he gets home.

This morning your dad is in the shower gargling except he does it really loudly and in stages making different loud gargle noises in an attempt to make me laugh, ticked off the list for today.

Who would you be Henry?, so much I want to know, I want to know the sound of your laugh, the sound of your cry, the sound of your giggle. How I wish I would get to know who you would have looked like more as you grow your Dad or I, would you have liked the beach?, would you have woken lots or slept?. One thing I know is you would have filled our days with joy, you would have filled our hearts with more love as you already do, you having been here brings us joy, you having chosen us and coming in to our lives brought us a love like we have never known. Every day I am grateful for you.

Many of our friends Henry, many have contacted me about a current parliamentary enquiry in to stillbirth that is currently taking submissions, I have mentioned it once before, I plan to do a submission as I think it is important to speak out, to be involved to assist in any way I can to raise awareness of this. I will speak out for you to try to ensure other families do not have to endure the same. Speak out to make a change, to help drive change to improve outcomes for others.. I have other things happening which I will share in time.

Your Dad Henry this morning as he puts on his dress pants, comments on his belly and how big its gotten over the past few weeks, when I first fell pregnant with you we joked how my belly would get as big as his, we used to compare bellies as you know, as mine grew though his seemed to get smaller and not just because mine became bigger but because he was really looking after himself. Now as mine has shrunk, his is growing again. It reminded me as mine started to grow how one night I took this picture of us to compare our bellies, it wasn’t a picture we ever would have shared, but now I want to as its a part of our story with you. I want to share everything about you. I remember thinking my belly was so big and had caught up to your dads here, looking back I was barely showing at this stage at all.

Some days Henry I wonder Henry, I wonder if time will help us navigate, to cope, the feelings of loss are still so raw, I find trying to navigate through each day a like we are going through a maze, hitting dead ends and there seems to be no way out, some days we might make more progress through the maze than others, sometimes I think I must just stop and stare at the road ahead and break down, but this maze its long, it feels never-ending and we are trapped inside.

This morning my sadness has moved, it’s moved from sadness to some anger and a little bit of nothingness, so I am going to get p and let the hot water of the shower pour over me, I’ll let it keep going until I feel ‘I can’ and you know what even if I begin to feel ‘I don’t want to’ then that’s ok too, but I am not going to not try Henry as I know you would want me to try.

This morning I wanted to share some words I wrote about you the day after coming home from the hospital, I know some would have already seen them but I have never shared them in my letters to you.

I dreamt of you for so very long
I wished for you to be here
I waited such a very long time
And although we don’t know the reason why you couldn’t stay
I feel so incredibly blessed you chose us
You chose us to be your mum and dad
You chose us to bring you in to this world
I’ll forever cherish the time you spent growing inside my womb
And although it really wasn’t easy I’d take it all again ten fold and not complain at all
If it meant I could have held you in my arms longer
If it meant you could have taken your first breath, heard your first cry and taking you home I’d do it all again ten times over
You are so very perfect and loved by your dad and I
The waves of grief wash over me waves so big and seem never ending
There are moments when your dad and I manage to smile when we think of that head of hair, that dark head of hair and hairline just like your dad’s, we couldn’t believe the amount of hair you have
When we talk about your nose how cute your nose is just like your mums when she was a baby
When we first seen your ears straight away we smiled at one another as they had that Maggs shape
When we think of how very perfect you looked when we very first saw you
It was so very hard to bring you in to this world knowing we wouldn’t get to hear your cries, knowing there’d be silence where there should be noise
But I’m still so grateful you chose us! How very honoured I feel to be your Mum
We will carry you always, in our hearts, in our thoughts, everywhere we go you’ll be with us
We love you so very very much Henry Peter Maggs. Thank you for blessing us with your presence I can’t stop telling you how perfect you are our beautiful baby boy.

Yesterday Henry, was a good and a tough day all in one, I was visited by my friend and surrogate mum… We had some tears and talked so much about you, about what had happened, about what could have been different, she said how she regrets not flying in for your service as she was on holiday, she regrets not having come to the hospital even though I had said no, but none of it would have changed things, we all have regrets. It all doesn’t change it though, but it was good to talk with her and see her.

Yesterday I had my checkup with the GP all was good except the fact you are not here, you were completely healthy and now you are not here. Yesterday afternoon your dad and I picked up my medical records and got the results from some other tests, all good as expected, nothing wrong. You were perfect Henry, you still are absolutely perfect. It was tough, I held myself together I asked questions and I expressed my thoughts and concerns, Your dad Henry he cried, he is missing you too and it was hard…. He listened and cried as I asked the tough questions. The Dr from the hospital told us we should have another baby and to please consider it, that does not replace you! It’s like oh magic fix just have another one….. 😦  I explained (white hot) that regardless of whether we had another baby if we can it does not take away from the magnitude of the situation or replace you and that we live with this for the rest of our lives. Even if we had 18 more Henry it wouldn’t replace you, we may learn to cope, we may find ways to manage the grief and it may be less…. But you are our little boy, you are our son we will always think of you, we will always wonder what could have been, we will always want you here.

Your dad Henry, only a few months after we got married, he went out for a surf and he managed to lose his wedding ring in the ocean, never to be seen again. I remember the day he told me, I got home from work… When I walked in the door he said “I have some good news and some bad news” I looked at him suspiciously and he said “The good news is it can be replaced” “What?” I asked eyeing him, “The bad news is I lost my wedding ring in the surf today” … “Oh babe” I replied shaking my head “Oh well what can we dO” I then said. I had been meaning to for some time replace his wedding band and I just had not gotten around to it, so last night I finally presented your dad with a gift, last night I gave him a new wedding band I had ordered but with your name and date of birth on it. You Dad he cried when I gave it to him saying it was a gift from us Henry he cried and he hugged me. I also got a ring with your name engraved on it too.

Last night we were tired, again and again thoughts plagued my mind as I tried to sleep. Your dad at least got some sleep after taking some cough medicine. I was pleased to hear him snoring. Last night a whirlwind of thoughts through my mind, still awake late last night until sometime in the early hours my exhausted mind allowed me to sleep for a little while, when I did sleep I dreamt of you, however in my dream you were here with us living, we were taking care of you, in my dream I saw your smile… dreams are all I have.

This morning I woke up at 2:30am to your Dad already awake, instantly a storm in my mind, thoughts I voiced to your Dad eventually settling with his arms around me as we cried together, so many thoughts so much going on, so much information. So damn hard.

This morning Henry, your fur sister Missy was cold and wouldn’t settle so she got to have cuddles in bed with your dad and I, I had always pictured the five of us on the bed together.

This morning we stayed in bed until 9am, not sleeping but neither really motivated to get up, the thought of my medical records sitting in an envelope on the table haunted me I felt anxious and sick in my stomach at the thought of looking at them, after going for coffee I came home while your Dad went in to work to fix some things up, I took a big breath in as I opened the envelope as I breathed out I pulled out the booklet with my records ‘I am strong’ I reminded myself as I opened the first page to look over all the details and make my notes. I did it, I looked through the whole lot making my notes and jotting own my questions. I did it for you Henry.

Today Henry your surrogate aunty, she had to make a tough decision, she had to make a decision about her fur baby and today her fur baby was laid to rest, I called her as she lives two hours away we cried on the phone, we cried about a beautiful dog who had been given a wonderful life who was a part of the family, she cried down the phone we talked and listened to one another agreeing that it was more than shit and we did not have the words to describe it.

This afternoon Henry, I am tired, my mind, my body, my soul it’s all just exhausted… exhausted from the storm clouds in my head, exhausted from the pain in my heart, exhausted from the sadness in my soul, exhausted from the fact grief is physically exhausting.

So as I sit on the longe I will hug your cushion, the cushion from your room as it brings me comfort, I will pray that maybe, maybe tonight I might get some sleep, I will think, think of your sweet face, I will feel, feel all the love that I have for you. My beautiful boy xx.

This is after I get over your fur sisters fart!! she has just stunk out the lounge room.

Yesterday afternoon Henry as I sat on the lounge with your Dad the tears of sadness came creeping in… ever so slowly there they were once again I said to your dad “I hate feeling this way” but I guess it’s not true in a way, I would rather feel, rather have you and feel like this than not feel it all….. so I don’t hate having feelings about you because I absolutely love you and you are worth feeling everything for no matter how much that hurts.

Yesterday Henry, I put two of your photographs in a frame in our lounge room, some might think they would make us sad as we have them there to look at, but I love looking at your pictures, I love the memories they hold, I love your sweet sweet face so very much. Your photographs they bring a comfort to us both. I wish we didn’t only have them though, I wish we had you here… I hope one day we might add some pictures of your siblings next to yours.

Last night Henry you dad cooked a lamb shoulder and baked veggies on the old stove, we had you Nanny and Poppy over for dinner, dinner was nice as your fur sister Missy watched on wanting a piece of lamb from anyones plate, she always knows she will get something from me, both her and snickers, I always save a little bit on my plate for them.

Last night Henry I felt sadness not only for you but for one of my closest friends she would be your aunty Henry and her fur baby is as old as Missy and is very unwell, I know that feeling of helplessness of not being to help them watching them in pain. Some days Henry it feels like there are storm clouds all around anyone we know at the moment Henry… so much pain and sadness around us at the moment and sometimes you just want to make it stop.

Last night Henry your poor Dad coughed and coughed again, we both did not sleep again at all, I wanted to sleep but the coughing kept waking me, this gave my mind opportunity to fill with storm clouds, lightning and thunder once more… It filled and the same thoughts over and over swirling around it’s like the wind blowing them around and around then back and forth. Your Dad has strict orders from me today to rest. I said to your dad this morning “This is not what we thought would be keeping us awake at this stage” “That’s right” he agreed, we half smiled at one another that half smile that says we both would have been so thankful of those sleepless nights if we could be holding you.

Yesterday when I shared my letter to you Henry, I included a link to a petition from still aware, a petition to encourage the government to look at changes and make commitments to stillbirth and to raise awareness… So many of our beautiful friends Henry, so many of them shared this over social media, they shared and encouraged others to sign, it filled my heart with so much gratitude, it filled my heart with love to see that so many, so many others Henry wanted to share that they are taking the time that they read my letters to you, that they appreciate the awareness we are trying to raise, that they take the time to know about you.

This morning I have another one of my closest friends coming to see me, she wants to come and give me a hug as she was away while you were born and when we had your service. I know there’ll be so many tears shed with her, she will hold me up as I hold her up and we cry together, she bought you so many things, she was so excited about your arrival, she was one of the first ones to know. Little clothes she got for you, a nappy bag filled with essentials for me to carry your things, her own beautiful children brought you clothes too… they were so excited about you coming in to their lives, as were so many others…. I hope you know how loved you are not only by us but by so many many more.

This morning Henry there’s a heaviness in me, it weighs me down, such heaviness and I don’t only feel it in my heart but it makes my whole body feel physically heavy too, this morning I have to go see the GP for a check up, this afternoon I am collecting my medical records, tough tasks but I will stand tall and do them both. I am not sure if that heaviness is there because of these tasks or if it is just the heaviness that I often feel weighing me down that makes each step a little bit harder. Although I still despite the heaviness take those steps each day, move my feet slowly one in front of the other.

I look at my stomach sometimes, I know often when I lie on my side I miss the feeling, and the large bump of you being in there, I felt the softness of my stomach now and I look at it in the mirror all I want is that big bump back with you there.. Although at 38 weeks I remember feeling so uncomfortable I wanted you out, now I would give anything for one more moment of feeling you there kicking me even if it is under the ribs. I was just so excited about you, so loved, so wanted as I type the tears softly fall once more.

Although words can not describe what a rollercoaster each day is in emotions and how some days you do better than others, how I can still smile but be feeling the deepest pain or sadness, how I can cry yet feel the deepest love, how I can feel angry yet feel a joy over you. I’m so glad I get to feel this all over you, the most beautiful boy, my son… You made me a mum and I am so very grateful of that. Thank you xx

 

Yesterday Henry, yesterday I spoke to such a beautiful lady, she is a psychologist and she has also been through her fair share of heartache in her life too, which just makes her more real and more authentic. She listened to me, she asked me questions, she helped me to talk and she talked to me. This beautiful lady helped me to see, she helped me to see it is ok to be angry, I am allowed to be angry over losing you, you are worth being angry over, and it is just how I choose to show that anger… She let me know it’s ok to cry, its ok to be incredibly sad and let those tears out, its ok to work out how I will do this, how I will grieve what I might do. She also allowed me to see things from a different perspective, nothing is forever and we can not hold on to things like they are… She allowed me to think of ways to change my thoughts.. On the days I think ‘I can’t’ change this to ‘I don’t want too’ and it is completely ok to ‘not want too’ for the day. We talked about you, how incredibly blessed I feel to have you, that you chose me as your mum and how I wouldn’t change that at all, not anytime as I would rather have known you, had you grow in my belly have held you for those small moments than not have known you at all.

It all helped Henry, so very much. It made me feel a little lighter for that moment, it made me see that even though you can not be here with me I will fight for you and I will fight for change to help others. Your footprints although they haven’t touched the ground will leave an imprint on this world.

Yesterday I had a small walk with a beautiful friend and her two little ones, I laughed, and smiled as I watched her little ones walk, the things they said the humour they brought to it, it was nice, so nice to be in the sunshine and walk.

Yesterday Henry your Dad is still not well, I am bordering on this too but he is not 100% at all I think I need you to somehow give him a kick in the back like you used to from my belly to tell him to rest as he is stubborn and doesn’t listen to me, just like I am stubborn and don’t listen to him. I think you would be more stubborn than the both of us so please give him a kick for me.

Late Yesterday afternoon Henry a beautiful friend from Sydney, dropped in, she hugged me so very tight, we talked of you, of how we were feeling, of how she had cried when she saw the news of you. She gave me gift, some special Epsom salts to help me relax in the bath, some calm tea to drink in bed, a special calm oil to place on my feet, a special stone to hold on to when I am anxious and as I go to sleep and some beautiful books. One book with beautiful poems from bereaved mothers and another ladies story on her baby born sleeping and about pregnancy after this. Such well thought out kindness in this beautiful gift.

Yesterday there was less tears than the day before.

Last night Henry your Dad and I went to bed early to try to sleep, your poor Dad coughed and coughed and tossed and turned, I couldn’t turn my mind off, again not much sleep for either of us… Tonight I try bath.

This morning Henry, Tears as I woke, and cuddles with your Dad.

Today Henry we went early to the shops to get some things we needed so we could get back for your dad to rest, not that he has done much of that, I was doing ok but as we walked and saw the many parents pushing prams and then the precious babies faces, I couldn’t help but think we would be doing that with you! We would have you out with a beanie to keep your head warm and carrying you on our chest or pushing you in the pram, talking with you, smiling at you, showing you off as we are so proud of you. Those feelings can become overwhelming, I had a small cry. We got our things and we came home.

Your Dad prepared us breakfast while I updated the ad for his van, I washed up all the dishes while and hung out the washing while he vacuumed, I put more washing on and my clothes away while he mopped the floor… We make a good team your Dad and I, we have always seen ourselves as a team and work together… Sometimes one more than the other but that’s what it’s about we pick each other up when the other is down.

I look in your room, the box with your little special pair of pyjamas are there, I remember wanting to buy them but looking at the cost and saying ‘oh no I wont I will save us money’ I remember telling your Dad about them “get them” he said “No I won’t” I said I waited and waited until one day I finally gave in and ordered them. Hairy Maclary pyjamas for you from Peter Alexander, I couldn’t wait to show your Dad when they arrived, I was so excited as it meant we would all have dog pyjamas for winter, I laughed with your Dad, we laughed about how we would get a photo of us all in our winter dog pyjamas. Now they remain a box in your room, another plan we don’t have with you.

Still Aware an organisation that tries to raise awareness on stillbirth and educate parents to be has a petition going, the petition is in need of signatures. Still aware wants to see reducing stillbirths as a target added to health policy plans statements and guidelines, for standardised clinical guideline practices to be implemented and used. For expectant mothers to be educated about the risks. To see proper regulatory assessment of stillbirth to be implemented. All important factors in helping to change and assist in reducing the rate of still birth. More information cane be found here and the petition to sign can be found here … the more the word gets out there, the more we know, the more that will happen. If the information can get out to and assist one family, if others can speak up, those who have been through this may feel more comfortable to talk about their experience rather than feel like it is taboo.

This afternoon I sit and write to you while your Dad he plays Mario kart, this afternoon the overwhelming feelings are a little less, this afternoon we will rest, we will take the rest of the day as it comes, emotions and all.. I’m smoothly riding on the road today but I will always get back up even if I crash. All my love flows to you Henry xx